This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus :(

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi

Why did the bee buy a phone?

To cauliflower

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what kind of bee produces milk?

a boobee

I was playing Golf with my girlfriend. She was stung by a bee, between the 1st and 2nd hole.

I told her, her stance was too wide.

Who do you call a bee who writes legislation?

A pollintician.

Got stung by a bee today

£15 for a jar of honey

Finally watched the Bee movie

It was good insect-ions

What’s the difference between Harry Potter and a spelling bee contestant?

One conjures spells and the other spells conjure.

Where did Noah keep his bees ?

In the Ark hives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of Bee's produce milk?

BOObees!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bee's ghost?

a BOO-bee

Hahaha.. like .. boobie.
Plz don't hurt me. I know it's bad

What do you call the cross between a bee and a cow?

Bumblebeef

A bee and a spider walk together to a store one day

The bee looks to the spider and asks "Why are you buying all that black clothing?"

The spider responds "I am a SPYder,that's my job."

The bee would sigh and say "I cannot beelive you made that pun..and I thought my puns were bad."

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

What kind of bees make milk?

Boo-bees

I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song.

But it turned out it was just a chive talking.

I've always found spelling bees easy

B E E S. Simple.

Where do bees stay while on vacation?

Air Bee and Bee

This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower?

Hey bud!

A bee goes into a bar,

It comes out 2 hours later buzzing

If a man has 1,000 bees, then you should marry him right away.

Trust me, he's a keeper.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A Maybe

What’s a bee’s favorite warlord?

Attila the Honey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bee gives milk instead of honey?

Boobees

What do u call a fat bee?

A chubee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Queen Bees that won't have sex with the male drone bees?

Les-Bees!

I recently went to a beekeeper and purchased 7 bees. When I got home, I realized he gave me 8.

Looks like I got a freebie!

I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees

I think she's a keeper

A woman was golfing and got stung by a bee.

She was severely allergic to bee stings so she went to the doctor right away. She said “doc, I was on the course when I got stung”. The doctor asked her where she got stung, and she told him, between the first and second hole. The doctor replied, “ it sounds like your stance is too wide”.

A local beekeeper was selling his bees for 5 dollars each.

"5 dollars for a single bee?! That's ridiculous," I complained.

"Well, if you don't like the price, you can select from that hive over there, those are freebies."

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try ...

A bee got in our house and I my wife freaked...

She yelled, "get it out but don't harm it". So I got a shot glass and a playing card and carefully trapped and released the little guy out back. When I returned my wife said, "well, what happened? And I replied...

Don't worry. Bee Happy.

Thomas finally gave up on his dream of being a champion after always vomiting at the National Spelling Bee

He’d always be known as an expeller now.

What does a bee use to brush his hair?

A honeycomb

What do you call a Bee that works for the government?

A Pollentician.

A thousand bees walk into a bar.

A few minutes later, A and C walk in as well.

today I met a girl that claims to work with bees

yeah, she’s definitely a keeper

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

What do you get when a bee is stuck in the garage?

Garbage

She said to me "What are you holding that big ugly bee for?"

I said "I don't think it's ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What were the bees and the donkeys talking about?

None of your bees’n’ass.

I hired a bee to run my IT security department

He makes really good honeypots

What do bees and me have in common?

Both of us become suicidal as a defense mechanism

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then ...

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

(Came up with this one from a meme I just saw) There's a bee in the drawer of my side table that buzzes and makes me think I got a new message on my phone...

Got a bee kiddin me.

what do bees use to get to school?

the school buzz

Why are bees so good at job interviews?

Because they know all of the buzzzzzzzz-words!

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Why will you always lose an argument with a bee’s ass?

It always has a point

I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one.

It was a freebie

What do you call a British Bee Smashing and Dashing?

A Honey Nut, Cheerio.

I have like Five Bees in my room

I guess you can call me a keeper.

A bee decided to become a disc jockey. They called it a BJ.

It really sucks though.

What did the ghost say to the bees?

Boo bees!

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees

Chuck Norris will be 80 in a few hours so post your best Chuck Norris Jokes in the comments!

A bee lives in America.

It's a USB.


.. Sorry guys.

Why do bees hum?

Cos they don’t remember the lyrics.

