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A newlywed bride and groom were about to commence their honeymoon activities

when the bride became annoyed at the groom’s overly enthusiastic advances. “Have some manners like you do at the dinner table!” she scolded. The groom stopped his pawing, sat up straight, straightened his hair, buttoned and smoothed his pajamas. “Good evening madam” said the groom. “You look very lo...

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we’re making out and the male duck said “I forgot to bring any condoms!” So he phones reception to see if they can help out. “Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill?”...

“No way! If you did that I’d suffocate!”

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”
Suddenly she burst out crying.
“But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things...

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Man and his new wife on honeymoon went into a hotel.

Man: We would like to book a room for the night.

Receptionist: Do you have reservations?

New Wife: Well, I'm a bit nervous about taking it up the arse!

Which European country did Fiona and Shrek go to for their honeymoon?

The Shrek Republic.

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A new bride says to her husband on their honeymoon,

"How will I know when you're ready for sex?"
"Oh, I'll always be in the mood," he says. "But when you're in the mood, reach over and give my willy a tug. When you're NOT in the mood, reach over and give it 352 tugs."

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

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Angus and Bridget (the honeymoon)

Angus and Bridget have been dating for a while and plan to marry, so Bridget decides it's time for so honesty. She tells Angus that as a child she was afflicted with a rare condition that left her with the breast of a child. Angus is taken a back by this but soon realizes he cares more for her then ...

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A honeymoon couple booked into a quiet sea-side hotel.

All the staff exchanged knowing glances. At 3 o' clock on the first morning, the desk clerk noticed the groom heading out laden with fishing gear. Amazed, the clerk asked,

"You're going fishing? Why aren't you making love to your lovely new wife?"

"No way, she's got gonnorhoea."
...

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce...

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Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.


Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how was-a da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting was-a perfecto except-a for da train-a ride down.”

...

Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?

Indiana

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The virgin bride

A nice Italian girl got married. The had their honeymoon in the brides parents house. When the time came for bed, they went upstairs to her room. The groom proceeded to take off his coat and shirt. He was extremely hairy.

The bride rushed from the room and down to her mother.

"Ma...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wif...

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love,

the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychia...

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Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.

He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had sex?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan horny, Tarzan poke hole in tree."

She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks he...

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." A bit shocked, he asked, "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" She blushed, "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

A Couple on their Honeymoon decided to take a trip to Africa. While walking in the countryside, they saw a beautiful lake...

There was a little boy who was standing by the bank, enjoying himself. The couple approached him and asked if it was safe to go into the water, if there were any sharks in the lake. The boy said no and went back to playing.

The couple jumped into the lake but after awhile felt uncomfortable s...

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How do you make a honeymoon cocktail?

You put 7-Up in cider.

A young Greek couple got married, and at their wedding...

...the mother of the bride took the bride aside for a quick chat.

"My sweet," she said, "you're now a woman. I'm so proud. Some advice for you now that you're married: Greek men are very particular, and at some point when you're making love to your new husband, he might suggest that you 'turn...

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”


His new bride...

Brother in law joke

Where did my brother in law spend his honeymoon?

In diana

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.

"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead." So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you lef...

It was bummed that it raining during our honeymoon in the Bahamas

My wife said, “why so gloomy? It’s not like it’s a hurricane!”

“I know,” I said, “just a little tropical depression.”

Honeymoon

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."



The husband replies, How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

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Joe on his honeymoon

Joe was nervous about his honeymoon seeing as he was a virgin. His buddy told him not to worry, just go to the town motel with paper thin walls, he would be next door and help guide him on what to do. Joe and his bride get to the motel. While Joe is in the bathroom showering ,his bride had to go to ...

Fred's honeymoon

Frederico's Honeymoon - Fred for the intimate!

At the age of 82, Frederico married Ana, 27, who, in consideration of her elderly husband, decides that they should sleep in separate rooms.

After the wedding party is over, everyone goes to their room.

Ana prepares to go to bed, wh...

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! ...

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Two friends decide to go on their honeymoon together...

One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge,

Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night.

Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast!

Rob: you know how...

After years of dating. John and Gail decided to go ahead and get married.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to avery n...

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By the old farm

About to hit forties, a successful business man from New York wants to get married. He wants a pretty and young girl, around 21 years old to show off to his fellow business men. However, as a religious man, he is looking for a virgin, which are kinda hard to find this days.

So he heads up to ...

