Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

Host: Which string instruments are commonly used in Latin music?

Guest: Violins?

Host: "Violins" is not the answer.

What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

Accordion to a recent study...

Replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected,

Why do brass instruments have huge holes at the front of them?

So you can have sax with them.

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

What do you call an ape who has a fondness for brass woodwind instruments?

A Saxquatch

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

Nowadays there's too many musical instruments

It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV

There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments.

YouTuba.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a bowel problem one day and goes to see his proctologist.

"What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor

"Well, ever since the Packers got that bad ref call during yesterday's game, my gut has been acting up"

"Bad ref call?" Replied the doctor, while preparing his instruments. "I was watching that game too, but it didn't look bad at all!"<...

I saw a new music shop in town that only services instruments made between the years 1600 and 1750.

"If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It"

There are only two instruments mentioned in the Bible

Trumpets and saxophones when they mention the "wailing of the damned"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

The donkey once asked the Persian horse: "Do you play any instruments?" The horse replied:

"Ney"

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?

It was total bandemonium

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

Why is calcium vital in the brass instruments manufacturing industry?

because calcium helps build trombones.

Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together?

[Banned]

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments

Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will

What do you call a person who hurts instruments?

A sax offender

What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

What did the pilot say while flying in clouds minutes before crashing into a mountain?

Psh, I don't need these instruments, I fly as I CFIT.

(CFIT: controlled flight into terrain - usually pronounced 'see fit')

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

I don't trust Greek instruments.

They're mostly lyres.

Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous

Lyres, all of them

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

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