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Howl Jokes

Why are coyotes howling in the night?

Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.

Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Cause they don’t know how to use cellphones.

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement?

A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.

Me and my girlfriend were howling at my dog to try to get a response from her, but she stayed silent...

I guess she ain’t no howl back girl.

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

What's at the top of Howl's Moving Castle?

Aroooooooooooooooom with a view.

The sleeper, the pastor and Adam's stick

Mr. Smith and the pastor discuss the problem that Mrs. Smith always falls asleep during the sermon. The pastor gives Mr. Smith a hatpin and recommends that he prick her as soon as he receives a sign from the pastor.

The following Sunday, Mrs. Smith has fallen asleep peacefully, the pastor ask...

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I wrote a script for a film about a female dog who can howl the exact note you play on your piano.

It’s called, “Bitch Perfect.”

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I couldn't sleep last night due to all the barking and howling in the back yard…

And then, after I'd let the wife back in, the fucking dog starts…

Late call to the vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, r...

Knock Knock Joke

Knock Knock

"Who's there?"

"Howl"

"Howl who?"

"Howl you doing today"

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

Wolf down this joke fellows

-Knock knock
"Who's there"
-"Howl"
"Howl who ?"
-"Howl you know unless you open the door ?"

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

There was a farmer who lived on 200 acres.

He owned sheep, cattle, horses and tons and tons of crops. One night, he heard wolves howling in the distant, and it kept him up all night. He woke up in the morning with bags under his eyes, his wife asked him “What’s wrong? Did you not get any sleep?” The farmer said “I kept hearing this howling n...

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After another attempt at lovemaking was ruined by my premature ejaculation, the wife was sat on the edge of the bed in floods of tears..

"Please baby, don't cry like that." I said, taking her hands from her face.


"Why? Why the fuck not, Barry?" She howled. "It's every time. Every. Fucking. Time. Am I not allowed to be upset about it?"


"Well of course you are sweetheart, of course you are." I reassured her. "But ...

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A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender responds, "We don't serve bears beer in this bar."

The bear rears back a little and growls, "I don't care. I'm a bear and I want a beer."

The bartender calmly replies, "I'm sorry, but as I said, we don't serve bears beer ...

An aspiring writer once said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for the Microsoft Corporation.

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A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Greek are captured by cannibals in Africa.

The chief of the tribe offers to free anyone who succeeds in three tests: drink a ton of wine, pull a thorn from the sacred lion's foot, and have sex with his hundred-year-old grandmother.
They lead the Englishman to the wine hut, he starts drinking but doesn't even get halfway through. The nat...

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A man begins to suspect he has a tapeworm, so he goes to the doctor...

The doctor examines him and confirms that yes, he does have a tapeworm. "And it's a pretty wily one, too. Every time I try to yank it out, it just darts away. I'm gonna have to resort to more unorthodox methods..."

The man doesn't like the sound of that, but he's desperate to get rid of the p...

What do you call a wolf with wings?

A howl.

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so, the apostles hired the most beautiful escort in all the village…

Jesus had just come home after spending a long day out in the village miraculously healing the diseased and injured. the apostles decided that since he had been working so hard to help the village people, they would show their appreciate my hiring Jesus an escort. they went to the village and hired ...

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A young tribal boy asks the village chief:

“How did Howling Moon receive her name?”

*Ah,* answers the chief. “As her mother went into labor there was a lone wolf howling into the moon!”

The boy ponders and asks, “What about Jumping Brook? How was he named?”

“Oh yes,” answered the Chief. “On the morning of his birth we wa...

Giving your cat a bath.

We all know that cats are generally not into taking a bath outside of their own tongue so below is a guide to use.



1. Open the lid and seat of the toilet and add some soap to the bowl.
2. Get the cat and drop them inside and quickly close the lid.
3. You will hear some howling a...

Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport

The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest damn runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks t...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money...

He asks the bartender what that's all about. The bartender replies, "20 bucks and you're in. The first person to chug this entire bottle of vodka and eat the worm at the bottom, then in the back there's a mean rottweiler with a sore tooth you gotta pull it's tooth. After that there's a 90 year old w...

