Ft Jokes - 99 Hilarious Ft Jokes

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink .....

so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. Yo...

What is 500ft wide and has no pubic hair?

What is 500 ft wide and has no pubic hair?

The first row of a Justin Bieber concert.

This guy has a girlfriend who's 7 ft 4 in tall

He loves going up on her.

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him.

His neighbor is curious & asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?"
The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"

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Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

A FtM trans man gets asked what career path he wants to pursue.

He laughs and replies: “a mailman”

(A trans man made this)

I bought myself a 6 ft boomerang with Lord of the Rings characters on it.

It’s really hard to Frodo

What's the difference between falling 2 ft and 200 ft?

200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump
2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa

(Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly haven't seen it here, yet.)

I fell off a 40 ft ladder once....

Lucky for me I was on the bottom rung.

Some crocodiles can grow 17-20 ft

But most have 4

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A guy driving along gets pulled over by a traffic cop for going 1 mph over the limit

The guy steps out of his car and the cop asks in a sarcastic tone why he his so important to be driving that fast.
The guy replies carefully that he is on his way to his next job. "Oh yeah " the cop replies " and what is that President?"
"No" the guy replies "I'm a rectum stretcher"
"O...

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 10 ft. of garden hose?

Baby! Honey! Darling!

Math Joke ft depression.

My friend constantly uses y=mx+c to calculate how his fast his life is going down hill.

Why is he so negative.

A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?

Meat

What do you call guys under 6 ft?

Dead.

When Donald Trump dies he should be buried in a hole that is dug at 15 ft

Because down deep he probly ain't such a bad guy

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

Why do they bury pikies/gypsies 12 ft under?

Coz deep down they're good people.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says "You're in a hot air balloon hovering 30 ft above this field."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist

I am, replies to man...

When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest.

If the human body can survive a 50 ft fall

Then why did my girlfriend scream when I pushed her off the roof?

I fell off a 50 ft ladder

Thankfully I was on the first rung. (this was on my school's TV monitors today)

Have you heard the song ISIS by Joyner Lucas ft Logic

The song has been really blowing up recently

I’m taller than my grandpa

I’m 5.3 ft and he’s -6 ft

Did you hear that Adelle started a campaign to raise awareness for sea life by reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone while scuba diving 60 ft under the water.

They called it "Rowling in the Deep"

True Story of Joke Told at Ft Benning, GA

In class 92-1 of Infantry Officer Basic course we were in a large lecture hall in building 4 at Ft. Benning, GA. Desert Storm had just finished less than a year previously and we were one of the first classes of new infantry officers to get a look at all the cool intelligence from Iraq. We were th...

Dave who is 6 ft11, and his wife is only 3 ft 6.

Dave who is 6 ft11, and his wife is only 3 ft 6.

A decade married, and he's still nuts over her.

Diving

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he was not wearing a scuba gear.

The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later.

The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the sam...

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A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

I have invented a golf ball that if its at least 3 ft from the hole it will go in.

Just dont put them in your back pocket......

What did the Asain gentleman say to the 7 ft Jazz player?

Utah

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Turner Brown Long NSFW

Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at
the Irishman and says: "7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds
of testicles, Turner Brown"
...

Nurse: "Oh jeez, was that you that fell 20 ft out of the tree?"

I don't know, I wasn't counting.

Not much of a joke but it was hilarious when my grandpa said it at the hospital (happened to him ofc).

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

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A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder...

...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.

After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

He decided that he was definitely not drunk...

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Skydive

Paddy was telling Mick about his first skydive: When I got to the door I couldn’t jump. So the 6 ft 7” instructor unzipped his fly and drops his 8” and says if you don’t jump, you’re going to get this up your arse!!! Mick asks: Did you jump? Paddy replies: A little bit when it first went in

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

A blonde is walking down the street and sees a banana peel 10 ft in front of her

She says to herself "Oh no not again."

2 Life Lessons...

Lesson 1:

There once were these two boys walking in a field and one of the boys finds a green rock. He picks it up and says to his friend, "I bet you five bucks that I can throw this green rock up in the air and it won't come back down." So his friend says, "Okay, you're on." So the boy wi...

Two Hunters and a Goat

Two hunters are walking along in the deep of autumn, stalking a buck, when they come across a clean-cut, 10-ft diameter hole, that goes too deep to see the bottom.

“A sinkhole?” one hunter asks, “How deep does this go?” The other shrugs.

The first hunter looks around and finds a stick,...

Why do rappers always buy small shoes?

'Cause they all have lil ft.

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If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster, what would you have?

2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

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A hot widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his ...

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Mathematical joke

The cruise ship is 600 ft long, 150 ft wide, and 140 ft high, but only 110 ft above water.
It has 18 decks, and can accommodate 5860 passengers, holds a crew of 1800 personnel.
There are 18 lifeboats, each can take 150 passengers in case of emergency, also 20 inflatable rafts with maximum capa...

