Load Jokes - 109 Hilarious Load Jokes

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
...

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A man walks into a full bar with a loaded gun. He shouts “Who here has been fucking my wife!?”

Everyone in the bar is quiet for a bit, until the bartender says “Mate, you don’t have enough bullets.”

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

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A wife was cleaning their 12-year-old son’s bedroom. When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

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Loaded for Bear.

I was hiking with my boyfriend, when suddenly a really pissed off brown bear started charging at us from across a field. Maybe her cubs were nearby, I don't know, but I've never seen such a crazed bear in my life!
Luckily I had my derringer hand gun with me, and pulled it out.
My boyfrie...

Losing his load

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the t...

A man walks into a sperm bank

The doctor says "get a load of this guy"

I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

what is it called when you load a baby into a gun?

infantry

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Load of balls

While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the waiter.

‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the local bu...

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A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your...

A truck loaded with Vicks vaporub overturned on the highway

amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

Dropped my phone in a load of mayo

What the Hellmann

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Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

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It was a small load...

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
...

I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way fro...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

It’s statistically proven that having a ladder in your home is more dangerous than a loaded gun

that’s why I have 12 guns in case some maniac tries to sneak a ladder in here

A girl told me to blow my load on her face...

But when I tried, it just dribbled out and she started laughing.

I said "Hey! Don't make fun of my shortcomings."

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, and the other a load of blue paint.

All the passengers were marooned.

Dropping a load on the washer

Has a totally different meaning if you have an appliance fetish.

Employee on NSFW Sites...

Boss: What have you been working on the last few hours?

Employee: A graphic display of convergent asynchronous load distribution.

Boss: The tracker flagged you on bukkake sites.

Employee: I stand by my previous statement.

The Old Man and the Burdensome Load

An old man was tasked with carrying a bundle of sticks from his home to the next town over, and it was a terrible task. The bundle was very heavy, and the journey was many miles through harsh terrain. After many days, he could bear it no longer. His feet were blistered, his throat was dry, and he wa...

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Trucker is hauling a load of bowling balls to New York

A truck driver is hauling a load of black bowling balls to New York. He sees two chimpanzees riding bicycles on the side of the road so he stops to give them a lift. He doesn’t have room in the cab so he puts them and the bikes in the tractor trailer.

While driving through a rural town he is...

What do you call a machine gun loaded with tranquilizers?

A Snuzi

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the far...

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

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Two men and a woman are going to hitman school…

… and their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”

The guy says “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”

The ...

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

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Cain, son of Adam, had a shit load of responsibilities.

Aside from being a farmer Cain was supposed to murder his brother and do a whole slew of other shit so that future generations could learn from his mistakes. The lord felt pity for Cain’s workload and assigned another human to shoulder some of the load. He called him co-cain. Co-cain helped him get ...

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What’s the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?

You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.)

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins.

What a turtle disaster!

Apparently loads of people turned away from voting for Trump coz he wanted to ban shredded cheese

He wanted to Make America Grate again.

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Just a load of bull

So, there was this bovine just chilling on a field, eating grass and then he met the love of his life. Later, they had a son. Now this son of theirs was very precious to them. They would always give him the best patch of grass to eat from. Later, this younger bovine went to high school. In this hig...

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.

I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

I just swallowed a load of scrabble tiles

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!

I wanted to become a professional sperm donor

I already had my slogan ready: "Wait till you get a load of this guy!"

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 needs a shit load of adapters to work

What’s the difference between my washing machine and my wife?

I don’t have to hug my washing machine after I put a load in it

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

Gordon Freeman recently turned 45 and started buying loads of retro PC gaming equipment.

He was experiencing a Half Life crisis.

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What do you call someone’s belly button when you shoot a load into it?

A kiddie pool

I could see my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load last night...

I could see it in her eyes.

I've got loads of jokes about undelivered letters.

But people just don't get them.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

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Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW)

You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.

Gun loading announcement...

Apparently my local radio station had an announcement on how to load a gun.

But I never got the bulletin.

