The Bat Bet

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat returns with blood around his m...

Homes are so expensive in my area I had to move into my friend's bouncy castle.

The rent's pretty expensive, but it's mostly due to inflation.

My friend was kicked out of the local bar for shouting “Small tower ! Small tower on a Castle wall !!”

It is not his fault his has Turrets.

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The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

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If Wallsend was named because the Roman wall ended there and Newcastle because a castle was built there!

How did Cockermouth get its name?

A boss and his two workers had a genie appear before them...

The genie in his traditional style offered three wishes to them, so they decided to split the three wishes amongst them. The first worker said:

"I wish for a party yacht with hundreds of beautiful girls crawling all over me."

Poof, and he was gone. Seeing this, the second worker eagerl...

Spending time with grandpa got me in trouble.

Well. Today was a nice day until it wasnt.

I got up early and went out to spend some time with my grandfather. I had the greatest idea ever actually! So anyway I stink at writing details so I will get to the point. I was making sand castles with my grandpa and got kicked out by everyone at t...

The Kings Servant was walking towards the castle, when he saw a man lying on the side of the path.

The servant asked if the man was ok, and he replies:

"Oh, hi, I'm Will. Nice to meet you! Would you like to buy me?

"What, you mean like a servant?" says the King's servant.

"No, just to have me around"

The servant was lonely, as he had to work day and night for the king,...

My fondest Childhood memory was making Sand Castles with Grandma.

Until my mother hid the Urn.

I used to love making sand castles with my grandfather

But then my mom took his urn away

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Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?

She worked knights.

I once had an uncle who fell off the roof of a castle.

He didn’t die, though. He got de-moat-ed.

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?

"Have you bean stalking me?"

Why couldn’t Jack, from Jack and the Beanstalk, go up to the castle in the sky anymore?

He’s already bean there

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

Excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle

I’ve just been reading an excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle linked to a medieval siege. One of the burials was, from the skeletal analysis, a high status individual, but with the strange feature of having a skull embedded in the torso, this being of a lower status person. A careful rea...

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3 friends go to a castle

When they arrive the landlord tells them to be cautious because there is a ghost living there. They don't think too much of it and they enter. That night one of the guys needs to go to the bathroom. The other are joking about him being scared of the ghost. The guy leaves to the bathroom and then he ...

A joke I made up

There once lived an unmarried, flamboyant, lustful king who chased women and slept with everyone in his court. The day came for him to be married, and he went to see a local lord who was rumored to have two beautiful daughters. The king went to  meet the lord and his two beautiful daughters. After l...

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

What was the name of King Arthur's faithful sidekick who would go through the castle in the evening reading stories and tucking everyone else into bed?

Knighty Knight

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

"Think before you jump," I said, my palms sweating. "It might not be the right decision..."

"You take bouncy castles too seriously," my son replied.

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

Sand Castle with Grandma

Today, I made sand castles with my grandma, but for some reason, everybody freaked out and called the cops on me.



Next time, I'll do it away from the cremation center.

I was going to open a business renting out blow up bouncy castles...

I was going to open a business renting out blow up bouncy castles, but I've heard that the IRS doesn't like it when you inflate your assets.

An 80 year old man went to buy some clothes. He tried some modern tight dresses and when asked for a feedback, he told "These are like cheaply made castles."

No ball room

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My take on an old joke

A man walks into a castle to speak to the King.

"I wish to join your court, my liege." said the man

To which the king responded:

"You may join, but only if you complete these three tasks I give you."

The man, eager to join the court, carefully listens to the king's instru...

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel.

Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail.

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The Royal Newspaper

The King and Queen decided to get pets, so the King issued a decree: "Handsome reward for finest Royal pets."

The Queen immediately falls in love with a white, long haired kitten, bred in a faraway land. After payment, the kitten disappears and the distraught Queen sends the entire staff to l...

