My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother

until my mom took the urn from me.

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

The Kings Servant was walking towards the castle, when he saw a man lying on the side of the path.

The servant asked if the man was ok, and he replies:

"Oh, hi, I'm Will. Nice to meet you! Would you like to buy me?

"What, you mean like a servant?" says the King's servant.

"No, just to have me around"

The servant was lonely, as he had to work day and night for the king,...

What sound does an airplane make in a bouncy castle?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

the neurotic builds castles in the air, the psychotic lives in them,

and the psychiatrist collects the rent.

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Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?

She worked knights.

Donald Duck was walking trough Mario's castle

When He saw the princess He said:

Hi Daisy!

To wich She replied:

I'm Peach Donald.

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

Old magic lamp

A poor man in a pile of bottles? Found an old magic lamp

After he wiped it, a lamp slave ran out of it

Said to him: Thank you for letting me in the lamp for five hundred years,

Can come out and breathe, so I give you three wishes

The poor said: I first want to have a nati...

How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

my friend played poker at the castle

at some point, he had a sick hand

but he also had a sick stomach

he left the game to take a dump on a golden toilet

he did not fret

he smiled

for either way,

it was a royal flush

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Why did the guy who made Dragons Fucking Cars pick cars instead of castles?

They're impenetrable

I have a phobia of bouncy castles.

It always make me jump

Why did the castle keep swearing?

It had turrets.

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles.

One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs.



He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.”



The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, “See that castle o...

A knight and his men return to their castle...

...after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "...

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The Knight and the lady (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants try anything with her in his absence. Yet this ...

A man finds a magic lamp...

...so of course, as the deal goes, he gets his three wishes from the Genie inside the lamp.

"For my first wish, I want to be a prince", the man says.

The Genie nods. "Yes, yes. That can easily be arranged."

"For my second wish, I want to live in luxury, the most beautiful cas...

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

A knight and his footmen were holding a castle during a war.

One of the footmen guarding the gatehousse begins calling.

"SIRE, WE SEE A BATTALION IN THE DISTANCE"

The knight orders the men to defensive positions and rushes up the wall where the footman points at the indistinct and distant mass of men.

"What do you think? Friends or foe?" ...

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

Unfortunately, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

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Mickey wakes up on February 6th.

Looking out his castle window, he sees that it has snowed during the night. But as he looks down right under the window in huge yellow letters is the words " Mickey sucks dick." in the snow. So being offend he call the police, they take samples of the yellow snow and leave.

Two days later the...

My new pants feel like a cheaply made castle.

They have no ballroom.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

There once was a princess who lived alone with her cat in a castle.

Being her only companion, she loved the cat very much. Little did she know, the cat was actually a handsome prince that had be cursed to live his life as a feline.

Seeing how much the princess loved the cat, the witch that had cursed him turned him back into a handsome prince, so he could spe...

The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday

It was a huge loss

I took the kids to the beach

So yesterday I decided to take the kids to the beach. Well after a while the kids decided they wanted to build a sand castle. My oldest was the natural leader of the group and was directing the others where to put the towers and such. Well the oldest self assigns the task of digging the moat around ...

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle...

But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around...

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hey guys isn't a royal flush when you take a dump in a castle?

sorry for the shitty joke

A knight comes to the royal castle with a bag and asks for king's attention

He enters, and says "Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here's the head of the dragon!" and takes the head of the dragon out of the bag.

A royal advisor brings a bag to the king. The king replies "Well, then, I kept my word too. Here's the hand of the princess!"

Why do princesses who have been locked away in a castle become the most creative?

Because they're in-spired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bowser gets fed up of his life in a castle and gets a job at the US Government...

in his new job, he quickly rises up to be an influential figure. He uses his newfound powers to (definitely not corruptly) trap peach in a tax evasion scandal, which resulted from her hiding her income in bricks. While she was being held awaiting trial, Mario confronts Bowser in his office, determin...

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

What do frustrated English lords use to clean their castles?

Scotch Brite

A knight and a bunch of his men-at-arms were holding a castle.

Suddenly, one of the soldiers guarding the gate yells out:

-SIR, WE SEE A BATTALION IN THE DISTANCE!

