UPJOKE
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Realised Jokes

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Just realised the cost of my toilet paper has tripled in the last 3-4 years

Shit is getting expensive

I just realised

The orphanage is the safest place to crack yo mama jokes

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A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “T...

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin brother...

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

Just realised something....

20 years too late but we finally got a millennium bug.


Sorry if you're too young to get this lol

11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

Have you ever realised how pretty the second letter of the word hive is?

I've always said that beauty is in the I of the bee holder

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I've realised that I can speak to the dead

A shame really, since they can't hear me for shit

When I first realised I was a conjoined twin.....

I was beside myself!

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Just realised that the Oscars next week is a big fucking lie all the way along...

Those people they invite to their ceremonies, are all paid actors.

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

Mixed up two shipments at work but nobody realised

I actually was pretty lucky that both were closed caskets.

Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

I just realised you can't smile while blinking super fast

Not even a joke.just wanted you to smile

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

I just realised something really coincidental.

Units of time can correlate to words of inferiority. For example,

* second = second (second place)
* week = weak
* fortnight = Fortnite

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

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A black kid puts powder on his face and realised he looked white

So he went down to his mom and said
“Look mom I’m white”.

His mother tells him
“Don’t do that, it’s not funny now go wash up”.

The kid then goes to his dad who said
“Why are you doing stupid things. Now go clean up”.

The kid disappointed with his parents reaction say...

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...

Finally I've realised the truth!

7/11 was a part time job

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I finally realised...

If four people having sex is called a foursome,
And three people having sex is a threesome,
Thats why people call me handsome

reading the posts here in r/jokes i realised two things

/- the 75% of you has problem grammer in english


/- the other 45% struggle with maths

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

My dog was walking a little weird but then I realised...

He had two left feet.

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People sometimes ask me when I realised I was gay...

I remember the moment clearly... I was talking to a friend, explaining some minor life problem that I wasn't sure what to do about, and so he sighed and said "fuck man"...

and I thought, "hey, that's not a bad idea actually..."

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

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A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, ...

I was going to tell a joke about fencing

But then I realised it might just be a riposte

I still remember the day I realised my girlfriend was a keeper!

She had massive gloves on.

I never realised how close "f" and "t" were on the keyboard...

...not until I texted my wife and told her I'd tucked our daughter in, anyway.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

I never realised Dwayne Johnson lived in the apartment above us.

All this time we had been living under a rock.

I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.

But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.

I used to hate Math. But then I realised...

*...decimals have a point.*

Last Sunday, on Mother's Day, I realised that it

...wasn't Mother's Day after all, so there's no need to panic.

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What did Hitler say when he realised that the war was lost?

“I did Nazi that coming”

Fixed to the spot, the squirrel realised ...

he'd buried the wrong nuts.

Once I started spending my own money, I realised that my mother was right.

We do have food at home.

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At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

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I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient. [long]

I got a rather verbose birthday card some time back containing a story - this is my retelling of it:

I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient.

Unfortunately, I was up to my elbows in sticky mixture and didn't really want to have to go through the faf...

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

After spending all day looking for the perfect vacuum I finally realised...

They all suck

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Just realised why careers advisors are shit

they couldn't even pick their own career

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Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

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A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

I thought the math exam was bad enough. But when I finished i realised...

I had to deal with the aftermath.

Just got home and realised Staples had sold me a packet of cardboard instead of paper.

I’m writing them a stiff letter.

The first time I realised I was dyslexic...

Was when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

I realised I had made a mistake when I tried to kill myself.

I was dangling with the noose around my neck, and a man came up to me. I gasped at him with my last breaths "What would it take for you to cut me down?" But he just stood there silently as I waited for his answer.

I hate it when people keep me hanging.

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

When I first realised that the two most fundamental mathematics constants spell pie I nearly died

Couldn't find my epi pen

I finally realised why Oscar Pistorius lost his trial

Because from a legal point he didn't have a leg to stand on.

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I was going number 2 when i realised there was no more toilet paper

It scared the shit out of me. I guess I don't need to wipe anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just realised that the mirror on snow white is Sir Mix A Lot

Because it likes big butts and it can not lie...

Growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now that I'm old, I've realised

I should have been more specific.

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I realised how perverted and wrong touching someone's butt is, but it was when i slapped a statue...

When i realised that i've hit rock bottom.

I bought a 12ft tall multiplication symbol and just realised I can also use it as an addition symbol too.

That's a big plus.

My friend started selling his own body parts to make money

First it was just one of his fingers to pay some bills off. When he realised how much he could make he sold even more body parts. Sitting in his mansion, rich enough to afford not to work, he asked me what I thought about him selling even more body parts.

I told him, I think you should quit w...

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The little riding hood

The little riding hood goes to bring food to her grandmother.

On her way, she Saw the Big Wolf behind a wooden tree and she told him : " hoooo, what Big eyes you have!"

The wolf runaway.

A little further, she Sees the wolf behind a rock and she tells him : "what big hands you h...

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortuna...

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

A list dog strays I to the Jungle...

A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this little guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind of thing before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some...

i was playing a game earlier and the other team was really good and i'm new so i left. and then i realised i didn't rage quit i parent quit

i wasn't mad just disappointed.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I asked him: "Could you please give me some change?"

He replied: "Ah, the old Reddit switcharoo!"

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