UPJOKE
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Stable Jokes

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse...

"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner.

"Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner.

"Why so cheap then?"

"Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he ge...

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A small person with a speech impediment was thinking about purchasing a mare for his stable.

He heads over to the ranch and asks the rancher if he could inspect the horse before he bought her. The two of them head into the stables and the rancher brings the mare out of her stall. The buyer does a walk around, inspecting the hooves and legs, before looking around for a stool. Seeing none, he...

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Three racehorses are in the stable after race day...

The first horse says to the other two "You know something funny, today I was wearing number three in my race and I came third"

The second horse raises his eyebrows (?) and says "Weird, really weird. I was wearing number two today and, would you believe it, I came second in my race".

Th...

Why did Joseph have to sweep the stable floor?

Because there was no Roomba at the inn.

My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark

It's becoming a night mare.

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

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A woman was rushed to the hospital after stuffing 30 toy horses up her ass...

Her condition is stable.

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My therapist asked me “How’s your home life, stable?”

I said “No, just a small house down the street”

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BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

What is the least stable element?

Pandemonium.

*gestures at horses* here are the stables

\*gestures at other, flickering, vibrating horses. one horse explodes* and here are the unstables

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’

looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.
Jim nodded...

Everyone cheered when Hercules cleaned the Aegean Stables.

Everyone except the people living downstream.

What do you call a stable female?

A mare.

(This was a clue on the Daily Crossword app today which I couldn't figure out. I thought it was cute.)

Do you want a stable friendship?

Get a horse.

What's a horse's house called? A stable. What is a group of stables called?

A *neigh*bourhood

A man walks into John's stable

The man asks, "I'm looking for a fast horse." John, without missing a beat, walks over to one of the horses and says, "this here horse's name is ol' Betsy, she was trained by an interesting feller." The man asks to explain. "Well, to get her to stop, you need to say hey hey! To get her to go, you ne...

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My wife gave birth today, after she was stable and sleeping I thanked the Doctor, then sheepishly asked 'When we will be able to have sex?'

He winked at me and said 'I knock off in 10 minutes, meet me in the car park'

A bartender walks into a stable.

The horse says, "Why the normal face?"

My friend quit a stable job

He was tired of seeing the long faces

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

I'm finally in stable relationship!

There's some horse in this house, there's some horse in this house.

Nothing says stable genius like...

A degree in equine sciences.

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I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius.

Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.

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Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.

Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.'I don't mean to brag,' says one of them 'but out of the 20 races I've had so far, I've won 11 of them.''You think that's impressive?' Laughs another 'I've been in 35 races and won 20 of them!''Is that it?' Says the third 'I've had 50 and won...

A woman accidentally crashed her car into a van because she was using a vibrator while driving. The hospital said she is in “stable and extremely relaxed” condition.

The driver of the van said he never saw her coming.

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Three horses are arguing in a stable

Each one is convinced they are a better racer than the other two. Thus, the three bicker and brag and talk over one another.

"Now see here, see here!" Says the first horse. "I have been racing for four years, and every summer of those ten years I have come in first every race I ran!"

"...

What do you call a stable black Irishman?

Homie O'Stasis

I ate horse last week and it made me seriously ill.

But now I'm in a stable condition.

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A cowboy goes to the stable

He lifts his horse's tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole.

Another cowboy sees this and yells, "What the hell are you doing?"

He replies, "I've got chapped lips."

"Does that help?"

"Nope, It just keeps me from licking them."

Why is the pH of youtube so stable?

It constantly buffers.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks “why the long face?”

Horse replies, “The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have stable income.”

A demolition company recently made the decision to demolish a stable.

Of course, there were some neighsayers, but that’s to be expected.

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

Mary and Joseph had nobody but themselves to blame for having to spend the night in a stable

They should have known it will be impossible to get last minute accommodation on Christmas.

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi

Stable bulls

One for the old folks...

Along the coast in California, there is a large dairy herds that graze the hillsides. The sun and the rain produce wonderful pastureland. The best eating was at the tops of the hills, but when the ocean breezes turn to gales, the cows are often blown right off their f...

Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem.

They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myr...

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The doctor told me that my friend is in stable condition.

The room is filthy and there's horseshit everywhere.

Why did the cowardly king refuse to visit his stables?

Because they were full of knight mares.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

A horse walks into a bar…

The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.

"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, haha!' I hear that everywhere I go."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your life?"

The horse responds with, ...

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A farmer read in a paper that a single egg has as many nutrients as a whole bale of hay.

The farmer was very excited thinking how much money he could now save on feeding his horse, and quickly changed the horse's diet to one egg a day.

As days and weeks went by, the farmer noticed his horse getting thinner and thinner, weaker and weaker. After four weeks, when the horse could...

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An Irishman applies for a job at his local stables...

After being shown around the yard the Irishman was asked if he has ever shoed a horse before, After a long pause...

He replies "I've haven't, but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

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What do you call a man working at a stable auction at the end of the day?

A hoarse whisperer.

What’s a horse’s primary concern when voting?

A stable economy.

Two greyhound are sitting in a stable

They are both boasting to each other about their racing victories. The first dog says "I've won six of my last ten races". The second dog replies with "That's nothing, I've won fourteen of my last twenty races". At this point, a fed up racehorse pokes his head round the corner and says "You're both ...

