UPJOKE
steadyhorselastingstabilizedbalancedunreactivelivestockstallsstallstatichorse barnsoundfirmunfluctuatingrobust

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Breaking news: A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 toy horses shoved up his rectum…

Doctors described his condition as stable.

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A small person with a speech impediment was thinking about purchasing a mare for his stable.

He heads over to the ranch and asks the rancher if he could inspect the horse before he bought her. The two of them head into the stables and the rancher brings the mare out of her stall. The buyer does a walk around, inspecting the hooves and legs, before looking around for a stool. Seeing none, he...

Why did Joseph have to sweep the stable floor?

Because there was no Roomba at the inn.

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My therapist asked me “How’s your home life, stable?”

I said “No, just a small house down the street”

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John Wayne got fired from his first job cleaning stables.

He wouldn't take shit from anyone even if you paid him.

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An Englishman goes up to a Welsh farmer

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

A farmer installed a modem in his barn

I guess you could say he has stable internet now

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

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I knew a girl who had sex with her horse.

She said that they were in a stable relationship

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse…

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse, and he walks up to the local horse dealer and asks him about the horses he has to offer.

The horse dealer is telling the cowboy about one of the horses when the cowboy begins to lose interest. Out of the corner of his eye, the cowboy’s spotted the most ...

Man gets lost in the countryside

Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says “what’s with the three legged pig?”
Farmer says bravest pig you’re ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house la...

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars

Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses

Oh how the stables have turned

What do you call a stable female?

A mare.

(This was a clue on the Daily Crossword app today which I couldn't figure out. I thought it was cute.)

Mary and Joseph had nobody but themselves to blame for having to spend the night in a stable

They should have known it will be impossible to get last minute accommodation on Christmas.

A zookeeper is giving a chemist a tour of the zoo.

The zookeeper gestures at a fancy new building proudly and says to the scientist "This is our replacement 'Pachyderm Palace'. It's newly built, and is not fully accessible, so it's only in use on Tuesdays."

The chemist says "Ah, so it's a periodic stable for the elephants."

Everyone cheered when Hercules cleaned the Aegean Stables.

Everyone except the people living downstream.

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I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius.

Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.

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Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.

Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.'I don't mean to brag,' says one of them 'but out of the 20 races I've had so far, I've won 11 of them.''You think that's impressive?' Laughs another 'I've been in 35 races and won 20 of them!''Is that it?' Says the third 'I've had 50 and won...

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse...

"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner.

"Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner.

"Why so cheap then?"

"Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he ge...

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks “why the long face?”

Horse replies, “The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have stable income.”

Do you want a stable friendship?

Get a horse.

What is the least stable element?

Pandemonium.

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There is this doctor…

The doctor, recently had a patient with 76 toy horses up his ass.

The doctor said his condition was stable.

An American arrives at an Australian hospital.

Melbourne, Australia: there is a car accident and an ambulance is called to the scene. Upon arrival, they find an unconscious American. They rush to the hospital. The doctors triage the patient, and fortunately the patient is stable and expected to come to within a day or two.

Sure enough, th...

Stable hand asks his boss: What does it mean that i found a horseshoe in front of the stables this morning?

His boss answers: Means that one of our horses ran off in his socks again!

After years of abuse, people talking down on me for being unstable, using me, stepping over me, putting me down, i finally became stable. And it only took one nice guy and a folded coaster.

Singed, the table.

Why do investors like to buy shares from horse breeders?

It's a stable business.

*gestures at horses* here are the stables

\*gestures at other, flickering, vibrating horses. one horse explodes* and here are the unstables

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’

looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.
Jim nodded...

I'm finally in stable relationship!

There's some horse in this house, there's some horse in this house.

How do you call two guys fighting in a stable without one winning?

a stablemate

Why was the farmhand so poor?

He could never hold a stable job.

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If anyone out there is having a problem locating a homogeneous, stable mixture of two or more substances that does not scatter beams of light...

Give me a call. I think I’ve found a solution for you.

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A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

My friend quit a stable job

He was tired of seeing the long faces

A demolition company recently made the decision to demolish a stable.

Of course, there were some neighsayers, but that’s to be expected.

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

Dave and Betty.....

Dave and Betty were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while walking past the hospital swimming pool, Dave jumped into the deep end and starting drowning.

Betty promptly jumped in to save him, swam to the bottom and pulled Dave out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Betty'...

A bartender walks into a stable.

The horse says, "Why the normal face?"

A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a w...

Nothing says stable genius like...

A degree in equine sciences.

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Three horses are arguing in a stable

Each one is convinced they are a better racer than the other two. Thus, the three bicker and brag and talk over one another.

"Now see here, see here!" Says the first horse. "I have been racing for four years, and every summer of those ten years I have come in first every race I ran!"

"...

What do you call a stable black Irishman?

