I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

After six long years of marriage, I've realised my wife is a ninja.

I've never seen her coming.

Just realised something....

20 years too late but we finally got a millennium bug.


Sorry if you're too young to get this lol

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One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs

She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'

During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating banan...

I just realised you can't smile while blinking super fast

Not even a joke.just wanted you to smile

I finally realised that my parents favour my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

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A black kid puts powder on his face and realised he looked white

So he went down to his mom and said
“Look mom I’m white”.

His mother tells him
“Don’t do that, it’s not funny now go wash up”.

The kid then goes to his dad who said
“Why are you doing stupid things. Now go clean up”.

The kid disappointed with his parents reaction say...

I just realised something really coincidental.

Units of time can correlate to words of inferiority. For example,

* second = second (second place)
* week = weak
* fortnight = Fortnite

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I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

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I realised the other day that I was using fake shit on my hair.

That's why I stopped using sham-poo.

I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked.

reading the posts here in r/jokes i realised two things

/- the 75% of you has problem grammer in english


/- the other 45% struggle with maths

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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

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A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note... ...I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

Warning: When I came back from a walk this morning I realised I might have touched something infectious,

so I duly scrubbed and washed. Then I noticed that my hand had turned bright red and was feeling really hot. What was worse, each of my fingers had grown two little horns on the top. I tell you, that's the last time I'm using that hand sataniser.

My dog was walking a little weird but then I realised...

He had two left feet.

Once I started spending my own money, I realised that my mother was right.

We do have food at home.

I used to laugh at the circus.

But then I realised I too have been cream-pied by clowns.

Monster under the bed

Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sle...

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

A man walks into a bar...

After walking straight into the door he realised he lived in the UK and the bar was actually closed. Oh well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always wondered why The Muppets had such large and wide open eyes.

I then realised that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

Walking along the street with my friends I realised he was about to stand on a rolex that somebody had obviously lost.

"Watch! Where you're stepping!" I shouted.

Mixed up two shipments at work but nobody realised

I actually was pretty lucky that both were closed caskets.

I dreamed last night that I was swimming in an ocean of soft drink

Then I woke up and realised it was just a Fanta sea.

When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

I still remember the day I realised my girlfriend was a keeper!

She had massive gloves on.

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very...

Just got home and realised Staples had sold me a packet of cardboard instead of paper.

I’m writing them a stiff letter.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lifeguard with a little head

A lifeguard with a huge masculine body and a very small head (I mean unnaturally small) was patrolling the beach. Many people knew him
When his head was normally sized but everyone was too scared to ask him what had happened... until Tim walked past him and said “hold up! Bob what happened to you...

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

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What did Hitler say when he realised that the war was lost?

“I did Nazi that coming”

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Watched the weirdest porn today of some sad old man, masturbating.

Then I realised I forgot to turn the screen on.

Today I realised that eating ice cream isn't filling the emptiness I feel inside.

But I'm no quitter.

I bought a 12ft tall multiplication symbol and just realised I can also use it as an addition symbol too.

That's a big plus.

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

I just went up into the loft to fetch the last of the Christmas presents down and realised I’d left a present I bought for my wife up there from last year, totally forgot about it...

It’s a real shame, she’d have loved that puppy.

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

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I fail all my dates!

I was out with this girl right? We spent the night in a bar talking and it was pretty cool. Then the waiter came with the bill. She saw it, she made a move to pay and she goes like ''what do I owe?''. Well I looked at ther and I go ''Pretty girls never pay!'', she looks at me and she smiles, then I ...

When I realised I had lost my favourite spanner...

It was a real wrench.

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

When I first realised that the two most fundamental mathematics constants spell pie I nearly died

Couldn't find my epi pen

Two symptoms of coronavirus are brain fog and irritability

I’ve just realised I’ve had long covid since about 2001

I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.

But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

Last night I came up with the most innovative idea and made a belt with connecting watches from my collection....

..................... It wasn't long before I realised it was a Waist of Time!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky

Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I realised how perverted and wrong touching someone's butt is, but it was when i slapped a statue...

When i realised that i've hit rock bottom.

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding,Sophie was getting dressed,surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she’d forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I went to a Japanese restaurant for the first time, I couldn't understand why this condiment stung a lot. But then I realised..

It was a bee.

I never realised Dwayne Johnson lived in the apartment above us.

All this time we had been living under a rock.

Last Sunday, on Mother's Day, I realised that it

...wasn't Mother's Day after all, so there's no need to panic.

I never realised how close "f" and "t" were on the keyboard...

...not until I texted my wife and told her I'd tucked our daughter in, anyway.

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So there I was, balls deep in a jar of peanut butter,

then I realised I'm fucking nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having an argument with a big fat ugly twat the other day and everything I said he repeated, this went on for over an hour, then I realised I was looking at a mirror.

On reflection, I suppose he was right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People sometimes ask me when I realised I was gay...

I remember the moment clearly... I was talking to a friend, explaining some minor life problem that I wasn't sure what to do about, and so he sighed and said "fuck man"...

and I thought, "hey, that's not a bad idea actually..."

After spending all day looking for the perfect vacuum I finally realised...

They all suck

I thought the math exam was bad enough. But when I finished i realised...

I had to deal with the aftermath.

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A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, ...

I used to hate Math. But then I realised...

*...decimals have a point.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my classmate told me: "I have a problem with degenerate homos". I was outraged by his bigoted words..

..until I realised he was talking about our physics homework!

(Glossary: Degenerate - Having the same energy level. HOMO - Highest Occupied Molecular Orbital)

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.

I’m rea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going number 2 when i realised there was no more toilet paper

It scared the shit out of me. I guess I don't need to wipe anymore.

A new general was allotted to a new army base

After some time in the base he realised how there were two army men guarding an empty bench all the time. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been happening since I joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always wanted to make a joke that would make everyone laugh their asses off.

But then I realised that if I did do that, I would have to pay for all of the ass reattachment surgeries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

I bought an LP of wasp noises.

I bought an LP of wasp noises. When I played it the first track didn't sound like a wasp, nor did the second track. It was then I realised I was listening to the B side.

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