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Ethic Jokes

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

Playing Legend of Zelda has really improved my work ethic

My boss says that I'm "Hylian Efficient."

I pirated an ethics textbook.

I'll find out if I did the right thing soon enough.

I don't have a Protestant work ethic...

I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don’t work... but I do feel very guilty about it.

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

In Schrodinger's time, was it considered ethical to use live cats in physics experiments?

Well -- it was and it wasn't.

Mike Tyson has written a book on Ethics in Massachusetts

If it's a success, he's going to write books on the other counties.

I have a bullet like work ethic

I perform like I have just been fired

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An Ethical Dilemma

You are playing in the club championship knockout final and the match was all square at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple 7 iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it de...

Cloning ethics question.

Cloning yourself and pushing your clone off a cliff to its death is probably a crime, but what crime is it?

Is it murder?

Suicide?

Or making an obscene clone fall?

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What do you call the the Head of the Washington D.C. Financial Ethics Board?

>!They would be the Capitol Capital Principle Principal!<

Never F#@k With Oldies...

“Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
...

Law Professor: “You’re currently failing your ethics course.”

Me: _slides a $20 note across the table_ “How about now?”
Professor: _pockets the note_ “Still failing.”
Me: “OK, can I have my $20 back?”
Professor: “What $20?”

It was to be the biggest scientific press conference of the decade.

Geneticist Rick Hallorann spoke to the crowds of reporters, camera flashes illuminating his face.

"The time has finally come for the first human cloning experiment to be performed," he began. "The technology for us to clone humans has been around since the eighties - but only now, after plent...

What did the Ethics Professor say to the Art Major?

You have to draw the line somewhere!

Teacher: Please provide the ethical definition of copying.

Student:

From one person it's cheating.

From many people it's research.

An Attorney's Ethical Dilemma

So this young attorney was visiting with his client, an elderly woman, when she gets up to leave, while reaching for her walking cane, a $100 bill falls out of her purse onto the floor and she hobbles out without noticing. So the young attorney is faced with a serious professional ethics dilemma, d...

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I'd kill for a good work ethic....

...But I just can't be arsed.

What do my girlfriend and ethical capitalism have in common?

They don't exist

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An attractive lady is at her doctor's

She's lying on her back on the examination couch, her blouse undone and looks up into his eyes and says, "Kiss me doctor,"
"No I can't, " replied the doctor.
"Oh go on, kiss me, kiss me," she insists,
"No it's out of the question," said the doctor,
"Why's that?" She asks disappointedly.<...

From a professional ethics exam for lawyers

You are a young lawyer. An old woman comes to you to get a will. After you're done she hands you an envelope with cash as payment. When you count the money you notice that she mistakenly put 100$ too much on the envelope. What do you do with the extra money?

A: Keep the money yourself

...

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[NSFW] Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Is it ethical to consume a ghost?

I don’t want to eat something if it will come back to haunt me

Question from a Legal Ethics Law School Final Exam

A potential client comes into John's office and says he has been out of jail for 3 years and wants to check to make sure he is now officially off probation. John agrees to investigate. He tells the client it will cost him $100 if the matter can be handled with a simple phone call but he will have ...

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A man got fired from his job

A man got fired from his packaging job at a produce factory. Comes home and wife asksed how it happened.
He: I was feeling hot, so I stuck my dick into the pickle slicer.
She: Oh no! Is your dick ok?
He: Yeah, my dick is fine. They fired me for some workplace ethics rule.
She: And what a...

When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.

I take the path of least resistance.

Lawyers' Ethical Dilemma

When a client gives you two hundred dollar bills stuck together from the bank machine to pay a $100 bill, do you tell your law partner?

Morals and ethics

Little Mick came home from school one day quite perplexed. 'Dad, the teacher was telling us about morals and ethics today and I still don't understand the difference. What is it?'

'Well son, you know that I am a solicitor so let me explain with an example. Let's say that old Mrs Murphy comes ...

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

It is far more ethical to eat animals than plants

Animals have a chance to escape

For ethical reasons I started to only eat vegetables

surprisingly their meat doesn't taste that bad!