A nasty ole gorilla walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender growls, "I don't serve gorillas here." The gorilla counters, "You better or I'm gonna do something terrible!"

Unimpressed, the bartender challenges, "Oh yeah! Like what?"

The gorilla points to a women slumped against the bar and responds, "I'm gonna go over there and eat that woman!"

The bartender howls, "Oh no you're not!"

So the gorilla lumbers over to the woman, grabs her by the ankl...

A lawyer goes to attend a function in his BMW.

On reaching there, he meets a friend and starts talking, his car parked nearby. A car suddenly comes crashing into his BMW, nearly taking a door off. The lawyer, howls at the top of his lungs, "LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO MY BEAMER!!" His friend remarks, "You lawyers are so pathetically materialisti...

My dog's house went through a hail storm recently

Most of the damage was dealt to his ROOF.
He was on the phone for hours howling at his insurance provider.

Grandfathers have the purest sense of humor.

My grandfather is close to 90 years old and has to take medication. One day, my aunt gave him his pills, and the cogs in his brain began to turn.

Grandpa after being given his medication: Tell everyone I'm on the pill.

Aunt:.....

Grandaunt: \*Howling with laughter when hearing t...

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

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Biden, Macron, and Putin make a bet who is going to successfully feed mustard to dog

Biden takes the mustard bottle, shoves it in dogs mouth, then squeezes. "That's animal cruelty!" the other two protest.

Macron takes a sausage, puts the mustard inside it, then give it to the dog. "That's cheating!" the other two protest.

Putin takes the mustard, then squeezes it all o...

We went out on a date

Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??

What’s the difference between a flea and a coyote?

One howls on the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture t...

Practicing

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he ...

Three ladies were enjoying wine spritzers, when one suggested they play a game!

She proposed each wife describe which Soda Pop best described their husband in bed?

The First Lady said “my husband is Dr.Pepper, because every night he’s peppy”!

They all giggled!

The second lady said “my husband is 7UP, cause he can get it up 7 days a week”!

The ladie...

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You have Sinned

EDIT: I have never written this joke out. Most of this joke is about the delivery. This is a successful joke when you are forced into telling one. Use the names of those goading you into telling one!




Johnny, Mike, and Pete were driving late at night when a cat cut in front of the ...

An ax murder is on a date with a girl, and he suggests a short cut through the woods to a special spot...

As they walk the sun starts to set.
The girl asks, “Are we almost there it’s getting dark?”
The ax murderer says they’re close and it’s just a little further up.

They keep walking and get deeper and deeper into the woods.
All of a sudden there is a howl in the distance!
The girl s...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

The prime Minister of Israel invited the Pope to a game of golf,

And since the Pope had no idea how to play, he convened the College of Cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Jack Nicklaus," they suggested, "and let him play in your place. Tell the Prime Minister that you're sick or something."

Honored by His Holiness's request, Nicklaus agreed to represent ...

An old Chinese story

A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villager...

A dog walks into a bar

As he sits down the bartender comes over “dogs are not welcome here, please leave”. Unperturbed the dog says “gimme a beer”, the bartender pulls a gun out from under the bar, points it at the dog “I’m not warning you again “. The dog simply will not leave so the bartender is forced to shoot the dog ...

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Who's egg is it anyways!

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.


One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's ...

The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

I met this man outside the street and we walk into a bar.

We had a small conversation. Then he brought up writing as the topic.

He said: "I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

I went out of the bar after my drink. Two week...

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisle...

3 Elderly Gentlemen Go for a Walk on the Beach...

The first remarks, "It's windy today!"

"No!", replies the second, "It's Thursday!"

"Me too!", shouts the third over the sound of howling wind, "Let's go for a drink!"

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Magical Octopus

There was once a Man who traveled with the local fair, portraying his Magical Octopus. One fair a little boy cam up and said "how is he magical?" the man replied with " he can sing and play any instrument" so the little boy handed over his harmonica to the octopus. The octopus glanced at it, picked ...

A dog enjoys a cinema

A man follows a woman with a dog out of a cinema.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I noticed that your dog really seemed to be enjoying the movie.

"He cried when it was sad, he barked at the bad guy, and he laughed at the funny parts."

