UPJOKE

2 Inch Jokes

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

2 inches

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the ex...

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What if a fly drops 2 inches?

A fish was looking out of its river and saw this fly and thought 'if that fly drops 2 inches, I'll be able to jump out and eat it.' Then there was a bear looking at the fish that was looking at the fly and thought 'if the fly drops 2 inches the fish will jump up to get the fly and I'll get the fish'...

What's black, 12 inches long, 2 inches across, and makes people cry?

A cop's flashlight

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Do you know what is 4 inches in length, 2 inches in diameter, and drives women fucking crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy?

A $100 dollar bill.

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What’s 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P?

A really good shit

I’m 6 foot 2 inches

But those are two separate measurements.

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

Astronaut Scot Kelly grew 2 inches after being in space for a year

You'd think they'd be doing more important stuff in space other than measuring their weenies.

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My penis is 2 inches long...



but it smells like 2 feet.

What did a guy with a 2 inch pecker have for breakfast?

Well, I had 2 eggs, some bacon, hash browns and toast.

In the future, TVs will be 15 feet wide, only 2 inches tall,

and movies will still have those damn black bars on the top and bottom.

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Broke in a brothel

A young man turns 18 and decides to go to the local brothel for his first adult encounter. When he arrives, the madame meets him in the parlor and explains how things work. He settles upon what he wants and asks the price. The madame informs him it will cost him $100 for his requested services. He l...

Difference between computers and woman

Unlike computers a woman will reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

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The hunter's sandwich

So there's a fly buzzing around above a stream. What the fly doesn't know is that a trout is watching. The trout thinks, "if that fly drops just 2 inches, I'm gonna flop out and get him". The trout doesn't know that there's a bear watching him thinking, "if that trout flops, I'm gonna rush him". The...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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What's the difference between a penis and a vagina..

Unfortunately, in my case ... only 2 inches.


:'(

Fed up

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party? " "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "NO! " exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches? " "Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night...

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A man texts his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend - "Hey, how do you like this USED pussy?"

And gets a reply - "Thanks for asking! It feels brand new after first 2 inches".

3 1/2 Inches is the avg size a woman needs to be happy.

MasterCard, Visa, American Express, ect...

Teacher: So what’s your sentence that contains the word contagious?

Student: our neighbour is painting a wall with 2 inch brush, my dad says it will take this contagious.

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A white guy woke up in a cell with an Asian man and a black man.

None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, "If all of your dick lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I'll let you all go. If not, I'll kill you all" All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their dicks together, the white g...

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What's the worst part about pissing outside in the winter?

Getting a 2 inch dick out of 3 inches of clothing.

Stay warm out there!

Walked into the local dive bar ..

Sat at the bar only to hear some lady obnoxiously talking about what kinda men she sleeps with , "I only date guys with 8 inches!". I told her , "I aint cutting 2 inches off for anybody!!

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the...

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A Japanese venture capitalist fell in love with a blonde

A Japanese venture capitalist was visiting the USA to evaluate a startup. The founder was desperate to get funding and to close the deal asked his blonde girlfriend to flirt with him.

The Japanese had never seen such a beauty before and instantly fell in love. The Japanese man asked the blond...

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A genie meets a clitoris

"It's been a long time since a clitoris has rubbed the lamp," he says, "so I'm going to give you an extra wish. You have 4 wishes. Use them well."

"I'm tired of being small," said the clitoris. "I wish to grow an inch."

"granted" said the genie " use your second wish you well"

"...

A scientist was experimenting with how high frogs could jump.





First, he found a frog and said: "Jump". The frog jumped 2 feet into the air. The scientist recorded this in his notebook.

Next, he carefully pulled one leg off the frog, and told it to jump. It jumped 8 inches into the air, so he recorded this.

He pulled off yet anothe...

I was working in the ER today

This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she di...

