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I was just invited to come to a benefit for legless women.

I hear the place is going to be crawling with pussy.

I used to have a legless dog named cigarette

Every morning I would take him out for a drag

A legless crossdresser?

Drag Queen

I'm giving away a free legless parrot

No perches necessary

A man was arrested today for assaulting a legless man on the subway.

Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.

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Legless parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

Do you know why a snake is long and legless?

Because if it were short and had legs it'd be a salamander.

A legless man walks into a bar

He walks up to the bar and greets the bartender.

I bet you're wondering how I'll make a high-quality, funny explanation for a legless man walking up to a bar. You might also be wondering how he can see over the bar to greet the bartender in the first place. You might also be wondering if ever...

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An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach.

An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach. A man happens to walk by and she gets his attention.

"Excuse me, honey. All my life I've been without limbs and nobody wants to be with me. The only thing I want is to be fucked. Would you be willing to help?"

So the man picks up ...

What do you call a legless cow?

Ground beef

What do you call a legless, armless amputee wiggling around in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

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There's a legless and armless girl sitting on the beach

It's her 20th birthday, and she had her parents situate her on the beach so she could meet a special guy.
She sees a very attractive man run past and she start loudly crying. He stops and asks what's wrong. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never had a hug from a real man." The man sit down n...

Did you hear about the legless alcoholic nun?

Try as hard as she might, she just couldn’t kick her habit.

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

Did you hear about the legless man who got his wheelchair taken away?

He was floored.

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There was an armless and legless woman crying on a pier

There was an armless and legless woman crying on a pier. A man walks up to her asking if everything is alright. In between tears the woman explains that she has never been kissed in her life. The man says i can help you and kisses her on the lips. The woman stops crying and says she has also never ...

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What do you call a legless nun?

Virgin immobile.


Loosely based off the nun in a wheelchair joke.

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There's an armless, legless woman sitting on the beach...

... A man walks by and the woman says,
"Excuse me sir, I have never been hugged before can you do me a favor and hug me?"

The man being a nice fellow stops and gives the woman a hug.

As the man is walking away the woman says, "Excuse me sir! I'm sorry but I have never been kissed...

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Two paramedics in an ambulance were called to a church early one Sunday morning.

After arriving they speak to the pastor and he takes them to the belfry. On the floor of the belfry is an armless, legless man unconscious on the floor.

The first paramedic asks the pastor what happened. “This is our bell ringer.”

The first paramedic asks how he can do the job withou...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

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This man walks to the pet store to buy a parrot.

The guy at the store says, "I only have one parrot, and he talks and all, but he has no legs."

"No legs!" says the man. "How does he hold up on the perch?"

"It's actually quite ingenious: he hooks his dick around the base of it."

The man is quite impressed and he takes the legle...

2 Old Farmers

Two old farmers have each 1 big meadow and only 1 sheep.

One farmer proposes to remove the fence between their meadows because the sheep are both lonely. The second farmer agrees, however he wonders how they could tell which sheep belongs to whom.
The first farmer comes up with the idea ...

Why was it obvious that a double amputee was the last one to exit a UK pub?

He was legless

Five redditors are walking in the forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please". The genie ...

In a war torn country...

A voice calls out from behind a rock, “one U.S. marine is better than ten enemy soldiers.” The opposing commander sends ten men behind the rock. A lot of gunfire ensues, than silence. A voice calls out from behind the rock, “one U.S. marine is better than 100 enemy soldiers.” The commander sends 100...

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A guy jogging on the beach sees a girls with no arms or legs.

Her torso is just propped up on some sand. As he draws nearer he sees that she's crying. He doesn't want to intrude, but he figures she might need some help.

"Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?" he asks.
She responds "I'm just so sad! I've never been kissed before and I don't guess I eve...

Oscar Pistorius

Surely Oscar Pistorius isn't the only guy who's come home legless, and then shot a load into his girlfriend's face while imaging it was someone else?

I once had a roommate who was an amputee and had a bad habit of stating the obvious.

We nicknamed him Legless. One day, he grew tired of this joke and insisted that we call him by his name, 'Li'. So now we call him Gimpli.

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

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Frank, British war veteran and quadriplegic, was a raging alcoholic.

When he was sober, Frank was a mean bad ass mother fucker, that no-one dare cross.

But when Frank was legless he was 'armless.

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A woman, tired of living alone, decides to put an ad in the local paper.

She asks for three things:

1. A man who will treat her nicely,
2. A man who won't leave her, and
3. A man who is good in bed.

Several weeks go buy without a result, and the woman is resigned to life without a man who can embody those qualities. Then, the doorbell rings and sh...

My Dog Sucks

I hate walking my legless dog.



It's such a drag.

Quasimodo's had it.

Sixty years climbing the steps. Sixty years ringing the bell. He's ready to retire, get a little house in the country for him and the little lady. Puts an ad on Craigslist "Bell ringer wanted. Inquire Quasimodo, Notre Dame."

Next day, there's a knock at the door. Quasi opens it, looks ou...

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A man jogs along the beach every day

One day he comes across an armless and legless lady that's crying.

He jogs over to her and asks "what's the matter?"

She replies "i have no arms or legs, and I've never been hugged before"

Feeling sorry for the lady he gives her a big hug. She stops crying and thanks the man. He...

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A swimming coach was holding trials for his new team.

When a man with no arms walks in and demands a trial.

The Coach looked a little skeptical, but not wanting to discriminate, he agreed.

The no-armed man dived into the pool and began to kick his legs furiously, motoring down the length of the pool at a tremendous rate, and records the q...

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A drunk walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the landlord, “What’s this about then?”

The landlord replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own in fact. Take a sip and it’ll magically ...

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Veronica wants to have sex...

Veronica was a swet girl, but unfortunately she was born with no arms or legs.

Every year her family would goto the beach for vaction. Veronica would sadly watch her family have fun in the ocean.

When Veronica was a fifteen she met a nice boy on the beach named Ben that didnt seem to m...

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A scientist is studying a trained frog.

This frog has been trained to jump on command. Any time it hears the phrase "Jump, frog, jump!" it leaps with all its might.
The scientist prepares a scalpel, sewing kit, and measuring tape and begins his experiment; he says "Jump, frog, jump!" and as soon as the frog hears his voice, it jumps....

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A Boy Genius and his Frog

A man is driving his car down a country road. The weather is horrible outside. Suddenly he hears a loud pop and his car begins to veer wildly. He gets out of the car in the pouring rain to see that one of his wheels has popped off because all of the nuts holding it in have cracked and broken. He has...

A man walks into a bar carrying a dog...

The dog has no legs. The bartender looks at the legless dog and asks the man, "What's your dog's name?" The man replies, "Cigarette." The bartender looks at him puzzled. "Why did you name him Cigarette?" The man replies, "Because every morning, I take him out for a drag."

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