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Learnt Jokes

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

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I just learnt the medicinal name of viagra

Mycoxaflopin

A child comes back home from school and tells his dad he learnt a new joke in school.

Dad: Sure, tell me.

Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?

Dad:

Child:

Dad:

Child:

Dad: Is it a p-

The wife, who was listening from the other room comes running in screaming, "SPAGHETTI IT'S SPAGHETTI"

I recently learnt that my dad, grandad and great-grandad all had diarrhoea

Runs in the family

One thing I have learnt this year is to never trust acupuncturists

They'll stab you in the back the first chance they get

Learnt a horrible lesson last night

Don't keep your life savings under your pillow unless you hate money and love teeth

I learnt swimming the same way I learnt Chemical Engineering

Online

I learnt a lot about the circulatory system today. After a lot of work, I memorised everything.

Guess you could say I know it by heart

Today I learnt a school of piranhas will rip

every inch of flesh of a child's body in under a minute.
Today I also lost my job at the aquarium.

I learnt a boring fact about Kamikaze

Its just plain suicide

I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learnt next to nothing.

Today I Learnt... Statistics is mainly about..

Rejecting H0s.

Teacher:"What have you learnt in quarantine"

Me: if a ball is too big for your mouth it’s not yours

My life completely changed after I learnt Morse Code.

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go f**k myself.

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First word I learnt in the Japanese language

Do you know what the funny thing is? People say you can't learn any Japanese from anime or any other form of film/movie from Japan. But just yesterday I recognised one word and that word was "Pervert." That was the first time I understood a single word in the Japanese language. Really shows a lot ab...

Today I finally learnt what 'Chronology' means.

It's about time.

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Today , I learnt that cock fights were chickens fighting!

Months of training wasted!

I've been a father for three years and it's been a wonderful experience. I've learnt all about responsibility.

But my son just keeps moaning "it's too late now" and "I'm 26 years old".

Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials.

I guess they don’t meet the koalafications.

They say smoking cigarettes can be expensive. I learnt it the hard way

Just the other day I ended up burning a hole in my pockets.

Why didn't the Pope go to the beach once he learnt trigonometry?

sin cos tan

I just learnt sign language!

You should learn it too, it's really handy!

Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey

Name one truth you've learnt after growing up

Grown ups are good at lying

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 6 minutes.

Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

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I learnt two things today:

1. Sofa sex can be wild and exciting.

2. The staff in DFS are quite narrow-minded.

What martial art Aquaman learnt in Atlantis?

Crab Magá

What was the biggest lesson learnt from the Titanic tragedy ?

Make icebergs smaller.

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New English premier league football (soccer) joke that I learnt today.

What does an Arsenal player do when he wins the champions league?











He turns off the PlayStation.



P.S. XD. Now I haven't supported or watched football in many years, but this joke got me.

A few days ago, I finally learnt what confirmation bias means.

Now I see it everywhere.

From what I've learnt during my education about European countries, Switzerland seems like a great place

The best part about it is its flag. It's a big plus

My Math teacher asked me if I have learnt about angles

yeah, to a degree

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

What did Donald Trump say when he learnt black and white weren’t real colours?

Fake hues

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I've recently learnt about a sexual fetish involving having sex with desserts.....

It's left me fucking 'dis custard!

I have a tongue twister for all to try, I learnt this when I was a fifteen year old kid, I can still pull it off to a tee..

I'm not the Pheasant plucker, I'm the Pheasant pluckers mate.

I'm only plucking Pheasants because the Pheasant pluckers late.

Good Luck..

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Today in chemistry we learnt about how Ammonium nitrate could be used in fertilizer and as an explosive.

That's when I knew we were dealing with some explosive shit

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Did you guys know too much sex can cause memory loss?

I learnt that in a medical journal, page 34. At 3:38pm on Thursday the 7th.

I have learnt that beauty is only skin-deep. That once you pull back the layers, you realise...

Being a cannibal isn't for everyone.

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I just learnt that boxing is about two guys fighting the urge to come out as gay...

I mean. Two shirtless men fighting over a belt and a purse.
And they have to have another guy near them at all times who's entire job is to stop them from hugging.

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

Today in biology class we learnt about all the health problems related to cigarettes

Thank god I switched to crack last week

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I had sex with my second cousin, and now it's really awkward

I should have learnt my lesson with the first one.

An old man is proudly explaining to his friend the new technique he and his wife learnt for remembering names.

'It involves associating a trait with an object. Gosh, I've just forgotten the name of that technique. Let's see. What's the name of that brightly colored plant people give their loved ones? His friend says: you mean a rose?
The old man says: yeah that's it, a rose. So he turns to his wife and sa...

