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Shooter Jokes

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.
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A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...
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I don't get the appeal of school shooter jokes.

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.
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How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...
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What do you call a communist sharp shooter?

A Marxman.
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An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...
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A Guy Walks Into a Bar with a Loaded Six Shooter with 1 in the Chamber

And yells "Who slept with my wife!? I'm gunna shoot that motherfuc***!"

A guy in the back yells back

"You're gunna need more ammo!"
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I'm just glad Eminem will never be a mass shooter

He only gets one shot
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School shooters

I just dont like school shooting jokes i dont know why.

Mabey its just because they're aimed at kids
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Man walks into a bar to find the man who slept with his daughter (SFW)

Man walks into a bar with a 4 six shooters and a double barrel demanding to know who slept with his daughter.

Father: WHICH ONE OF YOU SONS OF B*TCHS SLEPT WITH MY LITTLE DARLING GIRL!

Bartender: Sir you ain't got enough bullets
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We should rename school shooters

Start calling em "PEW-pils"
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Many news outlets don't name shooters anymore to prevent copycats...

Explains why we keep having so many hurricanes.
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Did you know the US police have the most comprehensive and well maintained database of potential racist shooters?

They call it “the payroll”.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

What do you call a church shooter?

Mass murderer
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are school shooters more likely to be white people?

White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

# A Salad Shooter.
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What would happen if we took all possible school shooters and put them in one school?

Literally Fortnite
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Why is Wolfenstein known as THE first person shooter?

Because in the games before it, you only shot monsters.
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What kind of cereal does a school shooter eat?

Pumped Up Kix
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That's the difference between tech support and a mass shooter?

One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.
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School shooters have a huge problem: They will miss their classmates.

One way or the other.
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A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.
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How do American police stop shooters

They donut
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(NSFW) How do you make two School Shooters more powerful?

Columbine them together.
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An old Team Fortress 2 joke. Probably applicable to a few other team shooters, too.

The Heavy Weapons Guy woke up one morning to a bit of distress. His stomach was tied up in knots, forcing him into the bathroom for much of the day. After a few hours of this painful nonsense, he sought out the Medic for some professional advice.

"Ah," the Medic exclaimed in his exaggerated...
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Why are Indians so good at first person shooters?

They already have a red dot sight.
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What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW
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Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
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A school shooter is gunning down his classmates when he sees his ex-girlfriend. Why didn't he kill her?

He missed her.
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Two snipers are going through the desert when all of a sudden they come under fire...

"Spotter"... says the shooter, "find out where those shots are coming from!"

So the spotter takes out his scope and starts panning round... "I think I found them. There is a small shrub, covered in bacon, gammon, and pork chops"

"That's them..."says the shooter... "it's a ham-bush!"
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What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game?

First person shooter.
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So the FBI paid professional hackers to unlock the shooter's iPhone.

But whenever I pay hackers to unlock an iPhone, I'm "too insecure to be in a relationship".
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A high schooled student becomes a national hero after taking down a school shooter

But was expelled because of the schools zero tolerance policy
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30 people in France are found dead all with bullet holes in their heads. The police apprehend the shooter and ask him why he did it.

The shooter says “Well I heard that it’s tourist season in France so I grabbed my gun and flew to France to hunt some tourists.”

(I know this joke is terrible but I just thought of it and didn’t want to loose this thought so I decided to post it here)
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Why aren't there any white jokes?

No one wants to get on the shooter's bad side.
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A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

...
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The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his raccoon

I was out drinking the other night and a man and his pet raccoon walk into the bar. It's about 7pm, in a near empty dive bar. Seemed a bit odd but as I watched I could tell they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night go...

I'm working on a video game where you go back in time and kill Adam and Eve

it's going to be the first ever First Person Shooter.
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Why can’t the cops ever catch overweight killers in the act?

They’re only looking for the active shooters
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Say what you want about Alec Baldwin

But he's a straight shooter
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So this is society..

Muslim Shooter = entire religion guilty

Black Shooter = entire race guilty

White shooter = mentally troubled lone wolf
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Did you hear about the gamer who commit suicide while playing?

It was a first-person shooter.
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Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament?

Because they lost their 2 best shooters
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Netflix is producing a documentary about the end of BlockBuster....

Thats like if the school shooters produced "Bowling for Columbine"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The cowboy's wife

A cowboy walked into the local honky tonk late one Saturday evening with his pistol drawn. "Alright nobody move! This here 6 shooters loaded and I'm here to shoot the low down varmint that's been sleeping with my wife!"
The crowd froze and nobody dared to speak for a full minute. Finally some dru...

A person calls 911

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Caller: I saw a black guy get shot!

Operator: Did you get the shooter's badge number?
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What's the worst question to ask in a job interview?

Do you have active shooter drills here?
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A three-legged old west dog walks into a saloon

his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip.

He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims,

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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A dog walks into a bar

As he sits down the bartender comes over “dogs are not welcome here, please leave”. Unperturbed the dog says “gimme a beer”, the bartender pulls a gun out from under the bar, points it at the dog “I’m not warning you again “. The dog simply will not leave so the bartender is forced to shoot the dog ...
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A guy in a small town finds out his wife is cheating on him...

In a rage, he grabs his 6-shooter and kicks open the front door of the only bar in town and yells at everyone, "Whoever is sleeping with my wife is about to be shot!"

...

Quiet voice in the back says, "You're going to need more bullets mate..."
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I have this yearly fundraising going on...

So, I have this yearly fundraising going on. Every year in november I take 70€ and donate them to a poor game developer. As a little thank you, they give me a shooter game, every year. But throughout the last years, these games became worse and worse. Many of my friends could not understand, why I w...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man shoots a duck from the sky...

but the duck lands in his neighbor's backyard with whom he's always been on bad terms. When he walks over to pick up the duck, his neighbor comes out and says: "This duck is in my backyard, therefore it is my duck."

But the man who shot the duck replies: "That may be true, but I shot the duc...

Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...

but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.
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Why hasn’t columbine won a basketball championship since 1999?

They lost their best shooters
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The recent shooting at YouTube was pretty terrible.

I guess the shooter had one too many videos demonitized.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an angry black man?

Typical. What do you call an angry white man?


Active shooter.

What's the difference between a cold nose and that weird white kid in your class?

One's a cool hooter, the other is a school shooter
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What was Eve charged with after murdering Adam in the Garden?

Being a first-person shooter
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Donald Trump is giving a speech, and his bodyguard spots somebody about to shoot the president...

The bodyguard leaps up and shouts "MICKEY MOUSE"

Confused, the shooter stops and asks, "why did you shout Mickey mouse?"

The bodyguard replies "oh sorry, i meant to say DONALD, DUCK!"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best sniper ever

One guy pretends that he's the world's best shooter.
As everybody suspicious, He said: "See this fly?" Then aim at the fly 500m away and shoot.
A man laugh and said "well, your fly is still flying my friend!"
and the shooter to reply "It might fly, but it will never fuck again."

"I'm sick and tired of all these shootings"

Little Johnny crossed his arms. "You know what we should do? We should never call them by name. That just gives them the attention they crave. We should only call them by shooting incident, like 'The Theater Gunman'. Or perhaps a number, like "Shooter 123". That should put 'em to shame!"

The...
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