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A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

What do you call a baby in full plate armor?

*Infantry*




Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments

Optimus Prime, in full on robot battle, wondering how the decepticons keep figuring out his next moves before he makes them

only to look down and see that his blinker was on the entire time.

Always make sure to pay an exorcist in full

I didn't, and he repossessed my house

A diver is walking in full gear in the middle of the desert

Suddenly he stumbles upon a man driving a jeep and asks "How long until I reach the sea?" The driver looks at him in disbelief and says "It's miles away!" The diver then throws his goggles in the sand and says "Well f\*ck you and your beach!".

What would the headline be if Barack Obama walked on water across a lake in full view of a Fox News reporter?

"OBAMA CAN'T SWIM"

A friend of mine is really into tattoos and recently had both arms done in full sleeve tattoos.

The right arm is done like those flames you see on old hot rods and the left is done to look like the flames of hell.

First night with the new tatts, he went to a pub wearing a singlet to show off his new art, but was refused entry....

No fire arms allowed.

I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour....

Actually it's probably more of a Knight Mare

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

The worst feeling ever is when you're studying in your room peacefully in full focus mode and a member of your family enter the room and..

wakes you up

What did Zeus say to Athena when she cracked out of his head in full armor?

Girl, you are really getting on Minerva.

Went out drinking with some friends last night and saw a woman in full church garb getting absolutely plastered.

Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen, bar nun.

A woman calls the police on a naked man who stands in full view of her highrise window

A thread on r/ relationships today reminded me of this old joke:

A woman who lives in a high-rise calls the police because there is a man in a building across from hers who stands stark naked in front of his window for long periods every day.

A policeman comes out to corroborate her co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An word play fancy dress party is in full swing [nsfw]

The host walks up to a lady who's completely naked apart from pink ribbon covering her modesty

He says "what have you come as?"

She says " I'm tickled pink, of course"

The host then walks over to a man in a green Lycra suit with the initials N and V on his chest

He says "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

Job Interview, Got it in my family group

Job Interview.



OFFICER:- What is your name?

Manoj :- M.P. sir

OFFICER:- In full please

Manoj :- Manoj Pandey

OFFICER:- Your father's name?

Manoj:- M.P. sir

OFFICER:- What does that mean?

Manoj:- Madan Pandey

OFFICER:- Your na...

The Shoppers

A man walked into a fur store accompanied by beautiful, stacked redhead. "Show my new girlfriend your finest mink," he announced loudly. The storeowner quickly retrieved a full coat, which the redhead tried on and loved. "That coat costs $100,000," the shop owner said. "No problem," the man smiled, ...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich

Barman: You’re a duck and you can talk?!

Duck: Quite observant I see, Don’t worry I can pay.

Barman: I’m terribly sorry if I offended you, might I ask, what brings you to a bar like this?

Duck: If you must know, I work on the construction site across the road, if you don’t mind ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a terrible student...

This student comes to class only a quarter of the time, never turns in homework, never speaks in class or participates in group exercises, etc. However, he always does well on exams and quizzes, even when it seems like he hasn't studied at all. The strangest thing is that every time there's an exam,...

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