Marshal Jokes - 42 Hilarious Marshal Jokes

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A member of Stalin's cabinet overhears a conversation in which Marshal Zhukov calls the Great Leader a "mustachioed asshat".

The cabinet member wastes no time in telling Stalin of this heresy. Stalin approaches Zhukov and says, "Now, who is a mustachioed asshat?"

Zhukov raises his eyebrows, "When I said that, I was thinking of Fuhrer Hitler, of course!"

He then turns to the cabinet member.

...

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A federal marshal walks into a bar in the Old West...

He tells the bartender about an unusual wanted man he's hunting.

"I haven't seen anybody too unusual around these parts lately," the bartender asks as he hands the marshal a drink. "How unusual are we talkin' here?"

"You'd definitely know this fella if you'd seen him," the marshal said...

What do Kobe Bryant and the marshal Tucker band have in common?

Their last big hit was fire on the mountain.

My buddy just became an Air Marshal.

He's a plane clothes cop.

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What kind of Marshall Arts does Challah Bread do?

JEW DOUGH!!

Marshall Dillon is returning from a 3-day trip hunting for outlaws. He see Chester walking down the middle of the street completely naked.

"Chester! What the hell are you doing walking down the street without your clothes?"

"Well, Mr. Dillon," says Chester, "since you were gone, Miss Kitty asked me to go on a picnic with her. So, we rode out to the woods, and she put a blanket on the ground. Then she took off all her clothes, an...

Marshall Mathers has agreed to be the spokesman for the Johnson&Johnson Covid Vaccine...

...cuz you only get one shot.

If I was a Medium I'd pretend to channel Marshall McLuhan..

then just sit there silently with a smug look on my face.

The government forcibly took over MarshallMathers.com

They cited Eminem domain

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During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

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Stalin sits inside of his office in the Kremlin.

He is attending a meeting of extreme importance with Marshall Zhukov. Outside of the office, sits Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev.

Soon enough, Marshall Zhukov walks out of Stalin's office, mumbling "Murderous mustache...". Poskrebyshev's face bleaches, as he storms inside of the office scre...

The fisherman and the marshall

There was this guy out on his boat catching some fish.

The marshal saw this guy and told him hey you can't fish here unless you have a permit. So show me your permit!

The guy says to the Marshall no no you don't understand these are my pet fish. Everyday I come to the lake let them sw...

A General was dispatched to the Kremlin I order to give Putin an update on the situation in Ukraine.

When he got there, he was met at the door by a Marshall, who pulled him aside and whispered “The President is a very busy man, and he only has the time for a single word from you, so think it over, and choose your word wisely!”

So the general mulled it over, as he nervously awaited his call. ...

Brave

Admiral Mc Kenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. Mc Kenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and Mc Kenzie asks: "So how are your men? "Very well trained. Mc Kenzie....

Marshall Mathers wants to make a statement but he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s saying it so

He requests eminemity.

Dog limps into Dodge City with a bloody leg, Marshall Dillon says "what brings you to town dog"? ... dog says

Im lookin for the man that shot my paw!

Napoleon at the annual military parade in Moscow

Napoleon is at the annual military parade in Moscow, alongside Putin, engrossed in reading a newspaper.
At his side, Marshal Ney blurts out to him "Your Majesty, look! If only we had such guns, we would not lose Waterloo!"
Napoleon keeps reading. Ney blurts out again, "Your Majesty,...

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A little boy lived next door to a fire station...

He would watch in awe as the fire trucks left the station with sirens blazing. The kid decided he was going to become a fireman. So he grabbed his radio flyer and stuck a makeshift ladder on it. Then he found a piece of old garden hose. He was well on his way. He remembered his plastic fireman's ha...

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Ten Lines to Get You Out of Jury Duty

1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.

2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.

3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him

4. I think laws are for sissies.

5. Would I have to bathe?

6. Can each of my personalities vote in t...

My blackbelt karate teacher has honed his skill of painting high ranking military officials for years

Now he is a master of marshal arts.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!

asked the Killer

Lily: M-My name is Lily..

Killer: Okay, you've the same name as my mom, I'll let you live. How about you ?!

Marshall: I'm Marshall but my friends call me Lily!

3 criminals are about to be executed by firing squad

The first one is told to get in front and the marshal count down. 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts TORNADO and points behind the soldiers. When the soldiers turn around the prisoner runs away.

The marshal isn’t pleased and orders the second prisoner to the line. He counts down 3! 2! 1! The priso...

Eminem needs to release an aftershave and shower gel gift set for Christmas

Eminessence and Marshal Lathers.

A group of mathematicians are at a team building seminar...

When during the night a fire breaks out in one of the mathematicians room's. He quickly tears pages out of his notebook lighting them on fire one by one. He then runs down the hall sliding sheets of burning paper under other mathematician's doors.

After the building burns to the ground the fi...

What does Eminem use when he fights?

Marshall Arts

Met my friend Jack in my flight today.

I said, "Hi Jack!"
Out of nowhere the air marshal tackled me.

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An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the a...

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

Warning: Dad joke for kids inside.

What do Skye, Chase, Marshall and Rubble use to power their vehicles?

Paw Petrol.

My friend makes paintings of Eminem combined with other famous rappers

He's a mixed Marshall artist.

What do you call karate kid with high-end guitar amp?

Marshall artist

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Zhokov's Response

-- Zhukov angrily exits Stalin's office. In the corridor, he swears:

Z: What a fucking cunt with a mustache!

-- NKVD's officer guarding the door noticed that and said:

NKVD: What did you say, comrade?

-- Zhukov said he had said nothing.

NKVD: Well, let's go back to...

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Stalin and Zhukov meeting.

A secretary is standing outside the Kremlin as Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin, and she hears him muttering under his breath, "Murderous moustache!". She runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, "I just heard Zhukov say 'Murderous moustache'!" Stalin dismisses the secretary and se...

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.

I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.

I got bruised and worse.

...

I hear that if you draw a really good portrait of Jason Segel you will instantly be proficient in Karate, Taekwondo, and Jiu Jitsu

I think it has something to do with becoming a master Marshall artist

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Horny sailors

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting drunk when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty horny. With all the jacking ...

A guy walks in to the Sheriffs office...

Guy: Hello sir, might I make an inquiry?

Sheriff: Certainly, citizen. What ailes you?

Guy: Would you be so kind as to let me paint you?

The guy points to a chair. The Sheriff looks puzzled as to this weird inquiry, but agrees and take a seat on the chair. The guy starts painting...

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A childhood story my teacher shared

My intercultural communication teacher told us this today. Thought I'd share.

When he was about 16, he and his friends got the bright idea of egging some military vehicle. Once the eggs flew and hit their mark, a few marines in training around their early 20s rushed from the vehicle and appre...

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WWII era Soviet joke

In the middle of Stalin's war council Marshall Zhukov storms out of the room, muttering "The moustached tyrant went utterly batshit" to himself. Head of NKVD Lavrentiy Beria hears him and immediately repeats what he heard to Stalin.

Stalin calls Zhukov back and asks who did he mean.

"...

In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...

An old man lay on his death bed upstairs when he caught a wiff

An old man lay dying in bed upstairs in his room when he thought he caught a wiff of his wife's chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air.

Man, he thought to himself, if I could have just one more of my wife's cookies I could die a happy man.

As he lay there thinking about the s...

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Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it.

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-re...

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