The knight goes up the gatehouse and asks the soldier.

-So, what do you think? Friends or foes?

The soldier takes a look at the distant mass of men coming towards the cast...

My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

She told me that she’s going to slam my head into the keyboard the next time she catches me on this site.

I told her I’m the King of the Castle. I’m the man. I’m th mdjsinxnsks xnxn an . Kfizkn, xnxk’cj’O&:9m
&:&ndjchsnapn :!.kskn !&/9nmsosk/ raeqbsn

Did you hear about Dracula’s castle?

They revamped it.

Why didn’t the castle cut the grass

It was already moat.

I live in a bouncy castle.

The rent is high, but that’s just due to inflation.

What is the name of a medieval castle for stoners?

Fort Wenty

I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!




Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

To the person stealing my shoes while I`ve been in the inflatable castle

Grow up!

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are kidnapped by cannibals and taken to a large castle overlooking a forest

The cannibals first turn to the brunette. 'Go into the forest and pick ten of the same fruit or we'll eat you'

The brunette returns with ten apples.

'Now, you must shove each one up your arse without showing any emotion, or we'll eat you' say the cannibals.

The brunette gets h...

I want to live in a bouncy castle, but...

the price of inflation would be way too big

My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".

When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"

Prince Charles is Isolating at Balmoral

Prince's Charles is Isolating at Balmoral Castle with Covid-19

Prince Andrew is Isolating at Windsor with Jenny - 14

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

Classic rook-y mistake.

Why did Mario find Koopa after he kidnapped the Princess and moved his castle so quickly?

Because Koopa forgot to erase his Bowser History.

Did you hear about the guy who lives in a bouncy castle?

When interviewed about it, he said “the rent had become more expensive as of late... but it’s mostly due to inflation.”

Went to buy a bouncy castle today and it cost twice as much as last year

Guess that's inflation for you

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What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common?

Baristas

Three blokes come across a castle while wandering the woods..

They knock on the door and an older man answers

The first of the three men ask if there's any place they can spend the night, as it was getting dark out and night was coming soon.

The old man responded to the first man "yes, but I don't like you. You'll have to sleep with the cows." ...

How do princes and princesses rent castles?

Heirbnb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

Why is everyone infected with Dragonrot in Sekiro?

Because they are in A-china Castle.

A man's home is his castle!

...in a manor of speaking

Canadian castles...

They really aren't my fort-eh.

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

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Queen's Infidelities

A king is going to war and he knows his queen has overactive sexual needs... Furthermore, he is skeptical about the loyalty of his four servants.

To find out who will not have sex with the queen, he hides a blade inside the queen's vagina and goes to war.

Immediately after returning, h...

What happens when Mario parks his car outside the wrong castle?

He gets Toad

The subject of a painting

Outside the castle, in front of two deep, dangerous troughs of water filled with piranhas and barracudas, the royal coterie of lupine dog-men assembles on two long tables, facing the masses on the other side of the water. The wolf-king raises his glass and gives a piercing howl, to which the rest of...

Beer companies

3 CEOs from 3 beer companies, namely Budweiser, Castle and Heineken, are attending a conference where each of them has to give a speech. Before they start all 3 are sitting in the waiting area and an attendant comes and asks them what they would like to drink while they are on stage.

The CEO ...

Three vampires are sleeping in a crypt.

One of them wakes up and flies away.

When he comes back, blood is dripping from his teeth.

"Guys, see that house? I sucked out the people who lived there!"



After a while, the second vampire leaves the crypt.

When he comes back, his entire head is covered in blood....

I design castles. AMA!

For this AMA, I'd like to focus on rampart.

What do you call a chess blunder where you lose your castle?

A Rook-ey mistake.

The prince, after a long and arduous battle, slew the dragon. He then ascends the mountain to an ominous castle holding the damsel. The prince makes his way to her room to rescue her. He enters and asks

What's your wifi password?

Why is it dark in Skeletor's castle?

Because He-Man has the power.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

A prince makes his way to a castle where he hopes to find the sleeping beauty...

