UPJOKE
nixonjohnsonjfkjack kennedyreagangeorgeedwardswilsonclintoncharlesrobertsthompsonhowardfranklinlincoln

Kennedy Jokes

Everyone knows how Kennedy died

That ones a no brainer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

A lot of people say John F. Kennedy was goal-focused and determined...

But, by the end of his presidency, his mind was all over the place.

Good thing Kennedy was in Berlin when he made his famous speech,

instead of Hamburg.

What do John F Kennedy and Bill Clinton have in common?

Both of their political careers ended with a stained dress.

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon...

History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Robert Kennedy break his arm?

He was helping Jack off a horse.

John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you...

...cause you won't like the answer!"

John F Kennedy was just "John Kennedy" From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963

They only added the F after he died

Jimmy Kennedy, creator of the Hokey Pokey, died today at the age of 94.

It was a difficult burial. They put his right arm in...

Robert Kennedy Junior is running to become US President, and I think Americans should give him a shot.

And a couple of boosters, just to be sure.

I told my friend Kennedy was killed by a sniper bullet

He told me "Nah, not by a long shot"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

20 years into the future, NASA has a program for the public to travel to all planets. NASA has a Kennedy Space Center Ticket kiosk, run by Neil deGrasse. A man walks up with $200 "One ticket to soar around Uranus." Neil: "Here you go, you must take the proper precautions,the journey is rough."

"You have to pass through a black hole to get there."

Why was Ted Kennedy called the "Lion of the Senate"?

Because he mated at will and killed without remorse.

Terminator movie, Kennedy family and anabolic steroid walked into a bar

They were arguing loudly. The bartender said: "Please keep it down. What you are arguing about?"

"We have a little disagreement about who of us made Arnold Schwarzenegger big."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
...

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News story reminds me of old JFK "golden toilet" joke

Read in the news that thieves had been charged with stealing a $6 million gold toilet and it reminded me of this "classic."

For some reason one of the characters in this joke when it was told to me was JFK. The accent maybe made it more humorous.

JFK is on a talk show telling the story...

What would have happened had it been Khrushchev instead of Kennedy that was assassinated?

Dunno about politics, but I'm really sure Onassis would not have married the widow.

Did you know John F Kennedy was called John Kennedy before he was shot?

Apparently, the F was added later to pay respects

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before ...

Why were Lincoln and Kennedy such good presidents?

They were open-minded

What do you get when you cross Ted Kennedy with Harry Potter?

Chappaquidditch

Why was John F. Kennedy secretly a more successful actor than Ronald Reagan?

He always knew how to take the perfect headshot.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Republican whose wife is a member of the Kennedy family.

That makes him and his family...The Red Kennedys.

How can we be sure the government wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?

Well he's dead, isn't he?




(Adapted from Neil Gaiman's *American Gods*)

Kennedy's USSR joke

A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot".
The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison.
3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport....

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful fligh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Kennedy on the half dollar?

Because he’s missing half of his fucking head

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and Jack Kennedy were on a sinking boat

"Keep calm and save the women and children first!", Jimmy Carter exclaimed.
"We're former presidents, fuck the women and children!", Nixon replied.
Robert Kennedy looked around at the madness and replied,
"I don't think we have time!"

A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.

A doctor came to greet him.

"Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked.

"I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied.

"Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital."

"I'm not a president. I'm an airport....

Politicians always lie...

Didn't John F. Kennedy promise to serve a full term?

What state was president kennedy in when he got shot?...

.....not a very good one, he’d just been shot

A new patient has been interned in a mental asylum.

One of the doctors ask him:

- What is your name?

- John F Kennedy, sir.

- Great, another president...

- No sir! I'm not the president, I'm the airport!

Anyone hear about the conspiracy theorist who died and went to heaven?

When he arrived, God stated that He grants all His children one question. The man promptly asked, "Who killed Kennedy?" God replied, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald, on the 6th floor, with his own gun, and he acted alone." The man thought for a moment then disappointingly replied "This goes higher u...

What do Trump and Kennedy have in common?

Nothing yet, but lets stay hopeful.

Kennedy put a man on the moon....

Obama put a man in the ladies room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks "There's a Great Dane tied up out front, who owns it?"

Another. guy stands up and says "that's my dog, is there a problem?"

"I'm sorry to tell you, my dog just killed your great dane."

"I can't believe it! My dog was a powerful, savage beast! I raised him from a pup to be a killer! What kind of dog do you have?"

"A Chihuaha."...

Who are the most open-minded presidents?

Abraham Lincoln, James A. Garfield, William McKinley, and John F. Kennedy

How many Kennedy's does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick Question

We all know Kennedy's don't last as long as lightbulbs.

Giving the devil his due

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm...

"Sometimes you just need to go for a drive to clear your head"

-John F. Kennedy

Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...

Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.



Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

Being the President is seriously stressful.

Kennedy lost his mind!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Friday, so the teacher told the students it’s time to play a game.

“Students, I’m going to ask some questions. If you answer correctly you get to leave school early and go home.” All the children got really excited.

“Students, which president said, Four Scores and seven years ago?”

Little Johnny knew the answer, however Lisa beat him to it.

“M...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"

God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor ...

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

this terrible day in American history

always reminds me of this dark humor line: "Other than *that* , Mrs Kennedy, how did you like Dallas?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three pilots were stranded on an island with inhabited by an untouched tribe.

The chief of the tribe told them that he would spare their lives if they manage to accomplish two tasks he will give them. Should they fail, they will be executed immediately. The first task was to bring him 5 of the same fruit from the forest, the second task would be told after they succeed.
...

Who is the most open minded American President till date.

John F. Kennedy

A guy got brought up to Insane Asylum and Docor asked him for his name...

Doctor: Your name, please?

Patient: I am John F Kennedy

Doctor: That's very nice, we got lots of politicians here, Ambraham Lincoln, Richard Nixon, George Washington...

Patient: No, Doc. I'm the airport.

What is the CIA’s favorite band?

Dead Kennedys

Some Chuck Norris Jokes

- Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

- Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.

- When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

- Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher said to her class, "Let's review some American history..."

"...Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he answered.

"Very good! Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There lil Johnny sat in the back of class...

as the teacher announced that "Today, if the students could name the famous Americans who said these famous quotes, they could go home early."

Excited, the whole class perked up.

"First one." Mr. Jones said. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Every student's hand was up...

What's the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John F Kennedy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at...

Every Half Dollar is Lee Harvey Oswald

Cus each one has a headshot of Kennedy

Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents

Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States

-Eisenhower

-Kennedy

-Johnson

-Nixon

-Ford

-Carter

-Reagan

-Bush

-Clinton

-GW Bush

-Obama

But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump

Presidents

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and John F. Kennedy?

One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated.

Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger?

To breed a Kennedy that could take a bullet.

Worst foursome in golf history

1. Stormy Daniels
2. O. J. Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton

Why? You ask

1. Stormy is a hooker.
2. O. J. is a slicer.
3. Ted can't drive over water, and
4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

40 Cents

There was a country family who had struggled with poverty all their lives. Then the daughter got married to the wealthiest bachellor of the nearest town.
All of a sudden their lives started to improve. The husband employed all the wife’s siblings, his company started to buy the family ranch’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another little Johnny joke

Little Johnny's teacher told the class that they were going to be quizzed about US presidents. Every correct answer will win that student a jellybean.

Teacher: Who was our 1st president?

Nobody raised their hands except the little Japanese boy in the front row

Boy: George Wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A history teacher offers Monday off to the first student who can answer a trivia question as they are leaving on Friday afternoon.

Teacher: "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country' and in what year?"

Japanese Exchange Student: "It was most honorable President John F. Kennedy in 1961."

Teacher: "That is correct. You may have Monday off. The rest of you should be as...

Nobody's gonna get this but...

When Robert Bork died, he found himself at the pearly gates where St. Peter stood smiling.

"Mr. Bork! Welcome to Heaven! You're going to love it here! Now, what would you like to do? Sleep for a few years? Eat?"

"Well, that's awfully nice, St. Peter, but I've always loved being of se...

Bill Clinton in Hell

Bill Clinton in Hell

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants, and he will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

Three door...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sits in class watching the clock when the teacher stands up in front of the class

And tells the class since there isn't much time before the end of class and it was Friday she will play a game with them. She explains the rules.

Teacher: Guess which president said the quote and you can leave early.

The boy is excited this is his favorite subject and he knows he is go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's President's Day and Mrs. Rosewood was giving her students a bonus quiz...

Whoever could identify the president who said the famous quote would not have any homework that night.

"Alright, class. Who said "A house divided against itself cannot stand."?"
Lil' Johnny knew the answer, but wasn't the first to have his hand up. That was Jamal Jefferson.

"Was it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Famous quotes....

At school one day Little Johnny's teacher announced that she was going to say a famous quote and that whoever could correctly guess the person who said that quote would be able to leave school early. Little Johnny gets all excited because he knows his history.

So the teacher asks first: "Wh...

Man has to put his father in a nursing home...

And so a week later, the man goes to visit his father.

The man is walking down the hall, and he sees his father sitting at the end of the hall between two orderlies.

As he walks closer, his father falls over on his left side, and the orderly on that side props him back up.

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Conspiracy theorists on Facebook on this joyous day of days.

These guys were brainwashed by the government to cover up Lincoln's murder because Kennedy's assassin really hated marathons. Especially the ones run by Disney every year because he was a nazi and everyone knows nazis are hiding on the dark side of the moon purposely keeping weed from being legalize...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.