UPJOKE
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Ultimate Jokes

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ...

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

Ultimate frustration on the golf course

A man has played so incredibly badly he tells his caddy “I’m so done with this game; done with life. I’m going to drown myself in that there lake.”
Caddy replies “Do you think you can keep your head down that long sir?”

What's the ultimate insult?

Is it in?

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I've invented the ultimate sex toy, the Fetish-o-matic 3000!

Not quite ready for mass production though, still working out the kinks.

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom

There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds her...

The Ultimate Cure

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch to the pharmacy.

As he approaches, he sees a man outside the pharmacy clutching onto a pole for dear life, barely breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What...

And now…for the ultimate test of Andrew Tate’s masculinity…

Prison

Why do horses make the ultimate contrarians?

Because they'll only ever say neigh

Ultimate Dad Joke

Son: Dad, what noise does an owl make at night?
Dad: Who?

Finally got to pull this one off after 6 years of patiently waiting!!

What do you get when you cross the ultimate jam band with the ultimate cheesy arena rock band?

Phish Styx

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What is the ultimate test of trust?

Letting a cannibal give you a Blowjob.

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

The ultimate gift

Three sons left home and everyone went their own way ...

When they returned home together, they boasted about the gifts they gave to their aging mother.

The first said: "I built a big luxury house for my mother."
The second said: "I sent my mom the latest Mercedes with the driver."<...

The Ultimate Blonde Joke

A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?'

The cop says, "You know - it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it".

The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hand...

It's a shame that, for all Weird Al's talents, he'll never know the ultimate height of fame

He'll never be parodied by Weird Al.

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Ultimate frisbee guys only want one thing...

And it’s fucking disc chucking

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Ultimate Weight Loss Program

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
<...

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My british friend tried joining the ultimate frisbee team....

but he didn't get along with anyone cause he thought they were all tossers.

Two men are playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

Two men, one called X and the other called Y, are playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. They've invited some friends, A, B, C and Z, over for a tournament.

Z is the last to arrive, but he's brought whiskey so he's all good. After they've all had a shot of whiskey, they start the tournament. A c...

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An army sergeant lines up his men for their final ultimate test of patriotism

Sergeant: "Men! Do you love your wives?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Do you love your country even more?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Would you sacrifice anything for your country?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!!!"

Sergeant: "Right men. In each of those huts o...

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Boobs

The ultimate proof men can focus on two things at once.

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what is the ultimate sign of trust?

two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.

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You can tell a jihadi about the 72 virgins, but ultimately....

He has to C4 himself

Pompeii must be the ultimate party town

Look at the locals, they're stoned 24/7

The ultimate Dad Joke

A father, on his deathbed, with his son crying over him.
Son: "I'm so sad"
Father: "Hi sad"... leans in and whispers, I'm dead."
Keels over and dies.

What's the ultimate rejection?

When you're mastutbating and your hand falls asleep.

I almost got a job at a bullring but ultimately decided against it.

There were too many red flags.

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The Ultimate Revenge

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband w...

Smash Bros Ultimate sold just over 5 million copies in USA.

Didn't knew so many people live in Alabama.

Satan Appears in a Church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon...

The ultimate bargain.

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?" The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give...

Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage

Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them

The ultimate catch-22.

My boss said I need to improve my work ethic.

I told him I'd work on it.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Hodor is the ultimate gentleman!

He always holds the door.

What is the ultimate Jewish conflict?

Pork chops at half price

The Ultimate Facts

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they alway...

Archaeologists are the ultimate hipsters

They love all that underground stuff.

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I told my Girlfriend my ultimate fantasy is to have sex with two women at the same time. She actually agreed...

She was livid when I told her she was neither of them.

My friend and I went to the ultimate brothel.

It was a huge place, and it claimed that it catered to every fantasy known to man.

"Man, I feel like a kid in a sweet shop," I said.

"I know what you mean, dude. What are you going to try out first?"

I said, "You heard."

I just thought of the ultimate April Fool's Prank. Let me spell it out for you.

