UPJOKE
waspinsectbumblebeehoneyantpollenpollinationbeetlebeehivehoneybeelarvahornetcarpenter beebeeswaxapoidea

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your...

I asked my son, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?!" Exasperated, he replied, "I don't know, what?"

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

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What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies.

What do you call a fat bee?

Chub-bee!

What do you call an even fatter bee?

O-bees!

What kind of bees live in America?

US Bees

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs

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An ant, a bee, and a centipede are holding a party.

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.

10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The bee ...

What do you call a bee that is not welcome in the hive?

Hepatitis B

I went to buy a dozen bees

The beekeeper gave me thirteen.

I said, "Hey, you gave me one too many."

He said, "That's a freebie."

A beekeeper gave me 13 bees instead of 12

“Don’t worry”, she said, “it’s a freebee”

The lifecycle of a male bee.

Male bees die after mating.

That’s basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

What do you call a Coke bottle full of bees?

A redneck vibrator.

Why don't bees go to church?

... because they are in sects

did you know that bees are allergic to pollen?

Because when they get exposed to them they develop hives

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus :(

What bee doesn't fly very well?

Kobe

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

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Male bees die after sex.

If they knew beforehand it would be a total buzzkill.

My girlfriend surprised me when she came home today in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling of honey.

She's a keeper.

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what kind of bee that produce milk

Boobees

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

What do you call a carpenter bee wearing a cape?

A wood-bee hero!

Bee on the Alert!!! 60,000 Giant bees were recently stolen from a farm in Pennslyvania.

Police have a huge sting operation on their hands.

Among the thousands of bees in a hive, how do you spot the Queen?

She's obeese.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A Maybe



....Ba Dum Tss

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

what does a drunk bee say

Nah I'm just a little buzzed

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

What do you say about a bee that isn’t born yet?

To bee or not to bee.

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

I know you’re wondering… why do bees live huddled together in hives?

‘Swarm

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

“Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie.

The bee movie script is a lesser used alternative to a rick roll.

A bee roll if you will.

I asked my father where babies come from. He said son, someday I will tell you about the birds and the bees.

One day I saw a bird eat a bee and never asked again

Bee Gees songs are useful for first aid. Do chest compressions to the rhythm of Staying Alive.

If the CPR fails, it’s time to sing For Whom The Bell Tolls.

Did you know male bees literally die after they make love.

Yep, it's: Honey-Nut-Cherrio!

My insanely clean Canadian Bee Joke.

My bee joke I crafted myself:
*My Canadian Bee Joke*


My Aussie friend Deidre is an Apiarists. She works with bees. Actually she likes to be called Dee.

She was in Canada recently doing research at a university and she said she noticed that when she describes her interactions w...

How do bees let visitors into their apartment building?

They buzzzzz them in.

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One day a man and women were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings while she is golfing.

The pro asks: “where’d you get stung?”

“Between the first and second hole”, she answers.

The pro replied: “your stance is too wide”.

A man walks into an apiary and asks for a dozen bees.

The beekeeper nods and carefully counts out 13 bees. The man realizes this and points it out, "That’s one too many.”

*"No worries. It’s a freebie."*

An Etymologist and an Entomologist enter a spelling bee..

..into a spelling bee

What’s a bee’s favorite haircut?

A buzzcut.

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It always bothered me that my tits are small, so I bought some bees and stored them in glasses.

Now i have bee cups.

If I was to date a girl that's really into bees

She's a keeper

What do you call a completely white bee?

An Albeeno

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Arkhives

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My wife had some tattoos done on the cheeks of her ass.

She said to the tattooist I would like a butterfly on each cheek.

Tattooist says, sorry I can't do butterflies, I can do Bee's though.

So my wife said okay they are nice as well. She came home, dropped her pants turned round and got on all fours to show me.

I said "who the fuck ...

Why did the bee cross its legs?

It was looking for a BP station.

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How do bees have sex?

They do it from BEEhind

A Nun and a Priest get caught in a Storm

They seek shelter for the night in a cabin in the woods. Theres a bed and a pile of blankets and a sleeping bag inside. The Priest is a Gentleman so he lets the nun sleepd in the bed.

After an hour the nun whispers:

"Priest im so cold, can u get me another blanket?"

He gets up...

