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Properly Jokes

How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by?

M’lard

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep?

Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

My friend never learned to shave properly

I guess her mom didnt razor right

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

As a large man I've never been able to properly wash my back

So my wife bought me a loofah on a stick.

Now I can put all that behind me.

Properly prepared

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke t...

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Hear about the vampire who had trouble biting people properly?

He had dysnecksia.

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

If you had a robot lizard that wasn’t working properly…

…would that be eReptile Dysfunction?

Not properly prescripted

- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "LSD" engraved on 'em.

- F*ck them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!

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What does sushi have in common with anal?

You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.

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Properly offensive mum jokes?

My friend and I had a habit of mum jokes duelling and putting standard 'yo mumma' to shame. All to the spirit of pushing the boundary. One point I came up with this:

'Your mum so loose, when you were born, it felt so good that she used you as a dildo and pushed you right back in.'

Anyo...

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

Did you know that Eggs Benedict is properly served on a vintage hubcap?

It's true! There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

If you don't pave the roads properly...

It's your own asphalt...

What do you call instructions on how to fart properly?

A toot-orial...

Things that aren't formatted properly.

Do you know what I hate?

What's blue and doesn't fit properly?

A dead epileptic

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

My wife says I can't pronounce Frederick properly.

**DOCTOR:** What? Can you say it again?

**ME:** Frederick

**DOCTOR:** Your pronunciation is perfect, tell your wife that you don't have any problem with that.

**MY WIFE:** What did the doctor said?

**ME:** The doctor said that there is nothing wrong with my pronunciation ...

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

Why can’t we get a smartphone that can properly autocorrect in/on?

It’s really starting to get in my nerves.

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

America was not shut down properly.

Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

When I'm too tired to properly shower, I just go in, do a quick spin, and leave

It's called a 360 no soap

When trump was asked if he had handled the pandemic properly, he said

I’m positive

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Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here’s to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2018, everyone!!

The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

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I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

I recently learned how to store jam properly.

I must say, it was a rather jarring event.

Properly relocating a cavewoman

Q: Why did the caveman drag his cavewoman around by the hair?
A: Because if he dragged her around by the feet she would fill up with dirt.

Most people don't clean their teeth properly

They just brush past them

I get why a lot of people don’t properly wear masks over their noses

It’s because they’re mouth breathers

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

Women never listen properly

Wife: I lost my keys

Man: Its in your jeans

Wife: Dont drag my family into this.

How to properly propose to a stoner

Marriage-you-wanna?

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LPT: Make sure you properly understand job ads.

* Entry level position = We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
* Experience required = We do not know the first thing about any of this.
* Compensation commensurate with experience = You're still not experienced enough so take this low pay.
* Generous benefits = We will give you ...

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

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A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."

After completing his first transaction, the man wal...

What do you call a cannon that can't fire properly?

Projectile Dysfunction.


I'll see myself out.

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Worried boy goes to doctor

A teenager worried about having three testicles goes to a urologist. The urologist assures him that it's nothing to worry about.

Relieved from tension, the boy goes to a stranger and says, "Did you know that there are 5 testicles among the two of us."

The stranger says, "I'm very sorr...

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working properly, so I tried to fix it.

Now it sucks even more.

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Proper Manners

There was an all male class being held and the teacher decided to pose a question on proper manners. The teacher asks his class, "If you are on a date with a woman at a nice restaurant and you wish to pee in the bathroom, how do you properly excuse yourself?"

The first student raises his hand...

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Since the crash, I haven't been able to use my hand properly.

Hopefully Pornhub will be up and working again soon.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German stop to watch a street performer.

The performer sees them arrive and since they’re at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly.

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Si.”

“Ja.”

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

Let's see if I can properly translate this joke from Hindi: Dewan, a friend of mine was curses with a tiny pecker.

He was the cause of many disappointments in bed. One day he got fed up and asked us for help. Another friend of ours, Ahmad, recommend a guru who sat atop a mountain in the Himalayas. He said the climb would be difficult but the journey will be worth it.
Dewan without a second thought left for th...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

An elderly man in Louisiana ...

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there f...

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