How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles.

One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs.

​

He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.”

​

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He ...

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday

It was a huge loss

Why do princesses who have been locked away in a castle become the most creative?

Because they're in-spired.

What do frustrated English lords use to clean their castles?

Scotch Brite

A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.

The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question.

​

"I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?"

​

The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been he...

Did you hear about Dracula’s castle?

They revamped it.

A knight and a bunch of his men-at-arms were holding a castle.

Suddenly, one of the soldiers guarding the gate yells out:

-SIR, WE SEE A BATTALION IN THE DISTANCE!

The knight goes up the gatehouse and asks the soldier.

-So, what do you think? Friends or foes?

The soldier takes a look at the distant mass of men coming towards the cast...

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

I live in a bouncy castle.

The rent is high, but that’s just due to inflation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

hey guys isn't a royal flush when you take a dump in a castle?

sorry for the shitty joke

What is the name of a medieval castle for stoners?

Fort Wenty

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bowser gets fed up of his life in a castle and gets a job at the US Government...

in his new job, he quickly rises up to be an influential figure. He uses his newfound powers to (definitely not corruptly) trap peach in a tax evasion scandal, which resulted from her hiding her income in bricks. While she was being held awaiting trial, Mario confronts Bowser in his office, determin...

[long]This is a joke from my country

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom, there was a young princess who never left the castle and had no knowlage about the outside world. The king being worried that the princess might never learn about the life outside the castle, asked his court jester 'Anderee' to take the princess out to the cou...

A knight and his men return to their castle...

...after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "...

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle...

But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around...

To the person stealing my shoes while I`ve been in the inflatable castle

Grow up!

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I used her as bait to lure an Italian plumber into my castle

A knight comes to the royal castle with a bag and asks for king's attention

He enters, and says "Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here's the head of the dragon!" and takes the head of the dragon out of the bag.

A royal advisor brings a bag to the king. The king replies "Well, then, I kept my word too. Here's the hand of the princess!"

I want to live in a bouncy castle, but...

the price of inflation would be way too big

I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!




Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

Haunted castle

A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.

"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."

"No need to worry," said th...

Did you hear about the guy who lives in a bouncy castle?

When interviewed about it, he said “the rent had become more expensive as of late... but it’s mostly due to inflation.”

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".

When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"

How do princes and princesses rent castles?

Heirbnb.

Went to buy a bouncy castle today and it cost twice as much as last year

Guess that's inflation for you

Three blokes come across a castle while wandering the woods..

They knock on the door and an older man answers

The first of the three men ask if there's any place they can spend the night, as it was getting dark out and night was coming soon.

The old man responded to the first man "yes, but I don't like you. You'll have to sleep with the cows." ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common?

Baristas

A king and his men were raiding a castle

After defeating the main force at the gates, they moved on throughout the castle taking out the remaining forces. Soon they came to a locked door in the corner of the castle. The king yelled in "Who's in there?". A voice replied, " I am just my master's unarmed Chef!" The king told him, " If you com...

A man's home is his castle!

...in a manor of speaking

A German meets a fairy who is stuck in thorns

It said: Can you help me?
The German answered: What do I get?
The fairy said: You will have a wish fulfilled!
So the German helps her and wished to be a prince who lives in a great castle with an beautiful princess. Then he falls asleep.
When he wakes up, a beautiful princess is looking ...

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

Classic rook-y mistake.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are kidnapped by cannibals and taken to a large castle overlooking a forest

The cannibals first turn to the brunette. 'Go into the forest and pick ten of the same fruit or we'll eat you'

The brunette returns with ten apples.

'Now, you must shove each one up your arse without showing any emotion, or we'll eat you' say the cannibals.

The brunette gets h...

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

Canadian castles...

They really aren't my fort-eh.

What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?

Norman Rock Wells.

What happens when Mario parks his car outside the wrong castle?

He gets Toad

I design castles. AMA!

For this AMA, I'd like to focus on rampart.

What do you call a chess blunder where you lose your castle?

A Rook-ey mistake.

How long does it take to build a castle?

A Fortnight

The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie...

...making it the first black entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a white entity.

The prince, after a long and arduous battle, slew the dragon. He then ascends the mountain to an ominous castle holding the damsel. The prince makes his way to her room to rescue her. He enters and asks

What's your wifi password?

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

Why is it dark in Skeletor's castle?

Because He-Man has the power.

A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".

So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begg...

How did Jack know exactly where to find the goose in the giant's castle?

He had *bean stalking* her.

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

Young King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

The person who took my sneakers while I was on the jumpy castle at McDonald's

Please grow up.

What do you do after you make a rough castle on the beach?

You sand it!

