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Womb Jokes

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...

"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".

I hope that blew your minds.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

What do cannibals call a womb?

A slow-cooker.

What do hungry twins scream from the womb?

FEETUS

If 'womb' is pronounced as 'woom' and 'tomb, as' 'toom'

Shouldn't 'bomb' be pronounced 'boom'?

While my daughter was still in the womb,

I realized that she was mid-wife.

I got evicted from the womb at birth

I guess that makes sense because I wasn’t paying rent

Bullet in the womb

One day a pregnant lady walked into a bank and deposited her money. She then turned around and there was people robbing the bank they told everyone to get on the ground as the lady was pregnant she couldn’t get down in time and got shot three times in the stomach. She had surgery to try and remove t...

Three babies are in their mother's womb.

One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that th...

My wife shouted at me for calling our cat "womb-less"

I believe in calling a spayed, a spayed.

What happens when you leave a genetically modified baby in the womb too long?

They come out a little bit CRISPR!

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

There were 3 kids in their mother's womb...

...The first one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be a plumber because it's always wet in here." The second one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be an electrician because it's always dark in here." The third one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be a hunter." "Why a hunter?" the oth...

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Womb is pronounced 'woom' and tomb as 'toom'

So the fact that bomb is pronounced 'bawm'

makes my head go fucking *boom*.

Three babies were in the womb talking amongst themselves about their future

They get on the topic of what they want to be when they are born and grow up.

The first baby says: "when I get older, I want to be a molder of young minds! A teacher is what I'm aiming for."

The second baby says: "when I'm a adult, I want to heal and save people! I'll be a doctor." ...

What's the name of the type of force that holds a baby in the mother's womb?

Centrifetal

What's the best part of being a test tube baby?

You get a womb with a view

I too was a male trapped in a female's body

until the doctors pulled me out of the womb.

My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.

I said, "It's likely womb-temperature."

My wife wants to have the baby listen to classical music while in the womb.

Would an ipod nano or shuffle be easier to get up there?

What temperature is a baby when it is born?

Womb temperature!

I just adopted a cat with twelve nipples. It’s apparently a common birth defect, but I prefer to think he was exposed to radiation in the womb.

That makes more sense, dozen tit?

I once kicked a pregnant women.

I was in the womb. I'm not evil.

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

There was a young pregnant woman...

...and her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."

But a strange thing happened.

After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.

After a year the woma...

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

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TIL that as a human is developing in the womb, it starts with the asshole...

I guess some people never make it past that point.

Why do Horses stand up and stretch their legs as soon as they are born?

Because they’ve been running out of womb.

Today I saw two fetuses making out

Ugh, get a womb.

What temperature is best for helping babies grow?

Womb temperature.

A History of Mazda

(I hope this isn't technically a Rule 6 violation)

Mazda is suffering in car sales, and so begins some new lines of products and tag lines.

They get into gardening, bloom bloom,

The military, boom boom,

Condoms, coom coom,

Textiles, loom loom,

Psychedelics,...

What do you call a biologically male wombat?

An "at," since they lack wombs.

How do babies like their milk?

Womb-temperature.

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Dirty ernie pt. 1

The teacher knows that dirty ernie has a habit of swearing, so she's apprehensive about her lesson bit decides to proceed anyway. She asks the class to give her a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet.

She says, "ok, the first letter is A"

Immediately ernie raises his hand...

Sometimes, when Mother’s Day comes around, I feel bad for all those test tube babies

…who didn’t have a mother.

But then I remember they got a womb with a view.

What do you call a fetus that pays rent?

A womb-mate

Did you hear about Jonathan Ross as a hypnotist?

He terrified all his clients at the end of the session when he said
"And you're back in the womb"

What's a pregnant woman's favorite clothing brand?

Fruit of the womb!

What do you call a wombat that hasn't been born yet?

A womb-bat.

Three foetuses in a uterus. Two of them want to have a private discussion. Where do they go?

A breakout womb.

A Woman Walks Into A Cafe

A woman goes to a cafe and takes a seat outside. While she's eating, she overhears a group of men at the next table.