Imagine if honey was regurgitated through a bee’s nose rather than it’s mouth

Then it really would be the bee’s sneeze

People have often said that bees making honey sounds cool...

...but honestly, I never understood what all the buzz was about.

A husband and wife are golfing and almost immediately, the woman is stung by a bee.

As she’s had some bad reactions to bee stings before, the husband runs to the pro shop to get some assistance.

Bursting in, he says to the pro “My wife’s been stung, can you please help?”

The pro replies “Well where was she stung?”

“Between the first and second holes”.

...

What do you get if you fill a bear with bees?

A Bebabr.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Billy is out fishing with his dad

When a butterfly lands on the boat and Billy smashes it. The dad exclaims “That’s it! No butter for you all week!”

A week passes by and they are out fishing again when a honeybee lands on the boat. Smash! Little Billy kills the bee. “That’s it!” The dad yells “Now no honey for you for a wee...

I told my son about the birds and the bees.

He told me about my wife and the butcher.

I stopped by my one of my bee keeper friends' farm to buy a dozen bees.

When he counted out thirteen I said "that's too many". He said "that's a free bee".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

What do you call a bee that is working hard?

Buzzy.

Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?

The BP station.

‌‌I walke‌‌d i‌‌n fro‌‌m wor‌‌k toda‌‌y an‌‌d m‌‌y wif‌‌e wa‌‌s sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfriend.

‌‌I said‌‌, “What’‌‌s goin‌‌g on?”

“Yo‌‌u tel‌‌l me?‌‌” replie‌‌d m‌‌y wife.

‌‌I said‌‌, “‌‌I don’‌‌t know‌‌, you’r‌‌e sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h ‌‌a stranger.”

“‌‌A stranger‌‌, hey?‌‌” shoute‌‌d m‌‌y girlfriend‌‌, “I’‌‌m n‌‌o stranger‌‌, we’v‌‌e bee‌‌n havin‌‌g se‌‌x fo...

A fancy country club has a severe bee problem on the golf course.

The board of trustees decide to eradicate the bees they need to hire an expert. The bee entomologist is very expensive and the board decides they need to assess each member an additional $100 to their monthly dues for bee eradication.

Weeks after the treatment and it appears the course is b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex:

"Tarzan not know sex!" He replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!"

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground....

Man walks into a pet store & asks the keeper for a pet bee. he says “we don’t sell bees here”. & the man says well you’ve got one in the window

Good clean joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two ghosts dressed up as bees for Halloween???

Boobees....

I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.

The woman on the phone answered:

"Oh, that's just a freebie"

How do bees keep safe at home during a Corona lockdown?

Stay in a hive!
Stay in a hive!
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Stay in a hiiiiiiiiiiiive....

Stupid but I think it’s Hilarious

How does a momma bumble bee feed her baby?

I went to a beestore to buy bees

The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested.

When I asked him what the last one was for.

He told me it was a *freebie*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him.

"Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the ...

What do ya call it when a bee gets murdered at a party?

A buzzkill.

Where do fat bees live?

A bee city

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.

S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."

Did you hear about the beehive bees can’t get out of?

I heard it’s un-bee-leaveable.

How did the bee go to work?

By buzz.

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

You wanna know what part of barry bee benson is always sore?

It's the bees knees

My new girlfriend loves bees.

She's a keeper.

Before becoming Pop stars, the Bee Gees used to be professional chefs.

You could tell by the way they used their wok.

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

What do dry gin and pollinating plants have in common?

They're both Bee-Feeders.

A bee keeper walks into a pet store

He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident.

He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.”

The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The newlyweds, the doctor, and the bee

A man and a woman are newly married. On their honeymoon they do the forbidden, but something bad happens. They go to the doctor to resolve it.

Doctor: what’s the problem?
Husband: me and my wife were having sex on our honeymoon and a bee flew up my wife’s vagina.

The doctor is horri...

What kind of bees produce milk?

Boo bees.

(Not mine, my friend told me this joke but he doesn’t have Reddit.)

Bartender joke

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“12 shots of your finest tequila please”
So the bartender starts pouring the shots and on the last one he notices that half of them have been drunk already so the bartender says
“Whats going on pal, you drunk those really fast”
The guy ...

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