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Bee Sting

An Australian is having sex with his wife, when a bee flies down and stings her on the pussy. He decides to call the Doctor

Bruce: "G'day Doctor, I was having a root with m' missus and a bee comes down and stings her on the pussy.... what shall I do?"

Doctor: "Bummer......"

Br...

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It’s down to the final two at a championship spelling bee.

The contestant gets up to the microphone and the judge tells him the word is “walk.”

Confused, the contestant asks for a definition.

“To move about or travel on foot for exercise or pleasure.”

The contestant asks for a sentence to confirm what could be his final word was reall...

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

What's the difference between a pervert and a dead bee?

One is a seedy beast and the other is a bee deceased.

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

What do bees say when they get back to the hive?

Honey! I'm home!

Where do bees learn about pollination?

Plant Parenthood.

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What do you call a male bee's private parts?

BEEZ NUTS

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

What do you get when a bee is stuck in a garage ?

Garbage.

Why wouldn’t the bee wake up?

It was in a honeycoma.

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try ...

Bee

A man walked into a pet shop and asked "can I have a bee please"

Shop assistant said "we don't sell bees"

The man replied "there's one in your window"

If you meet a person who own a few thousand bees, marry them.

They're a keeper.

Responsible Bee

What do you call the bee that has to take responsibility for the rest of the bees at the end of the night?



Designated drHiver

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A bear got the habit to steal mead from one bee-garden

Owner doesn't know what to do: as soon as he gets the gun out, bear climbs to a large tree and can't be reached. One day beekeeper sees advertisement in a local paper: will help with any animals. He calls the number, and over an hour hefty man arrives with a shovel and tiny white dog. This is Snowfl...

A bee that won’t stop eating

Will become a little chub-bee

What's the worst thing about carpenter bees and carpenter ants?

They aren't union.

Some bugs are worshipping a false prophet

Imma scare the bee jesus out of them

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A bee landed on a girl's chest at the sex addiction therapy course.

Apparently screaming Boo Bee at her chest was wrong...

What is the difference between a bee from the UK and a bee from the US?

A UK bee carries pollen, the latter carries data.

There once was a bee

He was a very charming and funny bee. But when he saw this beeutiful girl bee, he changed. He got shy when ever she was a around. He couldn’t look her in the eye, or even buzz a few words to her beefore feeling sick. Eventually, he realized that it wasn’t meant to bee, so he gave up on her. He retur...

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What do you call a bee that produces milk?

Boobies...

What did the person with perfect pitch say when their friend stepped on a bee?

That's a b flat

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

Today I brought home a record I found at Goodwill. It was called "Sounds Wasps Make"...

I put it on my record player and thought, "This doesn't sound anything like wasps!" Then I realized I was playing the bee side.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Did you hear about the bee that became a russian spy?

He always was a cagey bee

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Did you know that humans, like elephants have evolved a very specific call to warn others about bees they have encountered?

Want to hear what it sounds like?

-


-



-


“BEES!”

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

What do you call a bee that still moves after you kill it....

A zom-bee

Where do bees go when they want to ride the bus?

A buzz stop!

Bee sting

A husband and wife are out playing golf. At the turn, they decide to go in for a drink and bag of chips. The golf pro looks at them and asks, “how’d you hit ‘em?” The woman replies, “good, but I got stung by a bee between the first and second hole.”

The pro looks at her and says, “then your ...

I was at a beekeeper beauty pageant the other day.

Their slogan was "beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder."

If a man has 1,000 bees, then you should marry him right away.

Trust me, he's a keeper.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

why are bees great at games

they are hard to bee-t

Did you know bees become indecisive after April?

They become maybees.

What does a bee carry its’ larvae in?

A buggy

Little Johnny made it to the final round of the spelling bee.

Proctor: Spell there

Johnny: Can you use it in a sentence?

Proctor: They're having trouble finding their tickets to board that train over there.

Johnny: Can you give me the definition?

This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower?

Hey bud!

Everywhere in the auld country, tales were told of a man named Happy.

Happy wasn’t just a happy-go-lucky kind of fella, he was also the nicest guy you ever would meet. He was polite to everyone. Helped the Shaughnessy twins run their farm after their pa died. Cleared the sidewalks of snow in front of the doctor’s office. Bought Old Lady MacGregor’s cookies when she wa...

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What type of bee's make milk not honey?

Boobies

My 5 year olds favourite joke

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

Who do you call a bee who writes legislation?

A pollintician.

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