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Fluid Jokes

When you go to the hospital, where do they insert the IV for fluids?

In your forearm.

I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want

A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.

The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”
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I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.

I'm like a non-newtonian fluid.





You have to hit me to make me hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how sexuality is fluid?

Well mine is a non-Newtonian. When you hit me I get hard.

Every time I turn on my friend’s mustang it sprays this weird fluid everywhere

And apparently he doesn’t want me to come over and take care of his horses anymore

what is long, has a slanted tip, and pours fluid when in use?

A pen is.

What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

Man addicted to drinking brake fluid...

claims he can stop any time he wants.

Bonus

I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

Where do you buy embalming fluid?

At the coroner store.

A recent study shows that 9 out of 10 people addicted to brake fluid...

...just can't stop.

What’s the fastest fluid?

Milk. It’s pasteurised before you see it!

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

Did you know that the consistency of a woman's menstrual fluid is varies greatly based on her diet?

It's a viscous cycle.

My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

I used to have an addiction to drinking power steering fluid.

But I've turned my life around now!

What do you call a Russian raspberry dipped in lighter fluid?

Rasp-butane

“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you say farewell to a pure, sexually fluid person?

Good Bi!

What measurement of fluid rules them all?

The liter

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to chec...

A lot of people think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid

I always tell them, “don’t worry, I can stop whenever I want.”

Went to the store to buy break fluid.

Came back with some coffee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...

Brake Fluid

A mechanic was working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. At first he spit it out, but he found that the aftertaste was not tha bad. He continued working under the car when some more brake fluid found its way into his mouth. This time he swallowed. He really liked the taste of...

There is new term for waking up in prison, covered in various bodily fluids

Cosby sweater

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

I wasn't feeling very well so my doc told me to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest.

So I drank till I passed out.

[meta*] surprising new science shows that the way humans understand jokes can be acurately modelled by fluid dynamics

let that sink in.

Do you guys like jokes about the exchanging of bodily fluids for doggy biscuits?

Well, urine for a treat!

What do you call a fluid log of fluid logs?

A diarrhea diary.

A juggler, and the police....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things where Mechanics and Dentists are similar: drills, fluids, expensive without insurance. Things where Mechanics and Dentists Differ:

Dentists will at least wait until your asleep before they try and fuck you

I told my grand kids that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle...

So they unplugged my computer and threw out my bourbon..

The reason I check my hair and my general appearance so often, is because of this one bad day. I can't even say I remember it, but I am told my hair was a mess, I was covered with unspeakable fluids, had trouble breathing, couldn't even stand, and I cried in front of everyone.

I'm still trying to live down the day I was born.

I went to my doctor with fluid on my knee.

He said you're not aiming straight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does my asshole and my Toyota have in common?

They're both leaking tranny fluid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, it's a full moon tonight. Tomorrow I'll wake up in some woods, naked and covered in bodily fluids...

...oh no, I'm not a werewolf, I'm going dogging.

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