If two pharaohs farted at the same time

They would have a toot in common

Not to toot my own horn but..

I got my bottom 2 ribs removed

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A older married couple were laying in bed one night....

reading a book before bed. The husband lets out a huge fart and says "Touch down"! His wife was disgusted at first but suddenly lets out a fart and says "Touchdown...Tie game". Not to be out done, the husband tries to fart again but only let out a tiny little toot...."field goal! 3 points"! The wife...

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A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

What’s the difference between a teacher/professor and a train?

One will tell you to spit your gum out and the other will tell you to “chew-chew-chew”

One will tell you to throw away your drink and the other will tell you to “chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga”

One will tell you to hold in your farts and the other will tell you “toot-tooooooooooooot”

What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden?

She had to root-e-toot

An elderly woman goes to the doctor...

..."I've got a rather strange and embarrassing ailment, doctor" she says.

"I've got such horrible gas - all day long I'm farting - but *it never makes a sound and is completely odorless!* Have you ever heard of such a thing?"

The doc quietly nods and says "Here, take these pills twice ...

What do you call a hooker's farts?

Prosti-toots!

Did you hear about the Pharaoh who rarely farted?

His name was Toot-uncommon

What do you call it when a pharaoh farts just like his dad?

King Toot in common

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A Prostitute Walks Into a Bar

A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the ...

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What do you call a sex worker's fart?

A prosti-toot!

Did you know back in the New Kingdom era, high ranking Egyptians were known for farting?

They all had a toot-in-common

If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn.

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How do you know a call is a butt dial?

Listen for the toot. (From my 8 year old son.)

What do you call a hooker with a gluten intolerance

A pasta-toot

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the Pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot uncommon

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What do you call a hooker's fart?

What do you call a hooker's fart?

​

A Prosti-toot

​

What do you call a hooker's boob?

​

A Prosti-tit

​

What does a hooker use to chew her food?

​

Her Prosti-tooth

&...

What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?

A private toot-er

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A man and a woman were married for 50 years.

Every morning the man would roll over on his side and let rip s horrible smelling fart. Every day the wife would tell him, “One day you are gonna shit your guts out.”

One day after years and years of it. The wife is preparing a turkey dinner and decided to save the guts and giblets and put t...

TIL Ancient Egyptian pyramids didn't have doorbells, they had horns instead.

You just used to toot and come in.

What did the Egyptian say to his friend when they both passed gas at the same time?

We just had a toot in common

An old couple was lying in bed.

The husband let out a resounding fart and said, "Touchdown. Seven points.".

Immediately his wife ripped her own and went, "Touchdown. 7-7!"

The husband responded with another colder and said, "14-7 my game."

Just then the wife came back with another fart and declared, "14-14. I'...

I can put both of my legs behind my head.

Y'know, not to toot my own horn or anything.

What happened to the jazz player whose wife left him?

He had to toot his own horn.

A Tutor Who Tooted

A tutor who tooted the flute 

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot 

Said the two to the tutor 

“Is it tougher to toot 

Or to tutor two tooters to toot?”

Two farm-hands are lying in their bunk house.

One asks the other "Hey Jimbo, what time is it?"

Jimbo responds, "Well here, let me check." And he pulls out a bugle, and gives it a toot.

From his house, the owner of the farm shouts: "The hell are you playing a bugle for at two in the morning?!"

"Well." Jimbo says, "it's two ...

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What's the difference between a hooker and farting after eating spaghetti?

One gets paid to have sex and the other's a pasta toot.

An Egyptian guy and I were hanging out one day...

We both farted at the same time. We have a toot-n-common

2 mummies shared a fart

They had a toot in common

Why is an Egyptian tomb like a train whistle?

They have a toot in common.

What do you call a woman of the night playing a trumpet?

A prosti-toot

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A older husband and wife are laying in bed...

...when the husband lets go a fart, and the wife says what was that?

the husband says that was a touchdown, 7-0.

about 5 minutes later the wife also lets a fart go and says its 7-7.

then a short while passes and the husband lets another ripper go and says its 14-7.

then t...

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My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed....

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Engineering pickup lines

Engineering pickup lines:

Hey babe, what's your factor of safety?

Can I use my sigma to find your tau max?

What frequency does it take to make your O-me-ga

How big does your period need to be to reduce our frequency

How about you and I go have a couple moment
...

What do you call Trump supporters?

Trumpeteers.
Because he sure can toot his own horn.

...before anyone freaks out. Hillary is also a deplorable person. It's a wonderful election season, ain't it folks?

Why are Egyptian saxophonists all such good friends?

They've got a "toot in common."

Did you know that ancient Egyptians were related by their farts?

It's true. They had a toot in common.

What Egyptian King called for equal farting rights for all?

Toot-in-common

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Two guys were leaving the strip club...

Jim and John were out of one dollar bills, and it was very late.

"Oh no", John say's - "the wife is gonna kill me. When I'm out too late, I park a block away, take me shoes off in the drive way, use my oiled key in the lock, take off my clothes in the living room, tip-toe upstairs, hold my ...

An older lady visits a doctor to seek help with her frequent gas issues.

**Lady:** Doctor, you've got to help me. Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor. As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell.

**Doctor:** I see. I have a couple of ideas. Le...

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He was extremely nervous to have dinner with his girlfriends family

He was sitting around the table with his girlfriend right next to him, her mother on the other side, her two siblings in the middle two seats, her father directly across from him at the head of the table, and the family dog, Spot, relaxed on the floor.

All of a sudden the urge to fart hit ...

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He g...

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Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

Why do Egyptian farts smell the same?

They have toots in common.

A rich society hostess gives a dinner for a number of businessmen.

Unfortunately she suffers from flatulence. The first time she 'toots' one of the gentlemen gets up and says pardon me ma'am and leaves the room. The next time she 'toots' another gentleman does the same. An American turns to his British colleague and says 'What gives - she keeps farting and guys lea...

A new priest is about to give his first sermon...

and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help.

"Well I'll tell you what," says the older priest, "I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."

"Thanks Father!" says the new priest.

After the...

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