I didn't understand wh...

The subject of a painting

Outside the castle, in front of two deep, dangerous troughs of water filled with piranhas and barracudas, the royal coterie of lupine dog-men assembles on two long tables, facing the masses on the other side of the water. The wolf-king raises his glass and gives a piercing howl, to which the rest of...

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

Women and seduction: how (not) to

Three friends meet and start chatting about their love life. The first woman has a lover, the second one is engaged and the third one is married. They agree to try a new seduction tecnique with their men so everyone, that night, is going to wear a lether black corset, 6 inches high heels and a mask ...

A man took his dog to the movie with him...

...and during the movie the dog howled with laughter at the jokes, wagged his tail merrily and at the end put his paws together and applauded. The movie staff saw this and were bewildered so after the movie one of the ushers approached the man and said to him, "We were all amazed, your dog really se...

3 comedians

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other, they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the f...

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President George W. Bush Gets Some Bad News...

Dick Cheney enters the Oval Office, where he finds President Bush busy playing with his Garbage Pail Kids collection.

"Mr. President," Cheney says, "I have some disconcerting news about the War in Iraq."

Bush glances up from his busywork and says, "Give it to me straight, Dick".
...

Donny is getting worried about his future as President.

He decides to call the world leaders he most admires. He makes a conference call to Putin, Kim Jong-un,and Rodrigo Duterte.

"Guys, next to me, you are the greatest leaders in the world. What can I do to stop from getting impeached?"

There is a lot of talking between them and then Vlad ...

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An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

They all order a pint of best bitter, when a fly lands in each ones glass.

The American picks the fly out, and consumes his beer.

The Englishman asks the barman politely for another beer.

The Scotsman deftly picks the fly out of his beer, and starts slamming it on the rim of t...

A wolf, a lion and a little pig are having a discussion

The wolf proudly says : I am the scariest animal of the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.

The lion smirks and says : do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle ánd the most scary. When I roar, all the ...

Two men are at a joke convention.

One man at the convention stands and yells "23", and everyone laughs. Another stands and yells "57" and everyone continues laughing. A third stands and yells "243" and everyone is howling with laughter.

Mark turns to his friend and says "I'm confused, they're just saying numbers, why is every...

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A drunk walks into a bar he's never been in before...

He sees an enormous pickle jar on the top shelf that is overflowing with $100 bills. He asks the bartender for a beer and a shot, and decides to ignore it. Six drinks in, curiosity gets the best of him.
"Wuz, uh... what's wilth the jar o' money?"
The bartender replies that there is a $100 buy ...

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Two children decide they're going to swear one day

One says to the other "I'll say shit, you say fuck!"

So, that morning, when they go downstairs, the mom asks the first one what he wants.

"Shit, mom, I think I'll have some Coco Puffs"

She slaps him and he starts crying.

"AND WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" she howls.

"Well, I...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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Three men were bragging about being great lovers

First man said: "The last woman I made love to moaned for 30 minutes after I was done."

Second man continued: "Oh yeah? Last time I had sex, we went for it all night long and I kept her howling and begging for more for hours afterwards."

Third man replied: "That's nothing. I banged my ...

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A guy walks into a bar

He is drinking, minding his own business, when he sees a huge jar with a bunch of cash in it behind the bar. He asks the bartender, what's that all about? Bartender says, oh that's for anyone that can complete 3 things that are hard to do. The guy is now pretty drunk, feeling bold, and asks what the...

A guy kept falling asleep in church

A guy kept falling asleep in church, so his wife asked the priest what she could do. The priest gives her a needle and tells her to stab him with it when he’s asleep.

The next day, during the sermon, the priest asks the church, ‘Who is our Saviour?’

The guy falls asleep. His wife stab...

A Native American Family Rejoices As A Son Is Born

After smiling at his newborn, the father of the family stepped outside of the tent for a moment, then returns and announces, "He shall be named, 'Young Wolf Howling'!"

After a little while his daughter asks him,

"Father, how did you get my name?"

"Well my daughter," he replied, ...

A Hindu, an American and a Russian

An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory. A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you lik...

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A husband wife go to the zoo.

