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Womb Jokes

What do cannibals call a womb?

A slow-cooker.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced...

"BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds.

It would be r/funny if this post blows up.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

While my daughter was still in the womb,

I realized that she was mid-wife.

A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

I got evicted from the womb at birth

I guess that makes sense because I wasn’t paying rent

If 'womb' is pronounced as 'woom' and 'tomb, as' 'toom'

Shouldn't 'bomb' be pronounced 'boom'?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

Why do Horses stand up and stretch their legs as soon as they are born?

Because they’ve been running out of womb.

I once kicked a pregnant women.

I was in the womb. I'm not evil.

Bullet in the womb

One day a pregnant lady walked into a bank and deposited her money. She then turned around and there was people robbing the bank they told everyone to get on the ground as the lady was pregnant she couldn’t get down in time and got shot three times in the stomach. She had surgery to try and remove t...

I too was a male trapped in a female's body

until the doctors pulled me out of the womb.

Today I saw two fetuses making out

Ugh, get a womb.

My wife shouted at me for calling our cat "womb-less"

I believe in calling a spayed, a spayed.

Three babies are in their mother's womb.

One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that th...

What happens when you leave a genetically modified baby in the womb too long?

They come out a little bit CRISPR!

I just adopted a cat with twelve nipples. It’s apparently a common birth defect, but I prefer to think he was exposed to radiation in the womb.

That makes more sense, dozen tit?

What's the name of the type of force that holds a baby in the mother's womb?

Centrifetal

Three babies were in the womb talking amongst themselves about their future

They get on the topic of what they want to be when they are born and grow up.

The first baby says: "when I get older, I want to be a molder of young minds! A teacher is what I'm aiming for."

The second baby says: "when I'm a adult, I want to heal and save people! I'll be a doctor." ...

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Womb is pronounced 'woom' and tomb as 'toom'

So the fact that bomb is pronounced 'bawm'

makes my head go fucking *boom*.

There were 3 kids in their mother's womb...

...The first one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be a plumber because it's always wet in here." The second one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be an electrician because it's always dark in here." The third one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be a hunter." "Why a hunter?" the oth...

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

My wife wants to have the baby listen to classical music while in the womb.

Would an ipod nano or shuffle be easier to get up there?

What do you call a biologically male wombat?

An "at," since they lack wombs.

A History of Mazda

(I hope this isn't technically a Rule 6 violation)

Mazda is suffering in car sales, and so begins some new lines of products and tag lines.

They get into gardening, bloom bloom,

The military, boom boom,

Condoms, coom coom,

Textiles, loom loom,

Psychedelics,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two twins are in the womb...

First twin: -"Hey bro, I'm growing this goatee, do you think it makes me look older?"

Second Twin: --"Oh definitely!"

-"Really? Are you fucking with me?"

--"Seriously bro, if I didn't know you, I'd say you look at least zero."

-"Bah, you're fucking with me, do I look like...

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Dirty ernie pt. 1

The teacher knows that dirty ernie has a habit of swearing, so she's apprehensive about her lesson bit decides to proceed anyway. She asks the class to give her a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet.

She says, "ok, the first letter is A"

Immediately ernie raises his hand...

What temperature is best for helping babies grow?

Womb temperature.

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted her tummy, smiled and said, “Nah..."

"I’s probably womb temperature!"

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

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TIL that as a human is developing in the womb, it starts with the asshole...

I guess some people never make it past that point.

How do babies like their milk?

Womb-temperature.

Did you hear about Jonathan Ross as a hypnotist?

He terrified all his clients at the end of the session when he said
"And you're back in the womb"

What is the benefit of being a test tube baby?

Having a womb with a view.

What do you call a fetus that pays rent?

A womb-mate

What's a pregnant woman's favorite clothing brand?

Fruit of the womb!

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Three babies

So there's three babies in the womb. At some point Baby 1 asks a question


Baby 1: So what are you guys going to do when you get out of here? I'm going to be a plumber to fix the plumbing of this place because there's water everywhere!


Baby 2: Well I will become an electrici...

What do you call a wombat that hasn't been born yet?

A womb-bat.

Idk if this has been done before, I thought of it today in gym class: what’s a baby’s favorite clothing brand?

Fruit of the womb

There was a young pregnant woman...

...and her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."

But a strange thing happened.

After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.

After a year the woma...

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.

I said, "It's likely womb-temperature."

A Woman Walks Into A Cafe

A woman goes to a cafe and takes a seat outside. While she's eating, she overhears a group of men at the next table.

"Look, let's go with the simple option. It's spelled W-O-O-M."

"No, I'm sure there's an R in there. W-O-O-M-R."

"I thought it was longer than that, and had a B. W...

Three foetuses in a uterus. Two of them want to have a private discussion. Where do they go?

A breakout womb.

Why can women only have so many kids at a time?

They run out of womb.

A pregnant elephant goes to the doctor

Right away the doctor says "I want to talk about the elephant in the womb"

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A woman, pregnant with triplets, is walking down the street...

...in a very bad part of town. Out of the blue, a car rolls by and opens gunfire on the house behind her. Despite her best efforts, the woman took three bullets to her stomach and was rushed to the hospital.

