Reagan Jokes - 78 Hilarious Reagan Jokes

Gorbachev and Reagan met to discuss security.

They started to argue about who has the best personal security. Naturally Gorbachev said he does, and Reagan said he does. They were meeting at the Grand Canyon, so they went outside to settle this.
Gorbachev told Reagan, "look". He ordered his security detachment beside him to jump off the canyo...

The Clintons at President Reagan’s funeral

I don’t know if any of you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you might’ve noticed Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.

Reagan, who never missed the opportunity for a good one-liner, raised his head out of the casket and said “I see the Clintons are finally slee...

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A joke told by Ronald Reagan

Fidel Castro had just started one of his long, boring speeches when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."

Castro didn't break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."
...

Ronald Reagan asks a mathematician: "What is two plus two?"

The mathematician replies "Four, Mr President."

Unsatisfied, Reagan asks a statistician. "What is two plus two?"

The statistician says "Based on our research, most people think it's between 3.8 and 4.3."

Still unsatisfied, Reagan asks an economist: "What is two plus two?"
...

A three legged chicken. (Said in a Ronald Reagan speech.)

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So h...

Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher and Mikhail Gorbachev are riding together on a plane

They fly over the Empire State Building and Reagan proudly boasts:

"See that? We built that in a few days from scratch!"

Then they fly over the Buckingham Palace and Thatcher proudly says:

"See that? That we built in a week!

When they got to Russia and flew over the Krem...

A Ronald Reagan cold War joke

An American,Polish and Russian dog were sitting together.

The American dog started talking : it is great living in America you can bark all day in the fields and at night you get a big beefy peice of meat.

The polish dog asked : what is meat ?

The Russian dog asked : what is bar...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

If you wanted to buy a car in Russia, you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it.

In Russia, if you wanted to buy a car you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it. So a fellow goes to order a car, brings his cash, stands in line.
The clerk says, “Very good comrade, you will receive your car on this day, 10 years from now”.
The man asks “In the morning o...

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

A classic soviet joke from Ronald Reagan

There’s an American, a polish and soviet dog all arguing about their countries

The American dog says “In my country if you bark loud enough and long enough you’ll eventually get meat”

The polish dog says “What’s meat?”

The soviet dog says “What’s bark?”

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll...

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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
...

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

On their way to a summit, both Reagan and Gorbachev end up in car crashes, knocking them both into comas.

Ten years later, they wake up in adjacent rooms in the hospital, a screen separating the rooms but allowing them to see and hear each other. Both are curious about how the world changed in their absence, so Reagan asks for a copy of the New York Times, and Gorbachev asks for a copy of Pravda.
...

Ronald Reagan was a funny guy...

Two Irish ladies were at the wake for their dear friend. "Poor Mollie," said the first woman, looking down at the body, "she had such a hard life. First she married Mike, who gave her five crying children in six years. He beat her and never worked a day in his life. Then Mike up and died, and she ma...

Ronald Reagan's Memory

One day a reporter confronted Ronald Reagan about a previous statement he had made. "Mr. President, you said that you would resign if your memory started to fade," the reporter said. Reagan smiled and replied, "I don't remember saying that."

What's the difference between Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump?

Reagan helped tear down a wall.

They've already had to recall the Nancy Reagan stamps because they don't stick to the envelope

Everyone is spitting on the wrong side.

What do former presidents Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton have in common?

They both said “screw you” to aid(e)s

I think my TV may be possessed. Today I saw the Three Stooges and Ronald Reagan on it.

Its channeling dead people.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

Gorbachev, Reagan, and Thatcher all meet God.

God says "I'll answer one question from each of you."

Reagan asks "How long will it be before the American people are happy, healthy, and living in prosperity?"

God replies "50 years."

Reagan starts to weep, and says "I won't live long enough to see it!"

Thatcher says "Wh...

Is Ronald Reagan Ozai from Avatar?

Cause he seemed to have fired the air-controllers.

Apparently the Ronald Reagan library is burning at both ends.

But instead of fighting it directly, they should put out fires nearby and hope the water trickles down.

In a bid to entice republicans, Biden vows to pick up right where Reagan left off...

With rapidly detiorating mental health.

A Soviet joke Ronald Reagan once told

An American and a Russian are sitting in a bar, arguing over whose country was better. The American argues,

"See, in America, I am free to do whatever I want. If I wanted to, I could walk right into the White House, slam my fist on the President's desk, and say 'Mr. President, I don't like th...

Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump go to heaven.