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

Two racehorses and a dog are in the stable on the night before the big race.

The old horse says, “Kid, I have a favor to ask. Tomorrow’s the last race of my career. If I win, they’ll have a big parade in my honor and put me in a nice pasture for the rest of my life. If I lose, they’ll send me to the glue factory. Now, I’m still a pretty good racer, but I think we both know t...

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What is the difference between a coworker in the stables and someone who has sex while high?

One is a fellow mucker...

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

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We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

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The hick shepherd

National TV decides to feature a rural shepherd who has spent his entire life on his mountain without ever leaving his small town.

The interview begins, "So, your life must be quite unique. Tell us, what was your happiest day?"

The shepherd replies, "Certainly, that day when my favor...

Why did the Real Estate Agent fail to sell the house next to a horse stable?

Because his clients were worried about the neigh-bors.

I wonder if when Trump said he was a stable genius he was referring to knowing a lot about horses...

Cause he's not very smart.

So I went to a stable for a self confidence boost

I found myself surrounded by a bunch of neigh-sayers.

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If anyone out there is having a problem locating a homogeneous, stable mixture of two or more substances that does not scatter beams of light...

Give me a call. I think I’ve found a solution for you.

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

A media star's career will remain stable as long as they haven't done anything horrible. The star's career will collapse if at any point the weight of all the horrible things they have done overcomes the support of the public's positive perception of them and their importance as a cultural icon.

This is known as "Ellen Degeneracy pressure."

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

People say horse girls are crazy…

…but I’ve always found them rather stable.

Hiking though the woods with my wife

We were hiking through the woods for a few hours and ended up at the edge of a cliff.

The only way forward was to walk across an old bridge. I told my wife I'll go first and cautiously walked across.

My wife yelled, is the bridge stable? I yelled back, as stable as our marriage. Ignor...

If you wanted to display data about well built furniture for horse houses, what would it be called?

A stable stable tables table.

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It was the first Christmas and the first of the three wise men slowly approached the stable and gingerly crossed over the threshold into a big pile of horse crap...

Looking down at his gold slippers he let out a shriek---" Je-sus Christ!"

The woman at the manger turned to her companion and said,"Joseph,that's a better name for the kid than Irving."

Why don’t horses need to go to a psychologist?

They’re very stable

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What's the best thing about farm sex?

Well, it's a stable relationship.

A cowboy approaches this farmer and asks for a job...

... The farmer tells the cowboy that he has no vacancies - yet if the cowboy could do something special, he might consider.
The cowboy says: „Well, sir, I understand animals.“
„Ha,“ the farmer says, „how many times have I heard that before…“
In this moment, a cow moos from behind a s...

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship

I’m trying to get a job taking care of horses.

I’ve heard it’s stable employment.

Why do the buildings that shelter horses never run into any problems ?

Because they’re stable

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A man and a wife are having therapy together, when the man’s wife suddenly blurts out “I just have to know this, therapist. My husband keeps making horse related jokes despite me telling him to stop several times now, and I’m starting to get worried for him. Is that normal, or could he be insane?”

The therapist, confused by this question, looks over to the husband, who responds, “Don’t worry honey, I’m mentally stable.”

What do you call a horse with good mental health?

Stable

Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.

For example sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home

A group of bats were hosting a competition

Three of them would be competing to see which could suck the most blood in 10 minutes.
The first one went to a field with sheep. After ten minutes it returned with blood dripping from its fangs. The judge asked “ how did you get this blood?” The bat responded “see that field with sheep? I drank ...

A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.

The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.

The second one tells him her name is Augu...

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A joke my dad told me...

A young American man went to Scotland to see the sights, he travelled from village to village, admiring the architecture and stonework, all the rustic buildings and cozy homes.

So he decides in one of the villages to stop at a sleepy little pub. There's an old man sitting at the bar alone, no...

A woman got a job at a horseback riding academy

One day, she was appointed to give a tour to one of the schools' wealthiest donors.

The donor in question was an old man; his eyes were failing but despite that handicap he was impressed with the academy developments.

When they reached the stable to examine the horses, she took him fi...

Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?

In a stable environment.

Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

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Two girls walk into a pub.

After a little while, the barman notices that the older one is actually transexual.

The transexual walks up to the bar and says in a deepish voice, "One chardonnay and a large guimess for my sis please."

She takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them up. A few rounds late...

I got a job cleaning horse manure.

Well, the ad promise a stable income.

A farmer installed a modem in his barn

I guess you could say he has stable internet now

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Grandpa can't be stand to be near fireworks because of his PTSD from the war...

One day I asked him about what happened and he let out a sigh and sat me down.

"It was 1951 in Korea, memorial day. I was stationed North of the parallel and it felt like today could finally be the one day we could relax and take a break from the war.

"The platoon spent the whole day ...

Two thousand years ago, childbirth was fraught with danger.

Thankfully Jesus was born ….in a stable environment.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

Rolando worked all his life in the circus.

He joined the circus young, and worked his way up from stable boy, to apprentice tumbler, then became a human cannonball. He was fantastic at it, shooting higher and farther than anyone had ever gone before. He also did some aerial tumbling that really excited the crowds.

But he grew unhappy...

What do you call Two horses that make a great couple?

A stable relationship

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