The President invites the Pope to lunch on his boat...

The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind

blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down
and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling

to launch a boat to go g...

An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat?

Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.

Did you hear about the new Abraham Lincoln sitcom on ABC?

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

Little Timmy

The teacher was asking her students to recite the ABC's. One day a girl said it correctly. The next day a boy said them correctly. Today the teacher asked Timmy to say them.

Timmy: bcefghijklmnopsvwxyz

Teacher: That's wrong Timmy.

Timmy: Oh sorry, I left out the u r a q t
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher is running through the ABC’s with her Kindergarten class...

For each letter, she calls on one of her students to give her a word that starts with that letter.

But one of her students likes to swear a lot, and she doesn’t want to call on him and have him say bad words in front of the whole class.

So she goes through the entire alphabet until s...

Kindergarten Blonde

A blond girl comes home from her first day of kindergarten and says "most of the kids can count to 10, but I can count to 20. Is that because I'm a blond?"

Her mom says"yes dear, it's because you're a blond."

The next day the girl comes home and says "today we had to do our ABC's." Mos...

I was listening to the ABC song the other day

Everything I listen to now just seems so derivative

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

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Little Johnny and the ABC's

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, wh...

Couple had 3 kids

A couple had 3 kids nicknamed - JC, MC & ABC

One day a guy comes to their house and asks why the names were so?

The couple replied that -

JC meant Just Curious

MC meant Mutual Consent

ABC meant Absolute Bloody Carelessness

How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

Did ABC purposefully mix up the Best Picture announcement in an effort to drive ratings?

After some careful research I've found nearly everybody on that stage to be a paid actor!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie, but a goldie.

Little Johnny was leaving class ready to go home one day when his teacher called him over.
“Hi Johnny, by class tomorrow,” The teacher says,”I want you to be able to say your ABC’s.”
“Ok, I’ll try!” Says Johnny.
Johnny gets home and goes to see his Mom,
“Hi Mom, can you tell me what is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.

It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too ...

Because you black and they white

Tyrone's first day in the first grade he came home crying. When his mother asked why, he replied,
"The teacher told us to say our ABC's and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to the letter E. Why is that? His mom said, "Because you black and they white." The next day T...

Jonny was in class when he realized he needed to go to the bathroom

So he asked his teacher if he could go.

Teacher: Okay but first you have to sing the abc's

Jonny: But I really have to go!

Teacher: Then sing the abc's

Jonny: Okay, \*sings\* "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z" allright I did it

Teacher: Not so fast...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family. His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was...

You may have heard of Netflix and Chill,

But have you heard of ABC and get the D?

A man is driving recklessly on the highway

A man is driving recklessly on the highway. A cop sees him me pulls him over.
The officer asks the man to step outside of his vehicle and then asks for him to pee into a cup.
The man replies " I can't do that I'm diabetic, my blood sugar will get to low"
The officer then asks the man to blo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guns – Good Question, Better Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian General.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to love this!
Thi...

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

Picked my son up from his first day of daycare.

Looked like a great place. Tons of cool toys. One corner of the room was full of blocks, one corner had a huge ball pit, another corner was a reading nook with little-kid type books. I got there just as they were cleaning the room up, and there were these huge foam ABCs all over the floor. I watched...

A young student asks his teacher....

“Teacher, may I go to the bathroom?”
The teacher replies, “Sure, but first you must recite your ABC’s.”
The kid then stands up and recites, “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ”
The teacher then says, “where is the P?”
And the kid replies, “It’s dripping down my leg.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop performs a sobriety check

Cop: "say your abc's backwards for me please."
Suspect: "abc's? Backwards? Officer I couldn't do that if I was sober."
*brief pause*
Suspect: "shit."

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