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Live On Jokes

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Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny..

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mothe...

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

The Origami world championships are live on TV this year.

It's only available on pay per view though.

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

Why does the Python live on land?

Because it's above C-level

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

Why did the cannibal live on his own?

He was fed up with other people.

When I used to live on a Pacific island, Barry Gibb used to be my window cleaner and always scared the life out of me.

That Bee Gee with the squeegee really gave me the heebie jeebies in Fiji.

Write a wise saying and your name will live on.

----Anonymous

Why do people who live on dead end roads have trouble charging their phones?

Because there’s no outlet

If you live on the west coast of the USA right near the factory that makes diet pizza pockets, and you eat one

Then that is a local lo-cal Cal-zone calzone.

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NASA Scientists say its possible to live on Mars.

Bullshit, I tried it and now I'm 15Kg heavier and diabetic

In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

What do you call Rats that live on a star?

Palindrome.

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I live on the edge.....

Because my ass is to fat to fit on the seat

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What kind of animals live on the sexy farm?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

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Man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks “what are you doing?”…

She says, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes can make $500 for doing what I do with you for free”.

As the wife is getting to leave, she walks by the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Excuse me, what are you doing??”

Husband replies - “Coming to New York, I...

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LIVE ON RADIO [long]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or...

Can a Frenchman live on an island?

'course 'e can!

We used to live on a very busy main road.

But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move in to a house.

Anti vaxx jokes allow dead baby jokes to live on.

Unlike the non vaccinated kids.

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

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A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.

One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheep...

Someone calls the radio station and goes live on air

-Hey, I found a wallet on the Paloma street with 5000 US$ in it. It has an ID card too with the name Conrad Nalini.

-Yeah, and how may I help you, sir?

-Ah, no help needed. I just wanted to request a song for the guy.

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

Did you hear the one about the Vegan Crossfitter who saw Hamilton live on Broadway with the original cast?

He didn't know which one to talk about first.

What makes it impossible for cats to live on Mars?

Curiosity

Why do women live on average two years longer?

Because the time they spend parking doesn't count

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a pub.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm...

$400a night

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a ...

Why do we live on a giant rock, but ruled by money?

Because paper beats rock.

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