A guy sees an ad in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."

The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.

He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you wan...

What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?

I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...

What do you call a rich Centipede?

A Dollarpede

What do you call a cross between a centipede and a parrot

A walkie-talkie

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede.

There was this guy who had a pet centipede.

One day, he said, “go get the paper, and make it snappy!” Half an hour later, he goes outside, sees the centipede and says, “didn’t I say to make it snappy”? The centipede replies, “I had to put on my shoes!”

What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size?

A dollarpede.

Mr Grasshopper and Mr Centipede had plans to go jogging today. Centipede knocks on Grasshoppers door and nobody answers.

After a coupled failed attempts Grasshopper this time knocked while yelling “Mr Centipede! You home? Hello?” Still nobody answers.

Grasshopper then starts ringing the doorbell yelling even louder in a loud voice “ You said 10am now where are you!!??”

Mr Centipede comes to the door a...

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A fella buys a talking centipede for £5,000

He takes it home in small box.

After 30 mins he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a pint".

The centipede doesn't answer... Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.

Getting angry, thinking he's been done, he shouts the question loudly.

At w...

What's a centipedes favorite ZZ Top song?

Shes got legs

Do you know who was the biggest sponser of the movie Human Centipede?

Nokia.

Nokia - Connecting people

Sorry.

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use as his house.
He took the box back home, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with h...

The doctor from The Human Centipede died...

That sucks ass

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

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I went drinking with a human centipede

The first guy could hold his liquor.

The rest of them got completely shitfaced.

A man buys a centipede from a pet store

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anythi...

Today I caught a centipede!

99 more and I'll have a dollarpede

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An ant and a centipede were walking down the street

when the ant says “Say, Mr. Centipede, how do you control all those legs at once?”. The centipede thought about it for a second, then fell flat on his ass.

The Human Centipede wasn't that bad really..

...most of it was tongue in cheek.

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Saw a sign in a pet shop window today for a talking centipede, for only $500.00! I thought to myself, "What a bargain!" and I took it home in a little box...

When we got home, I opened it up and asked the centipede if it would like to go down to the bar for a beer, but the centipede didn't answer.

A couple of minutes later, I asked again, but still no response.

I started to get a little ticked off, thinking, maybe this little bugger can't ...

I had to quit my job at the Human Centipede laboratory.

I was having trouble making ends meet.

At San Francisco’s airport last Tuesday, customs officials confiscated 20 giant centipedes.

They said, “There’s just not enough leg room in the airplane”.

Some friends who are software engineers invited me to go see a movie with them, but when we met up I found them staring at a centipede.

I asked when we were going to see the movie.

They replied that the centipede was a feature, not a bug.

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An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.

10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spid...

What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?

Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

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I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story. One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.

They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but...

Why a centipede cannot fly coach?

Not enough leg room!

What's worse than finding a centipede in your pizza?

Finding half a centipede in your pizza

Why don’t centipedes go out to eat?

They can’t foot the bill.

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

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A man & his pet centipede

A man with a pet centipede loses his job. He comes home sad and feeling bad. He walks in grumbling about how life sucks and his life is going nowhere when he looks down at his pet centipede who never complains and just walks around his shoebox. Inspired he looks down and says to his pet. "Buddy, i'...

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A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"

The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."

The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I ...

Second half centipede

The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they rat were more highly developed and had greater abilities.
To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a foot...

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A man walks into a pet store

He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect says the man, that sounds great ill take one of...

Why do centipedes live so long?

It takes them awhile to reach their last legs.

God: "8" Angel: "9"

God:"We shouldn't do this drunk." Angel:"10 lol" God: "15" Angel *mouthful of pizza*: "25" Centipede *tearing up*: "Stop giving me legs, I look stupid!" God: "ONE HUNDRED" Angel: "LMAO"

A hare, turtle, and a centipede ran out of beer at a party..

Wanting to keep the party alive the tortoise hands the hare 50 dollars and says, "Here, take this to the store and buy more booze." "Wait! The hare is way too drunk to go to the store." The centipede said. The tortoise says, "I'm not gonna waste anymore time! I will go." The centipede stops the tort...

A lady centipede crosses her legs.....

....."For the one hundredth time, NO!"

What did the boy centipede say to the girl centipede passing by?

Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nice legs. Nic...

A guy goes to a pet shops and goes to the cashier and says..

I need a pet, and I want something different. My bird died and he was great and all but he stopped talking at the end of his life. The cashier says I have just the thing for you, a talking centipede.

The man was surprised, but he said what the heck and bought the talking centipede.

O...

