Hold Up Jokes - 15 Hilarious Hold Up Jokes

Two Robbers hold up a liquor store

One of them picks up a bottle and asked, "Is this Whiskey?!". The other one replies "Well not as whiskey as wobbing a bank".

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How does a snake hold up her tits?

With a Co-Bra.

A velociraptor struts into a bar, and the bartender exclaims, "Hold up! We don't serve your kind here."

The velociraptor looks at him and asks, "What about humans?" The bartender, puzzled, replies, "Well, yes, we serve humans." The velociraptor grins, "Perfect! I'll have one of those, medium-rare, please"

What’s the difference between a hold up and a stick up.

Old age.

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My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

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hold up

if bedbugs live in beds where do cockroaches live

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

Hold up

So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar

Oh wait

How Many Hispanics Does It Take To Hold Up A Roof?

Just Juan....

A Roman walks into a bar, hold up his hand making a peace sign

"Five beers please"

A lawyer and his friend waiting in line inside a bank when 5 robbers declared a hold up.

The robbers told everybody to lie down and put their money and jewelries inside the bag that the robbers are carrying. Then before the robbers reach the both of them, the lawyer gave his friend $2000-

Lawyer : That's the $2000 that i owe you

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

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A paranoid husband goes to an assassin

The assassin charges 10k per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"That's me."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found...

When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one-iron

Because even God can't hit a one-iron

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A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

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