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A young sailor (loooong)NSFW

A young sailor who just got married, was sent out to sea shortly after his honeymoon. Having been a virgin when he got married he soon was “frustrated”. The Skipper of the ship frequently walked the passageways talking to his sailors. On once such tour he met the young man. The young sailor when ask...

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Australian Guy on honeymoon and his Wife slips and damages her pussy.

He calls his mate and explains what has happened, his mate says bummer mate, he replies fucking hell Bruce didn't think of that I owe you a beer.

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[NSFW] The bride and groom were delighted to be finally alone in their honeymoon suite.

Blushing, the bride asked her new husband, "Johnny, now that we're married, could you tell me what a penis is?"

 

Pleased to discover his wife was a virgin, he took out his penis and showed it to her.

 

"Oh," she said, "it's just like a dick, only smalle...

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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So there is this guy named Jack...

There’s a guy named Jack. He has a girlfriend named Wendy. Jack is hopelessly in love with Wendy, and decides to ask her to marry him. To prove how much he loves her, he goes and gets “Wendy” tattooed on his penis, as a gesture of loyalty. When he’s erect, his penis shows her name, and when it’s li...

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Where do couples in their 60s go on their second honeymoons?

Viagra Falls.

A wealthy elderly man is on his honeymoon with his much younger bride

As they're about to consummate the marriage, he starts putting on a condom.

"Oh don't be silly" she remarks, "We shouldn't need to use one of those at your age."



"Oh no, it's not for protection" he says, "I just like the smell of burning rubber."

During honeymoon Bill Gates wife tell him:

Now i know why your company name is MicroSoft.

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or a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis. When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy".

While On His Honeymoon In The Caribbean, He Is Using The Bathroom And Notices The Guy In The Urinal Next To Him Also Has A "Wy" On His Penis. He Then Asks The Guy If His Wife Is Named Wendy. The Guy Replies In A Jamaican Accent "No Man, Why Do You Ask". The Husband Then Explains That He Noticed The ...

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Stroke of Genius

A deaf newlywed couple are on their honeymoon about to consummate their marriage. They get in bed and turn the lights out. Seconds later the wife turns her bedside lamp on.
Wife: Honey, we need a way of communicating in the dark.
Husband: You're right. Suggestions?
Wife:Ok. If you want sex...

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A couple returns from their honeymoon barely on speaking terms.

The groom’s friend asks what’s wrong and the groom explained, “After sex the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and left a 50 on the pillow without thinking.”

The friend says, “Don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll get over it. She can’t think you’ve been saving yourself all this time.”
...

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For our honeymoon I got a map of the world

For our honeymoon I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands!

I'm happy to announce in August were going to spend a lovely two weeks by the fucking skirting board!

Two ducks go on their honeymoon...

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No'' he...

A man and a women are in Hawaii on their honeymoon

They start arguing over the pronunciation of "Hawaii".

The man says it is pronounced "Hawaii" while the woman firmly believes it is pronounced "Havaii".

The woman is sick of this silly argument interfering with their vacation so she asks a local how it is pronounced and he says "Havaii...

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

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A young newlywed couple finally makes it back to the honeymoon suite.

As they started to undress, the groom takes off his socks and the bride sees these huge gnarly growths on the groom's toes. She asks him what they were.
Groom says "When I was little I had a case of tolio." Bride says, "Don't you mean polio?". "Nope, tolio" he replied.

Then he takes off ...

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

What's the secret to your happy marriage?

The future son in law asks his future father in law.

He replies:

Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile in the mule my betrothed was on steped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whis...

Performance VS Rehearsal

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!"

"A little later I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves anoth...

Why did you go to Egypt for honeymoon?

To make the wife a mummy.

While we were on our honeymoon, I sheepishly told my wife that I was still married to someone else.

She thought that was really bigamy to admit.

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Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons

where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave ...

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Italian honeymoon

Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstair...

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A newly-wed couple goes to Jamaica for their honeymoon...

A few days before the wedding, the husband got his fiancee's name, Wendy, tattooed on his dick as a surprise on their trip. When soft it only shows "WY"

One day, the husband needs to take a piss before leaving a restaurant.

As he's pissing, a local black man walks in to piss as well, ...

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can’t wear your pants," she said.

"That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you f...

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What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second?

First honeymoon, Niagara.

Second honeymoon, Viagra.

This one’s true. A work colleague of mine told me she went to Bangkok on her honeymoon. I replied,

I know you did, but where did you go?

Seven days on honeymoon

Makes one hole weak.

