A few centimeters...

3 Kings were having a feast a long time ago. After the feast, they sat down to boast about their kingdoms.

The first one said, "In my kingdom, we've progressed so far that we have touched the top of the sky."

"The very top?!" asked the other two, astonished. "Not exactly the top, we m...

What do you call a conversion from centimeters to inches?

an erection

A 30 centimeter tall doctor

Goes to the captain of the ship he is in charge of. With genuine sadness in his eyes he asks:

- Captain why do I have to be so short? I can't handle it anymore, everyone keeps making fun of me.

The captain, understanding his problem, replies.

- Listen closely. This ship is spec...

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"

T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"

S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

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Dave went in a public toilet to make his bussines when next to him comes a black man.

Really impresed by the man's attributes he could not not ask him:
How come that you black men have a really big whiney?
The guy, offended by the racial stereotype, replied:
Well, every morning I smash it as much as I can on the table. In two week it grows almost a centimeter.
"Cool" ! T...

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So I recently met this really cute girl at a bar....

And I asked her what she expected from a guy she'd be willing to sleep with.

She said: "You're gonna need a Porsche in your garage, a swimming pool in your backyard, 25k a month in your bank and a 25 centimeter penis..."

I told her: "I've got my Cayenne in the garage, a huge swimming p...

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A couple who lived together decided to separate after getting into a fight

They had two donkeys. So the man said: “okay we’ll split them. Each gets one. To tell them apart I’ll cut a piece of mines ear. That one is mine. The other ones yours”
So they do. Their neighbor, who didn’t like them much decided he’d go to the woman’s donkey and cut of its ear so they won’t be ...

A little Tap on the Driver's Shoulder By the Passenger.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’...

Mass Extinction

The Lunar Laser Ranging experiment has shown that the moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of about two centimeters a year. If you perform a regression you'd find that 65 million years ago, the moon must have been orbiting the earth at a height of about 20ft, which, if you think about it, ex...

Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

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Hmmm Metric or Imperial?

"In metric, one milliliter of water occupies one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, and requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade—which is 1 percent of the difference between its freezing point and its boiling point. An amount of hydrogen weighing the same amount has exactly...

What is the common trait between men and snow?

You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last.

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A man meets a finds a genie lamp in a thrift store...

And after giving it a quick rub, a genie pops out!

"I am Shazam, I and I will grant you a wish. Money, fame, I can give you anything. Even a bigger dick if you so desire."

"Well, my wife has been complaining about my sex recently, so why not," he replies.

"Very well then. In th...

The army had to fire three of their generals..

They decided that a monetary compensation would be fitting, so they lined the three generals up and said:

"You will be paid a thousand dollars for each centimeter of distance you create from one body part to another"

The first general stretched his arms as far from each other as he pos...

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LAWS FOR ENGINEERS

Engineering is a science that runs on the laws of physics. We have all studied these laws in our formal education. There are other laws that are equally powerful, however. These are found through experience in the classroom of applied technology. Here is a summary of the laws of physics for your ent...

The Hillbilly and the Duck

A man is driving his SUV through the woods. It's springtime. He reaches a river with a drivable bridge, but much to his surprise the river has flooded over, covering the bridge completely. He stops his car before the river, trying to figure out what to do.


He spots an old house a little b...

My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

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First "Contact"

In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits. They eventua...

What do you call a canadian enchilada?

A centimeter-alada

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Not that funny, just trying to get it out of my head.

An incredible flamboyant gay man goes to see his handsome doctor:
"Doctor, Doctor, I have a little green thing sticking out of my behind!!"
The doctor, busy as he is, simply states: "Here, take this hemorrhoid cream, apply it 3 times a day, and come back when it doesn't get better."

A c...

What is the difference between "ooo" and "aaa"?

About three centimeters.

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the squirrel

Two hunters were walking in the forest, with the intention of killing some squirrels. When they see one, one of the hunters shoot at it, and misses by mere centimeters. The squirrel is so scared that it faints. At the same time that the two men approach it, they hear two forest guards coming their w...