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Holidays Jokes

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

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My wife said that sex is way better on holidays

Not the best postcard to get.

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

American leaders heard people wanted to celebrate more holidays

So they made every day 'bring your child to work' day

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Holiday rocks

Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned.

Holidays in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned.

Hey guys, just wanted to wish you all happy holidays.

Reddit is filled with ready-made messages that you don't even read, you just copy and paste to every subreddit, I don't like that, I like writing from my heart. Our friendship, from the deepest to virtual, is very important to me and couldn't ever be represented by a cookie-cutter message from anywh...

Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...

It's called "The Salivation Army"

Of all the holidays that jehova witnesses should celebrate...

... You'd think halloween would be it. Knocking on strangers doors, how could they pass that up?!

My wife found a cute baby skunk on our holiday

She wanted to bring it home. I told they won't let her take it on the plane, she'd need to hide it down her panties.

"But what about the smell?" She asked.
"Well," I said, "If it dies it dies."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

The holidays are the most frightening time of the year for me.

I was a little dyslexic as a kid, and when I was a teen I started dabbling in the dark arts.

I think I sold my soul to Santa.

Every year when the jingle bells start ringing, I get nervous. It could be the elves coming for me.

The holidays are coming up, and I've set a New Years resolution for myself

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Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays and a Joyous A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z to everyone.

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

Where do nuclear scientists go on their holidays

They go Fission...

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My wife hinted she was gonna give me sex coupons for the Holidays this year.

Guess i’m getting nutting for Christmas!

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. They packed colorful shirts, shorts, swim trunks and sandals, and each brought sunglasses.

The morning after they arrived, they went to the beach, wearing swim trunks and t-shirts. ...

So three friends met up for the holidays,

The first two are waiting on the third when one says to the other:

"Hey, I made you a song for Christmas!" and then starts beat-boxing this amazing tune. It's got great rhyme & rhythm, and the other guy is blown away.

A little later the third friend shows up, and the second one sa...

What do grumpy sheep say during the holidays?

Baa, Baa, humbug.

Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn’t happy.

She told me, “ I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?

It’s my busy season.

I told my wife I feel bad for criminals because they have to work holidays.

She said they deserve time and a half.

What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?

Seasons greetings

Walmart is giving away dead batteries for the holidays...

Free of charge

Holiday vacation

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I hate this time of year. My wife and I can never agree on the holidays," he complains to the bartender. "I want to travel to exotic places and stay in 5-star hotels." "That sounds fun. What does she want to do?" the bartender asks. "She wants to come with ...

Where do bears go for winter holidays?

Hiber-Nation

Happy holidays?

As a man who was raised Muslim I don't want to be ambiguous and say happy holidays to people.

I say happy Allah-days.

Let them know which side of the war on Christmas I'm on.

The french never go on holidays

They only go on retreats

I ask my boyfriend where do you wanna go for the holidays. He said somewhere I’ve never been before

i said try the gym

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

The CDC advises practicing social distancing during the holidays

That is why I didn't call my mom this year

So I went to Iraq for holidays...

And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...
Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.
So I called the suicide hotline...
They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.

My neighbour has a fetish for holidays

I thought he was just jealous when he asked "Can I come in your suitcase?"

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TIL when baking for the holidays...

Don’t google creampies. Instead google cream pie recipes.

Where does Justin Timberlake take his holidays in Russia ?

Crimea River

After 25 years away, a man comes back to his home country for the holidays.

He decides to explore his old neighborhood, and when he reaches the building where he used to live, he notices that the shoemaker's shop across the street has not changed a bit.

All sorts of memories arise to the surface of his mind as he used to pass this shop everyday. And then he remembers...

In Bulgaria we have three holidays

Christmas, New Year and everyday.

Why can't rappers take holidays?

They always forget Tupac.

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.

The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."

" That's stupid,...

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Over the holidays, I'm participating in a pro-life bake sale

We'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

My wife and I can never agree on holidays

I want to fly to exotic places and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

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Revelations during my island holidays

I've been doing some holidaying recently and through I'd share some of my discoveries.

My first trip was a week and a half in the Canary Islands.

In my whole time there I didn't find a single canary!

After that I spent a month in the Virgin Islands and you know what?

No...

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