A man goes on his honeymoon on his new yacht.

He raises his glass and says to his new wife 'Here's to happiness together' and she replies 'And to our new Yakt'.

'The C is silent' the man tells his wife.

His wife replies
'Yes, it is lovely this time of year'

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A young newlywed couple were too poor to go on a honeymoon.

The husband came up with an idea: every time they had sex, they would each put a dollar into a piggy bank. When they reached their first anniversary, they would open the bank and use the money it contained for their honeymoon.

All went well for their first year, and on their anniversary, th...

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A young couple on their honeymoon...

...the bride comes out of the bathroom in her lingerie and finds her new husband cowering under the sheets. She says, "What's wrong? Don't you want to do this?"
He says, "Momma told me girls have teeth down there!"
She lifts her leg up and leans in close so he can get a good look. "Do you see ...

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A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm...

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

. . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As t...

A couple goes on their honeymoon on an island

(Sorry for my bad english in advance, great joke nevertheless)

....They had a great time. Upon leaving the island, they both decide to get a pet as a memory for their honeymoon. Husbang grabs a rattle snake and wife grabs a skunk.
When they get to the airport, they notice a sign saying "n...

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Honeymoon.

Two virgins had just had their wedding and needed to leave for their honeymoon trip immediately after the reception. The drive to the airport was a couple of hours and they were on a tight schedule to make the flight. As they were driving down this lonely stretch of highway they got to talking about...

A newlywed couple has just retired to their honeymoon suite to consummate their marriage

As they undress, the groom hands his pants to the bride and says, "here, put these on."

The bride pulls them on and says, "honey, I can't wear these pants, they're too big."

The groom replies, "that's right. I wear the pants in this relationship."

The bride then picks up her lac...

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So this young newlywed couple is on their honeymoon...

They're both kind of shy about sex, so they make an agreement after their very first encounter.

"I'll tell you what," she says. "Instead of any awkward requests for nookie, why don't you just reach over and squeeze my boob three times if you want sex. And if you don't want sex, squeeze it on...

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A Redneck is on his honeymoon....

As they step into the bedroom, she disrobes.

He says, "First, woman, make me a drink".

She slips off her panties and says, "Only if you put these on".

He begrudgingly obliges and puts his feet through the holes of her lacy thong.

At his thighs, the thong won't stretch ...

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A Couple Go on Their Honeymoon

A man and his new bride check into a resort lodge in Alaska. The resort manager/park ranger checks them in, tells them to let him know if they need anything, and wishes they congratulations and a happy stay.

The first night, while the park ranger is making his rounds, he sees the husband sit...

Honeymooners

A young couple married, and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

In the morning, the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he gets out of the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

Wh...

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A guy goes on his honeymoon...

...and is so excited that he gets this crazy idea to have his wife's name tattooed onto his dick. Her name is "Wendy" but when he isn't erect, all you can see is "Wy". Later on, he finds himself in a public restroom and couldn't help but notice that the guy next to him also had a "Wy" on his dick. ...

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Deaf Couple on Honeymoon

A deaf couple gets married and is on their honeymoon. The lights go out and they begin having sex. The next morning the wife says, "Last night we seemed to be fumbling around quite a bit. Probably because the lights were out and we are unable to sign one another. Let's work out some simple signa...

On our honeymoon my new wife told me I was an awful lover.

I don't know how she could determine that in 2 minutes.

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A couple was visiting Bahamas on their honeymoon

The husband wanted to make his wife happy so he tattooed her name, Wendy, on his penis. Unfortunately only the letters W and Y was visible when not erected.
In Bahamas, the husband went to pee in a urinal. Suddenly a tall, dark bahamian man went next to him and unzipped his pants and took out hi...

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[nsfw] A man proposes to his girlfriend and to his delight she says yes.

To show her how deep his love is, he decides to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. Penises being as they are, the name ‘Wendy’ is only visible when he has an erection. When it is flaccid, all that can be seen is ‘Wy’. ‘No bother’, he thinks. ‘This will just make the surprise even better on ...

Newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time

. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all
twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had
a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it
only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful
looking pa...

A Newly Wed Chinese Couple Go on Their Honeymoon

They get to the hotel late. The bride is visibly nervous and the groom is patiently and lovingly trying to reassure her.

He says "You don't need to worry about anything. Anything you want, I do for you."

Feeling a bit calmer she inquisitively looks at him and says "anything?"

"A...

