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Legless Jokes

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I was just invited to come to a benefit for legless women.

I hear the place is going to be crawling with pussy.

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Armless Legless girl on the beach

A man is walking on the beach when suddenly he hears someone crying, as he gets closer he discovers that it is an armless and legless woman.

He then asks her:

Man: "Why are you crying?"

Woman: "In my whole life, i've never been kissed."

So the man grabs her and kisses her...

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Legless parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

where do you find a legless turtle?

right where you left it

I'm giving away a free legless parrot

No perches necessary

My legless dog is named cigarette…

Every day I take him out for a drag.

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There's a legless and armless girl sitting on the beach

It's her 20th birthday, and she had her parents situate her on the beach so she could meet a special guy.
She sees a very attractive man run past and she start loudly crying. He stops and asks what's wrong. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never had a hug from a real man." The man sit down n...

What do you call a legless cow?

Ground beef

What do you call a legless, armless amputee wiggling around in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

Did you hear about the legless man who got his wheelchair taken away?

He was floored.

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An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach.

An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach. A man happens to walk by and she gets his attention.

"Excuse me, honey. All my life I've been without limbs and nobody wants to be with me. The only thing I want is to be fucked. Would you be willing to help?"

So the man picks up ...

A legless man walks into a bar

He walks up to the bar and greets the bartender.

I bet you're wondering how I'll make a high-quality, funny explanation for a legless man walking up to a bar. You might also be wondering how he can see over the bar to greet the bartender in the first place. You might also be wondering if ever...

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What do you call a legless nun?

Virgin immobile.


Loosely based off the nun in a wheelchair joke.

Did you hear about the legless alcoholic nun?

Try as hard as she might, she just couldn’t kick her habit.

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There's an armless, legless woman sitting on the beach...

... A man walks by and the woman says,
"Excuse me sir, I have never been hugged before can you do me a favor and hug me?"

The man being a nice fellow stops and gives the woman a hug.

As the man is walking away the woman says, "Excuse me sir! I'm sorry but I have never been kissed...

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

...No eye deer.

What do you call a legless deer with no eyes?

...STILL no eye deer.

What do you call a legless deer with eyes but no balls?

...Still no fucking eye deer!

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A guy jogging on the beach sees a girls with no arms or legs.

Her torso is just propped up on some sand. As he draws nearer he sees that she's crying. He doesn't want to intrude, but he figures she might need some help.

"Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?" he asks.
She responds "I'm just so sad! I've never been kissed before and I don't guess I eve...

Three men entered a swimming race for people with disabilities. One of the three men had no arms, one had no legs, and the third was just a head with no body.

The three men got onto the starting blocks. The whistle blew, and they all jumped into the water. The armless man and the legless man started to swim to the other end of the pool, but the head with no body sank to the bottom.

It was a very close race, but the armless man won. But when he and ...

Leg amputated

Guy goes into hospital to get his leg amputated! But the surgeon makes a mistake and removes the good leg!

The guy wakes up from anesthetic and the doctors at his bedside. Hello sir, I will get straight to it, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Guys says" bad news first then go...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

Five redditors are walking in the forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please". The genie ...

Why was it obvious that a double amputee was the last one to exit a UK pub?

He was legless

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

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Frank, British war veteran and quadriplegic, was a raging alcoholic.

When he was sober, Frank was a mean bad ass mother fucker, that no-one dare cross.

But when Frank was legless he was 'armless.

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

2 Old Farmers

Two old farmers have each 1 big meadow and only 1 sheep.

One farmer proposes to remove the fence between their meadows because the sheep are both lonely. The second farmer agrees, however he wonders how they could tell which sheep belongs to whom.
The first farmer comes up with the idea ...

My Dog Sucks

I hate walking my legless dog.



It's such a drag.

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

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Two paramedics in an ambulance were called to a church early one Sunday morning.

After arriving they speak to the pastor and he takes them to the belfry. On the floor of the belfry is an armless, legless man unconscious on the floor.

The first paramedic asks the pastor what happened. “This is our bell ringer.”

The first paramedic asks how he can do the job withou...

A man walks into a bar carrying a dog...

The dog has no legs. The bartender looks at the legless dog and asks the man, "What's your dog's name?" The man replies, "Cigarette." The bartender looks at him puzzled. "Why did you name him Cigarette?" The man replies, "Because every morning, I take him out for a drag."

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A woman, tired of living alone, decides to put an ad in the local paper.

She asks for three things:

1. A man who will treat her nicely,
2. A man who won't leave her, and
3. A man who is good in bed.

Several weeks go buy without a result, and the woman is resigned to life without a man who can embody those qualities. Then, the doorbell rings and sh...

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A man jogs along the beach every day

One day he comes across an armless and legless lady that's crying.

He jogs over to her and asks "what's the matter?"

She replies "i have no arms or legs, and I've never been hugged before"

Feeling sorry for the lady he gives her a big hug. She stops crying and thanks the man. He...

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This man walks to the pet store to buy a parrot.

The guy at the store says, "I only have one parrot, and he talks and all, but he has no legs."

"No legs!" says the man. "How does he hold up on the perch?"

"It's actually quite ingenious: he hooks his dick around the base of it."

The man is quite impressed and he takes the legle...

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A Woman With No Legs and No Arms is Crying on a Beach

A man was walking down the beach when he saw an armless, legless woman sitting in the sand sobbing. Feeling bad for her, he approached the woman and asked her why she was crying. She said, "In my entire life, I've never been hugged by any man other than my father." So, feeling particularly friendly,...

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A swimming coach was holding trials for his new team.

When a man with no arms walks in and demands a trial.

The Coach looked a little skeptical, but not wanting to discriminate, he agreed.

The no-armed man dived into the pool and began to kick his legs furiously, motoring down the length of the pool at a tremendous rate, and records the q...

Quasimodo's had it.

Sixty years climbing the steps. Sixty years ringing the bell. He's ready to retire, get a little house in the country for him and the little lady. Puts an ad on Craigslist "Bell ringer wanted. Inquire Quasimodo, Notre Dame."

Next day, there's a knock at the door. Quasi opens it, looks ou...

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A scientist is studying a trained frog.

This frog has been trained to jump on command. Any time it hears the phrase "Jump, frog, jump!" it leaps with all its might.
The scientist prepares a scalpel, sewing kit, and measuring tape and begins his experiment; he says "Jump, frog, jump!" and as soon as the frog hears his voice, it jumps....

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A Boy Genius and his Frog

A man is driving his car down a country road. The weather is horrible outside. Suddenly he hears a loud pop and his car begins to veer wildly. He gets out of the car in the pouring rain to see that one of his wheels has popped off because all of the nuts holding it in have cracked and broken. He has...

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A drunk walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the landlord, “What’s this about then?”

The landlord replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own in fact. Take a sip and it’ll magically ...

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