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Instruments Jokes

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

What's a world famous, four-man rock group that doesn't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

What genre of music has no instruments or lyrics?

Deaf Metal

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments?

An orca-stra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call incels lying about their ability to play musical instruments to impress sexy e-girls?

A simp-phony

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

Where does a zoophile go-to polish his instruments?

In his lab

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

Why do brass instruments have huge holes at the front of them?

So you can have sax with them.

There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments.

YouTuba.

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

Why is calcium vital in the brass instruments manufacturing industry?

because calcium helps build trombones.

A band was about to start a performance, when all of a sudden crazed lunatic rushed onstage, trashed all the instruments, tore everything apart, and ran off.

It was disconcerting.

What do you call a person who hurts instruments?

A sax offender

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

The donkey once asked the Persian horse: "Do you play any instruments?" The horse replied:

"Ney"

Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous

Lyres, all of them

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Copper instruments make the symphony sounds so much better than brass.

Copper is a much better conductor.

I like musical instruments that you blow into. They're pretty...

*Breathtaking*

I saw a new music shop in town that only services instruments made between the years 1600 and 1750.

"If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It"

What instruments should be featured in a rogue AI's music band?

Just Harmonika

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments?

It became an a cappellago.

I asked my priest which musical instruments he plays.

"Mostly just piano," he replied, "but when I'm at work I sometimes dabble with a little organ."

Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?

It was total bandemonium

A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments.

I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar.

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

I'm planning on opening a store that sells string instruments for children.

I'm calling it 'Kiddie Fiddlers'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Skrillex used to play string instruments in the orchestra,

until he dropped the bass.

What happened when the musician gave all the soldiers instruments instead of guns?

There was no war, just alot of violins

After hearing me sing, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

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