Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Credit: This was a Colin Mochrie joke from an early Who's Line is it Any Way e...

Why did the baker become a hit man?

He kneaded that dough.

A man decides he wants to put a hit out on his wife...

So he checks the dark web and finds a hit man who goes only by the name of Artie. The man and Artie meet up to discus the job, and Artie asks for payment upfront.

“Well,” says the man, “I put every bit of money I have into my wife’s life insurance policy, so I only have one dollar on me at t...

A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.

He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.

He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

... So he goes to the golf course to blow off some steam and meets a fellow golfer. After a couple rounds he starts to vent to him about his situation.

When the man finishes his story, the new found friend reveals that he is a hit man and charges $1000 bucks per kill. The man contemplates thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wants to kill his wife

He feels that he can't do this himself and needs to get a hit man to do it for him.
So he goes to a shady bar and starts asking around, a guy sitting at the bar over hears what he says and turns around, he says "look man I know what you want, I can do it for you" to which the guy replied "ok, wel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man hires a hitman

An old man hires a hit man to kill his wife. He's spent 40 years listening to her nagging and he's had enough.

The hitman tells him "I'll shoot her just below the left tit"

The husband replies "I want her dead, not Fucking kneecapped!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a h...

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