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Inches Jokes

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My may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and women love to get it?

A hundred dollar bill.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

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What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an ?

Donald Trump's tie.

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

I bang my wife with a solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning

3 inches in the afternoon

3 inches in the evening



It adds up :)

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What's 12 inches long and snaps a ?

A selfie stick

What kind of monkey only stands 7 inches tall?

Macaque.

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

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There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it !"

A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it !"

A hunter nearby thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches,...

Lost by few Inches

I was at the track and asked a guy for a tip. He asked me how long my pecker was, I told him 8 inches, he said to bet on the 8 number horse.

The 3 number horse won the race… damn, I knew I shouldn’t have lied.

There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king but a great ruler.

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

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I found a way to make my 10 inches long

Fold it in half

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

Blonde Wife

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
...

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when a fly drops 6 inches...

One day there was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake, a fish sitting below the water waiting for the fly to drop so he could eat it, a bear watching the fish and waiting for the fish to come up to the surface to he could eat it, a hunter sitting and eating crackers waiting for the bear to move so h...

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

What's 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

Crib death.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

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My may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.

Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

My wife asked me what would I do if she was choking...

I told her I would back up two inches...

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Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.

The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.

He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s .

Last thing I remember is I lifted the tai...

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A man with a 25 inch ...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

I’m going to make a Sherlock Holmes game that is 12 inches long.

I’m going to call it
The Games A Foot.

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of most expensive wine on the menu

She sends me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So i wrote back," Return me the wine; As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot


Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

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What’s 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P?

A really good

What is the difference between 6 cm and 6 inches ?





Go ask your mom

What do you call a dead man that was only 12 inches tall?

One foot in the grave.

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

Looks like we got about 4 inches of snow last night

Or as my boyfriend calls it... 7.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long.

I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

Lord Nelson was 5ft 6 inches. His statue is 17ft 4 inches.

That’s Horatio of 3:1.

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

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Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star

How tall are you cowboy? I’m six feet and seven inches, ma’am.

Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about your seven inches.

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

What's black, 12 inches long, 2 inches across, and makes people cry?

A cop's flashlight

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common?

They're both imperial rulers

A man is walking by a brothel..

One day a man is walking by a brothel, never having been inside, and decides to hey, why the hell not

as he enters he is met with two doors, one has a plaque that says "first time" and the other "regular"

being honest he walks through the "first time" door

there he is presented ...

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How is like snow?

Everyone talks about it, but it doesn’t always happen. Then when it does happen, you’re never sure how long it will last, or how many inches you’re going to get.

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Out of curiosity, I measured my and got 8 inches.

I felt fine until I realized I had the ruler turned backwards.

[] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

3 inches

Weather girl: "and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your . So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight

6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.

2 inches

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the ex...

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6 Inches

So there's this fish. He's swimming in a pond when he looks up and sees this fly buzzing around above the water. The fish thinks to himself, "hmm, if that fly comes down just 6 inches, I can jump up there and have myself a nice little meal."

Off in the distance a bear spots the the fish. ...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

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When a fly drops three inches...

{Sorry if this is a repost, I haven’t seen it before and I heard this back in eighth grade.}


There was a fly dancing three inches above the water.

A fish saw it and thought, “If that fly drops three inches, I can get the fly and eat it!”

By the shore is a bear. The bear see...
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