They are called before God’s throne. “Who are you, and what good did you do on earth?”, God asks Reagan. “I am Ronald Reagan, oh Lord, and I won the Cold War”, Reagan answers. “Very well”, God says, “Take the seat to my right.” He then turns to Clinton and asks him the same question. “I am Bill Clin...

It's funny that Republicans have compared Trump to Reagan in the past...

At least Reagan knew how to act.

The ghost of Ronald Reagan floats into a man's house

As he walks through the wall the man exclaims to his friend 'look dude! Holy s**t its Ronald Reagan! Head on upstairs Mr Reagan you can haunt the attic!'

A few minutes later another ghost floats in, this time its David Bowie. Again the guy yells in excitement 'Dude! It's David Bowie! Mr Bowie...

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...

Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a m...

If Ronald Reagan were alive today he would roll in his grave...

roll, scream, kick and so would you if you woke up in a casket.

Heard this joke by Reagan today-wanted to share

Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. In a car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to the Kremlin from his house. He told the chauffer, "Look we are running late so let me drive. I insist." So He told the Chaufer to get in the back and ...

Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

Why was John F. Kennedy secretly a more successful actor than Ronald Reagan?

He always knew how to take the perfect headshot.

President Reagan and his wife were at a state dinner

and the waiter asked her what she wanted for her entree. She said, "I'll have the chicken". The waiter asked, "what about the vegetable?" She replied, "He'll have the beef"

Reagan laying down some jokes about the Soviets. (Youtube clip)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

Communism Joke (apparently it was one of Ronald Reagan's favorites)

A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada, one of the cheap automobiles made in the former Soviet Union. The dealer tells her that there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and ...

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With great enthusiasm and singing a song

Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen.

Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."

Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singi...

Here's a joke from the 80s

Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan are out to dinner. The waiter asks what the First Lady will have. She says, "I'd like the filet mignon, and a baked potato."

The waiter asks, "and the vegetable?"

Mrs. Reagan answers, "Oh, he'll have the same."

I don't care much for political jokes. But I was thinking what would Reagan think of our current toxic political climate if he was alive today?

I think he would say " WHY WON'T SOMEONE LET ME OUT OF THIS BOX"

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Gorbachev visits Washington

Gorbachev visits Washington. He is in the Oval office with Reagan. He noticed a red button on the president’s desk. So Gorbachev sits down on Reagan's desk and presses the button out of curiosity. A trapdoor opens above his head, and a bucket of shit empties on his head. Reagan is rolling on the flo...

A young Soviet boy asked his father, “Is it true that freedom of speech is the same here as it is in the United States?”

His father said, “In principle, yes. I could stand on the White House lawn and yell, ‘Down with Reagan!’ and not be punished. Similarly, I could stand in the Red Square and yell, without punishment, ‘Down with Reagan!’”

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A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

Fidel Castro dies and goes to hell.

There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell.

There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. “What’s it like in there?” asks Fidel. “Well,” the d...

What did Nancy Reagan say when she got to the ball?

(Gags)

A Soviet and an American are talking

The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I do...

A joke from the Soviet era.

Reagan is visiting the Soviet Union and arrives at the Ukrainian city of Odessa. Expecting a warm welcoming party by the people of the city, he is both shocked and offended that no one is greeting him at the city gates. The embarrassed Soviet officials scramble to find someone to fire the ceremonial...

Brittney Griner and Viktor Bout are talking during prisoner exchange, arguing about who lives in a freer country.

Brittney says, "America is the best! I can go to the White House, demand to see the president, and tell him I don't like the way he's running this country."

"Big deal," Viktor says, "I can do that too."

"You can?" Brittney says.

"Sure," says Viktor. I can walk up to the Kremlin...

(Sorry if Tha Joke was already taken) An American and a Soviet Russian...

Were Talking About Their Countries Freedom of Freedom and Rights , The American said : "Mr Kutznesova , in the Usa i can go right into the White House and say to President Ronald Reagan that he's way to Manage the Country isnt Right for Me " . The Russian Guy replied : " Mr Smith , i can also go to ...

Chernobyl

Have you ever seen Ronald Reagan's response to the Chernobyl incident?

He thought the Russians were just "overreacting."

Clinton on the Titanic

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "Screw the women!"

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"

The 80s, an American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom.

The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Reagan!' and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Reagan!' and nothing will happen to me either.”

Why are people comparing Trump to Reagen?

Reagan's biggest accomplishment was tearing down a wall not putting one up.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

After the recent wave of Trump primary victories, what did Nancy Reagan request for her funeral before she died?

