UPJOKE
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As a large man I've never been able to properly wash my back

So my wife bought me a loofah on a stick.

Now I can put all that behind me.

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

My friend never learned to shave properly

I guess her mom didnt razor right

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German stop to watch a street performer.

The performer sees them arrive and since they’re at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly.

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Si.”

“Ja.”

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep?

Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

If you had a robot lizard that wasn’t working properly…

…would that be eReptile Dysfunction?

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

A lad knocked on the door of a beautiful large house.

He asked if there were any jobs that needed doing. The man said he would give him £50 to paint the porch. The lad agreed and took the paintbrush and tin of white gloss paint away. The man’s wife said “£50 – that’s far too little. Did he not see the porch goes half way round the house? It will take t...

Did you know that Eggs Benedict is properly served on a vintage hubcap?

It's true! There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

Hear about the vampire who had trouble biting people properly?

He had dysnecksia.

Jokes Bus

A man boards a bus, to his surprise it is full of r/jokes users. He finds an empty space and settles in.

He quickly finds out a pattern to the ongoing conversations. One person stands up and shouts a number - Two hundred and sixty one!! Everyone starts laughing. Another person stands up as th...

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

The Keeper of All Jokes was starting to get overwhelmed.

There were so many supposedly new ones arriving every day that he couldn’t properly review them so he hired an assistant to dispose of the rejects. Thanks to a miscommunication, the assistant thought he was getting delivery instructions every time the Keeper said “read it”. So now you know.

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly ...

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

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Man at the funeral

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I ...

When I'm too tired to properly shower, I just go in, do a quick spin, and leave

It's called a 360 no soap

What do you call instructions on how to fart properly?

A toot-orial...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

My friends and I went drinking last weekend

This wasn't casual drinking, we got absolutely wasted. I still have a little bit of a headache from the hangover. I don't remember a lot from the night, but I do remember multiple dares, and a bet about who could drink the most without blacking out. I don't remember what placement I got, but I do kn...

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Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here’s to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2018, everyone!!

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

Why can’t we get a smartphone that can properly autocorrect in/on?

It’s really starting to get in my nerves.

The story of Arthur Nelson

Arthur Nelson is one of the least known pioneers of professional wrestling. He invented many of the submission holds that we still see today, and two of them bear his name: the half Nelson and the full Nelson. According to numerous sources, he also created many of the variations of the chokehold....

What do you do if your son keeps biting on wires?

Ground him till he conducts himself properly

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

If you don't pave the roads properly...

It's your own asphalt...

The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

Murdering people is not what gets you jail time.

Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time.

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My friend got high on shrooms and pissed himself while still awake. What are some good adult diaper jokes to properly shame him?

Don't really know where else to post, I actually need some good ones here!!

Two men and a blonde are the next 3 up on death row

The warden approaches the first man and asks him which way he would like to go. “The firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?” The man thinks about what the best way to go would be and after some thing he chooses the chair. After being brought into the room, the operator flips the switch and after ...

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

I like kids

They taste the best when fried properly

When trump was asked if he had handled the pandemic properly, he said

I’m positive

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

My wife says I can't pronounce Frederick properly.

**DOCTOR:** What? Can you say it again?

**ME:** Frederick

**DOCTOR:** Your pronunciation is perfect, tell your wife that you don't have any problem with that.

**MY WIFE:** What did the doctor said?

**ME:** The doctor said that there is nothing wrong with my pronunciation ...

Properly prepared

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke t...

What's blue and doesn't fit properly?

A dead epileptic

I get why a lot of people don’t properly wear masks over their noses

It’s because they’re mouth breathers

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

Not properly prescripted

- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "LSD" engraved on 'em.

- F*ck them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!

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I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

Things that aren't formatted properly.

Do you know what I hate?

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

Congrats!

It's what people write when they can't spell properly Congrajulashons!

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A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

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I went to the doctor's today, with a bright red scab on the head of my dick..

I dropped my trousers for him and straight away he told me it was caused by not eating properly.

"Oh come off it, doc!" I scolded. "You've not examined me or even asked about my lifestyle. How the fuck can you just assume I'm not eating properly?"

"It's a bit of tomato skin."

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Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

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