UPJOKE
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Did you know Arnold Schwarzenegger is now running a pest management company?

He’s an ex-terminator.

After Arnold Schwarzenegger quit the acting world, he should have started a pest control service

He is an ex-Terminator, after all.

Ukrainian pest control

A Ukrainian and a German are sitting in a bar in Hamelin, the Ukrainian asks if the legend of the pied piper is true. The German says, “not quite” and pull a small mouse out of his pocket. The mouse begins to whistle and march in circles. Rats and mice come out of the all the nooks and crevices in t...

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A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom di...

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

What did the Priest say to the pest control people?

Let's spray.

If Sarah Connor needed pest control...

She can call an Ex-Terminator

I told my wife we had a pest problem.

But, apparently we have to wait until it’s 18 years old to move out.

What's the Difference Between a Pet and a Pest?

You can choose not to feed your pet.

I'm doing a course to become a pest controller. Did really well in my exam today....

Got a bee.

Farmers hired a DJ for pest control

To drop some sick beets

I won’t be posting any jokes over the next few days. I've got to revise for a practical exam in pest control.

I'll probably be up all night swatting.

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

The Terminator got sick of chasing Sarah Connor, so he started a pest control company.

He became an exterminator.

Arnold Schwarzenegger just announced he's giving up the limelight to go back to his first love, pest control.

He's an ex-terminator now.

Did you hear Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick are starting a pest control business?

I mean, it makes sense, they're ex-terminators after all...

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A man cheats with a married woman...

... and they are right in the middle of the act when suddenly they hear the front door opening.

"Quick hide in the bathroom", she says. Desperate but without a better idea he runs to bathroom naked.

The husband enters the bedroom and sees his wife naked in the bed.

"Honey, what...

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked...

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What do you call pasta made by a jamaican sex pest?

Harrastapasta

A customs officer is inspecting fruit for pests....

**Dock Worker:** Do you think there's any bugs in this shipment?

**Officer:** Yeah, I'd even bet that there's an even number of them in there.

**Dock Worker:** ....How can you tell?

**Officer:** Because bugs always come in pears.

Pest Control

There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them ...

Service call

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he sa...

Kanye West

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take...

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What do you call a Hungarian bug in your buttcrack?

A Booty-pest.

What's it called when you take over one half of the capital of Hungary?

Pest control

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A women is cheating on her husband we she hears him returning. "Quick hide!"

The man desperately darted around the room looking for somewhere to hide. Before he could find a good hiding space it was too late, the husband was already making his way up the staircase. Losing all hope the man hid in the bathroom. As soon as the husband arrived in the room he told his wife he goi...

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A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.

So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.

The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so b...

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Why did the Cockroach have to leave the party?

Because he was a pest

Ba dum tsss

I’m so sorry...

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3 Quick Ones

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorr...

“Fly guy!” the little girl called out to her “fly friends”

Her mother, getting annoyed at the persistent calls, reprimanded her daughter, “They’re not your friends! They are just annoying little pests!”

The little girl looks up at her mother, on the verge of tears, and goes, “No they’re gnat!”

What's the difference between a 19th-century American pioneer and a termite exterminator?

One passes through the good west and the other gasses through the wood pests.

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests, and I woke up to protests outside my house.

# Blackfliesmatter

A fly keeps annoying a spider, which is building his own web.

Annoyed, the spider rages: "Screw off 'ye annoying pest! Once this web is complete, I will catch you, I will tie you up and then dissolve you *while you are alive*!! Just wait until _tomorrow_ when this web is finished!"

The fly, unimpressed by the spider's threats, replies before it flies of...

I saw my friend Jinx yesterday.

I said "Hey, Jinx!". I got no response.
I said, a little louder, "Jinx?". Still no response.
Eventually I decided to be a pest. "Hey Jinx! Yo Jinx! Hi, Jinx! What's goin on Jinx? Heeeey Jinx! Hi Jinx!". She got mad at me, and screamed "I've had enough of your 'hijinks'!"

What do you call a rat that has reached enlightenment?

A Buddha-Pest

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The tenant calls furiously his landlord...

Puzzled by the call, the landlord goes to the tenant's house and knocks the door. As the door opens, he glimpses next to the roof a small fish moving its tail gracefully.

**Tenant**: Oh here you are, how dare to ask such a rent for this crappy house??

**Landlord**: I'm not following yo...

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This Hungarian guy won’t stop asking me for nudes.

What a booty pest.

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A guy with some cockroach-infested bread, an aptitude for puns, and a propensity for spoonerisms walks into a bar.

"I have the pest buns," he says to the barman.

What do you call a Zen master from eastern Europe who's been bugging you all day?

A Buddha Pest.

What do you call a religious termite in Hungary?

Buddha-pest

What do you call a Hungarian insect who won't leave siddhartha alone?

A Buddha-pest.

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A small church became infested with rabbits...

A small church became infested with rabbits. Pest control professionals were called as soon as the problem was discovered, but nothing could stop the rabbits from overtaking first the basement, then the grounds, then the kitchen and offices, and finally the meeting hall. Realizing that nothing could...

A man went to the wishing well.

He wished for a superpower, any superpower at all.

The next day, he accidentally rammed into the wall, biting on the paint. He then dissolved into a sentient puddle, able to cover the places he moved around in paint.

"Whoa!" he said, changing out of that form. He rushed over to bite a...

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