UPJOKE
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Fluid Jokes

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime
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I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want
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I'm like a non-newtonian fluid.





You have to hit me to make me hard.
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Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.
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What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.
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What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke
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What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how sexuality is fluid?

Well mine is a non-Newtonian. When you hit me I get hard.

A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.

The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”
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When you go to the hospital, where do they insert the IV for fluids?

In your forearm.
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Man addicted to drinking brake fluid...

claims he can stop any time he wants.

Bonus

I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.
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It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
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Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.
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What’s the fastest fluid?

Milk. It’s pasteurised before you see it!
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Where do you buy embalming fluid?

At the coroner store.
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what is long, has a slanted tip, and pours fluid when in use?

A pen is.
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Every time I turn on my friend’s mustang it sprays this weird fluid everywhere

And apparently he doesn’t want me to come over and take care of his horses anymore
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A recent study shows that 9 out of 10 people addicted to brake fluid...

...just can't stop.
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What do you call a fluid log of fluid logs?

A diarrhea diary.
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What measurement of fluid rules them all?

The liter
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A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to chec...
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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink
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Brake Fluid

A mechanic was working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. At first he spit it out, but he found that the aftertaste was not tha bad. He continued working under the car when some more brake fluid found its way into his mouth. This time he swallowed. He really liked the taste of...
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“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."
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Went to the store to buy break fluid.

Came back with some coffee.
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Did you know that the consistency of a woman's menstrual fluid is varies greatly based on her diet?

It's a viscous cycle.
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I used to have an addiction to drinking power steering fluid.

But I've turned my life around now!
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What do you call a Russian raspberry dipped in lighter fluid?

Rasp-butane
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A lot of people think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid

I always tell them, “don’t worry, I can stop whenever I want.”
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you say farewell to a pure, sexually fluid person?

Good Bi!

My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants
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A juggler, and the police....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler ge...
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My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...
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Did you know that drinking the fluids inside of lava lamps gives you strange powers?

Seriously! I tried it, and I teleported to a hospital!
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I went to my doctor with fluid on my knee.

He said you're not aiming straight.
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Murphy–Snowden Law of Fluid Dynamics

Everything leaks out eventually.
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There is new term for waking up in prison, covered in various bodily fluids

Cosby sweater
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Do you guys like jokes about the exchanging of bodily fluids for doggy biscuits?

Well, urine for a treat!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

How does a fetus like it's amniotic fluid?

At womb temperature!
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