Why do philosophers have long beards?

Because they use Occam's razor.

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

Why do philosophers have bad teeth?

Because they don’t get transcendental plans.

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

How do philosophers greet each other?

"Why are you?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In one of my philosophy courses, the professor discussed the sex life of some famous ancient philosophers. Apparently, Plato was incredibly unlucky with the ladies.

Most of his relationships were platonic

Can you imagine referring to philosophers by their first initial and last name?

Because I Kant.

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it depends on what you mean by change.

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

All the great Greek philosophers died as they lived...

A long time ago, and probably in Greece

What kind of shirts do philosophers wear

Soccer tees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.

What do you call a group of philosophers?

An argument.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of philosophers entered a statue contest…

After an hour, their statue was ready. The judge walked up to see a row of tees in grass, with soccer balls sitting on top.
The judge said, "Excellent work. As philosophers, I can see how you've incorporated your jobs into your piece. The soccer represents cooperation among mankind, to protect ...

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – its a pseudo-problem… light bulbs give off light (hence the name). If the bulb was broken and wasn’t giving off light, it wouldn’t be a ‘light bulb’ now would it? And if it wasn't broken, then why does it need changing?

I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers.

Must've been the soccer tees.

I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers...

but I Kant.

The world's philosophers and theologians have gathered for a summit...

...held, dramatically enough, on the summit of an actual mountain. Everyone was having a great time, mingling together, discussing the great philosophical questions of the day.

Rumors started to swirl around about one particular holy man who had joined the day's festivities. This particularly...

Two nudists philosophers were sitting around when one of them asked the other, "Have you read Marx?"

The other one replied "Yes, I think it's the wicker furniture".

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