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Penis replacement

A man was involved in an accident that severed his penis at the base. While in hospital a doctor enters the room offering hope to the man, "Don't worry sir, we have 3 models of prosthetic penis replacements". "The first one is 12 inches long and 4 inches in girth. This one costs 15 thousand. The sec...

A man goes to the Apple store

To upgrade his iPhone, wondering why all the new products looked the same as the old but had a plus next to them.

He asked an employee who said, "yeah if we add a plus next to the products people think they're better than the really are."

Later that night as the man was getting frisky...

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Three men are crossing a bridge

A black man, an Asian man, and a Jew are crossing a bridge. Right under the bridge, a troll pops out and tells them, "You may only cross this bridge if your combined penis lengths are at least 17 inches."

So the black man pulls it out and it's 9 inches.

The Jew is 6 inches.

The ...

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The Telemarketer

A telemarketer is making calls when a gentleman answers. "Good evening sir, how are you? I am calling today to--" when the man who answers interrupts him. He said, "Hold on now, first *I* have some questions for *you*." Amused, the telemarketer allows him to ask the questions. The man asks "Wha...

An Undertaker just came home from work

Undertaker: Honey, I'm home. You won't believe the guy I prepared for the funeral today, He's got 9 inches long and 2 inches in diameter of.....

Wife: NOOOoooo! Jeffrey's dead!

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Attractive women sits in a dark bar when the waiter beings over a drink and motions that its from the gentleman in the corner

The women looks at the man and asks the waiter for a pen and paper. She writes something and sends a note back to the gentleman that had sent the drink.

The gentleman opens the note and it reads:

For me to be able to accept this drink and come and enjoy it with you there are a few th...

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A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

A Blonde Buys Two Horses

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse’s tail tore in the same place, and the blonde was no longer able to tell t...

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Sexy cop story

So 3 guys were riding down the road and got pulled over by a sexy ass cop. They were in for a hell of a lot of trouble. There tag was out. They had a busted tail light. They didn’t even have insurance. So the cop walks up and says if they can show her 20 inches of dick then she’ll let them go, so th...

A groom stood naked in front of a mirror...

and said " 2 inches more, and I'd be a king!"

His bride saw her chance and replied " 2 inches less, and you'd be a *queen*."

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My girlfriend and I went skinny dipping in the ocean...

The water was cold and when we got out, she pointed at my penis and started laughing. I had to explain to her what shrinkage was, and that it was not always the same size. After some discussion, she understood the concept and said, “so you’re about 2 inches, on average?”

I replied, “Well, tha...

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Alien Sex

An alien couple come down to earth and goes to a swingers party.

They swap partners and go to their respective bedrooms. The alien takes off his clothes revealing a one inch cock.

The human woman says, "I'm not impressed with this at all."

The alien then twists his right ear ...

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Army Reward

3 Soldiers have come back from a tour in vietnam and they are met by their superior:

"Good Job Lads! You are all going to get a reward. you are to choose 2 parts of your body, I will measure and will give you £1,000 an inch, understood?!"

Soldier 1: "Yes Sah! I choose from the bott...

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A boy walks in on his father in the shower.

"What's that?" He asks. "This is a penis, son," his father replies. "In fact," he continues, deciding to boast: "This is the world's most perfect penis." The son then leaves.

Later, the boy is playing outside with his sister when he has to pee, so he goes over to a tree and pulls down his pa...

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African, Mexican, and Asian Guy are Kidnapped

One day, an African guy, a Mexican guy, and an Asian guy are kidnapped. In a Saw - esque means of communication, (An old, staticy TV with the kidnapper speaking with a distorted voice and mask), the kidnapper says,

"Today I'm feeling rather unorthodox, if each of your dicks lengths, when add...

A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting alone

He calls over a waitress and tells her to send the woman the bar's most expensive champagne.

The woman looks over the champagne then brings it to the man saying, "I can not accept anything from a man unless he has a Mercedes in his garage, $1M in the bank and 7 inches in his pants."

Th...