I T O U T F O R Y O U

Sakurai Brings the Beta Copy of Smash Ultimate on a Cruise

On the first night at sea, he finally decided try the prototype his team had been working on. After rigging up his switch, he finally opened up the box that held the precious cartridge.

The problem?

It was missing.

In a panic, Sakurai searched the entire room, but he couldn't fi...

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.

98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.



While this has been verified by a recent sociological study,

it appears that mos...

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Procrastination is a lot like masturbation..

It feels nice at the time, but ultimately you’re just fucking yourself

A school robotics team made an ultimate weapon, and needed ammo that makes everything fall apart.

That’s why they used common core standards.

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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks wer...

I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt

Turns out He won by a landslide

The original script for Dr. Strange had an undead version of Wong battle with the living one. Ultimately they decided it didn't work.

Two Wongs don't make a wight.

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The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked...

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat.

There seemed to be one
next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there,
he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary
Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have tha...

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

.

Did you hear NASCAR and Formula One we're trying to make an Ultimate Showdown race but it got cancelled due to controversy?

Apparently NASCAR fans didn't want to mix the races....

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

I can't direct you the ingredients to the ultimate diet shake....

But I can show you the whey

A group of crows framed my friend, ultimately leading to his death

I swear I'll find the murder who criminalized him!

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

the ultimate pick up poem as told by my drunk father

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I've got a gun,
Get in the van

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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A man was apprehended for public masturbation but ultimately let go because he only did it for 10 seconds...

Ya, he definitely got off easy.

My last best man's speech was like the marriage

Short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

The One Ultimate Secret to Creating Clear Headlines that will make other joke-tellers hate you.

Corduroy Pillow Case.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

A young witch decided to join some of her peers out in the bogs of Scotland.

Unfortunately, she found difficultly fitting in with the group and ultimately couldn't handle living in that kind of environment. This did not surprise the elders of the group much. Indeed, as they were fond of saying:

If you can't stand the peat, get out of the coven.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

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A rich arab prince falls in love with a gipsy woman...

A rich arab falls in love with a gipsy woman. He tells her he loves her, but she says she can only marry him if her father aproves. The arab goes to the father and tells him he would do anything for the hamd of his daughter. The gipsy wasn't that eager to give her away, so he tried to find reasons n...

Why did Dennis Rodman get so many women?

Because he was the ultimate Rebound guy.

Saw Mill Accident

Two coworkers at the saw mill witness a horrible accident that claims the life of their friend Earl. They decide their first course of action would be to inform Earl's wife, who neither of them have ever met. Ultimately, the first worker says he'll go.

About ten minutes later, he returns with...

I think I cracked the overweight problem

# I think I cracked the overweight problem

Last week I weighed 150 pounds, I felt so miserable and was loosing all hope for my future. I couldn't think of a way to get over the shame. Then it struck me and I figured out the ultimate way to get it over with. I immediately did what I had to do,...

My SO has a foot fetish which I've never found appealing. After a bit of pressure and experimenting, my SO finally won me over.

I ultimately accepted defeat.

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My Grandma's favorite saying

Life is the ultimate disease. Its sexually transmitted and terminal.

The Pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales....

A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.

"I-i-i... I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father..."

"That would be wonderful, my son. We'll start you with one box. Please go door to door thr...

Of all the Disney Princesses, Cinderella is the most experienced and competent at deep-throat

She is most well-known for struggling -- and ultimately **succeeding** -- in her desperate quest to reach the ball!

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

God gave us a chance...

He gave all of mankind a chance.

"Humans, I offer you the gift of words. The ultimate tool. These words are reusable, renewable, and refutable. Go do what you please with this divine gift!"

God watched from his pedestal as primitive man and woman jumped about in excitement alike.
<...

A Salesman is working late one night to close a deal with some clients.

They start to get hungry, so he calls down to the office cafeteria to see if they can fix anything. The kitchen is already closed for the night, so the best the chef can do is whip up some sandwiches. As the chef is plating them up, he accidentally knocks the pickle jar off the counter and shatter...

The Milky Way experienced a cosmic fender-bender with a dwarf galaxy 500 million years ago.

It was the ultimate slow-down of ultimate density.

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