A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and load conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in ...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

I know loads of jokes about cash machines

I just can't think of one atm.

My mom told me to load the dish washer.

So I got her pregnant.

A guy walks into a bar with a fully loaded AK47

He yelled 'Which one of you slept with my wife last night?'

There was pin-drop silence for 10 seconds before a guy at the back said 'Mate you're gonna need more bullets than that'

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Just an Internet Explorer joke

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

if school was a game, there would be loading screen tips reminding you to

stay behind cover and only move when the enemy is reloading

My gaming friends told me if I posted here today I'd get loads of upvotes...

But the cake is a lie.

What do you call a place with loads of spiders?

Website

A man and his wife retire after working at their respective jobs for 40+ years and settle on a nice ranch out in the country

The wife asks if she can adopt a cat since all of their kids have grown and moved on, so she was having some empty nest syndromes going on

The husband agrees and they adopt a cat from the local shelter

And this woman adored the cat, lavishing all kinds of love onto the animal

Un...

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd l...

Get a load of this guy

Is apparently not accepted pickup line

11% of my life has been spent watching things load

12%

I know absolutely LOADS about the Dunning-Krueger effect

I probably know even more than Mr Dunning-Krueger himself

What do you call it when you bust a load on a librarian’s face?

Book-kake

Last September my wife asked me to put a load in the dishwasher.

So long story short, happy fathers day to me.

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

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I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop,

Or Finding Out He Was In All Of Them

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That new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion and mind control is a load of boring shit.

Turned it off after just five seasons.

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

There are loads of jokes about white sugar, but the ones about brown sugar…

demerara

My team had to play a football game on a pitch that was littered with loads of stones and gravel.

Luckily we still won on aggregate.

What do you do if you put a load in the dishwasher that's too big?

Pray she makes it to the bathroom rather than drip on the bed.

Sam said to Fred, “I put £20 on a horse last week, and he came in at twenty-five to one.”

“Wow! you must be loaded,” said Fred. “Not really,” said George. “The rest of the field came in at twelve-thirty.”

FULLY LOADED

Q: What did the mommy bullet say to the daddy bullet?
A: "We're gonna have a BB!"

So I've been watching Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare clips, but one video wouldn't load

There was a problem with the server

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win da lottery.'

'What's dat,' says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut.'

I've saved loads of money this Christmas.

I walked out on the wife and kids.

She was amazing, she always took my load so well

I can't believe that dishwasher broke.

Finished putting a load in the dishwasher when I thought to myself..

She’s on the pill right?

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters.

Dunkirk?

Yea, did all of them.

What did Noah say when he finished loading all the animals?

"Now I've herd everything."

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

I was going to buy a load of whey protein powder today.

It's always better to buy it in bulk.

A Mexican dock worker is loading a ship...

A Mexican dock worker is loading a boat with a shipment of French cuisine, when his boss happens to walk by. The boss asks, "hey, what's that you're loading over there?"

The dock worker replies, "Es cargo."

I moved her panties to the side as I dumped my huge load of white...

clothes into the washing machine.

As a doctor, I get a load of stupid questions.

Just the other day some dumbass came in asking if I can fix his internal bleeding. That’s where the blood is supposed to be, moron!!!!

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A man walks into a bar with a loaded six-shot revolver. He yells: "Which one of you bastards slept with my sister?"

One man laughs and replies: "You ain't got enough bullets!"

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At work today my boss told me to put a load into the dishwasher (NSFW)

He wasn't clear enough, I ended up fucking the maid.

Load of animals in the back of a lorry..

The cow says "mooooooooove over"

The chicken says "fkaaaf"

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

What does a man strapping down a load in his truck and this joke have in common?

You look at it and say, “That’s not going anywhere.”

I opened my birthday card and a load of rice fell out

I know exactly who sent it. It was my Uncle Ben.

Did you hear about the terrorist who strapped bombs loaded with Coronavirus to his chest?

He blew up and went viral.

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A bus full of Catholics and a coach load of Jews all arrive at the same church

There was mass confusion.

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