Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.

But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

My neigbours kid just said this after finding an owl decoration

What do you call a owl that is good at science,

Owlbert Einstein.

I told my wife that since we're broke, we need to decorate our tree with blue ball ornaments this year...

That's right.

Christmas isn't coming this year :(

I bought a book about decorating for Christmas.

just a little light reading.

I don't know why we put up those Halloween decorations at work.

We already have a skeleton crew.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

My neighbor knocked on my door and said it was too early to decorate my house for Halloween

Big talk from someone who wears her witch costume year-round.

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

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A nice christmas tree

A guy walks into a bar decorated for the Christmas holiday and orders a beer. "That's a beautiful Christmas tree you have over there. I hope you're not offended, but I've always found that Christmas trees are a lot like boobs," he tells the bartender. "When you see really nice ones you just have to ...

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

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What does the Pope and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are just for decoration

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John, Paul and Frank go to heaven

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

My Christmas tree wss very happy when I removed the decorations from it.

It was absolutely delighted.

I swear Christmas decorations go up earlier and earlier every year.

It's 364 days till Christmas and my neighbours already have theirs up!

Visiting Nan's for Halloween

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

How can you tell Halloween is just around the corner?

Stores start putting out their Christmas decorations.

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

What does Trump have in common with winter holiday decorations?

Both can fu k off in January.

What's going to be the scariest Halloween decoration this year?

Coffin

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Monkey business

In a secret lab, a bunch if scientists are working on modified human DNA. To find out if their experiments work, they infuse monkey cells with the modified DNA. After a few years of raising 3 modified monkeys they send each of them into a different apprenticeship for one year, to see if they are abl...

Why does the man decorate his house Christmas themed for Halloween?

To scare people who are claustrophobic

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips?

Pine-terist

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

A good Halloween decoration

If you need a good Halloween decoration, just put up a calendar. Cause nothing is as scary as 2020

Women love hunters

Top 10 most important men for women:-

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5...

I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

A man moved to New York from India and he opened a lunch counter where he served traditional Indian foods and sandwiches to go. He decorated it in Indian style to remind him of his home city and hired his friends and neighbors from the old country to work there.

You might say he was setting up a little Delhi.

What is decor?

Its de center of de apple...

What do you call the Christmas tree of a General?

Highly Decorated

The elves refused Santa’s orders to decorate the Christmas tree

They were written up for insubornamation

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

There’s this big controversy with horse owners over whether it’s “defiling a corpse” to put decorations in a horse’s mane after it passes away.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. They’re just beading a dead horse.

How does NASA decorate the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

With the starship enter-prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to brighten my neighborhood by decorating my boundary wall with dildos

My neighbour is livid but his wife is still on the fence

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I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'

'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

An old ladies dies and goes to heaven...

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees so...

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police offic...

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

Fewer people are decorating eggs these days ...

It’s a dyeing art.

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..

..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

Everyone likes decorating the Christmas tree, but taking it down confuses me...

It's really disornamenting

For Halloween, my vertically challenged friend dressed like a garden decoration, but made the whole costume out of denim.

He's the human jean gnome.

Was told this year I can’t put up my Halloween decoration..

Which is a shame I thought a sign saying “child molester” was really scary.

You go up to a mans house on Halloween to compliment his skeleton decorations

He says thanks those were my kids

I decorated my parking space the other day.

It changed a whole lot.

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

Christmas Decor

A woman asks her eccentric husband to provide some holiday decorations for their home. He eagerly heads out to town for decorations and returns several hours later. The wife returns from her errands to find something perplexing. In the corner stands a Christmas tree with only a few needles and on it...

How does a redditor get karma when they don't deserve it?

Piece of ca.....I'm just kidding they ask what's a flat earther's favorite Christmas decoration?

Their s'no globe.

A father was decorating the Christmas tree with his son. The boy says:

"Dad can't we use tinsel like everyone else? This is really uncomfortable."

Q: What is the scariest Halloween decoration theme for 2018?







A: Saudi Arabian consulate

I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case...

She said it’s a sham.

How does a highly decorated sniper retire his old trusty sniper rifle?

With an honorable discharge.

A decorator decided to kill himself by drinking tin of varnish.

It was horrible as he was dying, but it was a beautiful finish.

A man is tasked with setting out Christmas decorations on a submarine

He spends all night thinking about it, and eventually decides on a Christmas tree. He spends hours putting the tree up, adding tinsel, baubles, and finally the star on top. He takes a step back, and looks proudly at his work. But when he comes back to it later, he finds it torn down.

The next...

I named my Christmas decoration made of $100 dollar bills

Aretha Franklin

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A mom asks her kid to get Christmas decorations

A mom asks her kid to get Christmas decorations. She specifically wanted ornament balls to put up around the Christmas tree. The kid leaves the house and several hours pass but he hasn't returned yet.

After what seemed like an eternity, the kid comes back. The mom asks all flustered "What ha...

I can’t believe people’s Halloween decorations are still up...

Halloween is 364 days away, guys

For Palm Sunday Sister Agnes wanted to bring a lovely bouquet of anemones.

However, the sanctuary was already decorated with palm branches. The pastor said, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

Did you hear about the old couple that passed away decorating Easter eggs?

They dyed happily.

Why did the Dire Straights have so many Easter decorations?

They got their bunnies for nothing and their chicks for free.

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

What do you call the crazy people who are already putting up christmas decorations?

Orna-mental

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have ever...

Taking a nap

sorry for bad English

in the afternoon after having lunch ... The wife's taking a nap while her husband is siting on the chair reading his book. a moment later wife is awaken by the dream and reach him

wife: honey! i had a dream you got me a set of brand new diamond jewelry .... is i...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a business decorating turds.

It was pretty shit.

I think the scariest Halloween decorations I've seen this year have to be

All the little blue signs that say Trump-Pence on them

What does a racist decorate in their home for the holidays?

Their bigotry.

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree

They both walk a long time but couldn't find a good one. Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough. It's already getting pitch dark. It's already midnight and finally one of them suddenly says "ugh, let's just pick one without decorations"

' 911, what's your emergency '

'Heyy, I know its been a week since Halloween is over But I'm seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighbours tree is not a Decoration '

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night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

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