UPJOKE
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The Origami world championships are live on TV this year.

It's only available on pay per view though.

Why does the Python live on land?

Because it's above C-level

Why do people who live on dead end roads have trouble charging their phones?

Because there’s no outlet

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

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Little Johnny and his sister come down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if they had done their chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back ...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

Did you hear the one about the Vegan Crossfitter who saw Hamilton live on Broadway with the original cast?

He didn't know which one to talk about first.

What do you call Rats that live on a star?

Palindrome.

Write a wise saying and your name will live on.

----Anonymous

Why did the cannibal live on his own?

He was fed up with other people.

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NASA Scientists say its possible to live on Mars.

Bullshit, I tried it and now I'm 15Kg heavier and diabetic

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

We used to live on a very busy main road.

But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move in to a house.

Anti vaxx jokes allow dead baby jokes to live on.

Unlike the non vaccinated kids.

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A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.

One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheep...

Where would Superman's family live on a vacation?

Host - EL

I'm starting a charity for PhD students so they can finally afford to live on their own without the need for roommates...

It's called "Doctors without Boarders."

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Two men and one women survive a plane crash and find an island to live on

There is plenty of food and water, and after a day they are able to build a suitable shelter. The days go by followed by weeks. After a few weeks of their day to day routine, they can no longer hold back their urges.

The can no longer contain these animal urges and begin to fuck. After a few ...

Told by a 5 year old boy live on local radio: Why did Mr humpty dumpy push Mrs humpty dumpy off the wall?

.....So he could see her crack....

What do you call two dentists that live on the opposite side of the world?

Molar opposites

Can a Frenchman live on an island?

'course 'e can!

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I live on the edge.....

Because my ass is to fat to fit on the seat

Stephen Fry broke a world record when he read the entire Harry Potter series live on BBC Radio 4.

Listeners were disappointed that he didn't read it out loud...

Someone calls the radio station and goes live on air

-Hey, I found a wallet on the Paloma street with 5000 US$ in it. It has an ID card too with the name Conrad Nalini.

-Yeah, and how may I help you, sir?

-Ah, no help needed. I just wanted to request a song for the guy.

What makes it impossible for cats to live on Mars?

Curiosity

Why do we live on a giant rock, but ruled by money?

Because paper beats rock.

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LIVE ON RADIO [long]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or...

Why do women live on average two years longer?

Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.

What street in France do reindeer live on?

Rue Dolph

Its possible to live on a diet of only potatoes

But, as the Irish found out, it wasn't possible to live on a diet without them.

Murphy's Pub

**Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”**

**The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”**

**The first one says, “So am I!...

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A man walked into his bedroom and see his wife is packing her suitcase

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to Germany. I heard prostitutes there get paid € 400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he...

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A man feels lost is life and decides to ask a rabbi for advice

He calls up the rabbi and asks for his address

The rabbi sais:

I live on the last house on 47th Street.
Now, when you come here, you can buzz in the apartment number with your left elbow and open the door with your right elbow.
When you enter the building, you can call for an el...

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Two men are talking about their sex lives...

One says to the other "I'm not getting on too badly. I have welfare sex."

"What's welfare sex?" asks the other

"Simple." replies the first guy. "I get some each month, but it ain't enough to live on!"

"Tell me about the day you died."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was hav...

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