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A couple of centuries ago some kings held a new Olympic competition.

The new event was which king had the biggest penis. They measured all the kings, and here were the results:

The king of France got the bronze medal for 7 inches. All the Frenchmen cheered, knowing that the female tourists would want to sleep with them now. They then played the French national...

A man goes to see the doctor about his weight

After getting off the scales the doctor starts to explain that he is too heavy for his height, being only 5’10 he is actually the weight of a healthy 6’ man.

When the man arrives home his wife asks if the doctor confirmed that he is over weight and needs to slim down.

Happily the man ...

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Just a compilation of 10 corny jokes that still make me chuckle.

1. What was wrong with the wooden car with wooden wheels?
It "wooden" go!

2. Why can't a dick be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot

3. A guy walks into the doctors office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass. The doc takes one look and he says, "It looks like w...

Jerry saw his ex with a new boyfriend

So he walks up to them and says “Old Shoe, new owner”
His ex replies “Only 2 inches are old, rest are brand new”

What's the difference between oooh and aaah?

2 inches.


Credit goes to the random old lady who told me the joke :p

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After have been to the doctor’s office ....

I went into the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, & there was some remodeling going on - some drilling & a power saw making quite a racket. I had to yell just to be heard & the young lady shouted back, “Your doctor hasn’t called your prescription in yet Mr. McPhinelhiny - do you know...

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An English, Irish and Scottish man sat in a bar..

They are explaining how good they are at pleasuring their wives, the Irish man starts with "when im with my wife i start by licking from her toes up her thighs and sliding my tongue in her, she rises a inch off the bed" the scottish man now pushing in says "ayy mate thats fuck all, when im with my w...

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Merlot.

Heard this one a while back, haven't seen it on Reddit yet so here it is. Long.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said. "The gentleman seated over there....and in...

A priest and a rabbi buy a car...

A priest and a rabbi buy a car. The priest walks out and sees the rabbi sprinkling water over the hood.
"What are you doing?" Asked the priest.
"I'm blessing the car," said the rabbi.
"Oh, as long as we're doing THAT..." The priest walked into the garage. He later came back out with a ha...

An eldery woman was rushed to the hospital...

... with a gunshot wound in her left knee. The doctor treating her was curious

"Ma'am, what happened"

"Well, doc, I was trying to kill myself, my husband died not long ago and my family won't visit me"

"Oh my, this is very unfortunate. I don't understand though, why did you shoo...

An artist, a baker and an engineer are in line to be beheaded...

The artist goes first. They put his head in the guillotine and release the mechanism. It stops 3 inches short! The king decides that he'll be merciful and releases him! He's ecstatic!

The baker is next. They put his head in the guillotine and release it. This time it stops 2 inches short. The...

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An extraterrestrial couple is spending vacations on Earth

They are very curious about human sexuality, so they find a human couple who are willing to exchange partners for one night.

They discretely meet at a secluded place with two rooms. In one room, the male alien unzips his bodysuit and reveals a 16 inch dick. Looking worried, the woman says:...

At a small country school in Ireland...

A grammar teacher writes the weeks new vocabulary words on the chalkboard. The first word she writes is "contagious" she then turns to the class and ask if anybody has heard of this word before. From the front row Timmy O'Toole sticks up his hand and says "Ay miss I've heard that word before! Me f...

Stay in school, kids.

One day, a kid comes home from school. He goes up to his mom and says "Momma, I was at school today, and Tommy could count all the way to 100! I can barely count to about 7 or 8!" The mom goes "That's ok sweetie, one day you'll be as smart as him.
Next day, the kid comes home again. He goes up to...

Read it in an Irish accent for full effect !?

Teacher asks her class to give her a sentence containing the word CONTAGIOUS ! Little Mary says, " my mum has flu and it is very contagious " ! "Very good" says the teacher, " what's your sentence Patrick " ? "The Black Plague killed thousands of people because it was contagious " ! " Excellent " sa...

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