They come across a gorilla. The man asks his wife to be a little flirty and blow a kiss to the gorilla. She does and the animal instantly gets excited, eyes wide open and stands up immediately. The wife likes it and so does the husband.

Then he asks her to be a little more daring and show th...

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Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest.

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest, on her way to Grandmother's house.
She skips down the path for a while, and as she turns down a bend she sees the Big Bad Wolf sitting by a tree.

"What big ears you have, Mr. Wolf!" Little Red Riding Hood exclaims.
The wolf gets up a...

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

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A man sued over an accident he got in while on his horse

During the trial, the defendant's lawyer asked the plaintiff, "after the accident happened, did you or did you not tell a pollixe officer that you've 'never felt better in your life'"

Now, the plaintiff responded "why yes, I do remember saying that," and the entire court room was shocked at ...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

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Jesus is watching!!!

One day a burglar breaks into a house. It's pitch dark so he turns on his flashlight. Suddenly he hears a voice "Jesus is watching". He freezes, swings his flashlight around but can't find the source of the voice. After 2 minutes nothing happens so he goes about trashing the room looking for things ...

Bob gets a job

A rather dimwitted fellow named bob miraculously lands a job at a donut shop next to his house.

His first day on the job, a customer enters and asks "How much are these donuts?"

Bob replies "I don't know." Fortunately, the manager comes in and begins feeding Bob his lines, telling Bob...

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A man reads an advertisement in the paper for the best raccoon hound ever and decides to go have a look.

The man reaches out to the person who placed the ad and scheduled a date and time to meet. Upon arriving at the agreed-upon location, a patch of woods in Mississippi, the owner of the raccoon hound informs the man that this is in fact the best coonhound he has ever seen or owned. However the owner e...

Buddy Hackett's Duck Joke

A stock broker from New York went out on his first hunting trip alone. After four days in the cold and wet marsh, and after a dozen tries, he finally shot a duck. The duck spiraled down, and landed in a nearby farm.

The new hunter climbed the farm fence, and the farmer came out with a loade...

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Why dogs smell each others butts

The day God created the Dog he had all dogs in heaven gathered in one place so he could speak to them, of course the place was noisy and messy and one dog was howling, while two were fighting over a bone, others were chasing cherubs and, you get the picture…so God, who had been trying to get their a...

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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for and the bartender goes on to explain that if you put $20 in the jar and complete a challenge you get to keep all the money in the jar. The guy says what the hell and puts $20 in the ...

A blind man...

...is having a leisurely walk with his guide dog. They enter a store that specialise in fine ceramics. The blind man bends down and grabs his dog by the tail and starts rotating, swinging the poor dog around with great force. The dog smashes into the shelves and breaks everything around them. The do...

An American, an Indian and a Greek go to hell...

An american, an indian and a greek find themselves in hell. Satan reveals himself and tells them "you are all condemned to spend your eternity in hell. HOWEVER, I will give you one chance to make it to heaven. I will whip your back thrice with this mighty whip. If you show no pain, I will allow you ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a pot full of money...

Then he asks :


- So, what's all that money about ?


The barman says :


- Well, you put $100 in there and take 3 tests. If you manage to complete all of them, you can have all the money inside the pot.


- What are the tests then ? The man says


-Firs...

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After years of work, a king had the world’s largest garden made

He had plants of every fruit in the garden and he was, of course, very proud of it. To boast his garden he announced that on the last day of the month, anybody who can bring a fruit that is not available in his garden will be granted gold in his/her weight. But, to discourage unnecessary claims he a...

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A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.



"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."



"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"



"Well, first, you hav...

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The small magical pig and the 3 wishes

There was once a little-bitty magical pig and it was very lonely. It had never met other animals or humans.

One day it going through a large forest and met a rabbit and a bear that was up and fight!
The pig ran howling over to them:
- "Stop !!!! I can not fight! You are the firs...

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3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

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A lost poodle wanders through a forest

On the first day of an African safari trip, a woman gets distracted and her poodle wanders off into a forest. As the dog trots through the forest, it realizes it is lost and starts to panic.

While the poodle frantically runs around trying to find it's way back, a lion sees it and decides to ...

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