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Ideas Jokes

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Dick tattoo ideas

Get a thermometer made on your dick
Something funny to say to a girl with whom you're having consensual sex.
Me- Girl you look sick, would you like me to take your temperature?

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

I've never been to a gynecologist's office, but I have some ideas about what happens there ...

It's all just speculation of course.

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

Ideas for Physical Puns/Jokes?

I enjoy doing physical puns/jokes to brighten up work, but I'm running out of ideas. Any ideas people have would be greatly appreciated!

I work in a school, so child-friendly jokes would be best.

Examples of ones I've done so far:

- putting a leek in the cupboard and panicking a...

Okay, we need a title for our fantasy novel involving dragons. Any ideas?

…Dragon?

It can’t just be Dragon.

Umm… Cragon?

No, that’s awful. Come on, think harder.

Umm…. Eragon?

….Bingo.

Paul: "So, anybody have any ideas for the last part of 'Hey,Jude'?"

John: "Nah."
George: "Nah."
Ringo: "Nah."

*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"

"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"

"Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. Tha...

Offensive crayon ideas!

Presidential Orange

Miscarriage Maroon

Privilege White

Travel Ban Brown

Lives Matter Black

"I should have known better than to talk to him like that, these bruises are my fault" Blue

I met someone with halitosis last night. He had some strange ideas but, oddly enough,

everything he said made scents

Smart thoughts and good ideas were following John wherever he went...

But that dumbass was always faster!

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump

A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read.

Donald Trump is being followed by smart ideas

But he's faster

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the politician that ran out of ideas?

I told him he's probably constipated, and drinking a cup of coffee should get the shit flowing again.

Why do anti-vaccine ideas spread?

They go viral.

I need Halloween costume ideas

I was planning on going as a yoghurt but then I realised it'd be considered cultural appropriation.

This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.

I said that for my birthday, I would like a threesome. I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.

She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.

But I think I ruined the night when ...

This is a good joke to play on others. Pretend you're trying to solve a crossword puzzle- and say aloud "Postman -blank-. Any ideas?"

They'll likely say something like "Postman Pat" to which you reply- "no that doesn't fit.".

Then- if they're not completely thick- they should ask "How many letters?" and you tell 'em "A SACKFUL!"

Then they'll leave in disgust.

Ideas that aren't profitable

Don't make any cents

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

Any tips / ideas on what to do for memorial day?

I forgot what to do

My friend asked me if I had any ideas for remodeling his driveway but he needed to know by tomorrow.

I told him I’d need more time than that to come up with something concrete

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

What an Idea..!!!

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

My wife and I have different ideas on death.

I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas.

But it’s still up in the air.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference in virginity, a dollar, and an idea?

If you are a virgin and I am a virgin and we give each other our virginity then neither of us are virgins.

If you have a dollar and I have a dollar and we give each other our dollar then we both still only have a dollar.

If you have an idea and I have an idea and we give each other ou...

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