"Look, let's go with the simple option. It's spelled W-O-O-M."

"No, I'm sure there's an R in there. W-O-O-M-R."

"I thought it was longer than that, and had a B. W...

Why can women only have so many kids at a time?

They run out of womb.

What do you call a pregnant Lara Croft's husband?

A Womb Raider!!!

PS: Quarantine = Time for Dad jokes

A pregnant elephant goes to the doctor

Right away the doctor says "I want to talk about the elephant in the womb"

I don't have a twin,

I have a womb buddy.

I hate when baby’s kiss eachother

...It’s like, get a womb for god sake

What type of underwear does a fetus wear?

Fruit of the womb.

My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...

She is running out of womb.

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Three babies

So there's three babies in the womb. At some point Baby 1 asks a question


Baby 1: So what are you guys going to do when you get out of here? I'm going to be a plumber to fix the plumbing of this place because there's water everywhere!


Baby 2: Well I will become an electrici...

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

40 years ago today, Louise Brown became the first test tube baby...

She had a womb with a view.

Why was Jesus born in a manger?

There was no womb in the inn.


Happy holidays!

In an alternate universe, Lara Croft works in an abortion clinic...

She is called the Womb Raider

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

How does a foetus get food?

Womb Service

What's a newborns favorite A/C setting?

Womb temperature.

What would you call Laura Croft if she worked at Planned Parenthood?

Womb Raider

My niece did nothing with her life.

She just sat in her womb all day.

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

[ultrasound]

Wife: "How does he look?"

Doctor: "This is honestly the biggest baby I've ever seen."

Husband: "So we're finally talking about the elephant in the womb."

Doctor:

Wife: "I keep a divorce lawyer on retainer."

Why can't men give birth?

There's not enough womb!

A reporter is doing a story on prenatal conditioning.

A reporter is doing a story on prenatal conditioning. He gets contact from a group of brothers who vouch for the phenomenon as having had an effect on them.

"I'm a jazz saxophonist." The first brother says. "My mother played Charlie Parker for me while I was in the womb, and she could feel me...

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My circumcision gave me a chance at a normal life.

I was born with a disorder where my eyelids didn’t develop properly in the womb. When they performed my circumcision, they used the foreskin that they removed to give me proper eyelids. My surgery went well but I’m still a little cock-eyed.

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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny is in kindergarten and loves to say curse words. His teacher has become rather annoyed with his bad habit, so much so that she second guesses even calling on little Johnny to answer questions. Today’s lesson was the alphabet. The teacher asks each student to raise their hand if they kn...

Yesterday, I saw two fetus's kissing each other in a corner.

I said to them " you two, go get a womb."



Credit goes to a friend of mine for this dad joke lol.

What do you call a pregnant woman with a transparent belly?

A womb with a view.

A salesman with a bad lisp...

came to my front door today. He was giving away a coupon for either free cologne or a free abortion. When I confronted him about it, he simply explained "Eidah way, you're gonna clear tha womb."

Finally figured out why babies shiver in the moments after birth

It's all about being acclimated to the womb temperature.

What do you call an abortion vacuum?

A womb-ba

What did one Chinese fetus say to the other?

Move Ova I need more Womb!

I didn't get the job at the abortion clinic

I guess they didn't like that I applied to be the womb raider.

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A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot

with three bullets to her womb. Miraculously she and all her children survived. However, a bullet had embedded in each of the three children. The doctor decided it would be best to leave the bullets. A few months later she gives birth to two beautiful daughters and a son, with no health complication...

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My dad and I never got along

We have been butting heads since the womb

My favorite joke!(sorry if its been posted before)

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and t...

The human brain is an amazing organ.

It keeps working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks
a year, from before you leave the womb, right up until you find religion.

What do you call a pair of twins who live together?

What do you call a pair of twins who live together?


"Womb-mates"

Why did the fetus kill his twin?

There wasn't enough womb for the two of them!

How does a fetus like it's amniotic fluid?

At womb temperature!

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