What do you get when you throw a piano on a child?

A flat minor.

Why do piano players make great lovers.?

They get the fingering right.

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano, but you cant tuna fish.

What’s brown and smelly and sits on a piano stool?

Beethoven’s last movement

A lawyer died and was so big they almost had to bury him in a piano case.

Instead they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest...

...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?

A luxury boat sank and a passenger was holding on to a floating piano...

All of a sudden, someone floats by sitting atop a floating cello and asks: “ May I accompany you?”

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

Our neighbors dog would often play the piano

His Bach was worse than his bite

Jabba the Hutt hosts a piano playing competition.

So, several hundred musicians from across many galaxies gather in order to compete. Jabba is also competing, of course, and the song he picks to play is the Faerie's Aire. Now, he gets cybernetic implants just so he can play a complicated piece, but he believes that his piece alone played at a fairl...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

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The piano playing in “Eyes Wide Shut” may be the most unnerving thing I’ve ever heard...

...and I’ve heard my parents having sex

Why couldn't bach play the piano?

It was baroque

During my piano recital, some of the black keys stopped working.

It was a flat out disaster.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

What do you call a red-head playing the piano by themselves in worn out shoes?

A soulless sole-less soloist.

I can’t believe I was late to my own piano recital.

I just couldn’t find my keys

You can tune a piano...

but you can't Salmon Mandela.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

One popular feminine symbol of true romance is roses on a piano.

Most masculine ideas of romance include tulips on an organ.

Local man killed by falling piano

It will be a low key funeral.

If you power a piano with a cable...

...does it have a chord?

I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me.

Can't wait till this cruise is over.

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[NSFW] A pent-up piano player in a restaurant goes off and masturbates...

His boss finds him in the stall and screams at him, “Get the hell back out there, you got a job to do!”

So he rushes back out, and someone comes up to him and says “Do you know you have cum in your hair and your dick is hanging out?”

And he says, “No, but if you hum a few bars I’m sure...

What Russian piano note never gets played?

Dusty F key

A young boy is asked by his teacher what his parents do for a living

“Well my mother is a psychologist and my dad plays the piano in a brothel” the boy replies

The teacher, shocked by the father’s profession
calls the parents to ask them about the young boy’s comment.

When the parents arrive, the father apologised to the teacher saying “I’m sorry I...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a free drink if I show you something amazing?"

The bartender agrees so he pulls out a tiny piano, a frog and a hamster. The hamster starts playing the piano and the frog starts singing Adele. As the bartender gets him his drink a punter asks him "how much for the singing frog?" The man replies "I'll sell him for £100 if you want?" And the punter...

What is the difference between a tuna, a piano and a pot of glue?

You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna.












Wait what about the glue?

Aha I knew you’d get stuck on that!

A man with broken arms went to see the doctor.

Man: "Can I play piano after my hands are healed?"

Doctor: "Yes you can"

Man: "Amazing, I could not play piano before".

What is the only key a piano can play in after it was dropped down the mine shaft?

Minor B flat

What do you call a snowman that plays piano?

Meltin' John

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sit down on a chair in front of barista and orders a drink.

While barista was preparing drink, he pulls out a 8-inch man from his pocket who has a small piano, and that small guy starts to play a great tune.

Surprised, the barista asks the man, "Where did you...

I like Elton John. Brilliant on the piano

Sucks on the organ tho.

When I was younger, I used to want to play the piano so badly

Turns out I’m a natural

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An unemployed piano player walks into a bar

He speaks to the owner who says, you're in luck, we're looking for a piano player right now! How about you play a couple of songs for me.

Happy to! I write all my own stuff!

The piano player sits down and plays the first tune.

Owner: that was fantastic! What do you call that one...

If a professional piano player is a pianist..

..then a professional race player is a racist?

*rap musicians scurrying about*

What happens when a piano falls down a mine shaft?

A miner B flat

What happens when a piano falls on an army base?

A major B flat

A man walk into a bar with a bag

The bartender says: “what’s in there”
The man replies: “I can’t tell you”
This continues for a while but the man never tells the bartender.

Eventually, the bartender says: “If you show me, I’ll give you a free drink”
“Ok”, the man replies and opens the bag. He takes out a tiny man an...

A man nearly 7ft tall walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. After finishing his drink he walks off to use the bathroom. He comes out, seemingly unaware that his fly is down and sits down at a piano and begins to play.

A woman walking past looks down at the man while he plays and exclaims "why, thats the biggest piani...

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

...

What’s worse than a skunk on a piano?

A diseased beaver on your organ

I miss my old piano teacher...

My old piano instructor said to me, "You've damaged my piano for the last time! I won't teach you anymore!"

I found a new teacher. But his piano is missing strings, and worst of all, his damper pedal technique is terrible. I miss my old instructor; she knew when to put her foot down.

What would you call the American Dream if he had an old electric piano?

Dusty Rhodes with a dusty Rhodes.

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The Jazz Pianist

An Michelin star restaurant is looking for a pianist to entertain customers while they dine. The owner has been auditioning for weeks, but has had no luck finding someone suitable. One day, a guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager repli...

