UPJOKE
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Shortly after creating them, God is introducing Adam and Eve to The Garden.

"These are the trees and bushes that bear fruit for you to eat. These are the bodies of water, for you to drink from. These are the animals, for you to name. And this is the forbidden fruit, which you must never eat."

"And what's that?" says Eve, pointing to something on her left.

"Oh ...

Apple is introducing robot dogs to the market soon. They're testing one in Mexico right now.

It's called the iChihuahua.

As I was introducing my family to our new neighbors, the guy exclaimed, “Wow! Your wife and daughter look like twins!” I chuckled and said...

“Well, they *were* separated at birth!"

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Introducing Elon's next venture

SpaceXXX

Chrysler is introducing a new car to its line-up to honour Donald Trump

The Dodge Drafter will go into production in Canada this year.

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[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]

Me: This is my girlfriend Janine

Janine: Hi

Wife: What the fuck

Youtube is introducing a new system of recommending youtube videos

The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm

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Bedbugs go into beds, fruit flies go into fruit

Introducing: The Cockroach

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Me introducing my girlfriend to my family

Me: Everyone, this is my girlfriend Jane

Jane: Hello, pleased to meet you

Wife and kids: what the fuck???

*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..

Me: But mom, I lov.....

Mom: I was talking to her.

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

Gordon Morgan...

was having all kinds of problems introducing himself at breakfast in Berlin.

While his friend Jim Apple was having similar problems in Paris

A friend of mine thanked me for introducing him to minimalism

I told him it's the least I could do

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A guy is introducing himself to a lady in a bar

Him : Hi my name is Daniel but my friends call me Dick

Her : how do you get Dick from Daniel ?

Him : you ask nicely ...

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

My father was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year, so I've gotten really good at introducing myself...

To all of mom's new boyfriends.

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

A drunk guy was introducing his house to his friend.

"This is the dining room, and this is our bedroom, on the bed is me sleeping with my wife".

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Introducing a new joke style: I wish all the ladies

This was a thing we used to do on my sea scout ship after competition. It's a rhyming couplet in the general style of

"I wish all the ladies
Were [XXXX]
And I'd be [YYYY]
And [sex pun]"

A few examples:

I wish all the ladies
Were winds on the sea
And I'd be the sa...

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleve...

College football is introducing the Rosary Bowl

Every play is a Hail Mary

In the early 1970s, a young man graduated from Seminary and was sent to a small Southern town to be their minister.

This young man looked almost exactly like country singer Conway Twitty. After settling in at his house, he decided to introduce himself to some members of his congregation.

The first stop was an elderly couple. He knocked on the door, the woman answered and yelled "Conway Twitty! Pa, come ...

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My Favourite Joke

Some time ago, when I was a teenager, I went to my uncle’s farm. I, a city boy, didn’t want to go but my cousins insisted and convinced me. It was a nice experience at first but after a few days there I was bored as fuck with no tv, no internet, no video games, and just seeing my cousins 24h a day.<...

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Introducing a Friend Who Says Whatever He's Thinking

"I'd like you to meet a friend of mine."

"How do you do?"

"You want a Big Mac or Whopper that's been in my butt?"

"What the hell is wrong with your friend?"

"Oh, don't mind him. He just has ass burgers."

I'm having trouble introducing this mendicant who's trying to sell roses, can you come help me out?

Only you can present florist friars.

I always get told off when introducing my wife...

Apparently, the label 'ex-girlfriend' is highly inappropriate.

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

I'm a foot fetishist and I cheated on my wife while she was introducing me to her friends.

I must've got off on the wrong foot...

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