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At work today my boss told me to put a load into the dishwasher (NSFW)

He wasn't clear enough, I ended up fucking the maid.

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors. He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel had hit John after he jumped out of the tractor. He was scarred, physically and mentally and absolutely ...

I was going to buy a load of whey protein powder today.

It's always better to buy it in bulk.

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What’s the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?

You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.)

A guy walks in a bar with a full-loaded six shooter

He says:"who slept with my wife"
It's silent
Than somebody in the back says
"You don't have enough bullets"

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’

Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

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A man walks into a bar with a loaded six-shot revolver. He yells: "Which one of you bastards slept with my sister?"

One man laughs and replies: "You ain't got enough bullets!"

Put a load in the dishwasher earlier

My wife prefers to call it intercourse

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

Its a myth that people dont kiss in elementary school, i kissed loads of girls

I miss being a teacher

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin...

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

A wife was cleaning their sons bedroom, She finds loads of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?

The husband answers "I'm no expert but we definitely shouldn't spank him"

A man loads burden onto his donkey and says...

Eukaryote.

Man, my neighbors are really into lighting off loads of 4th of July fireworks...

It sounds like a school outside.

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

Why didn't the sperm donor have any free time?

Because he had loads to do.

I ate a load of of licorice at bedtime and had some very strange nightmares.

What were you dreaming about?



All sorts.

The accident

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, B...

A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” ...

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl c...

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There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

I just swallowed a load of scrabble tiles

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

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I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume”

What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite

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I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake.

Turns out it was a big load of bullshit.

What was the first thing michael jackson did when he loaded into a new minecraft world

He punched a tree-ee

Over a year ago, I left a full load in my friends dishwasher when I stayed at his home.

Lucky me, he’s the father.

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

A truck loaded with Vicks vapor rub overturned on the highway

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little...

Finished putting a load in the dishwasher when I thought to myself..

She’s on the pill right?

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

I have loads of jokes about unemployed people...

But none of them work.

A man and a nun

A man suffered a serious heart attack . The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a cl...

I heard that my cow just got pregnant!

But it turns out that it was just a load of bull!

I know loads of jokes about cash machines

I just can't think of one atm.

What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it?

Ambu-Lance Armstrong

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder.

Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?”

Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”

Why do women make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them a full load, and they take 9 months to deliver.

My friend is a frequent sperm donor

Get a load of this guy

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

I Just spent a load of money and, made my valentine the happiest ever!

I'm glad I can post this here. Where's my lotion.

An englishman, a scotsman, and an irishman are on a plane loaded with cargo....

As the plane's flying, the pilot shouts to them that they'll have to throw some stuff out or they're going to crash. The englishman throws out a load of roses, the Scotsman throw out a load of haggis, and the irishman throws out a bomb.

They manage to land safely and as they're walking away, ...

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't spit my load out when it's done

Not sure if pickup lines are appropriate here, but: Are you a top-heavy dump truck?

‘Cause you look unstable but I wanna drop my dirty load in you.

I've saved loads of money this Christmas.

I walked out on the wife and kids.

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

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Dave’s driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls.

He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.



When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there’s hardly standing room anywhere.

Banta scans the place a couple...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

I found a nice and clean public toilet

Unfortunately, it had a sign saying 'Please leave this toilet as you would expect to find it', so I had to shove a load of paper down the bowl and break the door lock.

I saved loads of money on my car insurance today.

I ran away from the scene of the accident.

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

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I tried the worlds most expensive coffee,

It was a load of shit.

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins.

What a turtle disaster!

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

I treat everyday like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, don't run and load up on carbs.

My Laundry Timeline

Load the washer: 5 minutes

Wash cycle: 30 minutes

Dryer cycle: 50 minutes

Put clothes away: 7-10 business days

A wife is clearing out her closet

And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”

The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”

And the husband says “darli...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

As a doctor, I get a load of stupid questions.

Just the other day some dumbass came in asking if I can fix his internal bleeding. That’s where the blood is supposed to be, moron!!!!

Late one night this guy is speeding down the empty road.

A cop sees him go flying past so chases him and pulls him over. The cop goes up to the car and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, "Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop looks at h...

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

Went to the zoo and one of the enclosures just had a load of burger buns on the floor.

The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity

Bad, long, and written by Russian who doesn’t know English grammar

Old poor man is traveling on his old camel through the desert under intense heat

His camel had no opportunity to drink for too long, and so it is very tiered.

Then, a caravan of camels loaded with various goods, food and water and leaded by a strong young man catches up with an old m...

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

"There were a load of vowels chasing me home. I checked behind me and they were catching up on me, and they looked really angry, like they wanted to hurt me. I didn't know what to do, dad," said my son.

I said, "OK...Summarize..."


He said, "Yeah, but not many."

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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Secret of long life.

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you." The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The ...

What cleans the dishes, spends most of its life in the kitchen and occasionally takes a load from the husband...

A dishwasher

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

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What do porn actresses say to each other when they see a hot new hunk on set?

Get a load of that guy!

Dropped my phone in a load of mayo

What the Hellmann

A Mexican dock worker is loading a ship...

A Mexican dock worker is loading a boat with a shipment of French cuisine, when his boss happens to walk by. The boss asks, "hey, what's that you're loading over there?"

The dock worker replies, "Es cargo."

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

An 18-wheeler spilled a load of strawberry preserves on the interstate today

It was a real traffic jam

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I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.

"I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probabl...

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I know this very wealthy cracker ass cracker. His pockets are just loaded with cheddar. His ignant ass always yelling...

I’M RITZ, BITS!

I opened my birthday card and a load of rice fell out

I know exactly who sent it. It was my Uncle Ben.

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

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Fellow shoppers enthralled by new diet...

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Sainsbury's and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the h...

The CIA is testing recruits

Out of more than 300 who aspired to become elite special agents only three made it to the final test: Two men and a woman. During weeks in which they reached and exceeded physical and psychological limits they proved time and time again that they are better than all others. Now, they are facing the ...

A girl told me to blow my load on her face...

But when I tried, it just dribbled out and she started laughing.


I said "Hey! Don't make fun of my shortcomings."

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Some pervert broke into my house today and jerked off on my wall.

It’s ok though. It was a load bearing wall.

How do you summon a daemon?

$ sudo launchctl load -w /System/Library/LaunchDaemons/ssh.plist

Husband comes home to his wife putting a load into the dishwasher

Husband: "Hey Honey, what are you doing?"

Wife: "Just putting a load into the dishwasher, how about you?"

Husband: "Trying to put a load into the dish washer."

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

Oscar Pistorius

Surely Oscar Pistorius isn't the only guy who's come home legless, and then shot a load into his girlfriend's face while imaging it was someone else?

A husband buys a car for his wife...

So she can run some errands while hes at work. He gets home from work and sees the car parked a couple houses down. He ask the wife:

Husband: Why is the car parked their?

Wife: I went to the grocery store and on the way back, it just stopped. Can you fix it?

Husband: What d...

She was amazing, she always took my load so well

I can't believe that dishwasher broke.

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.

He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.

"Why did you stop me you old fool?"

"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a ...

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An Englishman is delivering four monkeys to Dublin zoo when his van breaks down

Stopped at the side of the road he sees Paddy in an empty van behind him so he flags him down.

“Alright mate, I’m in a spot of bother here, If I give you fifty quid will you bring these monkeys down to the zoo for me?” says the Englishman

“No bother at all, load them up” says Paddy a...

Is it true that pigs bath twice a day?

No, that story is just a load of hogwash.

Why is parking at game companies such an issue?

They have loading zones only.

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