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A Man Walks Into A Pet Shop

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner “I want to get a pet that will impress my friends. I don’t want anything normal though, so do you have any weird or extraordinary pets?” The pet shop owner says “I’ve got just the thing.” He pulls out a match box and says “This here is a talking cent...

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 m...

My mom’s favorite Christmas joke: ”Knock knock...”

Who’s there?
“Centipede”
Centipede who?
“Centipede under the Christmas tree!”

What do you get when you put 10 millipedes together?

A centipede :D

A man wants a pet

A man wants a pet. So he visits his local pet shop and inquires .

Man: “I want an obedient pet. One that would do anything I ask of it no matter what”.
The store clerk: “I know exactly what you need”.

The clerk steps out back for a few minutes and returns with a tiny box containin...

A man goes into a pet store

In the pet store he asks for something interesting, and the worker brings out a dog

“I don’t want a dog, I want something interesting.” Says the man.

So the worker goes in the back of the store and comes back to the man with a snake.

The man says, “This is interesting, but I wan...

A Guy’s Dog Dies

So he goes to the pet store and tells the owner “I got $1000 and I want a pet like no other.”
The owner says “I got a talking centipede that likes telling jokes and going to bar.”
“Hey I like doing those things.”
Sold for $1000!
The guy goes home and asks his $1000 centipede “You wanna...

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God was talking to one of his angels

God: how many animals do we have left?

Angel: 2

God: and how many legs do we have left?

Angel: 100

Centipede: DIBS!

Snake: Fuck you, asshole

Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages???

Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.

Football game on Noah's Ark

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoce...

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

What takes 99 steps and goes *thump*

A centipede with a pegleg

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A man walks into a pet store

A guy goes to a pet store to buy an unusual pet and walks out with a centipede in a white box. Once he gets it home, the guy decides to take the centipede to his local bar and show it to his drinking buddies. He taps on the box and says, ‘Would you like to go to McGuire’s with me and have a beer?’ T...

A man is looking for a new pet.

He goes to the pet shop and says “I’m looking for something interesting and unique, that no one else is going to have.”

The shops owner has a think, “I’ve got this centipede out back, it has a house, it talks, it’s pretty cool really.”

Interested, the guys buys the centipede and takes ...

My kinesiology professor likes to tell jokes in class that he hears from other professors, friends or family. This was today's gem. Warning, there's a lot of lead-up, but that's just how my teacher seems to tell jokes.

So there was a football game in the jungle between all of the big animals and all of the small animals, to see who was the best and would get the best spots at the watering hole. In the first half of the game, the small animals were getting obliterated--they couldn't gain a single yard on the big an...

A football manager signs his new star...

A manager for a football club signs his new star, a centipede. It’s the debut game for their new club and all the other players are out on the field when the match starts. The team starts conceding goals and is down 5-0 at half time.

During the break, the manager substitutes the centipede o...

The story of the annual football game played between the big and small animals.

At their annual football game, the big animals are really trouncing the little animals with a tremendous offensive game. At half time the score is 33 to 0, and it’s only with considerable effort that the little animals manage to stop the opposition’s kickoff return on the twenty-two yard line.
<...

The lion invited all the animals to a party he was having...

All was going well and everyone was enjoying themselves. But a few hours later the lion notices that they'll be out of beer soon. He calls the monkey and gives him some money. "I need you to get some more beer for the party. Be quick about it!"

The monkey was enjoying himself far too much to...

Three buddies watching Sunday night football.

An ant, a spider, and a centipede are watching Sunday night football together at the ants’ house. The ant notices their beer supply is running low, so being a good host he tells his buddies he is going to run to the beer store to get more. While the ant was heading out the centipede stops him and sa...

Meanwhile in the reptile design office in the planet construction halls of Magrethea...

>Credit to John Fennimore of BBC Radio 4

Down the corridor from Slartibartfarst and his fjord design office, in the planet construction halls, another magrethean is called in to see his supervisor.

“You wanted to see me sir”

“Ah, Zebon sit down,” The supervisor said pointing ...

Slow Torture

I’ve been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.

It’s on its last legs now.

What has 100 legs and 3 teeth?

A centipede on meth.

Pretty good for a joke that is a hundred years old.

A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society
after an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first
sight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.

On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot her
overshoes, and the hostess, who had...

A man's parrot had recently died...

...so he goes to a pet store to get another animal to cheer him up. The pet store owner asks him what he's looking for. The man replies his parrot has recently passed away, and he wants another animal that can talk.

The owner says he doesn't have any parrots, but a centipede that can talk. ...

What has 50 legs but can't walk?

Half a centipede.

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