If two Egyptian pharaohs farted at the same time...

...did they toot in common?

Quack a doodle doo

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anyt...

How do hookers fart

They let out little prosti-toots

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A lady walks into Tiffany's...

A lady walks into Tiffany's...she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little toot and prays that a salesperso...

Not to toot my own horn...

...but I can for fifty bucks.

Highway 66

Along Highway 66 there drove an old man in a busted up car, after driving for 2 hrs, his car broke down so he pulled over. After looking at the car he decided to flag down another car for a tow to the nearest town.

After waiting for several hours along came a man driving a ferrari, who saw th...

Did you hear about the flatulent Egyptians that met on Tinder?

They had TOOT in common.

The young Pharoah rarely, if ever, passed gas...

This is why they nicknamed him King Toot Uncommon.

-from my son, age 10

An elderly woman goes to the doctor...

..."I've got a rather strange and embarrassing ailment, doctor" she says.

"I've got such horrible gas - all day long I'm farting - but *it never makes a sound and is completely odorless!* Have you ever heard of such a thing?"

The doc quietly nods and says "Here, take these pills twice ...

On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood bar, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.



After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of ot...

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A older married couple were laying in bed one night....

reading a book before bed. The husband lets out a huge fart and says "Touch down"! His wife was disgusted at first but suddenly lets out a fart and says "Touchdown...Tie game". Not to be out done, the husband tries to fart again but only let out a tiny little toot...."field goal! 3 points"! The wife...

What’s the difference between a teacher/professor and a train?

One will tell you to spit your gum out and the other will tell you to “chew-chew-chew”

One will tell you to throw away your drink and the other will tell you to “chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga”

One will tell you to hold in your farts and the other will tell you “toot-tooooooooooooot”

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A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

What does a trumpet have in common with King Tut?

They have the fact that both toot in common

What do you call a hooker's farts?

Prosti-toots!

Did you hear about the Pharaoh who rarely farted?

His name was Toot-uncommon

What do you call it when a pharaoh farts just like his dad?

King Toot in common

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A Prostitute Walks Into a Bar

A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the ...

What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden?

She had to root-e-toot

Did you know back in the New Kingdom era, high ranking Egyptians were known for farting?

They all had a toot-in-common

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the Pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot uncommon

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What do you call a sex worker's fart?

A prosti-toot!

What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?

A private toot-er

If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn.

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How do you know a call is a butt dial?

Listen for the toot. (From my 8 year old son.)

Last time I rode the train in London, I taught my dog to play the trumpet.

We went from Barking to Tooting.

(you may need to be British to get this joke but trust me it's amazing)

What do you call a hooker with a gluten intolerance

A pasta-toot

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A man and a woman were married for 50 years.

Every morning the man would roll over on his side and let rip s horrible smelling fart. Every day the wife would tell him, “One day you are gonna shit your guts out.”

One day after years and years of it. The wife is preparing a turkey dinner and decided to save the guts and giblets and put t...

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

An old couple was lying in bed.

The husband let out a resounding fart and said, "Touchdown. Seven points.".

Immediately his wife ripped her own and went, "Touchdown. 7-7!"

The husband responded with another colder and said, "14-7 my game."

Just then the wife came back with another fart and declared, "14-14. I'...

TIL Ancient Egyptian pyramids didn't have doorbells, they had horns instead.

You just used to toot and come in.

A Tutor Who Tooted

A tutor who tooted the flute 

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot 

Said the two to the tutor 

“Is it tougher to toot 

Or to tutor two tooters to toot?”

What happened to the jazz player whose wife left him?

He had to toot his own horn.

Why is an Egyptian tomb like a train whistle?

They have a toot in common.

I can put both of my legs behind my head.

Y'know, not to toot my own horn or anything.

At 1:58 two young girls ran out in front of my car, so I slammed on my breaks and honked my horn. On the other side of the road behind the wheel was an African activist, who had to slam on his breaks to avoid hitting a pair of young girls as well.

Desmond Tutu tooted two too, at two to two.

An Egyptian guy and I were hanging out one day...

We both farted at the same time. We have a toot-n-common

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What's the difference between a hooker and farting after eating spaghetti?

One gets paid to have sex and the other's a pasta toot.

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If you realize someone farted,

Is that an ass-toot observation?

2 mummies shared a fart

They had a toot in common

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Engineering pickup lines

Engineering pickup lines:

Hey babe, what's your factor of safety?

Can I use my sigma to find your tau max?

What frequency does it take to make your O-me-ga

How big does your period need to be to reduce our frequency

How about you and I go have a couple moment
...

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Emergency flashers

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn...

Why are Egyptian saxophonists all such good friends?

They've got a "toot in common."

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Two guys were leaving the strip club...

Jim and John were out of one dollar bills, and it was very late.

"Oh no", John say's - "the wife is gonna kill me. When I'm out too late, I park a block away, take me shoes off in the drive way, use my oiled key in the lock, take off my clothes in the living room, tip-toe upstairs, hold my ...

An older lady visits a doctor to seek help with her frequent gas issues.

**Lady:** Doctor, you've got to help me. Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor. As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell.

**Doctor:** I see. I have a couple of ideas. Le...

Did you know that ancient Egyptians were related by their farts?

It's true. They had a toot in common.

What Egyptian King called for equal farting rights for all?

Toot-in-common

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He was extremely nervous to have dinner with his girlfriends family

He was sitting around the table with his girlfriend right next to him, her mother on the other side, her two siblings in the middle two seats, her father directly across from him at the head of the table, and the family dog, Spot, relaxed on the floor.

All of a sudden the urge to fart hit ...

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He g...

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Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

A rich society hostess gives a dinner for a number of businessmen.

Unfortunately she suffers from flatulence. The first time she 'toots' one of the gentlemen gets up and says pardon me ma'am and leaves the room. The next time she 'toots' another gentleman does the same. An American turns to his British colleague and says 'What gives - she keeps farting and guys lea...

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A new priest is about to give his first sermon...

and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help.

"Well I'll tell you what," says the older priest, "I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."

"Thanks Father!" says the new priest.

After the...

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