UPJOKE

Nobody Knows Jokes

Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knows about it...

"For he did not speak of his own Accord." - John 12:49

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

Nobody knows how a Wookiee taste.

Rumor has it that at least one is Chewie.

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.

While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerv...

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My friend died at an orgy the other day and nobody knows why.

It's a fucking mystery.

What do you call a hippo that nobody knows?

A hippononymous

Nobody knows what it’s like to be a custodian.

They just make sweeping generalizations.

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

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Joe Bamboozle knows everybody (long)

Ed and his friend Joe Bamboozle were walking along. They're passing by the signs for the big Taylor Swift concert.

Ed says that he would have loved to get a ticket to the show, but the very worst seat was way out of his price range.

Joe Bamboozle said "Oh, hey, no problem. I know Tay...

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

One day the wall between heaven and hell collapses

People from both sides went to the collapsed wall to see what happened. Apparently nobody knows what happened and both sides claim that it's not their fault hence they don't want to repair it. One guy said "Alright then we have to let the court decide who is gonna rebuild the wall" and everybody agr...

Why was 7 afraid of i?

Nobody knows for sure, but everyone agrees his fear is only imaginary

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The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.

Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose.

Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?"

She says she doesn't know.

He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!"

The teacher, surprised by th...

George Bush was visiting the queen of England...

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".

The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple questio...

How many French do you need to defend France?

Nobody knows, no one has tried.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Pianos did Liberace have?

Nobody knows for sure, but it's believed that he had Organs up the ass.

The truth about job promotions

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were screwed."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex in high school is like big data

Everybody talks about it but nobody knows what it is

Maybe we should start believing Donald Trump about election fraud

Because nobody knows more about fraud than donald trump.

Everyone knows what Sin City is

But nobody knows that Cincinnati is twice as bad

A cowboy on a long journey stops at a small town to wet his throat he ties his horse up outside the saloon and enters...

The town's folk eye him uneasily, but he makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender opens his beer and sets it down on the table. "I'd be careful if I was you. Town's folk don't take kindly to newcomers, they give em a hard time. And that's what you are is a newcomer."

"Is that...

Yoda has a brother called Will...

But he keeps introducing himself as William, and nobody knows why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medically, what happens to a man if he never masturbates?

Nobody knows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m an international man of mystery

I leave the nation and nobody knows who the fuck I am.

Update I guess I’m a national man of mystery too

What did the child with no hands get for his birthday?

Nobody knows yet.

Having a migraine is like calling tech support

Nobody knows how to fix my problem but everybody understands

What does 2020, YouTube’s algorithm, and Reddit’s karma calculator, have in common?

Nobody knows how it really works and is just hoping for the best.

They're serving mystery meat at the cafeteria in the physics lab again.

I've been asking what the main ingredient they put in their heisenburgers was, and nobody knows.

What do you get when you cross a cat and a scientist?

Nobody knows, we haven't opened the box yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While traveling in Ireland...

I stopped into an empty bar. The bartender brings me a pint and as I started to drink it he said, "You know I built this bar," he paused, "all by myself, but nobody knows me as Clint the entrepreneur. That beer you're drinking, I brewed it myself. But nobody knows me as Clint, the beer brewer." He p...

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.


But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.


And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl in art class

A little girl was in art class. The teacher walked up to her and asked: “What are you drawing?” The little girl replied “I’m drawing a picture of God.” “But nobody knows what God looks like!” The teacher said. “They will in a minute.” the girl replied

Reddit Gold is like a Plumbus

Everyone wants it but nobody knows wtf it does

I was peacefully making an unboxing video when suddenly everybody around started thrashing me.

Guess nobody knows the trend around here at the funeral.

The worst part about being really good at keeping secrets is that...

Nobody knows.

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