UPJOKE
footcentimetrelengthftunited kingdomunited statesedgeinprimecolumn inchcentimetermillimeterlinear unitcanadamile

Inches Jokes

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and women love to get it?

A hundred dollar bill.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

I bang my wife with a solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning

3 inches in the afternoon

3 inches in the evening



It adds up :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 12 inches long and snaps a cunt?

A selfie stick

What kind of monkey only stands 7 inches tall?

Macaque.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

Lost by few Inches

I was at the track and asked a guy for a tip. He asked me how long my pecker was, I told him 8 inches, he said to bet on the 8 number horse.

The 3 number horse won the race… damn, I knew I shouldn’t have lied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas

Then why is my girlfriend complaining

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king but a great ruler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend if she was ready for 12 inches of dick and she said yes.

I'm so excited for 12 rounds of sex tonight!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it !"

A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it !"

A hunter nearby thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches,...

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a way to make my penis 10 inches long

Fold it in half

Blonde Wife

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a [Long] penis

He had a 25 inch long package.

It created difficulties in his life as it was not easy to move around with it and women were afraid of him too.

One day he was wondering to himself how he could change his penis and his life into a normal one while walking down a road, there, he came ac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

when a fly drops 6 inches...

One day there was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake, a fish sitting below the water waiting for the fly to drop so he could eat it, a bear watching the fish and waiting for the fish to come up to the surface to he could eat it, a hunter sitting and eating crackers waiting for the bear to move so h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy with the 25 inches long penis ...

The boy with the 25 inches long penis decided that he had had way too much. He was now fed up of being the subject of constant jokes of his friends, relatives and many-a-times, complete strangers.

There was a time when he was proud of his unusually long penis, thinking of it as an indicat...

What's 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

Crib death.

I told her I had 13 inches

She said “I find that hard to swallow”

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.

Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

My wife asked me what would I do if she was choking...

I told her I would back up two inches...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.

The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.

He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole.

Last thing I remember is I lifted the tai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

I’m going to make a Sherlock Holmes game that is 12 inches long.

I’m going to call it
The Games A Foot.

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of most expensive wine on the menu

She sends me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So i wrote back," Return me the wine; As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot


Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy with a 25 inch penis goes to a witch doctor

He asks, is there anything you can do to shorten it Women won’t have sex with me. It’s too big.she said no but if you go in the forest there’s a pond with a magical frog that grants the wish you’re thinking of every time he says the word no, so you ask him to marry him to guarantee the correct respo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P?

A really good shit

What is the difference between 6 cm and 6 inches ?





Go ask your mom

What do you call a dead man that was only 12 inches tall?

One foot in the grave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

Looks like we got about 4 inches of snow last night

Or as my boyfriend calls it... 7.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long.

I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

Lord Nelson was 5ft 6 inches. His statue is 17ft 4 inches.

That’s Horatio of 3:1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

15 Inches

An Asian man, a black man, and a white man are sitting in a bar when a thug busts in and pulls out a gun. He demands everyone to empty their valuables into his bag or he will shoot them but no one moves. Confused, the thug asks why they aren't moving and the Asian tells him that they are all really ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Broke in a brothel

A young man turns 18 and decides to go to the local brothel for his first adult encounter. When he arrives, the madame meets him in the parlor and explains how things work. He settles upon what he wants and asks the price. The madame informs him it will cost him $100 for his requested services. He l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star penis

How tall are you cowboy? I’m six feet and seven inches, ma’am.

Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about your seven inches.

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

What's black, 12 inches long, 2 inches across, and makes people cry?

A cop's flashlight

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common?

They're both imperial rulers

A man is walking by a brothel..

One day a man is walking by a brothel, never having been inside, and decides to hey, why the hell not

as he enters he is met with two doors, one has a plaque that says "first time" and the other "regular"

being honest he walks through the "first time" door

there he is presented ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is sex like snow?

Everyone talks about it, but it doesn’t always happen. Then when it does happen, you’re never sure how long it will last, or how many inches you’re going to get.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Out of curiosity, I measured my cock and got 8 inches.

I felt fine until I realized I had the ruler turned backwards.

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

3 inches

Weather girl: "and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight

6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.

2 inches

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 Inches

So there's this fish. He's swimming in a pond when he looks up and sees this fly buzzing around above the water. The fish thinks to himself, "hmm, if that fly comes down just 6 inches, I can jump up there and have myself a nice little meal."

Off in the distance a bear spots the the fish. ...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a fly drops three inches...

{Sorry if this is a repost, I haven’t seen it before and I heard this back in eighth grade.}


There was a fly dancing three inches above the water.

A fish saw it and thought, “If that fly drops three inches, I can get the fly and eat it!”

By the shore is a bear. The bear see...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.