UPJOKE

Last Year Jokes

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

My resolution this year is the same as last year.

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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

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*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave up alcohol last year.

It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

I tried to give up sex, but it wasn't any longer.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bul...

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.

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I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that’s gross.

I said “no, that’s net.”

So I had an interview last year

The interviewer: You answers should be quick
Me: Ok
Interviewer: what is 1490/52?
Me:quick

I think my friend is lying when he claimed he reached the top of Mount Everest last year.

I’m not sure if…he made it up.

I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...

All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.

Last year I made seven figures.

And that’s why I got sacked from the action figure factory.

I got a vasectomy last year.

Turns out they don't prevent pregnancy, it just changes the color of the baby.

I tried to make a corona virus joke last year.

Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

Last year I entered the New York City marathon.



The race started, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.<...

A blonde bought some water skis last year but has yet to try them out.

She's still looking for a lake with a hill.

My wife quit her job last year...

To pursue a career in, what I can only assume, is a pyramid scheme. I was worried at first because I don't understand how anyone can make money selling *only* fans, but she raked in 100k last year so I guess she's got a knack for it.

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Last year I was miserable and depressed.

But this year i turned that shit around.

Now I am depressed and miserable.

It's the Month of Ramadan and we had remaining dates from last year but we can't use them this year.

They're Outdated.

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

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Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys.

They were real nice, car started right up with no problems, and they even helped me get back to the interstate.

My New Year resolution is the same as last year..

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Next year could be a Re-do of last year:

It’s 2020 too. And we know this year that 2020 won.

So my dad died last year

We were in a car accident and my dad lost loads of blood. EMT came onto the scene but nobody could remember what his blood type is in time for them to give him a transfusion.

Even as he died, Dad kept telling us to "Be positive" but it's hard without you here Dad. Hope you're in a better plac...

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90% of Alabama Highschoolers demonstrated proficiency in Trigonometry last year...

...It's all that fucking around with Cosin(e)s.

I went to Oktoberfest last year, but there were no women

It turned out to be a real sausage fest.

I was really depressed after I injured my neck in a car accident last year.

Now I can look back and laugh.

..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

I was getting the Xmas decorations down from the attic when i found a present i forgot to give last year.....

Shame, as the kids would have loved that puppy.

Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year’s resolutions

…tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf.

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

Last year was so terrible that...

...this year most of us can't wait to get shot

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.

We haven’t met yet.

I went to my doctor last year.

They said they had good news and bad news.


The good news is I had a year to live.
The bad news was it was 2020.

My mother and father separated last year

My mother and father separated last year and my father recently started seeing someone and it's been very hard for me. There are two major issues I have with his new partner.

He's black.

So my girlfriend and I broke up last year...

I dont want to say she was fat, but it took 9 months for my memory foam matress to forget her

My Dad got me a thesaurus for Christmas last year

But when I opened it every single page was blank.
I didn't have the words to describe how angry I was.

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

I made a lot of girls wet last year

but I ain't snatching umbrellas anymore.

I was up in Canada for vacation last year...

And the morning after I arrived, I went down to this little cafe beneath the hotel for a coffee. I approached the counter and said "howdy!" to the barista...

The barista asked me, "where are you from, eh?"


To which I replied "oh, I'm from California..." ...

Why did it take up until last year for Volkswagen to finally manufacture electric cars in the United States?

Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out

Dad: I haven't showered since last year

Me: You're too early, it's not 2020 yet!

Dad: Does that make a difference?

I donated a kidney last year

They still want to know where i got it from

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A man discovers he has been in a cult for the last year. OC

“How did you not know?” Asks his friend

“Well when everything happens bit by bit it all makes sense, the drugs, the robberies, the shrines.” He replies

“But what about the murder?” Asks the friend

“Well we were so high on acid that it just made sense, he was the King in Yellow t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't want to deal with shit from last year

Therefore, I just had my first poop in 2021

My girlfriend bought me the kamasutra last year

Which put me in a very awkward position.

