UPJOKE
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It's All Jokes

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

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A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.

I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai'i

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When it comes to life, it's all about perspective

I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a week, works out every day, and reads at least three books a month.

But all he does is complain about being in prison.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!

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A grim man enters an otolaryngologist's cabinet and whips out his penis... ...and it's all bluish and visibly not okay. The doctor, shocked: "You're in the wrong cabinet, you need to see the urologist!"

"No," says man. "The thing is, me and my friends go to a sauna once a month..."

"Ah, so then you'll need a dermatologist if it's caused by an STD" - interrupts the doctor.

"..and we play this reaction game called "Oof!" when we all whip out dicks and put them on a round table, music pl...

It's all about grip

Why don't witches wear panties?

Better grip on the broom!

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Then it's just fun and games they can't see.

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I've slowly come to the realisation that I'm gay, but it's all been so confusing...

... I just can't think straight!

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between England, and a teabag?...


Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse



*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

With my wife, it's all like the first day we met.

\- Are you still in love?

No, strangers.

It's all right to tell jokes about the Rolling Stones.

In fact, it's a gas.

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When it comes to sex it's all about quality over quantity.

Which is why I never watch the stuff that isn't HD.

I like sitting down on my office chair when it's all the way down.

I don't know why, I just feel more down to earth.

"Once you question your beliefs then it's all over"

~Adolf Hilter

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

The bad news is.. including me.

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It's all shits and giggles ...

until someone giggles and shits

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When it comes to sex, it's all about quality over quantity.

That's why I'm always on top of my wife.

It's all binary

Wife: "Honey, do you still find me attractive after all these years?"
Husband: "You are a 10 in my book babe."
Wife: "You are so sweet."
Husband: "Not a thing dear, it's all binary to me."

My friend went on a gap year travelling, and it's all he ever talks about. It's gotten to the point where I can't even discuss my problems with him anymore...

All he ever says is: "Oh, I've been there before."

It's all a matter of taste

Two cannibals are eating a Clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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