What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50 they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes, you see them and they make yo...

This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

Women love hunters

Top 10 most important men for women:-

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5...

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

My Christmas tree wss very happy when I removed the decorations from it.

It was absolutely delighted.

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

I swear Christmas decorations go up earlier and earlier every year.

It's 364 days till Christmas and my neighbours already have theirs up!

Why did the interior decorator only do crunches when she went to the gym?

Because she was obsessed with decor.

What does Trump have in common with winter holiday decorations?

Both can fu k off in January.

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

What's going to be the scariest Halloween decoration this year?

Coffin

What do you call the Christmas tree of a General?

Highly Decorated

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

Why does the man decorate his house Christmas themed for Halloween?

To scare people who are claustrophobic

Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips?

Pine-terist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

A good Halloween decoration

If you need a good Halloween decoration, just put up a calendar. Cause nothing is as scary as 2020

I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

As a photographer, I have decorated my wall with all the animals I have shot.

I keep them next to my framed contract with the butcher

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

An old ladies dies and goes to heaven...

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees so...

A man moved to New York from India and he opened a lunch counter where he served traditional Indian foods and sandwiches to go. He decorated it in Indian style to remind him of his home city and hired his friends and neighbors from the old country to work there.

You might say he was setting up a little Delhi.

Just heard there's a protest in London tomorrow by cake decorators

Just heard there's a protest in London tomorrow by cake decorators

Hundreds and thousands are expected to turn up

A man with a short temper and his friend goes to a nice restaurant

After they both order their food, a fish in one of the decorative fish tanks starts to argue with what the first man ordered. The man obviously gets upset at this and argues back

After about 25 minutes of arguing, the waiter comes in with an order of steak and sushi, and asks:

"Okay, w...

Asked Darth Maul where he got his face decorated.

On Tatooine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

The elves refused Santa’s orders to decorate the Christmas tree

They were written up for insubornamation

What do you call a group of western bars themed around urns into which you spit that are decorated with picture of Inklings?

A Splatoon spittoon saloon platoon

What is decor?

Its de center of de apple...

There’s this big controversy with horse owners over whether it’s “defiling a corpse” to put decorations in a horse’s mane after it passes away.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. They’re just beading a dead horse.

How does NASA decorate the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

With the starship enter-prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to brighten my neighborhood by decorating my boundary wall with dildos

My neighbour is livid but his wife is still on the fence

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

Fewer people are decorating eggs these days ...

It’s a dyeing art.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'

'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

How does a redditor get karma when they don't deserve it?

Piece of ca.....I'm just kidding they ask what's a flat earther's favorite Christmas decoration?

Their s'no globe.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..

..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police offic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Everyone likes decorating the Christmas tree, but taking it down confuses me...

It's really disornamenting

I decorated my parking space the other day.

It changed a whole lot.

For Palm Sunday Sister Agnes wanted to bring a lovely bouquet of anemones.

However, the sanctuary was already decorated with palm branches. The pastor said, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

Christmas Decor

A woman asks her eccentric husband to provide some holiday decorations for their home. He eagerly heads out to town for decorations and returns several hours later. The wife returns from her errands to find something perplexing. In the corner stands a Christmas tree with only a few needles and on it...

A father was decorating the Christmas tree with his son. The boy says:

"Dad can't we use tinsel like everyone else? This is really uncomfortable."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

Q: What is the scariest Halloween decoration theme for 2018?







A: Saudi Arabian consulate

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case...

She said it’s a sham.

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have ever...

A decorator decided to kill himself by drinking tin of varnish.

It was horrible as he was dying, but it was a beautiful finish.

How does a highly decorated sniper retire his old trusty sniper rifle?

With an honorable discharge.

Taking a nap

sorry for bad English

in the afternoon after having lunch ... The wife's taking a nap while her husband is siting on the chair reading his book. a moment later wife is awaken by the dream and reach him

wife: honey! i had a dream you got me a set of brand new diamond jewelry .... is i...

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

A man is tasked with setting out Christmas decorations on a submarine

He spends all night thinking about it, and eventually decides on a Christmas tree. He spends hours putting the tree up, adding tinsel, baubles, and finally the star on top. He takes a step back, and looks proudly at his work. But when he comes back to it later, he finds it torn down.

The next...

You CAN decorate your sofa with pictures of Death in a hooded cloak...

But there will be grim repercussions.

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

I named my Christmas decoration made of $100 dollar bills

Aretha Franklin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom asks her kid to get Christmas decorations

A mom asks her kid to get Christmas decorations. She specifically wanted ornament balls to put up around the Christmas tree. The kid leaves the house and several hours pass but he hasn't returned yet.

After what seemed like an eternity, the kid comes back. The mom asks all flustered "What ha...

I can’t believe people’s Halloween decorations are still up...

Halloween is 364 days away, guys

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree

They both walk a long time but couldn't find a good one. Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough. It's already getting pitch dark. It's already midnight and finally one of them suddenly says "ugh, let's just pick one without decorations"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

Did you hear about the old couple that passed away decorating Easter eggs?

They dyed happily.

Why did the Dire Straights have so many Easter decorations?

They got their bunnies for nothing and their chicks for free.

' 911, what's your emergency '

'Heyy, I know its been a week since Halloween is over But I'm seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighbours tree is not a Decoration '

What do you call the crazy people who are already putting up christmas decorations?

Orna-mental

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a business decorating turds.

It was pretty shit.

Why is Christmas a tree's worst nightmare?

They watch their friend's corpse get decorated.

Please enjoy my best ever Star Wars themed joke...

Irving was proud of his daughter Faith. She was the prettiest, smartest, most charming girl in all the Empire. And when Faith was asked to attend the Winter Gala by Conan Antonio, Irving was justifiably pleased, for Conan was a well-decorated and many-times-promoted military man of great respect....

I think the scariest Halloween decorations I've seen this year have to be

All the little blue signs that say Trump-Pence on them

One November night, a man suggests a Christmas movie when trying to choose something to watch with his wife.

"We can't watch that," says the wife. "We have to wait until December." The husband agrees to this, so they watch something else.

Several months later, in the middle of Summer, the wife sees something that reminds her of an event from her past. "Wanna hear something funny that happened when I...

Yesterday I went in for my yearly dental exam.

I had forgotten my dentist had retired last year so I was a little surprised to see a new dentist waiting for me who, come to find out, had just graduated from dental school in russia. After exchanging greetings I sat down and he began his exam. As he was working I casually looked over at his wall d...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

Santa’s Reindeer’s competition

In the days leading up until Christmas, all of Santa’s reindeer throw a party, with each reindeer throwing their own party on a different day. During the day before Christmas Eve, the elves, reindeer, and Claus’ would decide who threw the best party that year and there would be a prize.

The d...

A man lives in a largely democratic neighborhood

He starts hanging up a “Trump 2020” sign. All of his neighbors see it, and tear it down. He puts up a new one. They tear it down. After he puts a third “Trump 2020” sign up, his neighbors approach him.

“Why are you hanging up a Trump sign? We always though you liked Biden!”

“I do” repl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three soldiers come back home from a gruesome battle in Afganistan

The army tells them “You will be given the highest decorations, and you will also receive ANYTHING you wish for”

The first soldier says “ I want 2 Million dollars” and it’s done

The second one goes “Damn, these guys aren’t fucking around huh...I want 5 Million” and gets them

The...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.