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Philosophers Jokes

What's a Philosophers favourite sport?

Discuss

Do philosophers use diapers?

It depends.

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An angel appeared before a conference of philosophers.

Everyone was shocked, especially considering many of them were atheists. At once, a debate raged about what to ask this supernatural entity.

Seeing the commotion, in a booming voice, the angel said, "I will return in one hour, at which time I will answer any one question with 100% certainty....

How do philosophers make money?

The philoso-fees!

Three philosophers walk into bar.

Three philosophers walk into a bar: a nihilist, a fatalist, and an absurdist. They all are served an empty shotglass, which they dutifully and gladly accept.


The first two stay sober but the absurdist still gets hammered.

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

Famous Philosophers

Aristotle - "what does it mean to be a good person"

Descartes - what does it mean to "be"

Nietzsche - "what does it mean"

Bertrand Russell - "what does 'it' mean"

C.S. Lewis - "what does it"

Lil Jon - "what"

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

Why don't cats study German philosophers?

They Kant read

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The Greeks vs. the Italians A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”


The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”


The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”


The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”


And so on and so on for hours...

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

Why would Train Mechanics be really good Philosophers?

Because they're always dealing with a trolley problem

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Philosophical dialogue

Two philosophers were drinking at a strip club, having a conversation and one says: "I've always been fascinated by the three simpler questions about life and I didn't find the answer yet!"

"What questions?", says the other.

"You know, the fundamental ones: where do we come from, why ...

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, that's a good question.

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

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Philosophers only want one thing

And it’s fucking discussing.

I constantly get misunderstandings and Chinese philosophers mixed up.

It’s so Confucius.

Two philosophers are engaged in a rousing debate.

The first says "All my studies, discussions and experiences lead me to firm belief that humans have agency. What has led you to your belief in determinism?"
The second responds:
"The big bang."

Philosophers in hot air balloons.

They think highly of us.

Why do philosophers have long beards?

Because they use Occam's razor.

Two nudist philosophers are sitting by the pool and one says, "Have you read Marx?

The other replies, "Yes, I believe it's from the cane chairs."

Once again, I'm checking out this book "Greek Philosophers: From Aristotle to Zeno"

I've never finished it for some reason.

Why do philosophers have bad teeth?

Because they don’t get transcendental plans.

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Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

What kind of shirts do philosophers wear

Soccer tees

What's a philosophers favorite toy?

Plato

What do you call a group of philosophers?

An argument.

The world's philosophers and theologians have gathered for a summit...

...held, dramatically enough, on the summit of an actual mountain. Everyone was having a great time, mingling together, discussing the great philosophical questions of the day.

Rumors started to swirl around about one particular holy man who had joined the day's festivities. This particularly...

Who are the greatest philosophers today?

The TSA. They are always asking people, "Who are you?", "Where did you come from?", "Why are you here?", and "Where are you going?"

All the great Greek philosophers died as they lived...

A long time ago, and probably in Greece

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A group of philosophers entered a statue contest…

After an hour, their statue was ready. The judge walked up to see a row of tees in grass, with soccer balls sitting on top.
The judge said, "Excellent work. As philosophers, I can see how you've incorporated your jobs into your piece. The soccer represents cooperation among mankind, to protect ...

Philosophical Q&A

An angel came down for a meeting of the Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’...

I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers...

but I Kant.

Can you imagine referring to philosophers by their first initial and last name?

Because I Kant.

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