Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

I have a fridge that beeps when it detects mold

Spoiler alert

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got tired of the beeps the computer at work made

So I unplugged it and when I did, the beep just went to one long beep and all the doctors and nurses are yelling, “What the fuck are you doing!?”

A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them.

After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know ...

Dad bought a lie-detector to test his son.

"Son sit down... we have to talk, i have a lie detector here"
"Did you go to school today, son?"

"uh, yes" the son replied...
-BEEP- -BEEP-
"uh, no i watched a movie" he said quickly.

"right, what movie?" Asked the Dad

"Just some comedy"
-Beep- -Beep-
"Okay, it w...

I was waiting at a pedestrian crossing, when a woman asked me, "What's that beep, beep sound?"

I said, "It's so blind people know when to go."

"Oh right." she replied. "Where I'm from, we don't let them drive."

Why Hello! Thanks for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call....

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector

The constant beeping gave me a headache and made me feel sick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Cargo

Cargo who?

Cargo Beep Beep!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history

They had to beep out every word he said

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Because it's stapled to the fucking chicken.

Beep beep

Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife are in a car accident.

The man is saved by the airbag, but the woman hits her head on the windshield and falls into a coma.

The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "pr...

Fuzzy Green Booger

A woman walks into a pet store one day looking for a pet to buy.

The pet store owner walks up:
"Can I help you find anything?"

The woman replies:
"I'm looking for a companion."

Owner: "How about a dog?"

Woman: "I'm allergic to dogs."

Owner: "How about a cat?...

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a dad is fed up with his son lying to him…

Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?

Son: I went to school

(Beep)

Son: fine, I went to my friends house.

Dad: what did you do at your friends house?

Son: we watched a movie

Dad: what kind of movie?

Son: A Disney film

(...

A Boy Scout decided to start a business fixing horns on cars and trucks…

He called it "Beep Repaired."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bro Quiz (NSFW)

The Bro Quiz

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a lovemaking
b screwing
c the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a your views about what you e...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An inventor invented a lie detector...

And decided to try it out with his family before commercializing it.

His wife provides him with the perfect opportunity: Darling I think our son watches porn.

Husband: Lets find out. Son, what did you do this afternoon when you stayed in your room?

Son: Homework

*BEEP*...

$50

Ethel and Ernie had been married over 40 years and a fair had come to town which offered a helicopter ride. Ernie really wanted to ride the helicopter and so they went and upon getting there Ethel told Ernie he couldn’t go because the ride cost $50. Ernie pleaded with his wife and she kept refusing ...

Johnny's parents buy a lie detector.

Every time the detector hears a lie, it goes "BEEP!".
Johnny comes home from school and they ask him: "What grade did you get today?"

He says: "An A!"

BEEP!

Then he says: "OK, I got a C."

BEEP!

"Fine, I got an F."
His mom says: "Shame on you! When I went to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint... …

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.
"Bullshit!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop! Th...

What is R2-D2's favorite style of music?

Beep-boxing!

I think I lost my memory...

I'm going 3 beeps on boot

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm. Being a helpful guy, John tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Bob pees i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

the joke I tell to people I dont like

one day a father comes home and invites his kid to a circus. The kid is extatic because all of his life he has always wanted to see a real clown. they get to the circus and are sitting in the bleachers. He sees elephants, tigers, and trapeeze artists, but he is still waiting on seats edge for his ch...

No matter how quick you pull out..

..the ATM machine always beeps.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At a country club tennis court, a man clutches his elbow in pain...

He says to his friend, "Geez, my elbow aches. I think I should see a doctor about this".

The friend says, "Well before you do, why don't you try that machine in the locker room. You pee in a cup, and it writes you a prescription!"

Although skeptical, the man agrees to try out the machi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At a mental hospital

A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hopsital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.
"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I'm driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"
"You fucking nutbar, you're n...

Two people meet on the golf course and one of them says, "You have to check out my awesome new golf ball!"

Golfer 1: "This ball is amazing...If you hit it into the rough it flashes and glows so you can see it! If you hit it out of bounds it beeps so you can find it! If you hit it in the water it floats and drives itself back to land so you don't lose it!"

Golfer 2: "That IS amazing! Where'd you ge...

Computer! What's the difference between a human and a hotdog?

Beep boop boop... Processing...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a woman who has been in a coma for months....

When she runs the sponge up the woman's thigh the monitor beeps.
The nurse runs to the doctor and tells him this! He comes back, she does it again, and they are both shocked.
So they call the husband in and tell him what has happened.
"I know this is awkward, but we are going to suggest t...

A Roman Catholic priest, a Southern Baptist minister, and a Rabbi were all at a bar...

They were all arguing over who could convert the most followers to his respective religion.

A rather drunk man at the bar yells, "Anyone can convert a person! It takes real skill to convert a bear!"

The three religious mean agree, and set out to prove who could most effectively convert...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Best Diagnostician

One day a man complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I am going to see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Why don’t you try the new computer system in the hospital. It’s proven to be able to diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than any doctor. It’s incredible! You simply insert a sample of...

My car horn hasn't worked for a long time.

Today, a Boy Scout fixed it and all he said was, "Beep repaired!"

Annual Snail Racing Day

It was annual snail racing day and so, all the snails elected Snail B to judge while Snails J, P and O help set up the course. All the other snails then got into their designated soapbox cars, which were painted with their letter.

Snail B yelled out four beeps, and on the last and higher pitc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Roadtrip!

Nurse Betty works at an insane asylum.
She walked into johns room and saw him with his hands up like he's driving a car.
Nurse Betty: "John what are you doing?"
John:"I'm driving to Chicago. Vroom! vroom!"
"ok John. Have a nice ride"

Nurse Betty returns to johns room a few hours l...

Three guys in a jacuzzi

Here's a little joke I know. Tell it freely.

Three guys, in a jacuzzi. First guy starts ringing; *brinnng brinnggg* "oh excuse me, that's my built in phone, I'll be right back" - He gets up and wanders away talking directly into his right hand.

Second fella, a while later, beeps a few ...

2 guys are playing golf...

John tees off and makes it to the green. George steps up and sets a ball on the tee that looks unlike any ball John has ever seen so he asks, "whoa, what kind of ball is that?" "Oh, this ball is great" George replies, "if you hit it in the water it floats, if you hit it in a sandtrap it blinks, and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, a Texan, and a Japanese man are all relaxing in a sauna, completely naked

They sit in silence, until a loud beep is heard. The German steps out of the sauna and returns a few moments later.

"What was that?" the Texan asks.

"I have had a beeper installed in my arm. We Germans are a very advanced country, you know."
The Texan smiles and nods. A few minutes...

A new project has started in Egypt;

The government has begun to put more cars on the road, ordering them to beep occasionally. As a result, the familiar sounds of the city will be returned in order to calm the residents of Egypt.

They have called this operation toot-and-calm-em.