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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I once beat cream depressingly with a fork.

No whisk no fun.

A coworker just asked me to grab a fork and stab her in the neck.

I told her to go fork herself.

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say at a restaurant?

”Use the fork, Luke”

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A tired american soldier is on a train to london

The train was packed. He went searching for a seat as he came by a middle aged woman and her dog. He asked her "may I please have that seat", the woman replied "you Americans are so rude, cant you see my little Fifi is sitting here". The soldier walks the length of the train and back to cross the wo...

I cut the prong off a fork and am wearing it on a necklace for luck.

As they say, third tine's the charm.

I told my (blonde) sister this joke: "How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her."

She replied, "I don't get it."

"How do I get a firmer body?" asked the fork

"Utensil your muscles" I replied.

Fork please?

A homeless man walks into an expensive restaurant during their busy lunch hour. The manager spots him and asks him to leave.

"But please sir, may I just have a fork?" said the bum.

Figuring that the cost of a fork was worth avoiding a scene, he hands the man a fork and the man return...

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

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Why didn't the fork and spoon want to hang out with the butter knife?

He was just too dull.

If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...

...are you testing its utensil strength?

"Mom, before I was born did you want a boy or a girl?"

"I wanted to pickup a fork that fell on the kitchen floor..."

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow yo...

Put a fork into an outlet.

What happens next will shock you.

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6 signs that you had one glass too many

1. All girls look beautiful. It doesn't matter if they have beards.

2. You can't use your fork because it has 1 tine and 4 handles.

3. Lights are out in the restroom. But it smells nice, and they have clothes hanging instead of toilet paper.

4. Someone called you an asshole. But...

Why did Neo have to eat his cereal with a fork?

Cos there is no spoon

I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"...

The 5th one will shock you!

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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

Dear Fork,

I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish. But, I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.
- Sincerely,
Spoon.

A fork and a knife's conversation

Knife: forks are basically useless.

Fork: why? What will people eat with?

Knife:with their hands.

Fork: you've got a point

I forgot to pack a fork with my lunch today.

It was a pointless lunch.

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

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A Frenchmen, A Englishman and an American are traveling in the Amazon

When suddenly a cannibal tribe captures them. The cannibal leader steps forward and states "It is nothing against you men. We all have been raised cannibals and need to eat. Every scrap will be used including your skin to make a boat. We will, however, give you the option on how you want to die. Fre...

My little sister hated that our mother was addicted to cigarettes so she took a fork and stabbed the packet repeatedly.

Mom was not pleased. Holy smokes!

^(Based on a true story)

I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table..

..We were quite an incestuous family.

What does a spoon hate to see when driving?

A fork in the road

A bartender is serving drinks one night when a farmer comes in asking for a fork.

A while later another farmer comes in asking for another fork. After a little while longer a third farmer comes in asking for a straw.

Perplexed the bartender asks the farmer "why are you asking for a straw the other farmers asked for a fork"

To which the farmer responds "well someone ...

What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight?

Civilwar!

Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage..

It leaves four little pricks.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pi...

I tried to eat soup with a fork.

It was a strain.

Why did the fork go to the party?

It wanted to have a good tine.

You stop bad music with a tuning fork. How do you stop bad singing?

A pitchfork

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Darkest Africa

Two explores were captured by a vicious tribe and sentenced to death. The witch doctor explained that as they weren't savages and to prove it he granted each captive a last wish.

The first explorer requested a sumptuous meal. when the meal was over he was killed,skinned and they used his skin...

I told my Kentucky raised girlfriend her family tree doesn't fork...

...it spoons.


She did not find it humorous

They don't make forks like they used to.

Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines.

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Two guys in the wood...

Two guys went camping in the wood.

As they started getting deeper in the woods they encountered a tribe folk with a sharp knife.

''Stop right there!'' he said.

They both stopped moving, they were scared as hell.

''I will kill you both, take your skin off and make a boa...

Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket?

Because he was grounded!


(I'll see myself out)

How do cannibals pick up women?

With a fork

What did Obe Wan say to Skywalker when he was teaching him table manners?

Use the forks Luke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in the jungle.

Suddenly they're captured by cannibals, dragged off and tied to a tree. Shortly the Englishman is untied and brought before the chief of the cannibal tribe. The chief says "Okay, here's the deal: we're gonna kill you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna use your skin to m...

Why did the apple eat itself with a fork?

Because it didn't have a spoon!

(Courtesy of my three year old daughter.)

Spooning leads to forking

But if you fork the wrong dish, you could get knifed.

My girlfriend's plastic fork broke while she was eating earlier....

