A girl told me to blow my load on her face...

But when I tried, it just dribbled out and she started laughing.

I said "Hey! Don't make fun of my shortcomings."

The Old Man and the Burdensome Load

An old man was tasked with carrying a bundle of sticks from his home to the next town over, and it was a terrible task. The bundle was very heavy, and the journey was many miles through harsh terrain. After many days, he could bear it no longer. His feet were blistered, his throat was dry, and he wa...

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astou...

Three Guys are on an private jet when the pilot says they need to lighten their load.

They all agree to drop one item each. The first man drops an empty briefcase, the second man drops a beach towel, and the third man drops a live grenade. The flight continues as normal and the three men decide to visit the area where they dropped their items to see if any damage was done.

Soo...

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cain, son of Adam, had a shit load of responsibilities.

Aside from being a farmer Cain was supposed to murder his brother and do a whole slew of other shit so that future generations could learn from his mistakes. The lord felt pity for Cain’s workload and assigned another human to shoulder some of the load. He called him co-cain. Co-cain helped him get ...

There are loads of jokes about white sugar, but the ones about brown sugar…

demerara

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old prospector was coming back from town with his mule.

An Old prospector was coming back from town and he was leading his pack mule loaded with supplies down a winding valley road. A young gunslinger was riding his horse on the mountain Crest watching the old timer. He thought to himself I'm going to go down there and mess with that old man.
The youn...

A guy walks into a bar with a fully loaded AK47

He yelled 'Which one of you slept with my wife last night?'

There was pin-drop silence for 10 seconds before a guy at the back said 'Mate you're gonna need more bullets than that'

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion and mind control is a load of boring shit.

Turned it off after just five seasons.

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, and the other a load of blue paint.

All the passengers were marooned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home from work

Where he finds his wife loading suitcases into a taxi cab. Confused, he asks her what she is doing. She tells him, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas." Even more confused he asks, "Why? What's in Las Vegas?". His wife responds and says, "I heard I can make $300 for a blowjob there."

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

What did the assassin say as he loaded a poison dart into his blowpipe?

Hemlocked and loaded

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor poor William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Ea...

My gaming friends told me if I posted here today I'd get loads of upvotes...

But the cake is a lie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

An ice fishing joke never before posted here.

Billy Bob and his family decided to go ice fishing. So they loaded up all their tackle and headed up north and found a lake where they could go ice fishing with a tackle shop nearby in case they needed anything. When they got there the man behind the counter said they'd need ice picks for breaking t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and load conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My porn star girlfriend is on this new diet.

She eats loads.

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside.

A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.

The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"

"It's hard to say."
.
. ...

A website walks into a gun store

A website walks into a gun store and gets loaded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding night confessions

Husband: “Honey I have to confess, I’ve slept with loads of prostitutes before I met you!”

Wife: “I just knew l’d seen you somewhere before!!”

Why are there so many Italian guys named “Tony”?

Because when they were loaded onto a ship from Italy, they stamped their foreheads with “To: NY”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are both awaiting interviews for top secret jobs within the CIA

The interviewer asks the husband to step into his office first.

"I need to know that you will do anything we ask, with no hesitation." he tells the husband as he hands him a handgun.

"Walk out into the waiting room and shoot your wife."

He looks at the gun for a second, hands it...

A couple old ladies went to a baseball game.

They brought a bottle of vodka to help pass the time during America's pastime. At the bottom of the fifth, the bags were loaded.

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a dryer?

A dryer doesn't follow your around for nine months trying to get spun after you put a load in it.

What do you call it when you bust a load on a librarian’s face?

Book-kake

Farmer Browns pigs

Farmer Brown has a bunch of pigs that are all female. He decides to breed them to increase the size of his herd. So he calls his friend farmer Jones and asks if he can bring his sows over to mate with farmer Jones' boars. Farmer Jones agrees, so next morning, farmer Brown loads all his pigs into ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farm hand guy and a blond farm girl.

The guy decides to piss in the bushes but sees some bees in the flowers, he pisses on them, and one stings him in the dick. He runs into the house in pain, opens the fridge to find something cold and soothing, settles on a yogurt container and sticks his dick in.

As he's standing there he not...

I know absolutely LOADS about the Dunning-Krueger effect

I probably know even more than Mr Dunning-Krueger himself

Loose load

a trucker in Newfoundland stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the s...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

When John Kerry was running for Vice President he told Drew and Jim to load his baggage onto his plane until he got back. Then he forgot about them.

The Carey's carry on carrying on Kerry's carry-ons.

So my dad died last year

We were in a car accident and my dad lost loads of blood. EMT came onto the scene but nobody could remember what his blood type is in time for them to give him a transfusion.

Even as he died, Dad kept telling us to "Be positive" but it's hard without you here Dad. Hope you're in a better plac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 2)

It's the second day of interviews for the position at the CIA. The three men are ready for their next step.

The interviewers take the first man into the interrogation room where the is someone tied to a chair with a hood over their face. They say "This is a practical task designed to test you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the chronic masturbator's computer crash?

There was too much load on the CPU.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, What seems to be the problem, moth?

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

What did the Greeks say after Constantinople was taken by the Turks?

What a load of Istanbull

[Long] I was working the register of a pharmacy when a woman came up to me asking for breath mints.

I pointed her to the candy aisle and told her they were about halfway down on the left.

She said that she'd been down there already, and that all of the mints had loads of sugar in them, and if she them they'd make her hyper and overly excited.

I had never heard of anyone getting too e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof,
falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel
so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze.


The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to
a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the...

Apparently the police have been going to a load of house parties as lockdown rules are getting implemented.

