Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Holy crash

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of the holy men is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the priest's collar and says,"So you're a priest I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing le...

I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa, and than I realized Vampires are killed by Holy water...

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

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When a priest really has to crap, he says "holy shit!". When a priest needs some dip for his chips, he yells "holy guacamole!" What does a priest say when masturbates without any lubrication?

Holy smoke!

How do you make holy water?

By boiling the hell out of it!!!

( Laugh because it's my all time favourite)

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holy shit what is wrong with me

i hang dogs from the ceiling to raise to ROOF.

The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.

When thrown at a close-range, especially.

Holy Mackerel! It's so hot out here today...

I just heard a tree trunk whistle for a dog...

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If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

It's a fookin phone booth.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

I was checking the weather on my phone and thought "Holy sh*t there's gonna be lightning"

Then I realised my phone was charging.

I threw holy water at the demon and tried to banish it back to hell

My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

Why is Jesus holy?

Because of the nails.

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed?

The Garden of Eaten

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So a duck walks into a bar...

So a duck walks into a bar a says, "hey can I get a beer?". Bartender says "holy shit a talking duck"

Duck: look man I've been doing construction all day and I really just want a beer

Bartender: you should join the circus, you'd make a killing

Duck: what the fuck is the circus g...

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Holy shit! Have you heard about chalk boards?

They’re remarkable!

A holy man was feeling distraught one morning, so he sat alone in his church praying to God for guidance...[long]

The Good Reverend had been giving into indulgence far too often lately; drinking wine, his Tuesday night Poker games, and sneaking peeks at those unmentionable places on the Interwebs.

It had started innocently enough, but the priest was getting carried away and the guilt was finally getting ...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

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Call my ass the holy land

Because several Catholics have forced their way into it

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

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A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.

The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of ass". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants al...

A priest just started spraying holy water on people with reckless abandon

It was a blessacre!

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

"No son, have you seen my dadglasses?"

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

Three men go to heaven

Three men go to heaven. God says that they can each do 1 sin before they can bathe in the holy water. The first man blows up a bridge. He bathes in the holy water. The second man kidnaps a dog. He bathes In the holy water. When it’s the third mans turn, he starts laughing super hard. God asks, “what...

What doe Holy Water and Whiskey have in common?

They both burn on the way down.

A couple has 4 sons

The first three were tall with straight brown hair and brown eyes, but their youngest son was short with curly blond hair and blue eyes. When the husband was on his deathbed, he called his wife over and asked, "Is that 4th son mine?"
His wife said, "I swear, on all things holy, that child is your...

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A Bus full of Nuns Crash (NSFW)

And they all die. Standing at the pearly gates St Peter says to the first nun, “Sister Jane we can see here that you looked a penis one time so go over to the holy water and wash your eyes out.”

So she does and enters into Heaven

Next nun steps up and St Peter says, “ I can see here...

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

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There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

Poor daddy

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and brown eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son tru...

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

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Cheap parrot

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "Why is he so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I h...

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

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3 nuns die and go to heavens gate

3 nuns died and went to Heavens Gate. St. Peter comes out and says "before you can enter the gates of heaven you must answer me this one question".
"What part of your body last touch a man's genitals?"

The first nun steps up and says, "Well, I used to work in an orphanage with babies and ...

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

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One day, a father and his daughther are together.

One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks...

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A man is sitting at a rooftop bar and turns towards the patron next to him: "I want to make a bet. If I jump off the balcony and survive, you buy me a bottle of champagne."

"You don't mean that, do you?", the patron asks. "This building is twelve stories high."

"It's a magical balcony", the man says. "I'll be fine."

"Whatever man", the patron says. "I know you won't do it."

The man gets up, walks towards the balcony and drops headfirst towards the ...

A fisherman’s joke

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell...

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Jordan walks into the Principal's office

The Principal: Did you use inappropriate language in Mr Brown's class again?
Jordan: Umm... not exactly inappropriate but 'bitch" accidentally came out of my mouth.
The Principal: Holy $#!t Jordon, why did you eat a bitch?

A Christian church worker told me the recipe on how to make holy water. I have decided to tell you all how to make it

Step 1: put water in a pot that's on the stove

Step 2: set stove to the highest temp you can get it and boil the **hell** out of it

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In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken..

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a ...

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So a guy walks into a bar....

and asks the bartender "I want to have a Rum and Coke." So the bartender reaches under the table and hands the guy an apple. The guy confused and said "i asked for a rum and coke not a damn apple." The bartender says "just take a bite." So he bites into it and says "holy shit this tastes just like R...