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A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening...

She runs to her mum and says:

"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1 ,2 ,3 ,4 ,5 ,6 ,7 ,8 ,9 ,10! I'm smart aren't I?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
...

Little Timmy learns something

One day little timmys dad asks him what he learnt in school that day. Little Timmy says: "Well, my teacher was mad as hell at me today." His dad asks:"Why was that?" "Well," says Little Timmy "she showed us two glasses filled with water and whiskey and then she put two worms in them. The worm in the...

I dropped my swear jar on my foot.

Just to see if I'd learnt anything.

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Never take more than one viagra at a time

I learnt that the hard way

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now.

He replied that he was currently working on:

\*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment\*

I was impressed......

On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

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So an American businessman goes to Japan.

The hosts lay it on thick for him as there is a lot of money involved. An attractive woman he has met accompanies him to his hotel room. One thing leads to another and soon the woman is writhing on the bed saying "chiagu ana chigau ana" He finishes off and she lets out a deep deep sigh. Job well d...

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My wife once gave up sex for lent

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday

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The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

A French Man was Teaching his English Girlfriend to Swim

After the third lesson, the man said to his girlfriend, “ok, you’ve now learnt enough. I’ll let you to swim on your own”
He then went out to relax by the pool side on the sun bed, as he watched his girlfriend practise her newly learnt skills.
After swimming for a while in the shallow end of th...

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

Working in IT, I have said many a time "have you tried turning it off and on again?".

While this works great with computers, I quickly learnt that it does not work so well on coma patients.

there was a family of moles-

Mum, dad and little mole jnr. They were digging their way home after a hard day's mole-ing, all hunched up in a tunnel. Dad at the front, digging hard, mum close behind, and at the back was jnr. Suddenly jnr says "mummy, I can smell treacle!"

Mum tells Dad - " eerm, Junior says he can smell t...

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Addition's a son of a bitch

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."
...

A foreign man walking...

A foreign man walking downtown suddenly feels the need for a tasty treat. His nose guides him to a little shop, but he is unable to communicate what he wants.

He decides to go to online school to learn how to communicate, but instead is distracted by something called Reddit for a week. He say...

Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I dont understand life.

Tracy: What do you mean?

Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up...

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"Never get in the car with a stranger," my dad always said.

I'm 38 and I still haven't learnt to fucking drive.

An upper-class Englishman is going through his household accounts.

After a moment he looks up and says to his wife, "you know, darling, if you learnt how to prepare meals properly, we could spend less on the chef."

His wife replied, " And if you knew how to screw properly, we could get rid of the chauffeur."

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(LONG) A woman walks into a parrot shop....

She points at a bird and says "I'll take that one please." "Be careful" warns the shopkeeper "That ones a real pervert." "Don't worry" replies the woman "I know how to deal with it"

Later that day, the woman puts the bird in her bedroom and begins to undress. Once the lady took her shorts off...

Slow typing...

After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free.
She's not replying anymore.

Lesson learnt
-Never smoke while texting..

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School tasks

Just before lunch break one day, the teacher asked all the students to go out an get inspiration for a report after break.

Afterwards little Sarah comes in and describes in very vivid detail a rose growing in mud, with water drops glistening in the sun. The teacher with a tear in her eyes ask...

My son and I were having a fight.

"You never learn from your mistakes!" he complained.

I told him I have learnt a lot from him.

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea-weed.

*First joke my 4 year old son learnt

I got kicked out of Disneyland yesterday

What I learnt is that you aren’t allowed to sit on Pinocchio’s face and ask him to lie to you.

Funny, since it’s not even mentioned on the website in the ‘things you shouldn’t do’ section.

The WiFi is broken

The WiFi at home has been broken all weekend so I had to talk to the wife...

To my surprise, I learnt that she no longer works at Woolworths.

TIL: I am related to Stevie Wonder

I also learnt he has been telling people he has never seen me before.

Why did the spider never go to school

Because she learnt everything on the web.



b^a^d^a^b^u^m

Polaroid of the suspect

Reporter: 'Here I am, live at the scene of the crime, in fact I've just learnt the police have a polaroid of the suspect. More on this story as it develops.'

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

A friend of mine died last friday, while drinking his martini

It's on that day I learnt an important lesson:

Though laughter is the best medicine, in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.

Joke my grandad told me :)

Two men, a Irishman and an Englishman where talking when they learnt that at the moment there was a massive demand for crocodile skin shoes, wanting to take ahold of this opportunity the Irishman and the Englishman bought two guns and set sail to Africa, when they arrived they went they’re separate...