My dad died last year

I remember how it happened. He suffered a terrible car accident and eventually died in the hospital from blood loss. We could've saved him, but none of us remembered his blood type. I still remember how my family gathered around his bed and how he kept telling us to "be positive" over and over again...

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Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky

Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect

My girlfriend and i went shopping last year

We have still been in the shopping mall.

If you got your new puppy after quarantine started last year...

...can you call it a Quar'n Dog?

I hate is when people ask me how I saw myself last year.

C'mon guys I don't have 2020 vision.

I have been working from home since March of last year.

I am an Uber driver.

I was in an orgy last year

It was strange, but my family has always had weird thanksgivings

Two panhandlers meet after a long time and talk about their last year income

Guy 1: How did it go last year?
Guy 2: Pretty decent, I was able to purchase a two bedroom apartment, a Ferrari and furnish my house.
Guy 1: Whaaaaaat? How did you manage to do that, I have been on the streets 24x7 and have hardly managed to pay rent and look after my family?
Guy 2: W...

My dad left to go get milk last year...

Unlike your dad, he came home that day!

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

I finally got rid of 100 lbs last year!

She took the dog though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I visited the Middle East last year...

And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.

Too hard for the camels.

I went to my retro themed grad party last year...

It was a stereotypical grad party themed around the days of old. Everyone wore old clothes and had classic American food. The music was old too


First was the "Twist", and only a few people were dancing on the floor

The next song was "Jump" and the majority of the people were jumpin...

Last year me and my company were partnered with Vidcon

So, I guess you could say we were Co-Vid19

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

Do you remember all those jokes made last year about having 2020 vision?

Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

Last year I became addicted to Boxing Day lunches.

I had to go cold turkey.

My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary"

Turns out it was just a play on words.

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There was no Nativity scene in Washington D.C. for Christmas last year

The Supreme Court ruled that there could not be a nativity scene on Capitol Hill. This was not for religious reasons. Rather, no one was able to find three wise men anywhere in the nation’s capital. They also had no luck finding a virgin woman. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to...

I haven't taken a bath since last year!

and by tomorrow, it'll be two

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a rough time in Vegas last year and ended up losing all my money.

It was time to get back home, but I'd lost so much money, I couldn't afford to pay for a cab to the airport.

When I asked the only cabbie on the strip for a little mercy, and vowed to pay wire him the cash, or to give him the rolex on my wrist, he laughed, and spat in my face.

I did...

Last year I was too fat...

And I had to go to fat camp.

This year I couldn't focus, now I have to go to concentration camp.

Last year, people told me to post anything here on my cake day to gain karma

But I didn't get many karma. The cake was a lie.

Last year I blew all my fingers off on the 4th of July

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

Just found an unopened Christmas present from last year.

Imagine giving someone a dog skeleton!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last year, my 80 year old mom started walking a mile a day.

I've no fucking idea where she is now.

Last year, I saw a ghost fly by

And September went really slow

I squared up with X and Y last year

That fight keeps circling back to me

A man said to me “I lost my eye in an accident last year”,

So I replied, “that really must change how you see the world”.

I took a levitation class last year...

I passed the first stage with flying colours, but then dropped out.

I was planning a holiday to America last year. I already had reservations.

Well, I was right.

I donated a kidney last year

Well, I never got to the donation part.. apparently I MUST state where I got it from

My grandfather died last year.

A month before he died, he smeared some lard on his back.

After that he went downhill fast.

I went as John Cena for Halloween last year

But everyone kept slamming the door on my face saying "damn ding dong ditchers"!

I'd been suspicious of my wife for awhile so tonight I asked her if I was the only one she'd slept with last year.

Thankfully she said yes. The others were 7s and 8s.

GB: Brexit was the dumbest thing in the last years!

USA: hold my drink!

PSA: This year, lets refrain from the 'I haven't taken a shower since last year!' jokes.

Please and thank you.

My father was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year, so I've gotten really good at introducing myself...

To all of mom's new boyfriends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were featured on Extreme Couponing last year.

Our episode of Hoarders airs next week!

So a mesothelioma patient competed in the Olympics last year

She didn't win anything, but she did asbestos she could.

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