My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

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My wife said "Sex is better on holidays"

Worst postcard ever!

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

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There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The ...

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My GF loves sex during the holidays

This is by far the worst postcard I've got from her.

The french never go on holidays

They only go on retreats

A husband and wife are visiting the wife’s family during the holidays.

Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. “Excuse me,” the man asks the grocer, “are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill ...

For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.

I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.

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Over the holidays, I'm participating in a pro-life bake sale

We'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

In Bulgaria we have three holidays

Christmas, New Year and everyday.

My wife and I can never agree on holidays

I want to fly to exotic places and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

I usually spend holidays at the brothel

I don't have any family in town, so I might as well make some money.

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TIL when baking for the holidays...

Don’t google creampies. Instead google cream pie recipes.

Only amateurs gain weight during the holidays

Us, professionals gain weight during the entire year.

The holidays being over has me in a really terrible place.

I don't mean mentally, I'm at work and would rather be at home.

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...

...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.

Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

Little Susie spent the summer holidays on a pony farm in the Cotswolds

Back home, she asked,

"We all live together just like the animals, don't we, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"So I'm just like a little foal?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"And you, Mummy, you're practically the beautiful mare?"

...

Family coming for holidays always make me thankful...

....that alcohol is cheap and legal.

I always look forward to the holidays on Reddit

to see who wins the repost wars.

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what ...

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A girl decides to take her boyfriend on holidays along with her family

During the night, the girl decides to sleep in the upper part of the bunk, and his little brother decides to sleep on the lower part.

A few minutes later, her boyfriend arrives at the room. So, the girl and her boyfriend start to kiss and touch on the upper part of the bunk while her little b...

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

What is the best part about holidays in the USA?

No school shootings

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Holiday rocks

Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned.

Holidays in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned.

An overweight woman remains stuck on the toilet of the airplane while coming back from holidays in Mexico

The flight assistant hands the woman a sombrero to cover herself while another passenger, who is a plumber, takes a look at the situation.

After a couple of minutes the flight assistant asks the man how are things.

"I think we can easily free the woman but I'm afraid there's no hope fo...

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Some big shots get together for a gentleman's night during Easter holidays.

Three CEO's of some big companies get together to smoke cigars and drink expensive whiskey.

They gathered at a chalet and brought a waiter with them to serve the drinks.

"Finally some alone time" says the first CEO. Sent my wife to an all inclusive spa in Austin. It cost me $10k but it...

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