UPJOKE

8 Inch Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Out of curiosity, I measured my cock and got 8 inches.

I felt fine until I realized I had the ruler turned backwards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

And 3 years later, that priest went to prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend wanted 8 inches....

So I fucked her twice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every guy tells you they have an 8 inch Dick. It makes sense when you realize the formula they use to calculate it.

8==D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally figured out a method that works to make my penis 8 inches long.

I folded it in half.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a young child I was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Mallory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Broke in a brothel

A young man turns 18 and decides to go to the local brothel for his first adult encounter. When he arrives, the madame meets him in the parlor and explains how things work. He settles upon what he wants and asks the price. The madame informs him it will cost him $100 for his requested services. He l...

Where's the worst place to get screwed by 8 inches?

Probably one of the southern states, they really aren't prepared for that much snow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.

Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not gonna lie, my penis can reach 8 inches when I'm happy

I'm never happy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Justin Bieber has an 8 inch cock?

Yeah, but it's up his ass and it belongs to Usher

What's 8 inches long, pink and makes my girlfriend scream when i put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can Fuck all night long"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It...

I got Grindr and Dominoes mixed up when I went to order

Regardless there is an 8 inch meat feast on the way and I’m scared.

Three blondes

Three blonde women are sitting on the side of a river. The first one says "dear God, make me twice as smart as I am so that I can cross the river". So God turns her into a brunette and she swims across. The second blonde says "dear God please make me twice as smart as you made the last girls so I ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patty and Selma are sisters in their 40s that live together.

They are both virgins.



One night, Selma turns to Patty and says

"I can't stand it anymore. I'm going down to the local pub, and anyone that wants me, can have me."



Later that night, Selma stumbles back into the house. As soon as she closes the door, she drops her...

Ladies call me The Weather Man

I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

Lost by few Inches

I was at the track and asked a guy for a tip. He asked me how long my pecker was, I told him 8 inches, he said to bet on the 8 number horse.

The 3 number horse won the race… damn, I knew I shouldn’t have lied.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they are constantly told nonsense about what 20 cm\* is like.

\* about 8 inch.

Walked into the local dive bar ..

Sat at the bar only to hear some lady obnoxiously talking about what kinda men she sleeps with , "I only date guys with 8 inches!". I told her , "I aint cutting 2 inches off for anybody!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to marry your daughter

A man approaches a farmer to ask to marry his daughter whom he has been dating. "Whoever marries my daughter must have a 10 inch penis" the farmer says. They measure it and it's 7 inches. The father likes the young man and says "Go out to the barn. There is a cow there. Ride her for an hour and that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese venture capitalist fell in love with a blonde

A Japanese venture capitalist was visiting the USA to evaluate a startup. The founder was desperate to get funding and to close the deal asked his blonde girlfriend to flirt with him.

The Japanese had never seen such a beauty before and instantly fell in love. The Japanese man asked the blond...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homeless man goes into a pharmacy and asks the young attractive woman behind the counter

"Do you have any male pharmacist here ?"

Woman " Well, me and my twin sister own this place and take turns. Tell me what you want?"

Man " well it's kinda embarrassing."

Woman "Dont worry I'm a professional and deal with many cases everyday".

Man "Well, My cock is always e...

An unethical young scientist finds a frog on the side of the road



He takes it in for studying and sets it on his desk. The scientist prods the frog and tells it to jump. The frog leaps an astonishing 3 feet 8 inches into the air.

The scientist takes one leg off the frog, and then pokes it again, yelling "Jump". The Frog needs no further telling and ...

Are you proportional?

Joel Garner, the 6 Feet 8 Inch Giant West Indian Fast Bowler was once very suggestively asked by A Woman:- "Are you Proportionate All Over ?”

He said:- "No, If that was the case, I would have been 8 feet 6 inches tall."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a snowstorm like a penis?

Because anything less than 8 inches is a disappointment.

I like my friends like I like my socks.....

Hard as a rock and 8 inches inside of me.

There was no snow on my wedding day

But there was 8 inches on my honeymoon.

What's the difference between rare and medium?

6 inches is about medium, 8 inches is rare.

Meteorologist

Why do women hate sleeping with meteorologists?
They say to expect 4-8 inches and you only get 2

3 inches

Weather girl: "and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”

Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."

Doctor: "How come?"

Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An African, an Indian and a Chinese...

were hiking in the rainforest when they were captured by a tribe of savages. All tied up and about to be killed the chief told them the only way he'll let them go is if their dicks add up to 20 inches in length. The African whips his out and and it's an impressive 11 inches, the Indian pulls his out...

A scientist was experimenting with how high frogs could jump.





First, he found a frog and said: "Jump". The frog jumped 2 feet into the air. The scientist recorded this in his notebook.

Next, he carefully pulled one leg off the frog, and told it to jump. It jumped 8 inches into the air, so he recorded this.

He pulled off yet anothe...

Growing Up

My son, Bob, was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now ...

I'll never forget when I saw it for the first time.

I was 12 at the time, I just hit puberty. I measured it and it was 3.5 inches if I remember correctly. I almost couldn't believe my own eyes. It's more than twice of what I been seeing before. It was crazy. Ill never forget how sensitive it was and how inexperienced I was when touching it using my o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, called Joe, Barry and Donald, were walking through some wild lands.

They were suddenly captured by some tribal people who turned out to be cannibals. Somehow they conveyed to these cannibals that they didn't want to be eaten. The cannibals conferred for a bit and decided that they'll let the men go on one condition. They told them that they can go if the individual ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Unhappy Ending

A man is drunk and horny at a bar when he sees a beautiful woman walk in. He takes a shot of whiskey and stumbles up to the woman.