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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican

While six stayed back a few yards Doc went up and knocked on the front door.

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any 3 ft tall nuns in Rome?"

"No, my son, there aren't," the Pope replied.

So Doc went back and told the others. Pretty soon Ba...

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So the pentagon had to many generals...

so they had to fire a few, they would pay them 100,000$ per ft in anyway they wanted to be messured,

the army general wanted to be measured from his feat to the top of his head, he made 600,000$

the navy general wanted to be measured from his stomach around, he made 400,000$

the...

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

Uh.. Lousy Manager..

A Project Manager is floating about 30 ft off the ground in a balloon.
He spots a man on the ground and calls out.

Man in Balloon: "Where am I?"
Man of Ground: "You're 30 ft off the ground in a balloon."

Man in Balloon: "You must be a programmer"
Man of Ground: "How did you kn...

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Jew praying to god

A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God to improve his life.

God is very pleased with his prayer, and grants him one wish, just one!

The Jew says OK God, thanks, my one and only wish is - 'I want my Mom to see my wife putting one hundred m...

Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.

They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks aw...

Two prisoners have escaped today

One is 7 feet, the other is 3 ft 6 in. Police are looking high and low for them.

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My friend Billy had a ten foot willy, he showed it to the girl next door.

She thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake,

And now it's only 4 ft 4.

What concert can you go to for 45 cents?

50 Cent ft. Nickelback

Two guys sittin in a bed

6 ft apart cause they respect social distancing

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A husband and wife love golfing together, but they aren't very good, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, an...

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Flight takes off from Dallas....

Pilot get's on the intercom. "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We'll be cruising at 33,000 ft today. We should be touching down at LA International around 7:30 pm. Sit back and relax and thank you for flying Southwest".

He doesn't notice he's left the intercom on. He tells his c...

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My first military parachute jump

I’m deathly afraid of heights, My best friend and I were scheduled for our first jump. As we rose to 6000 ft.my nerves got the best of me and I slowly moved to the back of the line of ten other Airmen waiting to jump. I watched in horror as my buddy took his leap of faith along with the rest of the ...

Big

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across...

Donald wanders in to the hardware store and tells the salesman he’s got a lot of firewood to cut and what could he buy to do the job.

The salesman shows Donald the best chainsaw he’s got and tells him he should be able to cut at least 500 cubic ft of wood an hour with it. Donald says great and takes the chainsaw home with him.

The next day Donald brings back the chainsaw and says he was only able to cut 2 hundred cubic ft...

My Grandad lived to one hundred and one...

At his hundredth birthday party, he was asked "what's the secret to such a long life?"

He replied "with every meal I take a couple of drops of nitroglycerin. I think that's what's been keeping me going all these years."

He passed away a few years ago; he left behind 2 child...

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

An old man is concerned that his wife is starting to go deaf...

The old man goes to the doctor and says, "My wife can't hear very well anymore and I am getting worried. What should I do to help her?"

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "First we need to understand how serious the problem is. Stand 25 feet away from her and ask her a question. If she ...

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Basic training

A man joins the parachute regiment. After basic training he goes home to tell his dad about it.

“How did it go son?”

“Great up to the last exercise. We had to do a real jump with full kit. We were at 9,000 ft and I was the last to jump. When I got to the door I froze. The drill Sargen...

Chernobyl is like Disneyland

The only difference: The 7 ft mouse is real

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I was checking my testicles for lumps

When I heard a little voice say "the empire state building is 20 ft tall," it turns out they were talking bollocks.

The average man in 5 inches long when erect.

I guess I trump that. I'm 5 ft 10.

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Did you jump?

Dad putting his son to bed and son asks,
Son: “Dad, when you were in the Army did you ever jump out of an airplane?”
Dad: “well son, let me tell you about it.” “There we were at 10,000 ft, they opened the door and ordered all of us recruits out. Son, I walked up to the door, looked down and ...

Have you heard the name of Chris Brown's latest album?

Chris Brown's Greatest Hits ft. Rihanna

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So, Steve Irwin ........

walks into an outback pub with a 15 ft crocodile on a leash, sidles up to the bar and, with everyone watching, pulls out a screwdriver and whacks the crocodile on the head twice.

The crocodile slowly opens its jaws and lays there... Steve unzips and lays his dick in the crocs mouth, and whack...

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There once was a guy called billy,

He had a ten ft willy,
He stepped on a rake,
And got bitten by a snake,
Now his name is lilly

You must be an Engineer...

(I'm fairly new to reddit, so I hope this isn't an old one.)

A guy is lost on a hot air balloon ride. After some time, he sees a man in a field and lowers the balloon to ask for directions.

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" he calls down.

The man in the field thinks ...

A rave is being thrown at the White House tonight inauguration of the new President

ft. DJ Trump

A guy walks into a bar with a briefcase

He sets the briefcase down on the bar and opens it. He pulls a tiny piano out and sets it on the bar and a 1 ft tell man steps out and starts playing the piano. The bartender says "thats amazing! where did you get him?" The man says "from my genie." The bar tender asks "like a any 3 wishes kinda gen...

