UPJOKE
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A friend of mine drinks a bottle of brake fluid a day.

He says he's not addicted and can stop any time.

what is long, has a slanted tip, and pours fluid when in use?

A pen is.

Where do you buy embalming fluid?

At the coroner store.

My wife said she’s leaving me cause I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid

But I know I can stop any time I want

Every time I turn on my friend’s mustang it sprays this weird fluid everywhere

And apparently he doesn’t want me to come over and take care of his horses anymore

I have an addiction to brake fluid.

The good news is I can stop anytime I want.

A local man is addicted to break fluid

He says he can stop anytime he wants.

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

Did you know that the consistency of a woman's menstrual fluid is varies greatly based on her diet?

It's a viscous cycle.

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

What’s the fastest fluid?

Milk. It’s pasteurised before you see it!

The Florida / Florida State rivalry...

briefly extended to sports drinks. The University of Florida created Gatorade, Florida State came back with Seminole Fluid.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

I’m very glad that the University of Florida invented Gatorade, and not Florida State.

I mean really, what sounds more appetizing: Gatorade, or Seminole Fluid?

I used to have an addiction to drinking power steering fluid.

But I've turned my life around now!

What do a non-newtonian fluid and a massochist have in common?

They get hard when you punch them

What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

A lot of people think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid

I always tell them, “don’t worry, I can stop whenever I want.”

My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The office blonde

Three secretaries all left the office for lunch together.

As they got in the elevator, they noticed a small pool of white-ish fluid on the floor.

The brunette said,

“Ew! Is that semen?”

The redhead leaned closer, then said,

“Yep, definitely semen.”

The blond...

A recent study shows that 9 out of 10 people addicted to brake fluid...

...just can't stop.

What measurement of fluid rules them all?

The liter

What do you call a Russian raspberry dipped in lighter fluid?

Rasp-butane

“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you say farewell to a pure, sexually fluid person?

Good Bi!

My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 1 Episode 16

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.



"Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken s...

Went to the store to buy break fluid.

Came back with some coffee.

Brake Fluid

A mechanic was working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. At first he spit it out, but he found that the aftertaste was not tha bad. He continued working under the car when some more brake fluid found its way into his mouth. This time he swallowed. He really liked the taste of...

There is new term for waking up in prison, covered in various bodily fluids

Cosby sweater

Do you guys like jokes about the exchanging of bodily fluids for doggy biscuits?

Well, urine for a treat!

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to chec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

How to change the blinker fluid in your car or truck:

STEP ONE: wear safety glasses! If you get any fluid in your eye, it will cause uncontrollable blinking until you wash it out.

I wasn't feeling very well so my doc told me to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest.

So I drank till I passed out.

[meta*] surprising new science shows that the way humans understand jokes can be acurately modelled by fluid dynamics

let that sink in.

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things where Mechanics and Dentists are similar: drills, fluids, expensive without insurance. Things where Mechanics and Dentists Differ:

Dentists will at least wait until your asleep before they try and fuck you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

I went to my doctor with fluid on my knee.

He said you're not aiming straight.

I told my grand kids that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle...

So they unplugged my computer and threw out my bourbon..

The reason I check my hair and my general appearance so often, is because of this one bad day. I can't even say I remember it, but I am told my hair was a mess, I was covered with unspeakable fluids, had trouble breathing, couldn't even stand, and I cried in front of everyone.

I'm still trying to live down the day I was born.

Four guys were driving in a car, an engineer, electrician, plumber and an IT guy

The car suddenly stops working.

The engineer suggest to check the belts, fluids etc...

The electrician suggest to check the battery and alternator...

The plumber suggest to check the fuel level, pump and filter...

Last, the IT guys says lets get out, lock the doors, unl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, it's a full moon tonight. Tomorrow I'll wake up in some woods, naked and covered in bodily fluids...

...oh no, I'm not a werewolf, I'm going dogging.

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