....Just a tine-y bit. (i was so proud of myself but no one else laughed as much as I did )

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4.
I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6....

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant.

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”

What is the difference between a woman and a forklift?

There is none. In both cases, if you don't have one, you unload by hand.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Airforce Pilot, an Army Engineer, and a Marine crash land in a rainforest...

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the Chief of the tribe. The Chief says that they are gonna eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they get to choose how they die. The Pilot chooses to kill himself with his sidearm, the Engineer asks for some fast acting poison....

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

What do Michael J. Fox and the new guy at the warehouse have in common?

Both have trouble with the fork lift

A frenchman, an englishman, and a new yorker go on an expedition and find an uncharted island.

It turns out it is run by cannibals.
They are ambushed, their weapons stolen, and they are apprehended by the chief of the tribe, who says "You are forbidden from setting foot on this island. We are going to eat you and use your skins to build a canoe. However, we are not without compassion. We w...

3 explorers went exploring in the Amazon where they got captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibal tribe informed them that they were all going to be eaten, and their skin used for canoes, but he let them choose how they were to die.

“I’d like to be shot in the head. Quick and painless” the first explorer said. He was shot, skinned, and eaten.

“I’d like t...

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A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

So there was this alien who came down to earth

An alien came down to earth and wanted to know how to act. He first stopped by a recording studio, where he heard someone singing “me me ME me me me...”
The alien then repeated, sing slightly off-key “me me ME me me me...”
The next place he went to was a fast food place, where he heard the cas...

A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant...

A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant. The waiter approaches him with the menu and the arrogant man exclaims: "You are giving ME a menu?! Please man, I know it all, just bring me a fork from the kitchen."


The waiter quickly goes into the kitchen and comes back with a fork, handing...

An English Man, An Irish Man and a Scotchman are caught by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will all be skinned alive and turned into canoes and all. Of their insides eaten however, they have one last request before this happens.

The English man says "For my last request I want to have a cigar" the cannibals provide him with this and as soon as its fini...

"That's an odd fetish"

I said to myself, as I came to a fork in the road

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

Three men are walking through a jungle when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The men are informed by the chief that they will be eaten, and their skins used for canoes. They are allowed to choose how they die, however. The first man opts for one of the cannibals to break his neck. The second man chooses to down a vial of cyanide. The third man, however, takes a fork from his...

A man was out celebrating his birthday with his friend.

After a night of drinking, the other says "Hey man, why don't we go back to your house? The present I got you is there." So they do. When they let themselves in, there's a light already on, and a scantily clad blonde woman greets them.

"Hiiiii, handsome! One, two!" she says, pointing at each ...

A Blind man in a restaurant

A blind man went to a restaurant. "Menu sir?" asked the owner

"I'm blind just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order." the confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath "Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. "U...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are hiking in the mountains

They find some hot springs and decide to take a bath. Some native tribals come along and say "you have trespassed our sacred lands. For this, you will be killed and your skin will be made into canoes. But, you each have one wish before you die." The Englishman asks for a knife and slits his throat. ...

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A drunk man killed 25 driving his truck

While being persecuted, the judge asked: "Why did you drove over that many people knowing there was another road you could've diverted to?"

"Okay, hear me out" the driver said, "if you were driving a truck, and you were faced with a fork in the road; one direction has 24 people on it, and ano...

Heard this joke a long time ago in highschool.. when band aid and Ethiopia were big news..

Ahmed runs a little eatery in Ethiopia.

One day, just when he was about to close up, an Ethiopian runs in, grab a plastic fork from the self serve area and runs out.. before Ahmed can process whether he's just been robbed.. another runs in, grab a fork but this time, the Ethiopian says thanks...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

About a decade ago, Pope John Paul was visiting a convent of nuns, Our Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.

The whole place was so excited about his visit.

Mother Kate put Sister Margaret in charge of getting the finest fish for the dinner with the pope.

Sister Margaret took her task solemnly, and went to the market to get the best catch of the day.

“Good morning, sir. I’d like 12 ...

I saw a packet of Jamie Oliver sausages

On the back it said prick with fork, I thought yeah that's him alright

How do you make a Caesar salad?

You need to make a normal salad then stab it with a salad fork 23 times.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

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A Marine, a Navy Sailor, and an Air Force Pilot are all captured by an ISIS Witch Doctor..

The Witch Doctor goes to each of the men and says "I will grant you all one wish, however at the end you will be killed and made a part of my tent."

The sailor is up first and says "I wish to see my girlfriend one last time" the witch doctor conjures the sailors girlfriend and they say goodby...