How do philosophers make money?

The philoso-fees!

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

Two Philosophers and a YouTuber Meet in the Dead of Night to Discuss their Darkest Secrets

They begin by releasing their darkest secrets in exchange for more secrets. After each of them let out their darkest secrets, the YouTuber asks for a break.

The philosophers tell him that he can take a break, so the YouTuber wanders off while the philosophers remain at the table. With just th...

Why would Train Mechanics be really good Philosophers?

Because they're always dealing with a trolley problem

Two nudist philosophers are sitting by the pool and one says, "Have you read Marx?

The other replies, "Yes, I believe it's from the cane chairs."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Philosophical dialogue

Two philosophers were drinking at a strip club, having a conversation and one says: "I've always been fascinated by the three simpler questions about life and I didn't find the answer yet!"

"What questions?", says the other.

"You know, the fundamental ones: where do we come from, why ...

Why don't cats study German philosophers?

They Kant read

Famous Philosophers

Aristotle - "what does it mean to be a good person"

Descartes - what does it mean to "be"

Nietzsche - "what does it mean"

Bertrand Russell - "what does 'it' mean"

C.S. Lewis - "what does it"

Lil Jon - "what"

Once again, I'm checking out this book "Greek Philosophers: From Aristotle to Zeno"

I've never finished it for some reason.

Two philosophers are engaged in a rousing debate.

The first says "All my studies, discussions and experiences lead me to firm belief that humans have agency. What has led you to your belief in determinism?"
The second responds:
"The big bang."

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

How many philosophers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They Kant

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Philosophers only want one thing

And it’s fucking discussing.

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

What do you call a surprised philosopher

Shockrates

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

Philosophers in hot air balloons.

They think highly of us.

Why do philosophers have long beards?

Because they use Occam's razor.

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

Why do philosophers have bad teeth?

Because they don’t get transcendental plans.

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, that's a good question.

Can you imagine referring to philosophers by their first initial and last name?

Because I Kant.

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Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

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