Guy 1:"Tell me a bad pun" Guy 2: "Alright What’s the difference between a tuna fish, a piano and a tube of glue" Guy 1: "Ok that last one was random as heck what is the difference"

Guy 2: " you can tuna a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna" Guy 1: "Ok where does the glue come in" Guy 2: “Ah i knew you’d get stuck on that”

TIL The higher you drop a piano, the higher the note that plays when the piano hits the ground

For example, drop it all the way down a mine shaft and it'll hit A minor

A young man stood at the side of the road and hailed a taxi. When he got in, the driver said, "Well, that was perfect timing. You're a lot like Frank." The passenger asks, "Who's Frank?" The taxidriver explains, "Frank Feldman. He also had perfect timing and was always there at just the right time."

"Ok, but nobody's perfect. Everybody makes mistakes once in a while," says the passenger." "No, no, not Frank Feldman!" replies the Taxi driver. "He was great at everything, sports too. If he'd played tennis, he probably would have won Wimbledon. He would have blown pro golfers out of the water as w...

Joke

So a man walked into a bar and said “I’ll take a coffee.” The woman serving asked him to pay and he did. He drank the cup of coffee and thanked the waitress. Then he asked for another. He looked through his pockets and there was no money. She saw it and said, “Money or no coffee.” Which he replied w...

I’ve been teaching myself to play the piano by ear.

It really bruised the side of my head.

A patient gets its eyes checked after cataract surgery

He asks his doctor: “How does it look, doc? Am I able the play the piano?”
Doctor: “It looks all fine. With the right glasses it should be no problem.”
Patient: “That’s amazing, I’ve never played the piano before!”

A Canadian took their keyboard into their clubhouse...

Piano fort, eh?

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A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead.

“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”

The barman beckons the man to one side.

“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”

...

Jim goes into a bar, and see there's only two people there...

the bartender, and a really short man playing the piano. He asks why there's a short man playing the piano, and the bartender says "a few years ago I made a wish with a genie who lives behind my bar. Go and have a word with him".

So Jim goes into the alleyway behind the bar and sees the genie...

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

The F# and C# on my piano don't play.

F#c#.

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

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A Piano Bar Needs a Piano Player NSFW

A man is walking down a busy street in St. Pete and see a chalk board sign out front of a pub that reads “Piano Player Wanted”.

The man walks into the bar and it’s empty other than the bar owner setting up chairs in front of the stage with a piano on it. The owner says “sorry sir we don’t o...

A joke I made on the spot to my piano teacher

Me: Hey, so by the way, I’m not going to be able to come to practice April 4th, I got a robotics meeting that day (I actually did have that, this wasn’t just added in for me to make the joke)

Piano teacher: Alright, no problem, let me just write that down.

Me, in a stroke of genius: I ...

The Piano..

MY parents recently retired. Mum always wanted to learn to play the piano, so Dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. “Oh, we returned the piano,” said my dad. “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead.” “How come?” I asked. “Because,” he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?

Your mom’s pussy doesn’t smell like a piano.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

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There once was a man who played the piano in a restaurant every weekend.

There once was a man who played the piano in a restaurant every weekend. All his songs had no words but they all had names that were extremely rude. The restaurant manager found out their names but told him not to tell them to anyone because he was a very good piano player.

One night he was p...

My grandad commited suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano.

He didn't leave a note.

Why was the piano teacher arrested?

He kept fingering A minor.

A woman is like a piano

When she's not upright, she's grand.

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

Why does Spongebob own such a huge piano?

Because he lives in a pineapple under the C.

Making love to a beautiful woman is just like playing the piano

I don’t have a clue how to do either.

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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

A woman walks into a coffee shop and sees a person with a tiny man a tiny piano and a tiny stool

The woman asks the man where did you get that, and the man replys saying that there is a genie out back. The woman decides to check for the genie, while she's walking to the back she's thinking about what she will wish for and decides she will wish for 100 bucks. When she gets to the back she wishes...

A guy walks into a bar with a briefcase

He sets the briefcase down on the bar and opens it. He pulls a tiny piano out and sets it on the bar and a 1 ft tell man steps out and starts playing the piano. The bartender says "thats amazing! where did you get him?" The man says "from my genie." The bar tender asks "like a any 3 wishes kinda gen...

A man is at a bar when he hears some piano music coming from behind the bar

The man asks the bartender: “where is that wonderful music coming from?”

The Barman replies by pulling out a tiny man and placing him in the table

“How did you get him? “

“Well I found a genie, here try it out.”

All right then! I wish for a million bucks!

Suddenly ...

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NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

Do you remember the joke I told you about the piano movers spine?

It was about a week back

A guy walks into a bar. As he is walking up to the bar he notices a twelve-inch man playing the piano,

So he asks the bartender “What’s that all about?” motioning to the dwarf,

The bartender told him he would tell him later. So the guy orders a drink. The bartender says,

“Before you get a drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.”

“Okay,” said the guy. He wa...

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

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