There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

My son saw me slumped over our lawn mower, bawling my eyes out...

He screamed, "Dad! What's wrong!? Are you ok?!"

I said, "Don't worry son, I'll be fine. I was just going through a rough patch..."

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What is the difference between a street vendor and a Dachshund dog?

One bawls out his wares on the street.
The other wears out his balls on the street.
(I didn’t want to put the second part of the answer up but I figured I’d have to explain the joke if I didn’t- LOL)

What is the difference between a street seller and a sausage dog??

A street seller bawls out his wears on the pavement..

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

So a man dies...

and walks up the stairway to heaven and meets St.Peter, he asks if he's ever cheated on his wife, the man truthfully replies "Never, I love my wife!" and St. Peter gives him a Roles Royce to drive around heaven. The next guy comes and St.Peter asks him the same thing, the man responds with "I did on...

3 men got to heaven

(English is not my native language, so please excuse any mistakes)


3 men died in an accident and got to heaven. They met God, who said that they would get a vehicle each. What it would be were decided based of how faithful the men had been to their wifes.


The first man look...

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A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start swearing...

A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the five-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you sa...

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I saw my neighbour crying while mowing the lawn

So I went outside to talk to him. I said:

"Tom you're a great dude but you're such a crybaby sometimes. I know your wife left you but she was a bitch! I had a girl leave me because she was sick of my shit but you don't see me bawling my eyes out about it!"

He tried to reply but his eye...

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The family cow

A poor family had a cow. When the time came they were going to sell it and have money to prosper with. It was going to be worth a lot. But until then they replied on the milk.

One day the farmer woke up and seen the cow was mutilated. Blood and guts everywhere. He freaked out knowing that thi...

A boy was walking down the street when he saw a man further down slumped over his car...

As the boy came closer he realised the man wasn't slumped over the car, he was hugging and kissing it, all while bawling tears.

"What's wrong?" Asked the boy, "Is your wife making you sell the car?"

"No," answers the man. "She just got her license."

A pessimist and an optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a...

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed. A big guy comes in and walks over to the man. He takes the shot sitting next to him and chugs it down. The man starts bawling, so the big guy says “Hey, it was just a joke. Here, I’ll buy you another one,”. The man whines “First I wake up and my wife left...

They find two 5-year olds, an optimist and a pessimist, and decide to do an experiment

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.

After an hour they open the door on the p...

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A Jewish man and a Vietnamese man waiting in the doctor's office.

A Vietnamese man and a Jewish man are waiting in the Doctor’s office for an appointment and as the time goes on they become more and more irritated until finally the Jewish man says, “I hate you Vietnamese people!”.

Shocked, the Vietnamese man says, “What in the world would compel you to say ...

A Sergeant calls his men out to line up on parade.

He calls out: "Private Smith, take one step forward!" After Smith does so, the Sergeant baldly announces: "We've just had word.....your mother is dead!" Whereupon Private Smith collapses on the ground and starts crying uncontrollably.

When the Commanding Officer hears about this, he calls in ...

"I'm losing my hair!"

he bawled.

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My Friend, Ving.

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to ...

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A guy sees another man staring at his drink in a bar

He observes him for 15 minutes and the man doesn't touch his drink at all but just keeps staring at it. This guy finally has enough of it, so he walks up to him, snatches the glass and gulps it down.

With this, the other man breaks down and starts bawling. Realizing he might've gone too far, ...

I have inpenetrable will.

No solicitor or homeless person could ever get to me.
The answer is always the firmest of NOs.
Why, just the other day an elderly woman with a black eye asked me if I could give the money I had.
I refused.
Then she began to cry. Bawling her eyes out, she begged me:
"Please, I've ...

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every...

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Sam Loved Ninjas

Little Sam loved ninjas. He'd think about them all day and watch ninja movies all night.

He had a ninja costume, throwing stars, the whole shebang.

One day he's playing around and whacks himself in the eye with a nunchuck, he runs downstairs to his mum bawling "Mummy mummy mummy look...

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A girl with no arms and no legs was sitting on a beach...

A handsome young man comes walking up and he notices she was crying. So he stops and asks her what's wrong? She replied well I've never been hugged before.... So the guys like alright and picks her up gives her a hug and sets her back down and she starts crying even harder... The guy was like what's...

A man goes to the beach...

...while he's walking down the shore he sees a 20-year old, blonde-haired girl sitting in the sand crying. Concerned, the man runs over to her. "What's wrong?" He asks.
"I'm twenty years old and I've never been hugged by someone other than family!" She starts sobbing.
Feeling bad, the man hugs...

Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.

The young driver pulls over ru...

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One day, a pregnant lady was walking down the street...

when out of nowhere a man came up and shot her three times in the stomach. The shooter unfortunately escaped, but the woman was taken to the hospital and luckily her and her babies turned out to be okay.

Fast forward to about 16 years later:

One day the woman was in her bedroom folding...

Three guys are waiting in a maternity ward

The nurse walks out of the doors and approaches the first man.
"Congratulations Sir, your wife had twins!" she says.
The first man says
"What a coincidence, I own the Minnesota Twins!"

Twenty minutes later she walks out again and says to the second man,
"Your wife had triplets!"<...

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Never been hugged

A man and his girlfriend were walking on the beach one day and sees a woman with no arms or legs sitting by the water looking sad. "What's wrong sweetie?" He asks. "I've never been hugged before." She replies. His girlfriend whispers to him "she's so sad, just make her happy." So he leans down and g...

The Legionaire and the Camel

This guy joins the French Foreign Legion and gets sent to a fort way out in the desert, several miles from the nearest town. There are only men at the fort-- no women. After a few months our legionnaire becomes rather desperate for female companionship, so finally he approaches the crusty old sergea...

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A woman pregnant with triplets...

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking past a bank, suddenly an armed thief bursts out of the doors. Startled by her voluptuous figure the thief shoots her in the stomach three times before escaping.
After being rushed to hospital the doctors deliver the news to the woman.
"I'm happy to tel...

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