Things we should be learning from dogs:

1) Love
2) Trust
3) Loyalty

What we learnt: POSITION

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A man buys a house in a new neighbourhood

The next morning, at 8, the man's neighbour rings his doorbell. The guy wakes up and opens the door, still in half-sleep.

"Hey. Sorry to wake you up, but you parked your car right in front of mine. I can't get mine out, and I am running late for office." The neighbour says.

"Oh, I'm r...

Three expectant mothers

Are in the doctors waiting room knitting. The first takes a pill and the other two look over at her "iron so baby will be nice and healthy" she tells the other two. Not to be out done the second takes one too "calcium so baby grows up strong". The last also takes one "thalidomide, because I've not l...

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

Little Suzy was upset and crying...

"What's wrong?" Asked her mother
"We learnt about the moon landing today." Said Suzy
"What's upsetting about that, I was a great American achievement." The mother explained
"Yeah but our teacher said that because of the sun the flag would turn white" Suzy sobbed out
"Yes that's because o...

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

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An Old couple is having sex..

Right in the middle of it, as the old woman is moaning and twitching, the old man stops suddenly and remains motionless for a good 20 seconds. Then he continues from where left off.

Another minute later, he does the same thing. This goes on for a few more times, till finally the old woman h...

Johnny's math skills

The village priest pays a visit to the local primary school. After introducing himself and his church, he also wants to see how much the kids have learnt already and asks little Johnny: "So Johnny, if you have 8 appples and you give me 4, how many apples do you have left?" "4, Sir", little Johnny re...

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Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been ad...

There was a man in a big city who got a job at a call center.

He was working 12 hour shifts everyday, he was entirely dedicated to his work.

He had a dog with him named Ricky and he used to play with it daily and had learnt a lot of skills in training dogs. It was his favorite dog. He also had another hobby of picking up dirty items off roads.

...

Daddy's little swimmer

A class of 8 years old are at the winning pool. All the kids jump in except little Johnny who has Down Syndrom.
Teacher comes to him and asks if he can swim.
"yes I can" he answers
"Are you afraid to go in?"
"No" he answers.
"Go ahead, jump and enjoy then" says the teacher
So littl...

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An American goes on a vacation to Mexico.

After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next...

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I will never forget the story of when I bought my first condoms

I was 16 year old at that time and got serious with my GF and we decided to bang for the first time.

So I took a trip to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. In the pharmacy was one really hot blonde pharmacist in her early 20s.

I then proceeded to look at the condoms like I was an exper...

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Lost in translation

Two businessmen travel to Japan for a meeting with some japanese partners. They arrive a few days earlier to adjust to jet lag and all. They spend the day touristing, they go to some good restaurant in the evening and they decide to visit a japanese brothel. So they enjoy themselves watching some po...

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

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Aakashvaani

Pandavas and Kauravas learnt the art of warfare from their teacher Dronacharya.

One fine day, Dronacharya was teaching Arjuna (3rd oldest among Pandavas) the art of Archery.


He said in a heavy voice, "Arjuna, there's a parrot. You need to concentrate and hit his right eye."
...

Bob was a good man

He didn't take any drugs, he had never cheated on his wife, he had never even gotten drunk.

One day, he got promoted at work and went out with some friends, he assured his wife that he would not get drunk, just non-alcoholic beer.

Bob's friends had gotten really drunk and managed to co...

I've been working as an archaeologist in Iraq for a number of years now...

I've really been enjoying my time there and feel my work in the field is bringing a small amount of joy to the lives of citizens who have known great violence and terror.

I was recently working in a separatist region of the country, on a dig. All of a sudden we discovered a dinosaur fossil th...

A Wealthy Programmer Freezes Himself.

Back in the early 70s, a programmer was able to build several complex systems and was heavily compensated for his work. Throughout the years, he put his knowledge to work and was able to fix almost any problem thrown at him. Unfortunately, however, he learnt from his doctor that he was slowly dying ...

A mother went to visit her son

Mothers are smarter than you think they are ..... 

  
A Mom went to visit her son, Jack, for dinner and found that he had a girl by the name of Tammy for a roomate ... 
  
During the course of dinner, Jack's mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jack's housemate was and the moth...

This is a long joke but the build up is worth it

Somewhere far away from here, there was a horse, a cow and a chicken. The horse had always wanted to start a band, so he learnt to play the guitar, while he was learning, he started looking for others who would be interested in joining his band, and found a chicken who was really good at singing and...

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

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