What sound does an airplane make in a bouncy castle?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

What kind if cheese gos around a castle?

Moatzzarella!

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An Irish Tale

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've poor ol' mother through? A...

How is a bouncy castle and an unvaxxed kid alike

Both stop being fun when a nail touches them

Donald Duck was walking trough Mario's castle

When He saw the princess He said:

Hi Daisy!

To wich She replied:

I'm Peach Donald.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

A long time ago, the king of a small castle, King Joe, went missing.

The queen sent the guards looking for him in the nearby villages, but they could not find the king. They searched far and wide, traveling for many days until they happened upon a small town. They asked the local townspeople if they had seen King Joe. "Ah yes" , exclaimed a farmer, and directed them...

What is the difference between a daydreamer, a psychopath and a psychiatrist?

The daydreamer builds a Castle in his mind, the psychopath lives in it and the psychologist collects the rent

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Why did the guy who made Dragons Fucking Cars pick cars instead of castles?

They're impenetrable

Frank Castle was framed for the murder of wife and kids. Supposedly he killed them with terrible dad jokes.....

That's why he's called the Pun-isher

Why did the castle keep swearing?

It had turrets.

I have a phobia of bouncy castles.

It always make me jump

The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday

It was a huge loss

my friend played poker at the castle

at some point, he had a sick hand

but he also had a sick stomach

he left the game to take a dump on a golden toilet

he did not fret

he smiled

for either way,

it was a royal flush

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle...

But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around...

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

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hey guys isn't a royal flush when you take a dump in a castle?

sorry for the shitty joke

I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!




Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".

When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"

What is the name of a medieval castle for stoners?

Fort Wenty

A knight and his men return to their castle...

...after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "...

A knight and his footmen were holding a castle during a war.

One of the footmen guarding the gatehousse begins calling.

"SIRE, WE SEE A BATTALION IN THE DISTANCE"

The knight orders the men to defensive positions and rushes up the wall where the footman points at the indistinct and distant mass of men.

"What do you think? Friends or foe?" ...

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

There once was a princess who lived alone with her cat in a castle.

Being her only companion, she loved the cat very much. Little did she know, the cat was actually a handsome prince that had be cursed to live his life as a feline.

Seeing how much the princess loved the cat, the witch that had cursed him turned him back into a handsome prince, so he could spe...

The Thane Of Cawdor’s (Scottish equiv. Of Earl) castle is protected by high stone walls. The weak point is the old wooden drawbridge, which is showing the first small signs of rot in some areas.

The smartest men in the castle assemble to advise the king, but all of their solutions involve paying for a brand new drawbridge, which the Scottish Thane is not a fan of.

“Oh, the cost!” He cried, “isn’t there anyone in the kingdom who has a better, cheaper idea for protecting the wood of ...

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

Classic rook-y mistake.

Did you hear about Dracula’s castle?

They revamped it.

Why didn’t the castle cut the grass

It was already moat.

A knight and a bunch of his men-at-arms were holding a castle.

Suddenly, one of the soldiers guarding the gate yells out:

-SIR, WE SEE A BATTALION IN THE DISTANCE!

The knight goes up the gatehouse and asks the soldier.

-So, what do you think? Friends or foes?

The soldier takes a look at the distant mass of men coming towards the cast...

I want to live in a bouncy castle, but...

the price of inflation would be way too big

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

Unfortunately, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

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A woman visits her mother and tell her she's divorcing her husband.

The mother replies:

But why? Your husband is super kind, good looking and is a millionaire. You're living in a castle, you're driving a rolls royce, you even have butlers!

Yes mother, but he is obsessed with anal sex. Everyday ha wants to put it in my ass.

Before i met him my as...

How do princes and princesses rent castles?

Heirbnb.

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

To the person stealing my shoes while I`ve been in the inflatable castle

Grow up!

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?

They prefer Wight Castle.

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What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common?