Change in women's requirements towards men by years.

10 years - prince with a castle

15 years - a rock star

20 years - beautiful, smart and rich boy

25 years - a smart and rich man

30 years - a man that cooks and cleans

35 years - a man

40 years - a cat

45 years - two cats

What do you call a security guard in a jumping castle?

A Bouncer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think we all know King Arthurs knights

But, there were also others, who choose to stay in the background, but played a huge part.

First, and formost, the guy who made the round table. Sir Confarence

On second place, there was a knight, who sadly lost his life before he was publicly dubbed, saving king Arthur in a surprise r...

Ye old merry jokes

There are 3 milk bottles outside of a castle. 2 are full, 1 is half full. What's the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd.

What’s big, gray, and can’t float?

A castle

A Russian Christmas joke...

There once was vicious Russian Czar named Rudolph the Red. On a cold winter day, he looked out his castle window and remarked to his wife, "I do believe it's raining." His wife replied, "Rudolph, It's far too cold for rain, it must be sleet or snow."

He yelled back angrily, "Impossible! Rudo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

The kingdom of the ogre.

Once upon a time, an evil ogre ruled over the land of the Trids. Most of the time he left his subjects alone, and even managed the kingdom quite well, and times were prosperous. But once a week, he would come down from his hilltop castle and spend an hour *kicking* every Trid he saw. Doesn’t matt...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was a Scottish man named MacGregor. One day, MacGregor was talking to a young boy about legacies. This is what MacGregor said:

Now young man, make sure you leave a good legacy and don't make mistakes like I did.

You see that moat over there? I built that moat with my own two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the moat builder? No, they don't.

You see that bridge over the moat? I built that bridge with my ow...

[At a party]

Dad: " this bouncy castle is twice the price of last year "

Kid: " dad no "

Dad: " that's.. "

Kid: " please no dad "

Dad: " ..inflation for you "

* kids start crying *

A joke I made in class

A king is at his throne with a bottle. He opens the bottle then quickly closes it and heads out of the castle. He searches for a museum and travels far and wide until he sees one.

He approaches the museum director and says

King: I’ve got something you should put in this museum
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ethiopian and French ministers of transport

The Ethiopian minister of transport visits the French minister of transport for a diplomatic and trade mission. The French minister invites the African diplomat to his house for a formal dinner and the African minister is astonished to see how big his homologue’s house is. He asks him:
“You are ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a great and glorious nation.

“Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a great and glorious nation. Favourite amongst his subjects was the court painter of whom he was very proud. Everybody agreed this wizzened old man pianted the greatest pictures in the whole kingdom and the king would spend hours each day gazing at them ...

King Arthur must depart to the battlefield.

He requests that the Knights of the Round Table remained within the castle walls in order to protect its citizens should an attack arise. Skeptical of his Queen's loyalty, and the men's self-control, the King asks Merlin to cast a spell on her.

*Should anyone lie with this woman in bed,
th...

(Long) Queen Guinevere is going for a late night carriage ride...

... when suddenly bandits attack her carriage. As King Arthur is not here, they kill the driver, kick her out and make off with the carriage itself. In her frustration she exclaims, "Oh, what a night!"


Seeing as there's nothing else to do, she begins to walk towards the castle. However, o...

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

What is grey, has wings and is a terrible swimmer?

A castle.

A tourist is travelling down the Rhine

He books himself into an old castle that has been converted into a hotel. Once he enters, he has the creepiest feeling come over him. He asked the lady a reception if they have ghosts in the hotel. She laughs and says, " I have been here for 300 years and never seen one"

A King is being admired by his people...

They bring him food, bathe him, protect his castle, and all he has to do is shake a paw every once and a while..

[Long] Since you guys liked the last one, here's another joke from my country

In a far away kingdom, the king got married to a beautiful wife. After being married to her for a year, the king started to worry that his beautiful wife might be sleeping around.

So he got a blacksmith to build a device to fit in her ladyparts which will dice anything that goes in. He manag...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four Guys Are at a High School Reunion

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three fathers are talking about their sons.

The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini".

The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht".

The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Off to the Crusades! (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants sleep with his wife in his absence. Yet this is...

Engineer goes to Hell...

The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell.

Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have ...

1008 AD - A tall knight is summoned by his lord...

On the way to the lord's castle, the knight, one Sir Richard of River's Bank is surprised to see that the fields are empty, and the serfs are nowhere in sight. When he arrives, he asks his lord if the summons has anything to do with the absence of the workers in the field, and his lord replies that...

The dragon and the dwarf.

Sir Robin the brave set out to rescue the beautiful princess from the terrible dragon who had kidnapped her. He first went to the wizard who enchanted his armor to protect him from the dragon’s scorching flames. He then went to the blacksmith, who gave him a mighty sword with which to slay the foul ...

