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Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

The teller is a little taken aback by the customer's language, but does her best to be professional.

"Sir, I'm more than happy to help with that, but I'm going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business."

"Whoa, Lady, take it easy," the man says, "I just ...

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

Not to toot my own horn...

...but I can for fifty bucks.

Have you heard about the Catholic church that is having drive-up confessions due to COVID-19?

It’s called “Toot and Tell or go to Hell”

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How are Egyptians, trains, and butts similar?

They've got toot in common.

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"


The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

A Tutor Who Tooted

A tutor who tooted the flute 

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot 

Said the two to the tutor 

“Is it tougher to toot 

Or to tutor two tooters to toot?”

What name did they give the Egyptian pharaoh who rarely passed gas?

Toot-uncommon

Hookers don’t fart

They let out little prosti-toots

What do you call it when a hooker farts?

A prosti-toot

What do you call a pharaoh who farts infrequently?

Toot-uncommon.

Pharaohs almost never farted until it hurt. It was considered a terrible fate

Many called it the curse of Toot-uncommon.

The young Pharoah rarely, if ever, passed gas...

This is why they nicknamed him King Toot Uncommon.

-from my son, age 10

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are watching an orchestra

All of a sudden, a high- pitched trumpet was heard. The auditorium went silent. Holmes whispered to Watson,"who do you think played the wrong note?"


"I think it was the tuba player", Watson replied.


"How do you figure that?", asked Holmes, confused.


"Why, the man fa...

If two Egyptian pharaohs farted at the same time...

...did they toot in common?

Not to toot my own horn but..

I got my bottom 2 ribs removed

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A lady walks into Tiffany's...

A lady walks into Tiffany's...she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little toot and prays that a salesperso...

Why was the pharaoh startled by his wife's loud fart?

It was a toot uncommon to him.

Did you hear about the flatulent Egyptians that met on Tinder?

They had TOOT in common.

Quack a doodle doo

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anyt...

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

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A older married couple were laying in bed one night....

reading a book before bed. The husband lets out a huge fart and says "Touch down"! His wife was disgusted at first but suddenly lets out a fart and says "Touchdown...Tie game". Not to be out done, the husband tries to fart again but only let out a tiny little toot...."field goal! 3 points"! The wife...

Highway 66

Along Highway 66 there drove an old man in a busted up car, after driving for 2 hrs, his car broke down so he pulled over. After looking at the car he decided to flag down another car for a tow to the nearest town.

After waiting for several hours along came a man driving a ferrari, who saw th...

What does a trumpet have in common with King Tut?

They have the fact that both toot in common

What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden?

She had to root-e-toot

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A Prostitute Walks Into a Bar

A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the ...

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the Pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot uncommon

On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood bar, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.



After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of ot...

What’s the difference between a teacher/professor and a train?

One will tell you to spit your gum out and the other will tell you to “chew-chew-chew”

One will tell you to throw away your drink and the other will tell you to “chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga”

One will tell you to hold in your farts and the other will tell you “toot-tooooooooooooot”

What do you call it when a pharaoh farts just like his dad?

King Toot in common

Last time I rode the train in London, I taught my dog to play the trumpet.

We went from Barking to Tooting.

(you may need to be British to get this joke but trust me it's amazing)

Did you know back in the New Kingdom era, high ranking Egyptians were known for farting?

They all had a toot-in-common

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Two farm-hands are lying in their bunk house.

One asks the other "Hey Jimbo, what time is it?"

Jimbo responds, "Well here, let me check." And he pulls out a bugle, and gives it a toot.

From his house, the owner of the farm shouts: "The hell are you playing a bugle for at two in the morning?!"

"Well." Jimbo says, "it's two ...

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How do you know a call is a butt dial?

Listen for the toot. (From my 8 year old son.)

An old couple was lying in bed.

The husband let out a resounding fart and said, "Touchdown. Seven points.".

Immediately his wife ripped her own and went, "Touchdown. 7-7!"

The husband responded with another colder and said, "14-7 my game."

Just then the wife came back with another fart and declared, "14-14. I'...

I'm pretty good at . . .

Tooting my own horn.

What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?

A private toot-er

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were married for 50 years.

Every morning the man would roll over on his side and let rip s horrible smelling fart. Every day the wife would tell him, “One day you are gonna shit your guts out.”

One day after years and years of it. The wife is preparing a turkey dinner and decided to save the guts and giblets and put t...

TIL Ancient Egyptian pyramids didn't have doorbells, they had horns instead.

You just used to toot and come in.

What do you call a hooker with a gluten intolerance

A pasta-toot

What happened to the jazz player whose wife left him?

He had to toot his own horn.

I can put both of my legs behind my head.

Y'know, not to toot my own horn or anything.

Why is an Egyptian tomb like a train whistle?

They have a toot in common.

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What's the difference between a hooker and farting after eating spaghetti?

One gets paid to have sex and the other's a pasta toot.

What do you call a woman of the night playing a trumpet?

A prosti-toot

An Egyptian guy and I were hanging out one day...

We both farted at the same time. We have a toot-n-common

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A older husband and wife are laying in bed...

...when the husband lets go a fart, and the wife says what was that?

the husband says that was a touchdown, 7-0.

about 5 minutes later the wife also lets a fart go and says its 7-7.

then a short while passes and the husband lets another ripper go and says its 14-7.

then t...

2 mummies shared a fart

They had a toot in common

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My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed....

If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn

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Emergency flashers

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn...

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Two guys were leaving the strip club...

Jim and John were out of one dollar bills, and it was very late.

"Oh no", John say's - "the wife is gonna kill me. When I'm out too late, I park a block away, take me shoes off in the drive way, use my oiled key in the lock, take off my clothes in the living room, tip-toe upstairs, hold my ...

What do you call Trump supporters?

Trumpeteers.
Because he sure can toot his own horn.

...before anyone freaks out. Hillary is also a deplorable person. It's a wonderful election season, ain't it folks?

An older lady visits a doctor to seek help with her frequent gas issues.

**Lady:** Doctor, you've got to help me. Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor. As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell.

**Doctor:** I see. I have a couple of ideas. Le...

Did you know that ancient Egyptians were related by their farts?

It's true. They had a toot in common.

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Engineering pickup lines

Engineering pickup lines:

Hey babe, what's your factor of safety?

Can I use my sigma to find your tau max?

What frequency does it take to make your O-me-ga

How big does your period need to be to reduce our frequency

How about you and I go have a couple moment
...

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He g...

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He was extremely nervous to have dinner with his girlfriends family

He was sitting around the table with his girlfriend right next to him, her mother on the other side, her two siblings in the middle two seats, her father directly across from him at the head of the table, and the family dog, Spot, relaxed on the floor.

All of a sudden the urge to fart hit ...

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Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

Why do Egyptian farts smell the same?

They have toots in common.

A rich society hostess gives a dinner for a number of businessmen.

Unfortunately she suffers from flatulence. The first time she 'toots' one of the gentlemen gets up and says pardon me ma'am and leaves the room. The next time she 'toots' another gentleman does the same. An American turns to his British colleague and says 'What gives - she keeps farting and guys lea...

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A new priest is about to give his first sermon...

and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help.

"Well I'll tell you what," says the older priest, "I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."

"Thanks Father!" says the new priest.

After the...

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