The doctors did everything they could to save the woman and her three unborn childre...

My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...

She is running out of womb.

What do you call a pregnant Lara Croft's husband?

A Womb Raider!!!

PS: Quarantine = Time for Dad jokes

I hate when baby’s kiss eachother

...It’s like, get a womb for god sake

I don't have a twin,

I have a womb buddy.

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A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot

with three bullets to her womb. Miraculously she and all her children survived. However, a bullet had embedded in each of the three children. The doctor decided it would be best to leave the bullets. A few months later she gives birth to two beautiful daughters and a son, with no health complication...

What type of underwear does a fetus wear?

Fruit of the womb.

Old Custom In Ireland

There is an old custom in Ireland, to bow the head briefly in prayer when saying “Jesus” - particularly when saying the line from the Ave Maria, or Hail Mary, that ends with “... the fruit of thy womb, Jesus”

In christening services, where babies are dedicated to the Church, parents and godpa...

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A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

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Ernie the Hamster

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious,


Dad....

40 years ago today, Louise Brown became the first test tube baby...

She had a womb with a view.

Have you heard about Angelina Jolie’s new film about abortion?

It’s called “Womb Raider.”

In an alternate universe, Lara Croft works in an abortion clinic...

She is called the Womb Raider

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My circumcision gave me a chance at a normal life.

I was born with a disorder where my eyelids didn’t develop properly in the womb. When they performed my circumcision, they used the foreskin that they removed to give me proper eyelids. My surgery went well but I’m still a little cock-eyed.

I could tell I had an older sibling, even before I was born.

There was graffiti in the womb.

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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny is in kindergarten and loves to say curse words. His teacher has become rather annoyed with his bad habit, so much so that she second guesses even calling on little Johnny to answer questions. Today’s lesson was the alphabet. The teacher asks each student to raise their hand if they kn...

[ultrasound]

Wife: "How does he look?"

Doctor: "This is honestly the biggest baby I've ever seen."

Husband: "So we're finally talking about the elephant in the womb."

Doctor:

Wife: "I keep a divorce lawyer on retainer."

My favorite joke!(sorry if its been posted before)

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and t...

A salesman with a bad lisp...

came to my front door today. He was giving away a coupon for either free cologne or a free abortion. When I confronted him about it, he simply explained "Eidah way, you're gonna clear tha womb."

An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar

As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of “when does life begin”.

The priest said in the Bible it states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.<...

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

What's a newborns favorite A/C setting?

Womb temperature.

How does a foetus get food?

Womb Service

Yesterday, I saw two fetus's kissing each other in a corner.

I said to them " you two, go get a womb."



Credit goes to a friend of mine for this dad joke lol.

What would you call Laura Croft if she worked at Planned Parenthood?

Womb Raider

Are you my Dad?

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. With that, the baby p...

A bishop is giving a lecture in a church in his diocese

He says, "times sure are changing, and kids growing up today aren't being a part of church as much as I'd like them too. Here's what I propose: Every married couple should have 3 kids- one to walk the path of the dad's will, one to walk the path of the mom's will and one to serve the church. For fam...

My niece did nothing with her life.

She just sat in her womb all day.

Why can't men give birth?

There's not enough womb!

A young girl is at a club and sits down at a table next to thee guys at another table.

The three guys are talking rather energetically, and the girl hears their conversation;

First guy: "It's spelled, W.H.O.O.M....WHOOM!"

The second guy: "No, you're wrong..it's spelled W.H.U.M.E....WHUME!"

Then the third guy: : "You both don't know what you're talking about! It's ...

What do you call a pregnant woman with a transparent belly?

A womb with a view.

I didn't get the job at the abortion clinic

I guess they didn't like that I applied to be the womb raider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad and I never got along

We have been butting heads since the womb

Triplets talking about what they want to be when they grow up

3 unborn babies are in their mothers womb talking about what they want to be when they grow up. The first one says "I'll be a plumber so I can fix this leak in here." The second says "I'll be an electrician so I can get some lighting in here." The third one says "I want to be a hunter so the next ti...

Hey, did you see the egg and the sperm?

They really need to get a womb.

Whats a baby's favourite temperature?

Womb tempertaure

The human brain is an amazing organ.

It keeps working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks
a year, from before you leave the womb, right up until you find religion.

A reporter is doing a story on prenatal conditioning.

A reporter is doing a story on prenatal conditioning. He gets contact from a group of brothers who vouch for the phenomenon as having had an effect on them.

"I'm a jazz saxophonist." The first brother says. "My mother played Charlie Parker for me while I was in the womb, and she could feel me...

What did one Chinese fetus say to the other?

Move Ova I need more Womb!

What do you call an abortion vacuum?

A womb-ba

At a medical conference

Two African doctors were in an intense debate. The first said "It's wooooooooooooooommmbbbbb". The second said "no, it's woooooooooooooooommmbbaaaa." A British doctor overhears them and decides to help: "I think the word you are looking for is 'womb.'"
They both turn to him and say "Clearly, you'...

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