He tells her, "You face is gorgeous, your body is so sexy, and your breasts are perfect. Now tell me what I will find when I get you naked and go down between yo...

It was freezing that day and I prayed for snow at my wedding...

Never happened but I got 8 inches on my honey moon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard this joke on a show called "Accused" it made me laugh

"A man gets his dick cut off at work and they give him 40000 dollars comp... he could get a 4 inch penis for 10 grand, a 6 inch for 30 and the full big 8 inch penis for the full 40. But his wife is there and she needs to help make the decision.
So, his boss leaves, like our lawyer did right ther...

Moral of the story

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found hims...

A gypsy man caught a golden fish

And the fish said "Dear fisherman, if you throw me back in the water, I will grant you three wishes."

The gypsy threw the fish back and went "I want to be white, I want to be 8 inches long and I want all women in the world to want me."

Fish did it's magic and the man turned into a peri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends are walking back home after hiking...

Suddenly, they're kidnapped by a group of cannibals. They strip them naked and tie them to a tree.

"We have one exception to let you live: all three of your dicks must measure to a total of 15 inches."

So they measure the first guy's dick, 8 inches. They measure the second guy's dick...

“NSFW” Why are women so bad with directions?

They can’t tell distance. They’ve been told 5 inches is actually 8 inches so much it’s ingrained.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny Joke

Every day, Little Johnny’s teacher came into school with a word of the day for the class to learn. On this particular morning the word of the day was contagious.

Teacher: Does anyone know how to use the word contagious in a sentence? (Only little Johnny raised his hand)

Teacher: Anyon...

A divorced man

A divorce man was walking on the street suddenly he saw a lamp in the middle of the road.

He picked it up and suddenly a genie poped out and said to man " you have three wishes and be careful what you will wish you ex will get double of that."

Man scratched his head and said "okay give...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hooked up with a girl....

I hooked up with a girl. She said she wanted me to give her 8 inches and make her bleed!

So I fucked her twice and punched her in the nose

The weatherman is always telling me things like "it's 70 degrees out, but feels like 59."

So I told my wife, "oh honey I swear it's 8 inches, but it just feels like 4."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gypsy kid comes home from school and asks his father...

'Dad, am I "outstanding" in reading 'cause I'm a gypsy?'

'No, son. That's 'cause you can read well.'

The next day, the gypsy kid comes home and asks:

'Dad, am I "outstanding" in grammar 'cause I'm a gypsy?'

'No, son. That's 'cause you're good at grammar.'

The next ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women who live in New England can never trust a weatherman...

If they say their dick size is 6 - 8 inches, that means it’s more like 1 - 3

Why do women make such horrible capenters?

Because for years men have telling them that |----------------| is 8 inches long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stuttering Salesman

A salesman goes to the doctor to see if he can fix his stutter. "D-d-doctor," he says, "I h-have a p-p-p-problem. I have th-this st-stutter, and it's m-making it h-h-h-h-hard for me t-to sell s-stuff."

"Let's take a look at you. Get undressed," the doctor replies. The salesman undresses, and ...

Snow in the forecast...

...and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance, with a face like that!"

Mad Mary

was speeding around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she's stopped by crazy Carl. "Let me see your license," he says.

Mary speeds away, but around the corner she runs into loony Leon. "Show me your insurance," he says.

Mary tears off one more time, but around the next corner ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American Records

3 Americans sit in the Office of Guinness Book of Records, talking why they there.
The first flash his dick with 0.8 inches and said:"I have the shortest fick in the States".
The second shows his birth certificate, is 107 years old and said:"I am the oldest American"
The third flashes his ...

Archaeologists in Rome have recently come across the remains of Brutus.

After some careful measurements, they've found that his height was quite astonishing - he was 98 inches tall!

Caesar even once said to him, "*8' 2", Brute?*"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding night revelations

A very religious couple, who have saved themselves until marriage, rush to their hotel room after the wedding ceremonies.

Before they go in, the bride, embarassed, says:

*-My darling, I have a confession to make... I've been wearing padded bras this whole time, my boobs are so very sma...

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frail & Trembling old Woman

walks into a sex shop & shakily made her way up to the clerk at the counter.

"Exc-c-cuse m-me sonny, b-but I n-n-need some i-i-in-inform-m-mation about v-v-vib-brators"

"Certainly madam" said the clerk as he reached under the counter to pull out a box full of the sex toys, took ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man and the prostitute...!!!

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.
She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."
Prostitute: "c'mon man.... gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What am I?

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally ...

A man walks into a bar and saw something amazing

It was a small, small man a little less than a foot tall
playing the piano. He was running back and forth on the chair
and pressing the keys with his arms over his head.
The small man took a break and the man asked,
"That's the most amazing thing I have ever seen.
How's you ...

A husband and his blonde wife.

A husband and his blonde wife are watching the news, when they see a snow storm warning, 6 to 8 inches. The news says to park your car on the even side of the street. She promptly gets up and moves her car.

2 weeks later another storm is moving in, and the news says to park on the odd side o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys want to go out on the town drinking

But between the two of them, they only have about $15. So they are pondering the best way they can go out on the town and get drunk with the money they have. All of a sudden, Guy 1 says "hey, I have an idea! Give me the money you have, and I'll be right back." He goes to the corner deli store and c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A church needed a new bell ringer

A church needed a new bell ringer, so the priest placed a want ad in the local paper. Soon, a man showed up to apply for the job.

The priest, on seeing that the man had no arms, said, "My son, I'm afraid there is no way for you to do this job."

"Father, I really need this job, and I'm...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.