Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly

He looked up "Enimem-rap god"

What do you call instructions on how to fart properly?

A toot-orial...

When I'm too tired to properly shower, I just go in, do a quick spin, and leave

It's called a 360 no soap

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly ...

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Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here’s to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2018, everyone!!

If you don't pave the roads properly...

It's your own asphalt...

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

Why can’t we get a smartphone that can properly autocorrect in/on?

It’s really starting to get in my nerves.

Engineers and managers on train

(obligatory, English is my second language, so expect some mistakes)

Group of engineers and managers are going to a conference and they're travelling by train. Managers bought one ticket each while whole engineers group has single ticket. Managers laught at them for not planning properly, bu...

The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

When trump was asked if he had handled the pandemic properly, he said

I’m positive

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

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[NSFW] A man with a large penis goes to the doctor

For he has a very bad stuttering problem.

He says the to doctor “i i i I’ve g g g got a a a a p p p problem i can’t t t t talk in f f f full S S S sentences.”

The doctor says “well maybe you just have a bad stutter but we will run some tests on you to make sure.”

So they run t...

A man walked into the doctor's surgery

He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.

The doctor took one look and said
"Im afraid you're not eating properly."

What's blue and doesn't fit properly?

A dead epileptic

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

At the Barber Shop

A man goes to the barber shop for a shave. While sitting down on the barber chair, he tells the barber that he can never properly shave his cheeks.


The barber goes to a drawer and takes out a small wooden ball. He tells the client to place it in his mouth between the cheek and his teet...

I get why a lot of people don’t properly wear masks over their noses

It’s because they’re mouth breathers

Let's see if I can properly translate this joke from Hindi: Dewan, a friend of mine was curses with a tiny pecker.

He was the cause of many disappointments in bed. One day he got fed up and asked us for help. Another friend of ours, Ahmad, recommend a guru who sat atop a mountain in the Himalayas. He said the climb would be difficult but the journey will be worth it.
Dewan without a second thought left for th...

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

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A Texan visits Harvard ...

He meets a student and asks, "Say there, do you know where the bathroom's at?" The student replies, "Sir, here at Harvard we speak properly, and certainly don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan replies, "OK, where's the bathroom at, asshole?"

Not properly prescripted

- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "LSD" engraved on 'em.

- F*ck them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

My wife says I can't pronounce Frederick properly.

**DOCTOR:** What? Can you say it again?

**ME:** Frederick

**DOCTOR:** Your pronunciation is perfect, tell your wife that you don't have any problem with that.

**MY WIFE:** What did the doctor said?

**ME:** The doctor said that there is nothing wrong with my pronunciation ...

What's in common with Chinese Rockets and telling morbid jokes to my friends?

They never land properly.

Properly prepared

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke t...

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I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

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A woman was having sex in an apartment on the 20th floor with another Man

As She heard her Husband coming... She told her Lover to stay like a Robot and not to move...

Husband :
What is this???

Wife :
This is a Robot...
I bought it to have Sex with when you are travelling...

Husband :
Okay darling in that case let's have Sex now......

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What does drinking kombucha and giving blow jobs have in common?

If you've ever finished one properly, you already know.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

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A man buys a heavily discounted parrot from a pet store. As he's walking down the street, the parrot squawks obscenities at passersby.

Eventually, the man runs into the priest of his church.

"Good afternoon my son," said the priest. "And who might your feathered friend be?"

"FUCK YOU!" squawks the parrot.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I fully intend to break him of this obscene habit. I'll even teach him...

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

My wife left me this morning...

My wife left me this morning. She said that I never communicate with her properly or let her know how I feel about things.

I didn’t know what to say.

A friend was having trouble with her oldschool mechanical typewriter.

She said 'It's great to have such a retro device, however it doesn't work properly'.

I asked 'What is wrong with it?'

She replied 'Well some of the keys get stuck and I have to move them back manually'

'Ah I think I have a solution'

'Please tell me'

'Well what you ...

Things that aren't formatted properly.

Do you know what I hate?

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

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"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"What about it exactly?"

"How the hell do you delete the history so mother doesn't find out?"



(translated, sorry if not properly)

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

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A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

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Chris Hemsworth goes to a bar

He spots a nice looking lady and gets chatting to her, she happens to have dental braces which affects her speech only slightly.
He asks her “Could I buy you a drink?”
She replies “If you mutht”
They chat and drink into the early hours.
Chris then says “I have a room at the Radisson do...

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

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Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

A young woman moves in next door to a married couple

One day, the wife looks out of the window and sees the woman hanging her laundry to dry and it's dirty. She says to her husband, "Why is her laundry so dirty? Does she not know how to do laundry properly? Maybe she has bad laundry detergent?"

The husband doesn't say a word. Time and time aga...

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

I caught my son biting the electrical cord

I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working properly, so I tried to fix it.

Now it sucks even more.

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A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."

After completing his first transaction, the man wal...

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