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What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

What is white and 12 inches long?

Nothing.

What do you call a ball that is twelve inches long that you kick?

A football.

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Out of curiosity, I measured my cock and got 8 inches.

I felt fine until I realized I had the ruler turned backwards.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

What's 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

Crib death.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

A woman with a 69 inch waist goes to the doctor (Calculator Joke)

A woman went to the doctor.

He measured a waist of 69 inches (type into calculator).

He said that that was too, too, too, much (type 222).

And gave her 51 pills (type 51).

But she took 8 times that my (type x8)

Do you know what happened? She became...(Hit = and fli...

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An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man...

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TIL That a Blue Whales Anus Can Stretch to 40 Inches...

This makes it the second biggest asshole on earth, right behind Mitch McConnell.

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!"

The passeng...

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3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas

Then why is my girlfriend complaining

Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

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My penis may not be 12 inches...

But it sure smells like a foot

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What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and asks him, "What ...

Ladies call me The Weather Man

I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

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Figured out how to make my dick 12 inches.

Fold it in half.

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What's six inches long and starts with a p?

A shit.

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.

Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight

6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A: Money

A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?

Meat

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot


Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes everyone go crazy?

$100 bill.

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I met a girl at a bar who told me that she only dates men with 7inch dick.

Bitch I'm not going to cut 3 inches for you.

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

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Three guys have a dick measuring contest

The first guy: “I’m six inches”

Second guy: “that’s nothing, I’m a foot.”

Third guy: “I’m three inches….”

First guy: “dude that’s pathe-“

Third guy: “from the floor.”

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A obese chicken has a volume of 14 cubic inches

This means that 2.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000 fat cocks fits in Uranus

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

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My girlfriend wanted me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt.

So I fucked her three times then slapped her.

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

A woman reports her husband’s disappearance to the police...

A woman reports her husband’s disappearance to the police. They ask her for a description, and she says, “He’s six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair.”

Her friend says, “What are you talking about? Your husband is five-feet-four, bald, and has a huge belly.”

An...

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A man had a penis size of 25 inches.

He wanted to reduce the size of his penis so he went to a saint to tell him about his problem. The saint told him that there is a big turtle on a beach, if he tells you "no" then your penis' size would decrease by 5 inches.

So that man found the turtle and asked him, "Will you marry me ?" The...

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There is a fly flying about 12 inches over a lake with a fish swimming below thinking "If the fly drops 6 inches I can jump and catch it."

Meanwhile, a bear on the edge of the same lakes sees the fly and thinks "If he drops 6 inches, the fish will jump after it and I can catch it."

Across the same lake is a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear and the fly thinking "If the fly drops and the fish jumps I can shoot the bear a...

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When I first wanked it my semen only flew 6 inches. Now it goes at least a foot every time..

Look how far I’ve cum

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russi...

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

When I was in college I used to brag to girls about my 4.0...

until the day I googled it and learned that it's actually 1.3 inches below average.

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

My buddy brags that he’s 4 inches...from the ground.

I tell him it’s not impressive if it’s only true when he’s laying on his stomach.

Hi my name is Dave I’m five feet, 11 inches

...Those are 2 different measurements!

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth?

A toothbrush

Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.

Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.

Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.

The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "

...

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

Girl: How do you know Apple is run by men? Because they call it the iPhone 6+ when it's only 5.5 inches long

Guy: Of course it's run by men, it's a trillion dollar company, not a kitchen

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What’s hard, 12 inches long and has cum in it?

Cucumber. You fucking perverts.

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When a fly drops three inches...

{Sorry if this is a repost, I haven’t seen it before and I heard this back in eighth grade.}


There was a fly dancing three inches above the water.

A fish saw it and thought, “If that fly drops three inches, I can get the fly and eat it!”

By the shore is a bear. The bear see...

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A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

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What’s six inches long, has a bald head, and makes women horny?

A $100 Bill.

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

I'm 6 foot, 3 inches.

but those two measurements are separate.

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

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My dick may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.

Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

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Saw an ad about dildos. It said ‘9 inches and realistic’.

I was like ‘well, which is it?’

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After years of failure Jerry finally broke the world record for the longest ejaculation. (18 feet and 9 inches)

He did what no man could that came before him

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A church needed a new bell ringer

A church needed a new bell ringer, so the priest placed a want ad in the local paper. Soon, a man showed up to apply for the job.

The priest, on seeing that the man had no arms, said, "My son, I'm afraid there is no way for you to do this job."

"Father, I really need this job, and I'm...

Not fat, just short.

According to the BMI chart, at the doctors office, I don’t need to lose 25 pounds! I do need to grow about six inches but hey, it beats dieting!

They say five inches of fat is needed to stop a bullet reaching the organs

Which explains America's obesity problem.

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I was watching porn and I saw this add. It was for pills that claimed to make your penis 12 inches longer and I thought, “that’s ridiculous......”

“Nobody wants a 13 inch penis.”

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I found a way to make my penis 10 inches long

Fold it in half

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An Unhappy Ending

A man is drunk and horny at a bar when he sees a beautiful woman walk in. He takes a shot of whiskey and stumbles up to the woman.

He tells her, "You face is gorgeous, your body is so sexy, and your breasts are perfect. Now tell me what I will find when I get you naked and go down between yo...

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I finally figured out a method that works to make my penis 8 inches long.

I folded it in half.

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