UPJOKE
playbehaveact aspretendenactmentroleplaydoplayactdissemblemakeact outenactactionrepresentmove

Acts Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know a guy who acts in pornography movies all day long.

You could say he’s what you call a “Working Stiff.”

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

Stand up acts anyone?

So, I was on a trip staying at a hostel. You know, budget travel.
I was in Australia, a small town, and I wake up needing to use the bathroom. The catch is it was 2:30 in the morning. And I would need to walk through an outdoor area to get there. So I decide to wait.

However, while waiting...

Guns are like gum...

Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you’ve been best friends since kindergarten.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory..

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised afte...

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

Some people say the president acts like a horse in a hospital...

But what they don't realize is that to make a stable out of a hospital, you'd have to be a stable genius.

So that's why he acts like that . . .

It turns out - beer is bad for you - really! Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer - hops contain Phytoestrogens - and that by drin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I ask my friend what the first number in Japanese is, his allergy acts up

He always says, "It's itchy."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a hen that acts like an asshole?

Jerk chicken

Random acts of nature

An international aid worker was volunteering at a small remote village in Africa. He was the only outsider the villagers have ever seen. But after awhile, they welcomed him into their homes.

The village chief had a beautiful daughter that had caught the eye of this worker. Everyday she would...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A circus is looking for new acts so they place an advert in the local paper

A few days later the circus' agent gets a phone call. "Hi I'm Jeff!" says the caller "I saw your advert and it sounds like my dream! I think I'm definitely talented enough to be in the circus!"

"Well ok Jeff, tell me about yourself, what's your skill?" says the agent

"I can skateboard!...

Apparently Tesla is producing a new cologne that acts as a strong pheromone,

They're calling it, "Elon's Musk"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler is judged harshly by history, but let's not ignore the heroic acts he performed, like....

He killed Hitler

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Years ago I used to work at the circus and we had some wonderful acts I remember the fat tattooed lady..

Now they're fucking everywhere...

What do you call an orange that commits illegal acts?

A Pulpetrator.

They say the Spinosaurus' sail acts like a radiator which dissipates all the heat away

Truly spine chilling

What do you call a swordfish that acts out scenes from the Godfather?

Marlin Brando

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being hunted by police on suspicion of bestiality following allegations that he has been engaging in sexual acts at Chester Zoo.

He was last seen ~~getting~~ sliding into a Jaguar.

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.