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Toot Jokes

How is an Egyptian mummy similar to a fart?

They have a toot in common.

A Tutor Who Tooted

A tutor who tooted the flute 

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot 

Said the two to the tutor 

“Is it tougher to toot 

Or to tutor two tooters to toot?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a flatulent, captive audience?

Ass-toot observers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a hooker and a fart?

One is a prostitute, and the other is a prostate toot.

What do you call a Pharoah that rarely farts?

Tutankhamen

(Toot uncommon)

What do you call a cat who likes to pass gas?

Puss and toots

I've heard that hookers don't fart.

They do little prosti-toots.

What do you call a Hooker's fart?

A prosti-toot.

Not to toot my own horn but..

I got my bottom 2 ribs removed

If you cross a lollipop with a slide whistle, you get a Melodie Pop.

Do it quickly and you get a Toot Sweet.

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot Uncommon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two oldsters in a retirement home decide to get married.

But before they can do so, a doctor gives each one a physical to make sure that consummating the marriage would not be too dangerous for them.

He examines the man first, all is OK.

Then he examines the woman. He comes out with a rather somber look on his face and says to the man: «...

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"


The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

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Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

The teller is a little taken aback by the customer's language, but does her best to be professional.

"Sir, I'm more than happy to help with that, but I'm going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business."

"Whoa, Lady, take it easy," the man says, "I just ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two farm-hands are lying in their bunk house.

One asks the other "Hey Jimbo, what time is it?"

Jimbo responds, "Well here, let me check." And he pulls out a bugle, and gives it a toot.

From his house, the owner of the farm shouts: "The hell are you playing a bugle for at two in the morning?!"

"Well." Jimbo says, "it's two ...

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

What's worse than hearing someone brag about how flexible they are?

Watching them toot their own horn.

The young Pharoah rarely, if ever, passed gas...

This is why they nicknamed him King Toot Uncommon.

-from my son, age 10

I'm pretty good at . . .

Tooting my own horn.

There was once an Egyptian Pharaoh rumored to have never passed gas...

His name was Toot-Uncommon.

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

An elderly lady visits the doctor for a regular checkup...

After the checkup the doctor asks "anything else?" The old gal replies that yes, indeed there is something else but it's quite embarrassing. The doctor assures her that being a doctor, nothing fases him. So she continues "you see doctor, I've got terrible gas, funny thing is its silent and odorless....

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

An original from my 7 year old

What do you call a toot in the bath tub?



A bath bomb

What do you call it when someone notices your fart?

An “ass-toot” observation

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said,

”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now".

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people ...

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

What do you call instructions on how to fart properly?

A toot-orial...

What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can anyone guess the company name that specializes in Prosthetics Assholes.

PROSTI-TOOT

Bronko Nagurski story

After retiring from the NFL, Bronko lived out the rest of his 82-year life on the shores of Rainy Lake on the Canadian border. He preferred not to "toot his own horn" and refused most interviews. Other than farming, Bronko ran a service station in International Falls with his sons. He became famous ...

What di you call a rare fart in Egypt?

A toot uncommon!

How did the man learn how to fart loudly?

He watched a toot-torial

What do flatulent Egyptian twins share?

They have a Toot-in-common.

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A older husband and wife are laying in bed...

...when the husband lets go a fart, and the wife says what was that?

the husband says that was a touchdown, 7-0.

about 5 minutes later the wife also lets a fart go and says its 7-7.

then a short while passes and the husband lets another ripper go and says its 14-7.

then t...

A poem, with a title at the end

Darkness, silence, cool serene morning
Daybreak not yet piercing the shades
Crackling, popping, cut through the nothing
Shoulders tense, poised for responding
Electricity in fibers, pushing up against gravity
Hands sinking inward, but head rising lightly
Head tossed sideways and ey...

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Never trust a banker...

A guy walks into a bank and walks up to the teller, who happens to be an attractive young woman. The customer says, "Hey toots, great tits, I wanna open a fucking checking account. "

The teller is of course *instantly* offended. "Sir, that is insulting and sexist and I will *not* put up with ...

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

(fallout joke) Why do synths fart so fast?

-they were made by the insta-toot! (institute)

(i made my GF laugh she just started playing it)

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How are Egyptians, trains, and butts similar?

They've got toot in common.

Did you hear about the flatulent Egyptians that met on Tinder?

They had TOOT in common.

Have you heard about the Catholic church that is having drive-up confessions due to COVID-19?

It’s called “Toot and Tell or go to Hell”

What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes?

"You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!"

Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi

My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:

Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.

Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, th...

An older lady visits a doctor to seek help with her frequent gas issues.

**Lady:** Doctor, you've got to help me. Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor. As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell.

**Doctor:** I see. I have a couple of ideas. Le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed....

What do you call a woman of the night playing a trumpet?

A prosti-toot

What does a trumpet have in common with King Tut?

They have the fact that both toot in common

What do you call it when a pharaoh farts just like his dad?

King Toot in common

The Blind Sales Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden?

She had to root-e-toot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know a call is a butt dial?

Listen for the toot. (From my 8 year old son.)

Fun with police

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternit...

Did you know back in the New Kingdom era, high ranking Egyptians were known for farting?

They all had a toot-in-common

TIL Ancient Egyptian pyramids didn't have doorbells, they had horns instead.

You just used to toot and come in.

What happened to the jazz player whose wife left him?

He had to toot his own horn.

What do you call a hooker with a gluten intolerance

A pasta-toot

What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?

A private toot-er

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a hooker and farting after eating spaghetti?

One gets paid to have sex and the other's a pasta toot.

Why is an Egyptian tomb like a train whistle?

They have a toot in common.

An Egyptian guy and I were hanging out one day...

We both farted at the same time. We have a toot-n-common

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are watching an orchestra

All of a sudden, a high- pitched trumpet was heard. The auditorium went silent. Holmes whispered to Watson,"who do you think played the wrong note?"


"I think it was the tuba player", Watson replied.


"How do you figure that?", asked Holmes, confused.


"Why, the man fa...

A rich society hostess gives a dinner for a number of businessmen.

Unfortunately she suffers from flatulence. The first time she 'toots' one of the gentlemen gets up and says pardon me ma'am and leaves the room. The next time she 'toots' another gentleman does the same. An American turns to his British colleague and says 'What gives - she keeps farting and guys lea...

What’s the difference between a teacher/professor and a train?

One will tell you to spit your gum out and the other will tell you to “chew-chew-chew”

One will tell you to throw away your drink and the other will tell you to “chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga”

One will tell you to hold in your farts and the other will tell you “toot-tooooooooooooot”

I can put both of my legs behind my head.

Y'know, not to toot my own horn or anything.

Last time I rode the train in London, I taught my dog to play the trumpet.

We went from Barking to Tooting.

(you may need to be British to get this joke but trust me it's amazing)

Did you know that ancient Egyptians were related by their farts?

It's true. They had a toot in common.

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