Once, A long, long time ago, there was a woman who never complained, whined, or nagged.

But, as I said, it was a long long time ago, and only for a day.

Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“Y...

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisle...

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

Holiday trip to Alcatraz

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.


Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them...

What do you call a 20 year old spaceship that whines all the time and never wants to run properly?

The Millenial Falcon.

What do you call a dinner at a fancy restaurant with your 3 year old?

Whine & dine


I'll see myself out

What is served at a Trump rally?

White whine and salty crackers!!

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A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.

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A girl wants to go see a movie with her friends, but she doesn't have a ride.

So she goes to her dad and asks to borrow the car for the night. He says, "Sure, you can borrow the car, buy first you have to give me a blowjob." She whines and cries, but he doesn't budge.

Eventually, she relents and agrees to the task. She gives his dick an initial lick and says, "Ew! Dad...

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Archie the Strangler

A British gangster sat in the corner of a pub with his best mate. Tired and frustrated, he sighed and turned to his friend "I can't stand it anymore, every day and every night she whines and complains at me. On and on and on... I'm so sick of it, I'd gladly have her killed if I could!"

His fr...

The mail gets delivered and...

The mail gets delivered and this busy Mom sees that she has been given mail for her neighbor. She scoops up her baby and goes out to deliver it to the correct house. She walks a couple houses down and pops the mail into the mailbox. Almost immediately her baby starts making a sound like a tuning for...

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Pierre the French Aviator

Pierre the French Aviator was dashingly handsome and quite the ladies man. He went out one night and met a beautiful lady and seduced her. They went back to his place where things started to progress...

*"Oh Pierre! Pierre? Won't you kiss me?"* asked the woman.

(In thick French accent)...

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On his recent visit to England Trump is very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty...

So while having dinner seated next to the Queen he announces boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"
The Queen shakes her head and says somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".
A bit defe...

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My work is fucking horrible.

Its mostly the people that work there:

First we have this dumb bitch. She is constantly conplaining about this and that. She is an 11/10 and cant solve a simple problem to save her fucking life. She is dumber than a box of rocks and i hate that i have an enormous crush on her.

Next we ...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

What do Portland, Oregon, and the finest restaurants in France have in common?

White whine.

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Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free...

Playing doctor in the bedroom can be fun.

Until you try and amputate her leg and she wants to whine the whole time.

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed. A big guy comes in and walks over to the man. He takes the shot sitting next to him and chugs it down. The man starts bawling, so the big guy says “Hey, it was just a joke. Here, I’ll buy you another one,”. The man whines “First I wake up and my wife left...

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

Weights

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department of the sporting goods store.

"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

"I don't know, M...

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Long but funny joke (nsfw a tiny bit I guess?)

One day a man was walking down the road and saw a sign on a stable that read "$500 to anyone who can make my horse stop crying" so as any person would do he went to see the horse owner

The horse owned said "i don't know what's wrong with him he just won't stop crying and crying, he has been ...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money

The guy asks "What is the jar for?". Bartender replies "That is a challenge jar." "What's that?" The guys asks. "The challenge is, that you get 2 tasks. 1st Is that there is a grandma in the 3rd floor of this house that hasn't had a man in 40 years. So you will need to pleasure her. The 2. one is th...

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The bar

A man walks into a bar and buys a drink.

He notices a large glass container filled with money and asks the bartender:

“What is that glass container for?”

The bartender replies:

“We have a game here in this bar that no one has ever beat. To play you must pay $50.”

T...

Looking for Office help..

So they put a sign in the window, that read:

HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist ...

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What do you call a basement full of liberals?

A whine cellar.

A vulture and his son

A long time ago, in a very flat place, there lived a teenage vulture named Red. He and his father were the only vultures around, and dined on the various animals that were hit by trucks on the highway. As most teenagers do, Red eventually got tired of his diet of dead things.

"Dad" he whined....

Bar Contest

So a guy who's new in town walks into the nearest water hole. As he walks in he see this huge jar full of ten dollar bills. Curious, he asks the barman what its all about. 
"If you can complete three challenges you win the whole jar." 
The guy thought there must have been thousands in th...

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A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no fucking idea."

Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me ...

Stuck up people are the worst

They always whine and cry when you are taking their money.

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work

I painted it white and now the system is corrupt.

Painted it yellow and all the drivers crashed

Painted a vagina on it and now all it does is whine.

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A plane was travelling from America to the UK

A plane was travelling from America to the UK when, about 15 minutes into the journey, there is a slight rumble, a slight whine followed by the pilots voice over the PA system.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that one of our engines has stopped...

Why is Trump's face so cheesy?

It's for all of that whine.

Replaced my girlfriend with a supercharger

At least I enjoy hearing it whine

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Guy walks into a bar, sign says Win Grand Prize $10,000, ask the bartender

So the guy asks. The bartender says, you have to do three things: first you have to whip the bar back's ass he's 6'3 and 250 pounds. Next you have to go down in the basement and pull a sore tooth out of my Rottweilers mouth. Lastly, you have to go upstairs and fuck my grandmother and she's 97 years ...

I hate whiners

I just don't know how to tell people

A man and a small girl were walking in the woods at night.

The forest was dark and silent.
The girl whined: "I'm scared!"
The man replied: "Oh, YOU're scared?! I have to get out of here all by myself!"

A man goes to the beach...

...while he's walking down the shore he sees a 20-year old, blonde-haired girl sitting in the sand crying. Concerned, the man runs over to her. "What's wrong?" He asks.
"I'm twenty years old and I've never been hugged by someone other than family!" She starts sobbing.
Feeling bad, the man hugs...

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A guy tells his wife that he’s going fishing...

His wife starts to complain because she says he never takes her anywhere, so he tells her, “Fine, you can come fishing with me and the dog tomorrow!” The next morning, the husband wakes up and wakes his wife. Now she’s seen that her manipulation has worked a little too well and says, “I don’t want...

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"I know everybody!"

Bob and Jeff are talking amongst themselves, when Bob says "I know every single person in the world."
Jeff says "That's not possible! There's no way you can know everybody in the world."
"Okay," Bob replies with a smug look, "I'll prove it. Let's go see my friend Bill Gates."
With that,...

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Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door.
In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a giant jar of $20 notes...

"What's with the jar?" the man asks the bartender.

"That's for the bar challenge, you put $20 in and if you complete three tasks you get the lot."

"What are the three tasks?" the customer asks, intrigued.

"First you need to drink a gallon of homemade moonshine, the strongest we...

This guy takes his sick parrot to the vet...

The vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the guy, "How can you so sure? I’d like a second opinion."
The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up ...

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A man gets into a taxi

and is surprised to see that his driver is wearing a Darth Vader costume. The man decides not to make a scene, and the driver, in a normal voice, asks "Where to?" The man gives the driver the address of his house, and Darth starts making his way there.

The quickest route involves going on the...

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Old enough to serve, not old enough to be served: the Army and Alcohol

There was a thread a while back where a pun thread took off; it was about the moral hypocrisy of being allowed to put your life at risk fighting in war, while simultaneously not being allowed to drink alcohol.

While I detest most pun threads, this one seemed entertaining to me for some reason...

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Purely a Fable

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch...



But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

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