...he indeed finds her, still asleep, but to his surprise there are already 3 other princes in her chamber apparently taking turns in banging her. He asks what is going on, to which one of them replies "You can join right in, but make sure not to kiss her!"

What do you call a security guard in a jumping castle?

A Bouncer

Working at the circus

I used to work for a circus. The life was rough but we had some really good and talented acts. We had clowns, jugglers, contortionists, tight rope walkers and even a fire breather. Our boss was a real prick. She made us wear uncomfortable uniforms they didn’t really fit. The pants worked similarly t...

Change in women's requirements towards men by years.

10 years - prince with a castle

15 years - a rock star

20 years - beautiful, smart and rich boy

25 years - a smart and rich man

30 years - a man that cooks and cleans

35 years - a man

40 years - a cat

45 years - two cats

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

[long]This is a joke from my country

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom, there was a young princess who never left the castle and had no knowlage about the outside world. The king being worried that the princess might never learn about the life outside the castle, asked his court jester 'Anderee' to take the princess out to the cou...

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

How did Jack know exactly where to find the goose in the giant's castle?

He had *bean stalking* her.

The mad old King

Once upon a time there was a King who was quite mad, through and through.
So mad in fact, that he would kill every daughter his wife bore as he only wanted sons.
He lived in a huge castle right next to the sea.

The kingdom that this King ruled over stretched far and wide. All the good...

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Bancroft was an unimpressive man

he had no viable skills or accomplishments. He has always dreamed of joining the king’s army and becoming a knight but was always rejected as he was too short. He would often complain to his friend, Alcott, about his height. He would repeatedly say, “If only I was taller, I would be able to be a kni...

Three townsfolk were sentenced to death by guillotine.

The King must witness every execution.

First up was the town’s Priest. Sentenced for baptizing the newborn babies a bit too long. Executioner puts the bag over his head, priest kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.

The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half...

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I used her as bait to lure an Italian plumber into my castle

The person who took my sneakers while I was on the jumpy castle at McDonald's

Please grow up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen gets a new kitten.

One day, the kitten simply disappears and the Queen can't find it anywhere. Hearing some faint scratching sounds in a hole in the castle wall, the King orders the hole widened. But, the wall cracks and comes crashing down. Luckily, the noise got the kitten to appear safely from a different hiding sp...

A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".

So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begg...

What’s big, gray, and can’t float?

A castle

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie...

...making it the first black entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a white entity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

Why does Burger King exist?

So that he and Dairy Queen can live in the White Castle.

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

Ye old merry jokes

There are 3 milk bottles outside of a castle. 2 are full, 1 is half full. What's the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd.

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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

A German meets a fairy who is stuck in thorns

It said: Can you help me?
The German answered: What do I get?
The fairy said: You will have a wish fulfilled!
So the German helps her and wished to be a prince who lives in a great castle with an beautiful princess. Then he falls asleep.
When he wakes up, a beautiful princess is looking ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think we all know King Arthurs knights

But, there were also others, who choose to stay in the background, but played a huge part.

First, and formost, the guy who made the round table. Sir Confarence

On second place, there was a knight, who sadly lost his life before he was publicly dubbed, saving king Arthur in a surprise r...

[Long] Since you guys liked the last one, here's another joke from my country

In a far away kingdom, the king got married to a beautiful wife. After being married to her for a year, the king started to worry that his beautiful wife might be sleeping around.

So he got a blacksmith to build a device to fit in her ladyparts which will dice anything that goes in. He manag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a Scottish man named MacGregor. One day, MacGregor was talking to a young boy about legacies. This is what MacGregor said:

Now young man, make sure you leave a good legacy and don't make mistakes like I did.

You see that moat over there? I built that moat with my own two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the moat builder? No, they don't.

You see that bridge over the moat? I built that bridge with my ow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I have a thing of finding funny alternative names to movie titles.. Of which are:

Womb Raider

Frying Nemo

Howl's Moaning Castle

Thosebastards

Glad I ate her

The Rare Bi*ch Project

Se8en

Nail Cesar

Sure Lock Homes

A Booty full Mind

Rub a cop

Hairy Potter and the Sorcerer's stoned

Any additions are ...

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