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A man walks into an airport and says "cluck cluck bacawk"

...and the woman says "no sir, this is the *check*-in desk"

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

What mythical monster of the sea clucks while going on drug enduced rampages?

The crack-hen.

So I went to the airport went up to the counter and went "cluck cluck cluck"

And she said "you want the check-in desk" ...

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Ralf

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Ple...

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

My chickens were clucking at me

Little did I know, they were using fowl language.

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Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A cluck ton!

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What's the difference between a panicked chicken and the US/UK/Brazil response to Covid?

One's a flustered cluck...

>!The other's a clusterfuck!!<

What group does a racist chicken belong to?

The ku clucks klan

What do you call a group of racist white chickens

COO CLUCKS CLAN

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Ever been to a turkey orgy? #NSFW

A cluck’n’fuck

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A Russian lady married an English gentleman and they lived in London .

She was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked l...

A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.

However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.

One day the teacher is asking students the sounds animals make

The teacher asks "what sound does chicken make.
Little Suzy says "cluck cluck cluck".
Teacher replies" good job now what sound does a cow make"
Little Johnny says "The sound a cow makes is 'Dont forget your homework for tomorrow'".

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

What did the chicken do at the end of his shift?

He clucked out.

The cook promised a chicken that he will spare its life if it can guess their location.

In a state of panic, the chicken asked "What's going to happen to my family?!" The cook looked down with disappointment smeared on his face. "Help! Help!" the chicken clucked for his final minutes have arrived. "I need your guess now," said the cook as the deep frier began to sizzle. "A volcano, the...

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So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

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A man enters a restaurant in a foreign country...

...he doesn't speak the language, but he tries to order breakfast anyway. He makes a slicing motion, then moves his finger like he is spreading butter on a slice of toast. The server understands this and notes it down.

He then clucks like a chicken and pretends to crack and beat an egg. The s...

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How do you measure chicken shit?

By the cluck-ton

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The man who turned into a chicken

John went to bed, kissed his wife goodnight and closed his eyes to sleep.
He suddenly woke up with a jolt and saw an elderly bearded man dressed in a cowl standing next to the bed.
"Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my bedroom?", John said.
-"You're not in your bedroom", the m...

The mute chicken

Why did the mute chicken leave his cheating girlfriend at the side of the road.

He couldn’t give a cluck

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A chicken walks into a bar..

..and orders five flagons of mead. After the fourth alcoholic beverage, the bartender asks him..

&nbsp; 

"Hey buddy why the long fac..oh wait not a horse lol."

&nbsp; 

The chicken gulps down his fifth drink and laments.

&nbsp; 

"You see, that ott...

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There was once a chicken named Harold.

He liked to romp around eating seeds and clucking about.

One day

He realizes he had to lay an egg.

So he squats up

Starts squeezin

All his might.

And just when he thinks its too hard and he'll break the egg, it pops out.

So hes looking down at his...

Three prisoners

Three prisoners escape from a chain gang and run off towards a farm. They can hear the guards and the dogs behind them. They stop at the fence and agree to split up to increase the odds of escaping.

One prisoner runs towards the barn, one hides in the hen house, and the third guy heads toward...

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My daughter saw me eating prosciutto

True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."

I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"

"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."

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The story of horse and chicken (long)

Horse and chicken were the best of friends and loved to play together all day on the farm.
one day, while playing near the swamp, horse gets too rambunctious and falls in the swamp up to his neck. Slowly he starts to sink, and as he sinks, he starts yelling to chicken. "chicken! chicken! quick...

I was trying to come up with a name for my group of mystery-solving chickens

Apparently the Clue Clucks Clan was already taken.

Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives?

They're called the Clue Clucks Clan

I never use fowl language

I just don't give a cluck

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A few white chickens have started a group that hates black chickens.

They called it the Klu Clucks Klan.

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiance

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A boy is carrying something past an old man on his porch...

The old man sees him and says "Boy, what'cha got there?"

"Duck tape old man. Imma catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with no duck tape." says the old man.

The boy doesn't listen and walks on. 5 minutes later the boy comes back with 10 ducks all caught up in the tape a...

What is Superchicken's secret identity?

Cluck Kent

^(My eight year old told me he made that up.)

A man visits a psychiatrist, saying...

...."Doc, my brother thinks he’s a chicken. He walks around clucking all day.” And the psychiatrist says "well, maybe you should send him in to an institution?" and the guy says I would but I need the eggs

A chicken walks into a bar

and clucks at the bartender. The bartender says, "No fowl language allowed"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Apparently to be clucking annoying. Seriously cluck open range laws sometimes.

Pat the Irish immigrant died in a freak mining accident...

...leaving Kathleen, his young wife, near mad with grief. After the burial, Kathleen's mother drew her aside, and took her in her arms, and rocked her as she wept, and tried to comfort her:

"But think on what a grand man he was, Kathleen! Weren't they all saying at the wake as that Pat was a ...

BIRDMAN

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "We need the eggs."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman wake up in a barn.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman wake up in a barn after a particularly wild night on the town.

The farmer, on his morning rounds, hears the commotion and slowly opens the barn door, shotgun in hand.The three quickly hide behind a bale of hay and attempt to convince the farmer that ...

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Sex mad rooster!

There is this farmer and one day he goes into the chicken coop and the rooster says to him "dude I am gagging for a fuck" so he takes the rooster into the hen hutch next door and closes the door, moments later there is a huge commotion, feathers fly out the window there is raucous clucking and crowi...

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