There are three kingdoms, one on each side of a roughly triangular lake...

One of the kingdoms is marvelous, almost every house build lavishly, the royal castle made of gold, protected by an army of shining, masterful knights. This gold kingdom is the most wealthy of the three.

One of the kingdoms is modestly wealthy, each house built to last and the castle a beauti...

Mike Anderson was in the hospital...

He knows that his end is imminent, so he gathers his family:

His wife, his daughter and both of his sons.
He also asks for a nurse, two witnesses and his last will to be recorded.

 


Then he starts speaking:
"Brian, my oldest son, I want you to get castle ave...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Magic Dildo

They say that love knows no bounds. In the case of Donkey and the Dragon, this is true. However, even though the two loved each other, Donkey quickly realized that the differences in their sizes meant that he couldn't please the Dragon with his little Pinocchio.

Wanting the best for his loved...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.....

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how
successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich
he gave his best friend a ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so
rich he g...

A joke for Halloween

A group of tourist is visiting the remnants of an ancient castle. One lady sais to their guide:

-I'm afraid. I think there might be ghosts here!

-Don't worry. I'm living here for 300 years but I've never seen any ghosts.

So my girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess.

So I put her in a castle and sent some Italian plummer to find her.

I don't get all these themed weddings you see now a days

My wife and I have just been invited to a Game of thrones themed wedding. Where the hell do I find 'formal chain mail'? And do you know how expensive it is staying in a castle!
My friend keeps telling me how much fun it's going to be. Think about what it's going to be like when everyone is dres...

A man with an orange for a head is drinking in a bar...

another man walks up to him and says "Excuse me mate, I just wondered how come you've got an orange for a head?"

The man with an orange for a head says "We'll, it's quite a story, if you buy me a pint, I'll tell you."

So the man buys 2 pints and they settle down at the bar. "A few year...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

LONG NSFW Man driving back to his trailer from work...

and all of the sudden from nowhere a huge rock appears in the middle of the road. He barely avoids it and parks his car aside to take his stress out... Walks to the rock full of anger and kicks it...in that same moment he kicked it, rock starts moving and transform into a huge disgusting frog. Man w...

So, here's a story...

Once upon a time, there was a king.

The king ruled over a small kingdom he had inherited from his father.
The king was not a particularly bad ruler, considering.
However, one of the dukedoms his late father had conquered, started to plot against him, in order to liberate themselves from...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The king of england had a beautiful wife..

The king of England had a beautiful wife who he loved, but the king was needed to command his armies in a far away land. The king knew that he would be gone for months and did not trust any of the men around not to have sex with his wife. The king ordered Tybalt to meet with him.

"Tybalt, you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man is on his deathbed...

He tells the Priest that his firstborn son can have the part of the city near the castle, his second son can now have the east part of the city near the Stables, and his third son to have the northern part of the city closest to the Shops. The old man shortly passed away after and the priest tells t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The king of a very rich kingdom wants his daughter to get married...

...but she is a very particular girl and only wants to marry the most courageous man in the kingdom.

Wanting to see his daughter happy the king sets up a test that any man in the kingdom could come and try to beat: The Pit of Doom. A huge square pit is dug right outside the palace and filled ...

They say I have an inflated Ego.

I don’t know what they mean. Got an inflatable castle for my kids,
and I guess they're just envious that I'm such a great father.

What is the rain's favorite medieval reenactment?

Storming a castle.

I made this joke!

One day the king feels the urge to examine his castle dungeons and ensure everything is running smoothly. His examination is going well when he runs across the guy operating the rack. After a bit of conversation the king asks how the rack operator's job is going to which he replies "well, it's just ...

King Arthur

King Arthur is heading off to war, but he’s a bit worried about Guinevere alone in the castle with some rowdy knights. So he goes to Merlin who shows him a chastity belt. The problem is it has a large hole in the most important spot. “This won’t work,” he says. Just then Merlin takes a stick and...

The moral of the story...

A rich, eccentric man wanted to invest his money, and keep it safe.

He decided to invest in antique furniture, but not just any furniture. He would buy the best and fanciest chairs that could be found only in the finest castles of the world.

He wanted to be sure his collection...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

REAL MEN

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are kings in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? Do you rule your roost?"

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife save thousands of dollars for their dream golfing trip abroad...

A man and his wife and save thousands of dollars, pack their bags and go on their dream golfing trip abroad.

The golf course is a thing of beauty, perfect greens, giant sculptures, huge sparkling blue lakes, the finest sand pits, and amazing views. The rich of the world all have mansions and ...