The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

What's blue and doesn't fit properly?

A dead epileptic

I get why a lot of people don’t properly wear masks over their noses

It’s because they’re mouth breathers

I caught my son chewing electrical cords

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

Let's see if I can properly translate this joke from Hindi: Dewan, a friend of mine was curses with a tiny pecker.

He was the cause of many disappointments in bed. One day he got fed up and asked us for help. Another friend of ours, Ahmad, recommend a guru who sat atop a mountain in the Himalayas. He said the climb would be difficult but the journey will be worth it.
Dewan without a second thought left for th...

Not properly prescripted

- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "LSD" engraved on 'em.

- F*ck them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

My wife says I can't pronounce Frederick properly.

**DOCTOR:** What? Can you say it again?

**ME:** Frederick

**DOCTOR:** Your pronunciation is perfect, tell your wife that you don't have any problem with that.

**MY WIFE:** What did the doctor said?

**ME:** The doctor said that there is nothing wrong with my pronunciation ...

What do you call a Mexican who asks properly for permission?

Meximay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex:

"Tarzan not know sex!" He replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!"

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

Two aliens are sitting in their spaceship looking at the earth.

One of them has been researching whether an invasion would be viable. He reports back to his commander "the humans have somehow managed to harness the power of the atom to create some of the most powerful weapons I've ever seen".

The commander says "maybe it would be unwise for us to invade t...

Properly prepared

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke t...

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

Ghosted

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn'...

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a diminutive, mousy-looking elderly man in a pub, quietly staring into his glass.

He has sad, sad eyes and a generally upset demeanor.

The door of the pub is slammed open and a lorry driver charges in. He roars up to the bar counter, orders four pints of the strongest beer the bartender has, and drops heavily down upon one of the bar stools.

As he drains his beers, ...

Did you know there's a Specific type of tin used on buses that when not treated properly can give off toxins that'll leach into your skin giving some hallucinogenic side effects

TL;dr Bus tin makes me feel good

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

A man walks into a doctor's office

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to see if this old Finnish joke is still funny when translated.

A press reporter, a young and beautiful woman was making an article about living alone in the middle of nowhere for the majority for one's life.


The reporter stayed at the old man's house for a long time, just discussing about everyday stuff.

Well, how do you get food then?

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.


After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The hu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to a doctor for a vaginal examination

After the examination, the doctor says that everything looks good.
Well, says the woman, That is great because I'm getting married for the fourth time tomorrow!
Oh... the doctor says. But the research shows that you are a virgin ...

Yes, that's right, the woman answers, but my first hu...

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..

a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.

He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".

Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".

Things that aren't formatted properly.

Do you know what I hate?

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

Once a panda walked into a restaurant...

...and ordered a hamburger and some fries. The waiter was surprised to see a panda in the bar but served him thinking it to be an intelligent animal as it ordered it's own food.

The panda finished its food and as it saw the waiter approaching it with the bill, it got up and shot him with a pi...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

Why is the legal drinking age 21 in the USA?

So the liquor can age properly

A priest was invited to attend a house party

.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was poin...

A man comes home to find his door lock is not working properly

He promptly unscrews the hinges, picks up the door and takes it to the market to repair the lock.

The locksmith asks *"If the door's here...what if someone walks into your house?"*

Confused, he replies *"How would anyone get in when I have the door?"*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translated a joke from Swiss German. (It was a while ago since I heard the joke, so I don't remember it well)

A man died and was on his way to heaven. When he reached, he saw Jesus standing Infront of him. Jesus said: "We have a long way ahead of us. Come...let's walk."

Jesus trying to start a small talk with the man, asked him whether he has has any pet peeves. The man replied: "I don't like it when...

A German worker gets a job in Siberia, aware of how all mail will be read by the censors, he tells his friends;

"Let's establish a code, if a letter you get from me is written in ordinary blue ink; it's true, if it's written in red ink, it's false"

After a month, his friends get the first letter;

"Everything is wonderful here, the shops are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and proper...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

An Elderly Man In Louisiana

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the po...

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."

After completing his first transaction, the man wal...

At my workplace, there's a forklift that we all call "The Libertarian"

The steering doesn't work properly, so whenever you try to use it, it immediately makes a hard right and breaks something important.

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working properly, so I tried to fix it.

Now it sucks even more.

An upper-class Englishman is going through his household accounts.

After a moment he looks up and says to his wife, "you know, darling, if you learnt how to prepare meals properly, we could spend less on the chef."

His wife replied, " And if you knew how to screw properly, we could get rid of the chauffeur."

My breaker box wasn't functioning properly so I called 6 of my German friends over to see if they could fix it and they did! You know what they say...

Many Hans make light work.

A child wasn't toilet trained yet.

Whenever he used to go out with his mother, he would always say, "Mom, I wanna pee!", "Mom, I wanna pee!" His mother would quickly take him to a public toilet or to the bushes or something, so that he stops saying that.

Now obviously the mother used to feel embarrassed, since everyone around ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man got into an accident and got third degree burn

The doctors told his wife that only her butt cheek's skin is suitable for a plastic surgery for her husband's burnt face

The wife agreed.

Operation was done and the man look even more handsome than before.

After 1 year past, the husband randomly asked his wife..

Husband: ...

Parents of Reddit! When properly raising your child to be a despot you cannot *just* have them conquer the neighbors.

It takes a village.

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