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A driver driver is pulled over by a policeman...

The policeman approaches the car and says, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

"Yes, because I was speeding."

"I got you on my radar gun going 20 mph over the speed limit. Any particular reason you were driving that fast?"

"Yes officer I was late for work."

"Well it ...

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A drunk man goes to a bar

and asks the Bartender " How tall is a Penguin"?
To which bartender replies "hmm, 2 feet"
Man: Don't they get any taller?
Bartender: 3 ft at most , no taller than that. Why?
Man : Shit, in that case i just drove over a nun.

The taxi driver

A British and a United States Architects arrived at Soekarno-Hatta International Airport in Jakarta Indonesia for a Building Convention.

They knew each other, arrived at about the same time, planned to stay at the same hotel, and they have both been to Indonesia before, so they agreed to shar...

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An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest.

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest when suddenly Burt falls in to a crevasse 1000 ft. deep.
“Hey Burt! Are you alive?” shouts Mack from above.
“Yeah I am.”
“I’m going to drop down a rope, grab onto it and I’ll pull you out.”
“I can’t. My arms are broken.”
“Okay then w...

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Jesus and a parrot

There was once a man who had bought an incredibly intelligent European parrot.
He thought, hell, it's so intelligent he could give it some chores. He thought the most efficient way to make the parrot obedient is to threaten it; saying that if it disobeys him, he'll nail it right next to Jesus Ch...

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

Whenever I talk to a Mexican I feel like there's some kind of barrier between us

It's about 4 ft high, made of wood and there's usually a cash register on top of it.

A Biologist. A Chemist. And A Statistician are out hunting.

The Biologist shoots a deer and misses 5 ft to the left. The Chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right. The Statistician yells "We got him!"

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Not mine but still funny

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't w...

A Jewish man and his wife...

A Jewish man was driving down Alligator Alley in Ft. Lauderdale when a police officer pulled him over.

"Sir," said the officer, "you wife fell out of the car 2 miles back!"

"Oh, thank god!," he replied. "I thought I was going deaf."

A tale of two rednecks

Two rednecks live on either side of a river. One named Billy, the other named Clarence. Well, every day the both go to the bank on their side of the river and yell insults at each other. One day, a construction company moves in a builds a bridge accross the river. Billy wakes up one morning and sees...

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There are two men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is 300 ft up on a tight rope with no safety net, and the other is getting a blowjob from 96 year old women. They think the same exact thing at the same exact time

Oh god, don't look down!

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the tim...

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An old gambler was called by the irs and told he owed $5000

So the old man went to see the irs agent with his lawyer. The reason he owed so much was too much money was moving between his accounts. He told the agent he was a gambling man and that’s why he moved money around so much. He asked the agent “are you a gambling man?cause I am. “ the agent said “yeah...

Edumacation is important

Two guys are digging a hole in the blistering heat, while their foreman is sitting 20 ft away under a tree, in the shade.

One of the guys turns to the other and says “hey, why are we out here digging these holes and doing all the work all day, while he gets to just sit there in the shade and...

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A man was cursed with a 4ft penis.

It was so big, it impacted everything he did. He could hardly get around, let alone have sex. So one day he goes to a doctor and the doctor tells him, "I'm sorry, there's really nothing I can do for you, try the plastic surgeon." So he goes to the plastic surgeon, and he says, "I'm sorry, there's re...

A college student was golfing with an old man...

And they get to the 6th hole, a very long par 5 with a huge oak tree right in the middle of the start of the fairway.

The college kid says to the old man, "Any advice on this hole? I'm not sure I can carry over the tree but this hole is too long to lay up on the first shot."

The old ma...

Two Irish guys walk into a pet shop

Seamus heads straight over to the back of the shop, knowing what he's looking for, and Finton follows shortly behind.

"Dats dem up der!" Says Seamus, pointing at high up bird cage. "Oi'll tek two a dem budgies up der," He says to the shopkeeper, "an wouldya put em in a pepper bag?"

So...

Then did you jump?

A young soldier finally got his first jump in at Airborne school. The young man proudly calls home from Ft Benning to tell his dad all about it.
"hey dad, I finally got my first jump!"
"awesome, tell me all about it" said the enthusiastic father.
"well pop, first they load all of you in...

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Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

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A young salesman moves to the big city

He wants a job with the biggest department store. So he meets with the manager of the store and the manager asks him "so what makes you think you'd be so good at sales?"

"Because I am good at figuring out what people might want" said the young sales boy.

The manager decides to giv...

Eventually, after living a full life, Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, God tells Brady, "As a reward for such a fine football career I am giving you a house. Now, not everyone gets a house up here, in fact it's quite rare. Tom, consider this is a personal gift from the Lord your God." The Almighty shows him to his new home and Brady is somewhat ta...

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