Revelations states that the end of the world would be signaled by “Trumpets”. Lately, I’m beginning to think we mistranslated, and really it’s,

*The end of the world would be signaled by Trump/Pence*.

A conversation about Trump while writing Revelations

John: "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: "Yeah, trumpets."

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

A clergyman called on one of his lady parishioners hoping for a cup of tea and a chat.

When he rang the doorbell, no-one answered, although he was sure he could hear someone moving around in the house; so eventually he wrote on a visiting card "Revelation 3:20" and went away

>! Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in ...

My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation.

That's a big stretch.

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Three married women are having a "girls only" night out

**NOTE: I'm TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS JOKE FROM MY LANGUAGE TO ENGLISH HOPE IT TRANSLATES WELL AND SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR**

They are enjoying a lovely evening talking about their lives as they usually do every week when they meet up, one of them is particularly excited and fails to hide her exc...

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Wedding night revelations

A very religious couple, who have saved themselves until marriage, rush to their hotel room after the wedding ceremonies.

Before they go in, the bride, embarassed, says:

*-My darling, I have a confession to make... I've been wearing padded bras this whole time, my boobs are so very sma...

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A man sitting in a bar has a revelation.

After a few drinks a man in a bar begins to think that his wife is cheating on him. He rushes home to his second story apartment and finds his wife in a sexy robe. Conviced that he caught her he starts searching throughout the apartment but cannot find anyone.
All of a sudden he hears a cry of h...

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

Early morning revelations

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

Apparently other than the russian ties, another interesting revelation was released about Trump.

He loves trickle-down economics.

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Revelations during my island holidays

I've been doing some holidaying recently and through I'd share some of my discoveries.

My first trip was a week and a half in the Canary Islands.

In my whole time there I didn't find a single canary!

After that I spent a month in the Virgin Islands and you know what?

No...

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been ...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A Revelation

It all started yesterday when I had to change a lightbulb.

On my way to the hardware store to buy a bulb I followed a chicken across the street.

Afterwards I walked into a bar where I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, the bartender with no arms or legs....

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You're not depressed...

I was at the beach and noticed a younger guy who was moping and looking sad. To make matters worse the guy was scrawny and couldn't have weighed more than a 100 lbs.

I walked up to the guy and said "hey buddy what's wrong? It's a beautiful day at the beach and there's nothing but gorgeous...

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

There was once an old man who loved telling jokes

After a while, he decided that he wanted to share his jokes with the entire town. So every week he’d write down a new joke on posters and put them in as many places as possible. One day, however, he put up a joke that someone didn't like, and in the middle of the night, they tore every single joke d...

A young monk arrives for work at a monastery

A young monk arrives for work at a monastery where scrolls are copied from prior scrolls by hand. After some time he noticed that they are copying from copies. Humbly he points out to the master monk that an error could be introduced and then copied and recopied via this process.



The...

You heard about the electrician who became a priest?

He had a shocking revelation.

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So, this chick walks into a bar.

She sees a guy sitting at the bar and he's pretty attractive, but very sad. So she decides to sit down next to him. She can't help but ask why he's so sad. He says that his girlfriend just broke up with him. She replies that in an odd bit of happenstance, her boyfriend had just broken up with her to...

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

A head goes in to a bar

A head goes in to a bar to celebrate his 18th birthday with his father who buys him his first beer. Several seconds later he grows a torso.

Bewildered by this amazing revelation his father encourages him to drink another beer, he downs it and he grows an arm!

A small group of punters h...

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A man and a woman are getting married

Coming from very conservative families, they had been completely chaste, never having even seen each other naked.

The day before their wedding, the woman comes up to her fiancé and says "Honey, I've got something to tell you. I've been stuffing my bra, I'm actually very flat chested" and the ...

Makes you think

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white,...

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A man is suffering with very bad headaches

So he eventually goes to see the Doctor who offers him a solution. ‘The good news is that I can cure your headaches,’ says the Dr. ‘The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press against the base of your spine. It’s this pressure ...

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One goes East, one goes West...

It is a Friday night, and everyone is heading home for the weekend. An Army Sergeant leaves the base late, heading west for his home. Across town, at another base, an Air Force Sergeant also leaves late, heading east.

The snow starts blowing, and the sun sets. On the highway, both Sergeants ...

Two friends are talking in a bar...

Their names are Fred and Michael. They've known each other for a while, 15 years roughly. So they feel pretty comfortable with each other talking about more...sensitive topics. On this occasion, Fred decided to ask Michael about his son as it was something that had been nagging him for a while but h...

What does God play on Jesus' birthday?

Revelation Time! (Come on!)

Implantable Headphones

The past few years, people have been circulating articles saying that we'll all have to get chip implants under Obamacare. They reference the book of Revelation and say it's the mark of the beast. But I got to thinking; in-ear headphones get annoying and over-ears aren't that portable. So in the fut...

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Two Irish men are digging a ditch.

Two irish men are digging a ditch while a third British man keeps watch on their progress. One Irish man asks t'other "why is it that we have to be down here in this mud while the Brit sits up there on his lazy arse." The second Irish man, indignant at this sudden revelation, stomps up to the man on...

A Preacher

A preacher is making his weekly rounds to people's houses, trying to get them to convert. He reaches one home in the afternoon, and rings the doorbell. He distinctively hears someone inside, but no one comes to answer the door, so after waiting a few minutes of knocking and asking if anyone was home...

A man is being tried for murder, but the body has not yet been found.

The jury is considering the death penalty. The man's defense lawyer comes on the podium and says he has a revelation to make.

"The victim is alive," the lawyer says, "I found him and he will enter this doorway right about now."

The court then turns their heads toward the door waiting ...

Three men were sitting in a life boat...

Three men were sitting in a life boat for 4 weeks after their boat had collapsed. On the start of the 5th week, one of the men said "We might as well kill ourselves, we'll never be saved!" The other man replied "No, my friend. I still have faith that the Lord will save us." That's when the third man...

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Septic Tanks

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest th...

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A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon...

A man has a job interview at the zoo...

A man has a job interview at the zoo. The man conducting the interview looks over his resume and finds it impressive.
"You're just the sort of person we've been looking for and we would like to offer you the position," says the interviewer. "But the position itself is a bit...unorthodox."
"W...

There was an elderly couple aged 65 years old

Who had been married for 45 years. They shared a bed and like most couples had one side each, on her side was a bedside table with make up, hair curlers magazines etc, on his bedside table there was a small wooden box.

The husband went away to work one day and his wife was cleaning the house,...

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