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Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.

I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.

An Ethical Objectivist, a Relativist, and a Nihilist walk into a bar...

The Ethical Objectivist orders water, the Relativist orders a glass of wine and the Nihilist steals a beer. The Ethical Objectivist is appalled at the Nihilist, and is upset the two are drinking. The Relativist says, “Don’t worry. You aren’t guilty by association.” The Nihilist shrugs and says, “I w...

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Do you know why they call it a blowjob?

... so it sounds like it has a sort of work ethic attached to it! It makes you feel like you did something useful for the economy!

\- George Carlin

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

What do you get when you cross an orca with a housecat?

An angry ethics committee and your grant revoked.

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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. As he rested afterwards, he felt a bit guilty...

He thought it wasn't ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel much better until another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably ...

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

The ultimate catch-22.

My boss said I need to improve my work ethic.

I told him I'd work on it.

White house

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A tourist.

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

What's the difference between a Cardassian and a Kardashian?

One is a vicious, opportunistic race, bent on subjugation and domination through whatever insidious and ethically-questionable means they have at hand.

The other is a fictional race from Star Trek.

Eating dogs is frowned upon….

…not just for medical and ethical reasons, but because the meat is also a little ruff.

What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale?

Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.

$100 Bills Stuck Together

An old lady was getting her will redone at her lawyer's office and paying her bill. Unknown to her there were two $100 bills stuck together. Right away the lawyer thinks to himself, 'Hmm I got an ethical problem'.
'Do I tell my partner'.

What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig?

A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

The effects of COVID-19 on Trump

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany said “President Trump remains in good spirits, has mild symptoms, and has been working throughout the day.”

Who'd have guessed COVID-19 would improve Trump's work ethic?

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This isn’t a hotel...

Back when I lived with my dad my brother and I were strictly raised to have good manners. Old fashioned manners. For instance when we had our grandparents over we were to set the table and clear the table including everyone's dishes. If we ever asked dad or anyone else to help out we always got the ...

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

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Clones are people too...

A research scientist at a large corporate laboratory developed a method to clones humans. Unfortunately, the ethics review board would not allow him to experiment on humans. So he decided to clone himself in secret. He was also able to accelerate the aging process so within a short time, the clone w...

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Paddy goes to a work seminar.

Paddy is attending a seminar on ‘work ethic’.


In the room is a bloke called Max, a carriage clock and a dwarf mother of three.


‘Right Paddy,’ the dwarf says, ‘Max & I are going to demonstrate some examples of our attitude to work. Afterwards we’d like you to show us an exam...

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Patient: Doctor please kiss me!

Doctor: I am sorry, I can’t! My code of ethics forbids me to kissing my patients. Honestly speaking we should not be having sex either.

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<...

A Defendant in a Lawsuit . . .

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stu...

Plato and Aristotle were in the music room of the Academy in Athens.

Plato was at the piano, and Aristotle was holding a small lute in his hands.

“Plato, do you know the unpredictability and exactitude of ethics and reflective philosophical hermeneutics require phronesis as an ontological counterpoint to peripatetic conjecture?”

“No,” Plato replied. “Bu...

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Today I received a message from Facebook

Fb : we would appreciate if you signed this petition

Me: what is it about ?

Fb: it’s about your continued faith in Facebook during these troubled times and requesting the govt not to put any sanctions

Me: you assholes stole our private information and sold it to others
...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well first thousands sign a petition that the lightbulb needs to be changed, because it is using its ideology to change the room. The room was much better after the previous light bulb and we are going to go back to that. The lightbulb is a cunt. LIGHTBULB IS A CUNT. ITS ABOUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND ...

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The Horse Joke (long)

So there are two racehorses.

A young racehorse and an old racehorse.

The young racehorse is about to run his first race and the old racehorse is undefeated going into his last race.

The old racehorse goes over to the young racehorse and says "Hey, you're a really fast runner. Y...

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Reasons why God never got tenure at the university.

1. He had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he...

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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