Lincoln Jokes

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

The finale is shot before a live audience.

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

"Would it kill you to take me to a show every once in a while!?"

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don... read more

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

Naked & screaming, just like the rest of us.

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
... read more

He doesn't do well in theaters.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

They became the change I see in the world.

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking and eating and just generally having a grand ol' time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.

W: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
... read more

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?"
FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets"
Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls bac... read more

Mt. Rashmore.

Because the last one he saw blew his mind.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ... read more

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer:
\- "What's 2+2"?

Blonde:
\- "Ummmmm... 4!"

Officer:
\- "What's the square root of 100?"

Blonde:... read more

One is John Wilkes Booth, and the other is John Wick’s booth.

He never heard the end of it

I call them my Lincoln logs.

Did you enjoy the show?

Which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do too well in theaters

When he gets to heaven, he runs into Saint Peter. He also sees a bunch of clocks on the wall. “What are all those clocks for?” the man asked. “Well,” said Saint Peter, “Those clocks move every time someone lies, see that clock over there, that one belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved. “ “Wel... read more

Booth (a mathematician) tells Lincoln, we’ve been coming here to speed date for 5 years now and only picked up an average of 2.857 lady friends. Lincoln thinks for a moment and replies, well, at that pace, we will have four scores in seven years....

They get a few shots

were the most open-minded presidents in American history.

He's in a cent.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock wi... read more

Old age.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

... read more

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a... read more

Because he was sitting in John Wilke's Booth!



I thought of this like 10 years ago, and I believe it is a quality joke of which nobody I have told has heard, and a handful of social studies teachers through school were impressed with. One of my prouder moments. lol

I've heard they can't steer left, it's all right all right all right.

Well, there was a party once, not far from here, which was composed of ladies and gentlemen. A fine table was set and the people were greatly enjoying themselves. Among the crowd was one of those men who had audacity — was quick-witted, cheeky, and self-possessed — never off his guard on any occasio... read more

To Have Come in A Melania.

The head was replaced once and the handle twice but I got documented proof it belong to Abraham Lincoln.

Because the Gettysburg was naked

Because he’ll always be in a cent.

I watched a guy in a Lincoln Navigator attempt to park in a busy restaurant parking lot. It took a friend to get out and direct him in order to wiggle into a spot. Afterwards he said to me, "now I know why they call it a navigator. It fu@*ing takes one to park it".

#It's worth a shot.

Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

I call it my Lincoln Logs

Because they both ended with a BANG

Because it just goes Alright, Alright, Alright.

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

America would have really gone South.

Four Score and Seven

He'd probably scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

I freed the WHO!?

Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.

The guy in the back was really nervous for some reason.

…The “John Wilkes booth”?!?!

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before ... read more

Because it was John Wilke's booth.

"Hey! I'm in-a-cent!"

.....St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will
depend on your answer."

The first guy ... read more

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe... read more

When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"

He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

**Americans**: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.









**Canadians**: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.






**Americans**: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.... read more

They can't finish a play.

What's a movie?

The Spaghetties-burg Address.

"I set WHO free?"

Well, four shots and seven beers ago...

The genie said," You could choose five".