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

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A man and his friend are hanging out one day...

One of the men pulls out a cigarette, he asks his buddy for a light.




His buddy pulls out a massive lighter from his pants.





"Holy shit, where did you get that huge lighter?" asks the first man.



The second man replies "I got it from my wish gr...

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General Custer

General Custer just died at his infamous last stand, his wife, making funeral arrangements speaks to his best friend who was also at the battle. " You we there in his final moments, I want you to make his tombstone commemorating his final thoughts and wishes." Mrs. Custer says, thinking it's thoug...

How did the eager young altar boy get the holy water ready for the priest?

He boiled the hell out of it.

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A guy wakes up and sits on his deck with his coffee and noticed something

It’s a gorilla in his tree.

After much thought he decided to google “gorilla in my tree” and holy shit it popped up.

“ Larry’s gorilla in a tree removal”

He called and Larry said he would be there in 10 minutes. Larry shows up in van walks to the back and comes out with a long...

3 Nuns appear before St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Upon seeing the three, Peter states: "As I see that all three of you are women of faith. I see no reason to even look up the sins of your life to assess your worthiness to enter Heaven. However, I must test your faith by each asking you one question to see your knowledge of the holy book."

Th...

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

Robin: "Holy disappointment Batman, the TV remote doesn't work!"

Batman: "Have you checked the batteries?"

Robin: "What are teries?"

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Please follow the instructions carefully...

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Mohammed Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
...

Pope Francis died.

He goes up to heaven and knocks on the door. Holy Petrus asks him who he is and what he wants. ,,I am the pope and want to go to heaven! Don’t you know me?” Petrus says:,, No, i have to talk to my boss.” Five minutes later comes Jesus and asks Francis the same. ,,I am the pope and want to go to heav...

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little...

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

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Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street

when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"...

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Two race horses are talking after a big race.

One horse says to the other,” Man, when I was running I started to feel a sharp pain in my backside and it made me start running way faster for some reason.”

The other horse replies,” The same exact thing happens to me too, man. I’ll be running and I get a stinging sensation on my ass and I s...

God and The Devil walk into the bar. God walks up to the bar and shoots the bartender 3 times. Looks at the devil and says “ I don’t think he’s going to serve you”

The devil sighs and looks at god “holy bartender, very funny”

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Jesus occasionally used the bathroom

You could say holy shit

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Three Nuns

There were three nuns. They all told a priest they were going to do one sin each.

So the priest says, "Ok, do your sins. Come back and I'll bless you."

So they went to do their sins and came back to be blessed.

The priest asked the first one, who was laughing what her sin was....

Saint McDonald’s church of the holy

They have some of the best fryers is the world

Whats the Pope’s favorite cheese?

Swiss because it’s holy

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[At the therapists] Man: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist:That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

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Read this joke and thought it has potential. Apologies if it has been repeated.

There were four nuns driving in a van. It crashes and they all die. At the gates of heaven the angel says to them:

"If you want to enter there's one thing you must do. Have you ever touched a dick before?"

The first nun says,"Well you see, I was a nurse and once I had to bathe this old...

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There was a youth who lived in Russia.

He was orphaned at the young age of 5. He only had one mother, Mother Russia. With no one to take care of him, he was left to fend for himself. He was poor and worked in the coal mines, to earn a mediocre salary to last him a day or two.

One day after a hard day at work, he walked down a si...

I’m seeing a lot of heaven related jokes, so here’s a bad one to lower every bodies expectations-

What do angles fish for in heaven?
Holy mackerels

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

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Three Friends

Three friends ( Tom, Dick and Harry) grew together and were quite close. After high school Tom ventured into business and was a successful businessman. On the other hand Dick and Harry finishes their education but are frustrated for not finding a job.

With no hope left Dick approaches Tom for...

A priest had 3 people at confession.

He went to Guy 1 and asked: “What sin did you commit?’

Guy 1 responded: “I murdered someone.”

The priest responded “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”

He did so and stood back.

The priest asked Guy 2 and asked: “What sin did you commit?’

Guy 2 respond...

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My wife and I are going to start an alternative religious store

Holy Shit

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Technological man walks into a bar

A nice looking man in his 40s walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a beer and as he’s drinking it, a phone rings and the man looks at his bare arm and taps on it and begins speaking to someone through his fingers.

The bartender waits for him to finish talking and asks “holy shit, were yo...

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