As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Philosophers in hot air balloons.

They think highly of us.

What do you call a surprised philosopher

Shockrates

Why do philosophers have long beards?

Because they use Occam's razor.

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

So I was reading the Wikipedia article about Occam’s Razor...

...and the entire concept went completely over my head. I read the article over and over trying to get my head around it but I was totally lost. It got to the point that I started thinking that someone had made the article confusing as a joke. Maybe Occam’s Razor isn’t even a real thing? Maybe its j...

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

Why do philosophers have bad teeth?

Because they don’t get transcendental plans.

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

How do philosophers greet each other?

"Why are you?"

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it depends on what you mean by change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Greeks vs. The Italians

The Greeks say, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italians say, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks say, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italians say, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours, until final...

Can you imagine referring to philosophers by their first initial and last name?

Because I Kant.

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.

All the great Greek philosophers died as they lived...

A long time ago, and probably in Greece

What kind of shirts do philosophers wear

Soccer tees

What most philosophers can...

Emmanuel Kant.

What do you call a group of philosophers?

An argument.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of philosophers entered a statue contest…

After an hour, their statue was ready. The judge walked up to see a row of tees in grass, with soccer balls sitting on top.
The judge said, "Excellent work. As philosophers, I can see how you've incorporated your jobs into your piece. The soccer represents cooperation among mankind, to protect ...

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – its a pseudo-problem… light bulbs give off light (hence the name). If the bulb was broken and wasn’t giving off light, it wouldn’t be a ‘light bulb’ now would it? And if it wasn't broken, then why does it need changing?

I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers...

but I Kant.

In the Philosophers prison...

I shank, therefore you are not

Philosophical Q&A

An angel came down for a meeting of the Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’...

The world's philosophers and theologians have gathered for a summit...

...held, dramatically enough, on the summit of an actual mountain. Everyone was having a great time, mingling together, discussing the great philosophical questions of the day.

Rumors started to swirl around about one particular holy man who had joined the day's festivities. This particularly...

I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers.

Must've been the soccer tees.

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