To be laid to rest beside the remains of the Republican party

Did you know every president since Eisenhower has had a daily briefing every morning six days a week?

The only exception was Reagan, who would usually soil himself in the afternoon and require a second pair.

The American and the Russian

Originally told by U.S. President Reagan in one of his speeches:

>An American and a Russian(before the fall of the Soviet Union) were bragging to one another.
>
>
>American: We have a lot of freedom of speech. We can just go to the White House, barge in the President...

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is the USA?

In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished. In the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished.

Back in the Sovjet days a guy wants to buy a car

The guy goes up to the counter at the Ministry of buying cars.

Guy: I would like to buy a car.

Clerk: Sure thing but it will take 10 years for processing your request. Come back then and your car will be ready for you.

Guy: Ok, morning or afternoon?

Clerk: Huh? what diffe...

Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents

Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States

-Eisenhower

-Kennedy

-Johnson

-Nixon

-Ford

-Carter

-Reagan

-Bush

-Clinton

-GW Bush

-Obama

But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump

An announcement was made by the government in the USSR

Since only one in seven households had a vehicle, drivers were speeding incessantly and the government announced that anyone speeding would be fined regardless of who it was.

One day Gorbachev gets out of his hotel and is late to the Kremlin, so he tells his driver to get in the back seat and...

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Donald Trump dies and when he gets to hell he sees the Devil

The Devil says to him, "Donald we've been expecting you. Unfortunately we are full right now and don't have room for you. But if you want I'll show you three rooms I could make available to you."

Trump agrees and the Devil opens the door to the first room and they see Richard Nixon endlessly...

At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

3 Legged Chicken

One day I was driving down the road and I saw a three-legged chicken. This chicken was staying beside me the whole time and so I start to go about 70 mph.

Well after a while of racing this chicken I pulled up to the farm it stopped at and talked to the farmer. I said, "Why do you hav...

An American was arguing with a Russian on which of their governments were better...

The American made the case, “you know in the United States of America you can march into the White House, slam your fists on the president’s desk and say, Mr.President, I don’t like the way you are running this country.”

The Russian replied,”I can do that”.

The American in a bit of s...

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Pissin' in the snow, 2019

Donald Trump wakes up one morning and looks out the White House window, where he sees "Donald Trump Sucks" in huge letters, pissed into the snow below. He calls in the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret Service, and screams, "I want answers! Who's responsible for this? Report back after lunch!"

...

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There lil Johnny sat in the back of class...

as the teacher announced that "Today, if the students could name the famous Americans who said these famous quotes, they could go home early."

Excited, the whole class perked up.

"First one." Mr. Jones said. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Every student's hand was up...

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Fidel Castro was giving a speech to his people

Fidel Castro was giving a speech to the Cuban people in a large outdoor venue. Halfway through the speech he hears a vendor in the crowd, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."
He ignores it and carries on with the speech.
He hears the same thing, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."

Fidel gets frustrated...

Heard this from my History Professor.

Ronald Reagan had such high regard for the office of President that his jacket was never off.

Bill Clinton had such high regard for the office of President that his pants were never on.

A man walks into a t-shirt store...

There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."

The third tee shirt has a picture of M...

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Bubba Joke

President Obama is having trouble pleasing Michelle in bed so he goes to consult his good friend Bubba, a real lothario and ask his advice. Bubba tells him, “Try this: Wait until she is in bed, then stand outside the door and rap your dick against the door, Rap, Rap, Rap. I don’t know why but it alw...

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There was once a young couple...

Once there was a young couple who were very much in love.The girl became pregnant and gave birth to their first child. It was a difficult pregnancy and there were complications and surgery was required. When it was finished and the young woman came out of the recovery room, the surgeon met with the ...

A collection of Radio Yerevan jokes

Radio Yerevan jokes were basically a pre-internet meme here in the former Eastern Bloc, which follow a simple QnA format and were often political, and here's a few of my favorites:

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Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union in the same w...

Obama died, and, as usual for any president, he was lead to the hell.

Satan looked at him “ Mmmm, I can see that you have been elected twice as President. Also, you are one of a kind. So, I am giving you a rare opportunity. You can see the other inmates in hell and select your eternal fate. If you chose their fate, they will be sent to heaven”.

With nothing to ...

Two Russian motorcycle cops are sitting on the side of the road.

This was a joke Ronald Reagan told about Gorbachev, but most people probably forgot about Gorbachev, so I made it about Putin.

These two Russian motorcycle cops are sitting on the side of a Russian highway. They both get a call from the Russian government telling them that every car caught s...

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Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

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