Homie O'Stasis

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A joke my dad told me...

A young American man went to Scotland to see the sights, he travelled from village to village, admiring the architecture and stonework, all the rustic buildings and cozy homes.

So he decides in one of the villages to stop at a sleepy little pub. There's an old man sitting at the bar alone, no...

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It was the first Christmas and the first of the three wise men slowly approached the stable and gingerly crossed over the threshold into a big pile of horse crap...

Looking down at his gold slippers he let out a shriek---" Je-sus Christ!"

The woman at the manger turned to her companion and said,"Joseph,that's a better name for the kid than Irving."

What do you call a table that doesn’t fall over during an earthquake?

A stable

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What do you call a man working at a stable auction at the end of the day?

A hoarse whisperer.

Why is the pH of youtube so stable?

It constantly buffers.

Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride.

So get off your high horse.

What's a horse's house called? A stable. What is a group of stables called?

A *neigh*bourhood

A man is walking on the sandy beaches of the US east coast

When suddenly he bumps his foot at something. Moving away some sand he finds it to be a magic lamp. He immediately starts rubbing the lamp and a genie appears.

Being grateful for being released after 200 years, the genie offered the man to make one wish of something he really wanted in his li...

What do you call a couple with no kids who runs a business making barns?

Financially Stable.

Two racehorses and a dog are in the stable on the night before the big race.

The old horse says, “Kid, I have a favor to ask. Tomorrow’s the last race of my career. If I win, they’ll have a big parade in my honor and put me in a nice pasture for the rest of my life. If I lose, they’ll send me to the glue factory. Now, I’m still a pretty good racer, but I think we both know t...

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The doctor told me that my friend is in stable condition.

The room is filthy and there's horseshit everywhere.

Took ketamine at my wedding

It didn't make for a stable relationship

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A cowboy goes down to the stable

He lifts his horse's tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole. Another cowboy sees this and yells, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "I've got chapped lips." The other cowboy asks, "Does that help?" "Nope," he answers, "It just keeps me from licking them."

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Why did the Real Estate Agent fail to sell the house next to a horse stable?

Because his clients were worried about the neigh-bors.

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Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

Today I thought my horses were sick

But it turns out there in stable condition

It’s not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city.

They need to grow up ..in a stable environment.

Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem.

They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myr...

What does SSRI stand for?

Somewhat Stable Regrettably Impotent

Why did the cowardly king refuse to visit his stables?

Because they were full of knight mares.

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi

What did Hodor have to say about working in the stables?

'odor

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An Irishman applies for a job at his local stables...

After being shown around the yard the Irishman was asked if he has ever shoed a horse before, After a long pause...

He replies "I've haven't, but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

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Three racehorses are in the stable after race day...

The first horse says to the other two "You know something funny, today I was wearing number three in my race and I came third"

The second horse raises his eyebrows (?) and says "Weird, really weird. I was wearing number two today and, would you believe it, I came second in my race".

Th...

So I went to a stable for a self confidence boost

I found myself surrounded by a bunch of neigh-sayers.

I work on a farm taking care of horses

It's a stable job

I once worked as a horse trainer.

It was a stable job.

A bad joke:- Why did the horse feel at home in front of an old couple?

Because he found their relationship to be stable

I'll never have a stable job

I don't really enjoy working with horses

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs...smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked t...

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

Why are horses such high performers?

... because they are brought up in stable environments!

Credit: my wife!

Two greyhound are sitting in a stable

They are both boasting to each other about their racing victories. The first dog says "I've won six of my last ten races". The second dog replies with "That's nothing, I've won fourteen of my last twenty races". At this point, a fed up racehorse pokes his head round the corner and says "You're both ...

My friend offered me a nice stable job.

I declined because I don't like horses

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Engineering joke

A plane is flying from Poland to England and the plane starts to wobble. The pilot works the controls but it just keeps getting worse. The co-pilot (who happens to be an engineer) says he knows what to do. He runs to the passenger section and says "Quick, everybody move to the left side of the pl...

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

What’s a horse’s primary concern when voting?

A stable economy.

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

Have you ever wondered why horses are so happy?

It’s because they have a stable home life.

A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.

The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.

The second one tells him her name is Augu...

My Horse tested positive for CV-19

He's in a Stable condition...

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Small village

In a country,there was a small village which has very bad winter conditions. So bad that , no communication, no WiFi,no transportation to anywhere.
One of correspandant of a newspaper decided to write an essay about that' village.
He set off and hardly reached to village. He found the sheriff ...

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A farmer has 18 beautiful daughters

One day three brothers were traveling when they stopped at this farmer's farmstead to rest. The farmer let them in and gave them food and drink.

Upon seeing the many beautiful maidens, the eldest brother approached the farmer, and asked, "Farmer, can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

Th...

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

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