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A newly wed couple are off on their honeymoon in Australia

They were out swimming in the sea when all of a sudden, a jelly fish stung the wife in the vagina. They quickly went to the hospital and the doctor said "it looks like you will be okay but due to the swelling you won't be able to have sex for at least a couple of weeks." The couple were so disappoin...

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A man gets married...

...but just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, thi...

Recipe for honeymoon salad

Lettuce alone without dressing

A young couple is on their honeymoon.....

A young couple is on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find o...

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A man takes his wife Susan to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

While out partying and drinking at a nightclub, the husband feels the pressure building in his bladder and rushes to the bathroom. He begins to relieve himself when he notices a tall Jamaican man at the urinal next to him is looking straight as his dick. Too drunk to care, the husband continues to...

Honeymoon Night

John and Sally had married yesterday. Today, at breakfast, the whole family shows up except the newlyweds. The aunts are snickering and asking "Huh, I wonder why they're not here...".

John's younger brother speaks up: "Actually, I think I know..." but gets shushed by the family.

At lu...

The First Night of the Honeymoon

The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.

The groom looked at his beautiful bride,...

A man and a woman go scuba diving for their honeymoon.....

... and they are having the absolute time of their life. The fish, the coral- it's all just wonderful. But then, out of nowhere, they hear a great rumbling, look behind them, and see a cruise ship headed straight for them!

They separate, one to each side of the massive ship. When the ship pas...

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"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"

Newly married bride : Ceiling fans

Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have taboo on premarital sex

A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."

The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"

Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You me...

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine go on their honeymoon..

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine get married and head for their honeymoon to a seaside destination. So they're chilling by the beach, and sipping on their drinks, and things get naughty soon. During a lovemaking session on the beach, Sine whispers into Cosine's ear, "It's a good thing I'm not on top, or we'...

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes....

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An old couple decide to take a second honeymoon...

An old couple decide to take a second honeymoon at the same place as their original honeymoon to celebrate their 50th year together. The couple lay in bed when the wife turns to the husband and asks: "When you first saw me naked, what did you think?" The husband thinks for a moment and then says: "I...

Why did the couple bring a melon to their honeymoon?

Because they cantaloupe...

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An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon

They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina." The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."

Why couldn't the married couple wait for their honeymoon on Alderaan?

It was gonna be a blast.

A couple was on their honeymoon

They decided to go for a ride on a stage coach. So they took a horse and a stage coach and went for a ride along the coast.

Suddenly the horse trips and almost falls down, shaking the stage coach, but keeps going. The man says loudly "one!"

After a couple hundred meters the horse trips...

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On our honeymoon, more than anything, I wanted to join the Mile High Club...

...but my wife didn't give a flying fuck

[Long Joke] A newlywed couple wanted to go on their honeymoon...

but both of them being very busy at their jobs, they got a call to have emergency meetings at different places of the country. They decided that they will make arrangements for the resort at Africa for them to reach there after their meetings. However, the husband's meeting was planned to end one da...

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The honeymooners

So me and an old friend decide to go on a fishing trip. When we arrived at the lodge we were informed that the only boat they had was for the honeymoon cabin, we asked if it was available, but no, it had just been rented my a newly wed couple for the weekend.



So we rented a boat from ...

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Marital Advice

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something....
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,my wife and said, 'Here, try these on!

She did and said, 'These are...

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Newlyweds are on their honeymoon, lying in bed, when the wife says...

"I am so happy. We are going to have a wonderful life together. Is there anything I can do for you?"

The man replies, "Please give me a blowjob."

His wife quickly tells him, "I can't do that, honey. You wouldn't respect me."

Every anniversary the wife asks the same question a...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thou...

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Two jews on their honeymoon

are in the honeymoon suite, having practiced abstinence, they really aren't sure what to do. So the groom calls his mom and says, "Mom we're in the honey moon suite what are we supposed to do?" she replies, "Get under the covers boobsies, kiss, cuddle, it'll happen", so they give it a shot and it re...

The biker and his old lady were going on a second honeymoon...

and they managed to get the same room at the same hotel.
The woman gushes "Everything's the same! It'll be just like the first time!"
He reponds dejectedly "Yeah, but this time *I'll* be the one on the edge of the bed, saying 'That thing's too damn big!'"

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An elderly couple gets married late in life.

After the wedding and the reception, they are in the ‘Honeymoon Suite’ getting ready for bed.

As they are taking their clothes off, the old woman says to her new husband, “Before we get started here, I just want you to know that I have acute angina.”

The old man says, “Well that’s go...

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

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