Ridiculous, one rule for us and another for them.

A bus load of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.

The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down. Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus ... Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had ...

A Cemetery Worker Was Moving A Pallet of Tombstones Through The Yard.

When he turned the corner, the load shifted causing all of the Tombstones to fall and break. A bystander who didn't see what happened but heard it described it as, "the second biggest Graveyard Smash he'd ever heard."

I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?"

They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

A blonde moves out to the country....

A blonde moves out to the countryside because she's tired of people in the city assuming she's dumb because of her hair color. She dyes her hair brown, packs up, and moves out. On her way to her new house she passes a shepherd with a herd of sheep. Eager to start her new life, she pulls over and pos...

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’

Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sporting Chance

Mr Corporate Businessman thinks his wife may be having an affair, so one day he decides to go home early to confirm his suspicions.

Sure enough, he finds his wife in bed with a fit, young tradesman.

Shocked but without hesitation, he calmly heads to his wardrobe to reveal a fully loade...

I always keep a loaded gun on my night stand in case there’s an intruder

That way, I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

Last September my wife asked me to put a load in the dishwasher.

So long story short, happy fathers day to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Catholics and a coach load of Jews all arrive at the same church

There was mass confusion.

So I've been watching Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare clips, but one video wouldn't load

There was a problem with the server

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW)

You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.

A Duck with two broken wings walks into a bar and orders a big take out of beer and wine. The Barman, puzzled, said " How are supposed to carry this load and pay for it ? " The Duck said..

...Put them on my Bill.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

My mom told me to load the dish washer.

So I got her pregnant.

What does a man strapping down a load in his truck and this joke have in common?

You look at it and say, “That’s not going anywhere.”

A clergyman was walking and saw a farmer loading hay and struggling with the work.

"you look tired son,take a rest" he said.
No,my father would hate that" he replied
"Don't be silly, everyone needs a break sometimes. Come take some cold water" the clergyman replies.
Again the farmer declined. This continues for about two minutes, until the clergyman says "your father must...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week.

An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week. As a way to say thanks to the community, he offers to take down and rebuild a brand new deck at the bar. The bar owner, who practically lives at the bar day-in day-out, doesn't want t...

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours

What do you do if you put a load in the dishwasher that's too big?

Pray she makes it to the bathroom rather than drip on the bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 boys met a genie on a cliff

The genie promise them each a wish.

They are to shout out their wish while they jump down the cliff. The further they can jump, the more they will get from their wish.

The first boy ran and jumped while shouting "Money!!"
As he landed on the ground, a load of money fell from the sk...

Car rides and plane rides are just like video game loading screens if you think about it.

Most of the time they both take way too long.

Why should you always keep a loaded firearm in the small room by your front door?

Foyer protection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a load of bull

So, there was this bovine just chilling on a field, eating grass and then he met the love of his life. Later, they had a son. Now this son of theirs was very precious to them. They would always give him the best patch of grass to eat from. Later, this younger bovine went to high school. In this hig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Murder at 1600

A man calls home to tell his wife that he’ll be late because he will be in a meeting until late.

Ring ring..

Maid: Hello

Man: Hello this is John, can you please ask your Madam to talk to me right now?

Maid: uh Sir, unfortunately she can’t right now. Can i ask her to call...

I know loads of jokes about cash machines.

I just can't think of any ATM.

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

Was doing renovations on a house...

... And found a wall with a glory hole in it. I was going to tear it down, but it's load bearing.

Did you hear about the terrorist who strapped bombs loaded with Coronavirus to his chest?

He blew up and went viral.

I moved her panties to the side as I dumped my huge load of white...

clothes into the washing machine.

What do you do when your GF is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Toss in a load of laundry with her. Save four quarters.

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pimp say to the prostitute?

He sees someone coming through the door and he turns to the prostitute and says "get a load of this guy"

A man goes into a Pharmacist and asks for some silicon dioxide

The Pharmacist says "we don't sell that".

He replies "But you have loads in the window"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a loaded six-shot revolver. He yells: "Which one of you bastards slept with my sister?"

One man laughs and replies: "You ain't got enough bullets!"

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

Two hillbillies were sipping shine on the front porch

When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.

“I’m a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery” announced hillbilly #1.

“Do wuuuut?” Asked hillbilly #2.

“Send my lawn out to git mowed.”

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

What did Noah say when he finished loading all the animals?

"Now I've herd everything."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genius Kid

An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.


"Where are you going?" asks the old man

"To catch some ducks" says the kid

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
...

I have loads of pick up lines about unemployed people...

Unfortunately, none of them work

I just swallowed a load of scrabble tiles

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!

I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters.

Dunkirk?

Yea, did all of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son asked me to help with his homework the other day.

The question he was stuck on was, "Give two ways to prevent pregnancy.”

After telling him what to write | was confident he would be getting top marks.

According to his teacher though, "fucking her up the shitter," and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers.

The price of lumber has gone up so much...

That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?

You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At work today my boss told me to put a load into the dishwasher (NSFW)

He wasn't clear enough, I ended up fucking the maid.

Its a myth that people dont kiss in elementary school, i kissed loads of girls

I miss being a teacher

A man is driving down the road when he sees flashing lights up ahead.

It transpires a lorry load of penguins has turned over. The police are frantically trying to herd the penguins off the road to safety.

As he arrives at the scene he sees an officer with a penguin under each arm. He rolls down the window and says, "Officer is there anything I can do to help?" ...

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

Google just test fired the first fully automated rifle ever made, but it jammed on the first shot!

While going through the diagnostics R&D figured out the problem: ERR 404, GUN FAILED TO LOAD.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.