Baristas

Went to buy a bouncy castle today and it cost twice as much as last year

Guess that's inflation for you

My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

She told me that she’s going to slam my head into the keyboard the next time she catches me on this site.

I told her I’m the King of the Castle. I’m the man. I’m th mdjsinxnsks xnxn an . Kfizkn, xnxk’cj’O&:9m
&:&ndjchsnapn :!.kskn !&/9nmsosk/ raeqbsn

I just found out that Beyonce's father was Roy Castle

Can't see her taking his name, though.

Three blokes come across a castle while wandering the woods..

They knock on the door and an older man answers

The first of the three men ask if there's any place they can spend the night, as it was getting dark out and night was coming soon.

The old man responded to the first man "yes, but I don't like you. You'll have to sleep with the cows." ...

My friends went to Transylvania to see if vampires really exist

That's ridiculous. I've lived there in a castle for 700 years and I've never seen one.

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

A man's home is his castle!

...in a manor of speaking

The prince, after a long and arduous battle, slew the dragon. He then ascends the mountain to an ominous castle holding the damsel. The prince makes his way to her room to rescue her. He enters and asks

What's your wifi password?

What happens when Mario parks his car outside the wrong castle?

He gets Toad

What do you call a chess blunder where you lose your castle?

A Rook-ey mistake.

I design castles. AMA!

For this AMA, I'd like to focus on rampart.

Why is it dark in Skeletor's castle?

Because He-Man has the power.

What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?

Norman Rock Wells.

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A prince is riding through the woods on his horse.

Suddenly he hears someone screaming for help near the path. He immediately jumps off his horse and hurries in the direction from which the screams seemed to come. Behind a bush he discovers a dwarf trapped under a small tree.

"Help! Please help me, I'm stuck here," the dwarf screams in pain....

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

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At the asylum

A Dr. Is doing the rounds in an insane asylum one night.

He walks into the first patient's room and sees him playing with modeling clay.
The Dr. asks him how he's doing.
The patient replies "Doc I'm molding with clay. It's therapy. I feel much better!"
The Dr. says "Good. You should...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

A prince makes his way to a castle where he hopes to find the sleeping beauty...

...he indeed finds her, still asleep, but to his surprise there are already 3 other princes in her chamber apparently taking turns in banging her. He asks what is going on, to which one of them replies "You can join right in, but make sure not to kiss her!"

What do you call a security guard in a jumping castle?

A Bouncer

How did Jack know exactly where to find the goose in the giant's castle?

He had *bean stalking* her.

There were once three square kingdoms on different sides of a triangular river.

One night, the king of the first kingdom invited all the people of all three kingdoms over to the castle to celebrate his daughter’s 18th birthday. All the people of the kingdoms were enjoying themselves, until an argument between the three kings broke out between whose daughter was the most beautif...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

[long]This is a joke from my country

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom, there was a young princess who never left the castle and had no knowlage about the outside world. The king being worried that the princess might never learn about the life outside the castle, asked his court jester 'Anderee' to take the princess out to the cou...

A joke I heard when I was a boy

It’s my Cake Day, so go easy on me if you’ve heard some rendition of this...

The king was leaving to go off to war and had a special chastity belt made for the queen. If a man tried to enter the queen while he was away, the belt would automatically cut off his member.

The king came bac...

The person who took my sneakers while I was on the jumpy castle at McDonald's

Please grow up.

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The Knight and the lady (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants try anything with her in his absence. Yet this ...

What do you do after you make a rough castle on the beach?

You sand it!

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

A man finds a magic lamp...

...so of course, as the deal goes, he gets his three wishes from the Genie inside the lamp.

"For my first wish, I want to be a prince", the man says.

The Genie nods. "Yes, yes. That can easily be arranged."

"For my second wish, I want to live in luxury, the most beautiful cas...

A vampire comes home, covered in blood

"Hey, awesome, where've you been?"

"Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I didn't"

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